Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you / do you have sex with babies/toddlers in the room?

129 replies

Catflap · 17/10/2005 20:36

Am new to this board (usually partake in the Education threads but still just lurking everywhere else...), but would really like some thoughts and experiences on this one.

I know curcumstances can be tricky, but how common is it for mummy and daddy to be engaged in a bit of day time frolics while the 8month -> 18 month old is wandering around in the room and around the edge of the bed?

How much do they see/hear and how much do you think is appropriate?

Thanks for your views!

OP posts:
tegan · 18/10/2005 20:05

My friend has only just put her ds 20 mths in his own room so they have been doing the deed when he was asleep - I personally think it is sick and have been telling her that for a long time.

frannykenstein · 18/10/2005 20:35

Why is it "sick" to have sex while your child is asleep? Are you waiting till yours have grown up and left home?

Saker · 18/10/2005 21:16

I never normally comment on these type of threads but cannot restrain myself from saying that I think safety is a big issue here with a child between 9-18months. If both parents are engrossed in sex who is checking that the toddler is not choking / attempting to climb the stairgate/ strangling the baby etc. Obviously we all child proof our houses as much as possible but I like to have at least an ear on what the children are up to and I wouldn't leave a child that age unattended and wandering free for any length of time.

Also can I ask why you asked in the first place Catflap - do you know of someone who does this? What do you think?

Saker · 18/10/2005 21:17

I hasten to add that I don't think that means you should only have sex with your toddler in the room just refrain from it during their waking hours.

nooka · 18/10/2005 22:29

I don't think we did when they were that sort of age, because it was difficult to settle them with anything very reliably for very long (and we are not very good on the quickie front - I'm not sure I can see the point!). Anyway they had rests and stuff, and my sex drive was very low in those days.

Now we don't worry too much, as they are busy with their own interests at 5 and 6. Occasionally we enjoy a weekend snuggle, and if they walk in that's what we say - Mummy and Daddy are having a snuggle. We are careful with the covers, and we don't do the banging the headboard type, so I don't see that there is anything dodgy about it. I can't see that there is any "abuse" going on, as it's not as if we hold orgies, or invite them to participate. I don't think that there is anything much for them to comment on (no flesh on show IYKWIM), and I think that it is important for them to know that Mummy and Daddy love each other. My dd is much more interested in us kissing anyway! She goes "oooh, how romantic!" We don't have any locks in our house, and I wouldn't want to have any (we removed the bathroom one, after ds's first sulk). I have no problem with the children coming and talking to me (and vice versa) when pooing, or talking/dealing with periods either. But then I was brought up to believe that these things were deeply offensive (especially to men) so I am probably reacting to that. Having said that my mother still walks around naked, and will come and have a poo in the bathroom if I am taking a bath at her house (although she does apologise!)

piffle · 18/10/2005 22:43

not sure we ever did in the daytime, perhaps an early morning, but dd was 6 mths of under, not really happy since then tbh...

Original poster
Catflap · 19/10/2005 13:40

saker - yes, I do know someone and I wasn't that impressed but thought maybe I was out of touch...! I don't see the harm if a little one is asleep, but was highly uncomfortable with the idea of them wandering around the room. I just wondered if it was me being repressed! I take on board your issues of safety, however.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catflap · 19/10/2005 13:42

mashup - where do you get your 'technical' information from, please? What if it is discrete? Am just interested in all sides.

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 19/10/2005 14:02

We were living in a 2 bed flat until a few months ago so had a spare room and a futon when we felt the need (DD coslept for first 9 months) in fact DD2 was conceived on the futon! We had to move into a tiny one bed flat that was actually my Dads so felt far too weird doing anything in the living room so the only option was in the same room whilst DD was asleep in her cot.

Would never think about doing anything whilst she was awake especially as she got mobile and in at everything. Have just moved her into her own room since we've moved but will have the same debate with DD2 when she is born, think it will be futon time once more.

I have a friend who regularly used to have sex with her baby awake in the room beside the bed under his playgym, she said she never could relax fully as she always had one eye on the baby and only did it to shut her DP up.

jellyjelly · 19/10/2005 15:56

Have done it in the same room as ds when he was a sleeping babe at 2 weeks old as i was so up for it but had to hide under the covers, felt very odd. Needless to say he moved into his own room very early.

frannykenstein · 19/10/2005 19:58

2 weeks old!!?! I was still struggling to walk up the stairs when ds was 2 weeks old!

Angeliz · 19/10/2005 20:01

I would not. I don't think it's appropriate at all.

weesaidie · 19/10/2005 20:53

Amazing all these people who felt the need to put the baby in their own room so mummy and daddy could have sex.

I just did in the living room/kitchen/bathroom... way hey!

Pip · 19/10/2005 23:27

What's concerning me almost as much are spidermama's & nooka's mums doing a poo whilst they are in the bath/bathroom! OMG, I would die! I can poo infront of my DS' & DH (prefer not to) but would hate anyone else pooing in front of me! Especially whilst I was having a nice relaxing bath!

Had had sex whilst both DS' were young babies, asleep in the room but infront of a toddler (an AWAKE toddler) - no way! It's just not necessary, totally off-putting and not fair on the child. Besides, mine copy everything. They'd start copying my pirate talk.
Just kidding.

nooka · 19/10/2005 23:31

yes, interestingly spidermama found a great site for people with parents who amougst other things bought Clothkit's clothes, maybe this is another hippy mother thing!

PrettyCandles · 20/10/2005 11:25

I would never deliberately poo or wee in front of another adult (though I have, with great discomfort, in an 'emergency'). It seems to me incredibly disrespectful of their comfort. And I don't like it if someone else inflicts it on me either. But young children need companionship and ease more than that sort of respect. When they become more aware and insistent on their own privacy, then I will respect that and not, say, use the loo while they're in the bath.

madmummyof2 · 20/10/2005 12:00

Not had a chance to read teh whole thread but...the thought of an 18 month old child wandering around teh edges of a bed whilst its parents have sex appals me.

i am by no means one of thos uptight parents, i swear, fart and sometimes even take my kids out in the car without shoes on

but it is absolutly wrong to do that to a child.
not only is there the fact that its probably wandering around the bed becuase it wants its mummy/daddy but it will probably be very confused as to what is going on if (i and i pray that they have) pulled the covers over themselves
any sort of grunting or moaning sounds will lead him/her to feel one of you is being hurt and distress them.

sadly Mashup its not actually sexual abuse but it would be considered emotional neglect.

And i get my technical information because i am a social worker ( or at least i was until DD was born).

FangAche · 20/10/2005 12:13

PMSL @ some of these posts!

Aren't a few of you being a tad hysterical about this????? Its only sex! My dd is 14mths old. DH and I wouldn't deliberately set out to have sex if she was in the room, but if she wandered in and saw us I wouldn't think I'd abused her or damage dher in some way! That is just ridiculous!!

madmummyof2 · 20/10/2005 12:17

no but would you continue??

i think im pretty rational and maybe i have misunderstood the scenario. i thought they wanted to continue humping away whilst the child was running around the bed.

apologies if i was wrong

weesaidie · 20/10/2005 12:19

No I don't think my dd would be damaged either. I wouldn't be able to relax or feel comfortable and so wouldn't do it but as Fangache sex if she happened to come across it accidently I don't think anything fundamentally bad would happen!

weesaidie · 20/10/2005 12:20

I certainly wouldn't continue no. But still I dont think it is such an awful thing for a child to see.

Easy · 20/10/2005 12:21

When we were on holiday, all sleeping in the same cabin, ds (aged 6) woke up at about 12:30 a.m. (mummy and daddy were ermmm .. well you know), and he looked straight at us and said "Mummy, can I have a drink of water?"

He didn't seem to be aware of anything at all happening, and the following morning was unaware that he'd even woken up.

I can't see that damaging him at all.

Easy · 20/10/2005 12:22

Oh, and we couldn't continue.

FangAche · 20/10/2005 12:24

Madmummy - That would depend if we were at a crucial stage!

And not everyone grunts and screams during sex!

KristinaM · 20/10/2005 12:24

No. Would have sex with tiny baby awake and in cot or small baby or toddler asleep in cot in room. Would not be able to continue if toddler walked in bedroom, climbed on bed beside us and started to bounce up and down. Well thats what our 17 month old does .....

Do not think he would be scarred for life if he caught us at it - just dont think I coudl concentrate. Kind of breaks the mood, dont you think?????

Agree that that's what Cbeebeeis and videoas are for