Tell me what a happy, normal relationship looks like?

[CheerfulMe]

Because I don't think I can remember anymore what it's like :(
Please, those of you currently or previously in what you would term a happy, healthy relationship with a nice bloke - tell me about it. How did you meet/get together, what was it like at the start, and if you have been/were together for many years, how was it after a while? What was it about it that made you compare it favourably to any previous relationship disasters?

My head's so messed up now I don't even know what's normal anymore... And from some of the threads on here lately, I think I'm not the only one.

Please please - happy coupling/decent men stories :) I don't think that side of things is represented enough here and we only ever hear about the lying, cheating abusers. Tell me about your wonderful blokes!

well last time I checked, if you post a lovely story you are either a fantasist,a liar or a troll

i am in a happy relationship with DH, our life is a walking Mills & Boon book . He listens, he cares and he leaves the seat down!

I love my husband dearly, we have been together nearly 11 years and married nearly 7. I love him to bits and know he loves me. he is kind, caring, loving and a phenomenal father to our two DC's. He does his fair share around the house and picks up more if I have a heavy workload. He still gives me compliments and makes me feel sexy and I can't imagine my life without him.

"My head's so messed up now I don't even know what's normal anymore..."

Sorry to hear that OP - wanted to mark my place and say that I'm poised with a notebook and pen as I don't have the first idea what constitutes a 'normal relationship either :)

compromise

sharing

support

and more compromise

After my first awful marriage. Meeting my now DH was like seeing in glorious technicolour after only having black and white tv.

he frustrates the hell out of me sometimes but he also delights me and I love him to pieces.

Reading some of the shite people put up with on these threads makes me count my blessings all the more. I realise just how lucky i am

LML - it's fine because I specifically asked folk for gooey tales of blissful love - so that makes it alright

Actually, it doesn't have to be perfect. I know when in a relationship, it's not always brilliant. There are times when things can be quite shit. In a way, I'm really curious about what it is about those imperfect but happy relationships that separates them out from the imperfect and rubbish ones?

Bibi - I remember your thread recently.

My DH once told me that the most important thing for him was to make my life better.

On the whole he still does after 13 years of marriage. He makes the good times more fun. He supports me in everything I do. He is my rock when I'm struggling and he knows when I need space and backs off.

If he could learn to hang up a towel, things would be perfect.

Talking

Never going to bed angry

Him working away 2 nights a week!

My dh has put up with amazing amounts from me (I have physical and mental health problems) and nothing fazes him, he just loves me and never gives up. Its much more to do with him than with me, imo, but he says the opposite.

We appreciate each other, and we never stop trying to make each other happy.

Not to say there haven't been some pretty rough times, especially when I have been ill, but we have somehow always come through.

Talking

Honesty - complete honesty

Kindness

And perserverence from both sides when things are hard and you're not feeling very in love.

Ok - here goes...

DH and I have been together for 12 years - married for 6.

How did you meet/get together?
Met in the pub but had known each other from school.

What was it like at the start?
Romantic, lustful, exciting, full on

And if you have been/were together for many years, how was it after a while?
Now the dc's are a bit older we've settled into more of routine (although dh works all hours so we rarely have time together) My heart still jumps a beat when I see him - he still makes me feel like a teenager.

What was it about it that made you compare it favourably to any previous relationship disasters.

tbh I haven't really had previous relationship disasters - i've always known what is acceptable to me in a relationship and wouldn't accept anything less iyswim - my mum recently said that I was so lucky to have married my dh and that he was a wonderful father etc - my response was that I wouldn't have had a child/married him if he wasn't anything other - we're only here once and I believe that you shouldn't compromise yourself or your ideals for a man.

I have never experienced a normal happy relationship (first marriage violent, second emotionally abusive).

I can imagine what it would be like though - someone who would accept me the way I am, would respect my opinions, accept my feelings and would support me all the way. Someone who would know me and would have an almost intuitive knowledge of how I would react to situations, so would respond accordingly and appropriately.

It'll never happen though.

DH and I have been married 19 years with 3 DCs, we met as students so the only long term, ongoing howsyerfather for us both. I think for us as others have said:

• communication
• total honesty
• good manners/consideration

repeat all of the above every day.

I am sorry you are so unhappy CheerfulMe. Not sure that there is a magic recipe, you have to both want it to work.

I met my husband at university. From the first day it was just fun - we went out drinking together, spent time with each other's friends and just preferred to be together than apart. 14 years on, I love him to bits. He is not perfect and I wish he had more get up and go and was more organised. But he is my best friend and he loves me as much as I love him and when we are apart I can't wait to see him again.
It's more complicated now we have children, but generally for us, being together has very little compromise - it's just a bonus. We don't stop each other from doing anything (like going out with our friends, changing how we look, taking up a new hobby) but have someone whose default setting is to be supportive and make any bad things better. Sometimes we argue and get annoyed at each other (usually when hungry) but fundamentally life is more fun when we are together.
For me, one thing that is important is that we have very few expectations of each other other than to share our lives. I don't expect him to provide for us, to do manly chores, to buy me nice presents and I don't mind when he realises the night before our anniversary that the shops have shut and he hasn't bought a card. We try to keep a balance with chores and general jobs and focus on getting them out of the way to enjoy our time together with our young family.
But I suspect that the real reason it works is that my husband is a really really nice loyal man and I am lucky to have him.

Crip - you've struck the nail on the head - my dh is also a really nice loyal man and would do anything for us.

Love each other as you would both like to be loved.

Respect each other and yourselves as you both would like to be respected.

Care for each other.

Accept yourself & OH as you both are (with all your faults).

Give and take in the bedroom EQUALLY, but respect the word NO too.

Independence is good. It shows you that you are a person as well as being a couple and also that you have some different views and values.

Lastly, keep having a good old laugh with each other. Say something daft and don't be too serious about yourselves.

DrSpechemin - I sometimes wonder whether there is an imbalance as he is so much nicer than I am!

In addition to most of the things mentioned above, a normal happy marriage involves days when you choose to love your spouse, even though love isn't the forefront emotion on your mind!

The best piece of advice my mum (who chose well with my dad ) gave me, was to choose a man who treats all women well, not just the woman they fancy. So I dumped several boyfriends who went to a strip club on a stag do/spoke disrespectfully about their sisters/boasted about their shitty actions towards an ex/were sexist.

Obviously, no one is perfect. But DH is always kind about and towards his difficult family, and treats people around him with respect. Recognising that in him quite quickly was one of he things that really attracted me. Kindness can be very under-rated in our society I think, as its not always viewed as cool.

Married 8 years.

Consideration and respect top of the list (but also both sides being forgiving if the other person is having a bad day)

Give and take (not in a strict "taking turns", but so both partners feel they have a good balance of free time, lie-ins and whatever else is important to them)

Good balance wrt household and childcare. e.g. dh might take them to the park for 2 hours, when he gets back I might say to him to go for a pint/have a coffee/read the paper). Or I might go to a friend's for 3-4 hours, knowing that he will willingly take the dcs somewhere.

had a really horrible partner previously, the worst bit was lack of consideration and respect. The other problem was alcohol dependence - his not mine

sorry, my underlined bit was meant to be in but I messed it up.

Thanks everyone who has posted so far, that's all really helpful!

I suppose, if I'm doing the above but the bloke I'm with isn't, then... I've answered my own question really, haven't I? It's not a good relationship.
Bollocks :(

Happy with DH (after 9 yrs).

Set up by friends. First thing that impressed me about him was that he had lots of friends, and gave his time freely to them & family. Also that he was smart, funny and treated me kindly, not at all a game-player and wore his heart on his sleeve.

Features of the relationship which I think help:
Having similar backgrounds, values and goals.
Working together as a team - both working hard on home, childcare, work etc. and remembering the effort the other is making. Having a sense of humour. Giving each other space when tired and grumpy. Having arguments but never letting them get abusive verbally or otherwise. Not holding a grudge / going over the same ground again and again. Accepting differences of opinion. Trying to make time to talk just to each other once a day (even for 10mns before bed). Pooling all our resources, financial & other. Accepting that all long term relationships have ups and downs. (But should mostly be ups!)

Know what you mean about not knowing what is 'normal' in a healthy relationship; if deep down, instinctively, you feel it's not right, it probably isn't. Hope these thought help.

We have been together about 8 years.
DH has a lot of annoying habits, he is not very house trained.

But he is very generous (in spirit), doesn't grumble when I buy myself handbags I don't need, and doesn't mind that I am rather lazy in the housewifing department.

If he pisses me off I can talk to him about it without feeling like we are on the verge of splitting up.

He regularly takes the DCs away overnight so I can have a little bit of a break. In return I do things like make packed lunches for him and buy smoothies he likes, and do all the getting up in the night with the children.

I suppose we just both make a bit of effort to be nice to each other, it helps smooth over the rough bits. We both appreciate each other I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I would love it if he started to occasionally clean the bath, or stopped leaving pants on the floor. But I can live with the fact he doesn't, because when I am hating work and want to cut back my hours - or when I treat myself to a shit load of Elemis just because I fancied it, he doesn't blink an eye.

Crip, I was going to post the same but you have beat me to it!