Tell me what a happy, normal relationship looks like?

[CheerfulMe]

Because I don't think I can remember anymore what it's like :(
Please, those of you currently or previously in what you would term a happy, healthy relationship with a nice bloke - tell me about it. How did you meet/get together, what was it like at the start, and if you have been/were together for many years, how was it after a while? What was it about it that made you compare it favourably to any previous relationship disasters?

My head's so messed up now I don't even know what's normal anymore... And from some of the threads on here lately, I think I'm not the only one.

Please please - happy coupling/decent men stories :) I don't think that side of things is represented enough here and we only ever hear about the lying, cheating abusers. Tell me about your wonderful blokes!

The fact that I feel envious and wistful probably means I'm in the same boat as the OP

Buggered if I know.....

I have been DH for nearly 13 years and am (generally) very happy. Yes, I have days when I have to make myself remember that while he can be arrogant I was attracted by his self confidence - that he can be really stubborn but I can be very wishy washy and he balances this out - that while he feels he has the right to know 'everything' he is absolutely trustworthy and is always on my side.

I guess his faults are also his strengths. And he has never ever given me any reason to doubt that he loves me more than anyone/anything else in the world.

Married for 25 years (nearly), together for 29. Very happy
We both love and like each other as well as respect each other. We support each other through ill health, lack of money etc.
We laugh together, cry together, but have our own interests, so always have something to talk about.
There are, of course, ups and downs, but I love him and he loves me.

Me and DP met at university: he was the boy next door! We quickly became very good friends and bonded over alcohol and geeky DVDs. I supported him through some tough times, and one evening things just ... kind of happened. We were pretty much living together from the start, since we were next to each other anyway, and it's been wonderful.

I knew there was something different with him because I actively wanted to spend all my time with him, and he felt the same. With other guys I got tired or bored watching them playing X-Box or whatever; with DP I want to spend all day, every day with him, and it doesn't get boring.

He does all the cooking; I do the washing up. It's a good symbiosis.

Sorry to hear that CheerfulMe :(

I met my bloke 8 months after splitting up from XP who was emotionally abusive, controlling, had no respect for me, used to demand sex, make me feel bad... I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy with him either. I wasn't angry. I couldn't cry. I was just numb to everything. I left and the time I had on my own was just incredible. You just really appreciate the little things - like being able to watch what I wanted on TV - or not have the TV on at all! :) Being able to listen to my music out loud and sing if I wanted to. (I really underestimated the effect this had had, but it's a massive part of who I am and when I am feeling down, happy, angry or whatever there's nothing better than belting something out really loudly.) I just felt free. I was happy never to be with anyone ever again. I would have rather been single for ever than been back there again - and that still stands. I'd rather be single than be constrained by an unhappy relationship.

Saw someone on and off for a bit. Was more casual than I'd have liked. I got hurt but even that was indescribable. I hadn't felt emotion that raw the whole time I was with XP, and he treated me a lot worse than casual shag guy did. But it made me more wary, again.

Then I met bloke I am with now - I say met, we knew each other from school, later work (small town) and had each other as msn contacts. He worked nights and I had a non-sleeping toddler keeping me up all night. We got chatting again, he was lovely as I remembered, but saw him as nothing more than a nice, supportive friend. After about 2 months we realised we had feelings for each other, and then we moved pretty quickly over the next week, from denying all knowledge to admitting things but holding off as it wasn't right (I was still really anti the idea of a relationship) to me saying wait, don't give up on me, but I might need some time, to him suddenly getting nervous and trying too hard and me feeling extremely awkward and calling it all off, at which point he relaxed as we were "just friends" - and then I just knew. And because I knew he was completely 100% happy to take things at my pace I just resisted and resisted and resisted... for about 2 days and we've been together for 4 months now.

And that was a really long story... but he just couldn't be more different to XP, casual shag guy, any other man/boy I've been out with. He's kind, he's supportive, he's great with DS (because we were already friends DS had already met him when we started dating), he can be romantic, he can be irritating, he makes me laugh. We had an argument and it was fun, because he got me all wound up and yet I could still state my opinion, and not be afraid of him. It was like arguing with my sister, not a stupid power struggle like it always was with XP. He's supportive, even when there's nothing he can do to help. He writes me little notes sometimes. He makes an excuse at work and pops out to see me for 5 minutes at 2am just to get a kiss :) Things aren't perfect - his job hours and DS' sleeping patterns make it difficult for us to see each other as much as we'd like, and when we do sometimes our sleeping patterns clash as well so one of us is bouncy and the other one is tired, but he is a good thing to be in my life, he makes me happy, I enjoy making him happy, and I never ever feel obliged to him or trapped or coerced or like I can't say something that I feel - he'd rather me be totally honest and upset him, than lie out of a fear that I might. And he's just... lovely

(Sorry... tales of honeymoon period probably not what you wanted now :( I hope you are ok. I did want to say there's hope even if your current relationship is crap - and it's worth waiting for.)

well,i feel very lucky to have my dp,we have been together 22yrs,things are not always easy nobody is perfect,but we have both been completely faithful during this time,we have seen all our friends marry and divorce,so i feel proud that we are still going strong.

Love, respect, laughter, compassion.... e adore one another, he gives me very easy life and makes me feel happy every day. We've been together 11 years, married 10.

oh cheerful, you are right to look for good stories.

After years of shit relationships with non committal flakey self absorbed idiots I decided I was really going to believe that something better was out there for me.

I met my partner and from the beginning there was an incredible spark between us. We talked and talked and after the first meeting he called, then always called on time, and after about a week told me he really liked me.

He is kind, considerate and deeply loving to me. We are the best of friends and although we do argue, it always stays within that argument. He would never, ever say something deliberately to hurt me, and when he is upset he tries to talk to me clearly about it. He tides up, cooks, expects all our work to be done equally.

He makes me believe that anything is possible and encourages me when I am nervous about something.

He leaves me notes telling me he loves me and we talk a lot about how much we care about each other. He is not jealous or controlling, but totally supportive in every way. He is just wonderful (sorry, feel embarrased even saying it!). He is my soul mate in every way. We make each other laugh constantly.

But most importantly - he is nothing like anyone else I ever went out with! I was 31 when I met him - and thought maybe I would be single forever. So - whatever age you are, whatever history you have, you can change your life.

I had a year of therapy before I met him, talking about why I went for such arseholes! I really helped me see that I was choosing these idiots and expecting people to be mean to me.

I sometimes laugh to myself at how perfect he is....it seems surreal. IT's been two years and I'm happier than ever.

good luck, you can change the kind of relationship you have x

well I met XH through our work - far too young I was easily manipulated/controlled, usual abusive story really, 8.5 years and 1 failed marriage/DS later he walked out after meeting a woman who to quote my mother in law 'messed with his head' awww bless! anyhow, it wasn't an equal marriage and I see that looking back, things like always his music, aways his choice of film/tv, me doing th chores etc etc/ cooking etc.

when we split up I had a few disaster relationships - mostly as I think my brain was trained to think that was normal and all I could achieve/best I could hope for in a relationship - one where I was always the one bending over backwards/gving to fit in with someone else etc and basically allowing myself to get treated like crap.

fastforward to meeting DP - it's been a whirlwind, but it's been the most chilled out happiest time i've ever had, we started as friends, met online of all places, but he had things going on as did I so it was only friends for a few months, then we met for a coffee (aka me paying for nandos cheap date lol) he was sent away with work so yet more talking/basically building on a friendship, then we met when he had a break and as they say the rest is history, the moment I walked along the beach arm in arm with him to the pictures I felt totally safe for the first time ever - XH had the height and attitude, but i never felt safe (mostly as he could be physical with me) anyhow, magical weekend, and we've not looked back since.

I think FA sums it up pretty well tbh.

key points for me is:-

he's loyal, he's very kind and generous, I know he'll always support me regardless if he thinks i'm being silly (he'll tell me and then smile when I look a tit but never says I told ya so!) lol. Very very respectful, hardly ever raises his voice, very caring, tbh v mild mannered as well. sometimes forgets himself I think and goes into his own little world, but then comes out and apologises.

We do also apologies to each other right away when we know we've upset the other, I'm having to learn to let him do the manly things which he likes doing (the DIY & such) which he wasn't allowed before, and he's slowly letting me do the woman things (cooking etc) but we support each other doing both, prob not making much sense.

it's all about give/take/mutual respect, love honesty, all I need to do is train him to pick up his dirty washing and he'd be perfect (ooh and maybe a little less salt in his roast potatoes lol.

oh also knew he was the one when I said i'd have less time to see him as i'd be studying 3 nights a week, plus working & gyming 2 nights a week so lucky to see each other - his response - well when you're studying i'll come over and do you're ironing. :o perfect (and he still does it every sunday night without fail for an hour while I settle ds). Helps I find him really hot as well. :) oh and finally is a really good role model or DS, think it was the time DS asked him in a shocked voice why he was doing the ironing (XH never did) and DP said, because in an equal partnership like mine and your mums it's what we do, help each other out. :))

your price charming is out there, just don't be prepared to settle or anything other than someone treating you the very best.

oh and also, remember to appreciate each other.

There is nothing that you would consider romantic about my marriage and DH is far from perfect.

However we love one another - even when we don't always like one another.

We respect one another, even if we don't always agree with one another.

We care for and support one another - we will go out of our way to do nice, kind things for one another or to enable the other to do something that they want to, even if it means inconveniencing ourselves.

There is a lot of give and take / compromise - but it is equal.

Such a nice lot of lovely stories!

I met DP about four years ago - feels like so much more, in a good way! - via Internet dating. He was obviously much more "the right one" than the other guys I'd met through that: we're quite similar in a lot of ways as far as interests are concerned. Another big thing was that he is quite close to his family - obviously this is something that people can be quite varied about, but it is important to me. He's also very silly in lots of endearing ways, which is great! I feel like I can be totally myself with him, in word and deed.

He's loyal, sensible, practical, dependable, sociable, pro-feminist, and we both get on with each other's friends. I think he looks great though it'd be nice if he could get back into shape a little more - but having a six month old DD does make the days pretty full!

Oh these stories just remind me what my relationship was like, and still is but much less regularly. Having a toddler has thrown us into flux and I think 6 years into our relationship we've finally come out of the honeymoon period and have to actually work on it.

But I know it can be good, I think we need to sit down and work out what our expectations are of each other and remember that we love each other and love to make each other happy.

Above anything else, I find DH very attractive, in among the boring day to day life we still manage to have deep and meaningfuls, and I can't imagine anyone supporting me in my career the way he does, allowing the independance I need. I would love for him to be less lazy and in some ways less selfish, and he would love for me to put out more, but it's a pretty good deal we both have and we just need to remember that occasionally.

DP and I met about three years ago. It was giddy and exhilarating, and we spent all our time either prancing around in expensive bars or in bed together. Then three months into our relationship I lost my job and he had a nervous breakdown. The following 18 months was horrible, and we nearly split up countless times.

I've moved in with him, moved out again, and finally said yes when he asked me to marry him last Christmas. The thing that made me realise he was the right one for me was discovering that even when things are shit, we're able to be honest with each other. And as long as we do that, things have tended to work out. We now have a wonderful relationship, and the fact that it was so hard-won makes it even more precious.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time. It can be possible to come through - if I'd posted in the middle of the worst patch of our relationship, I'd have been unanimously told to get the hell out pronto. I stuck it out, and will never regret that. But everyone's situation is different.

I hope things look up for you.

We have been together 12 years. We met in a nightclub, both a bit drunk, 'got together' in a not particularly romantic way and didn't expect it to go anywhere.... Yes I really fancied him but didn't expect to find Mr Perfect in a nightclub.

But then every time we met up after that we would just click, and our first 'dates' were really easy, no silences, no awkwardness, we just fitted together and it felt right. We got married after about 18 months and now twleve years on have 3 DC.

In all the years we've been together he's *always' been considerate, kind and made my feelings his first priority. We do have arguments sometimes, but they never get 'nasty', and if I'm being hormonal and start getting picky and niggly for no reason, he never takes the bait, he just gives me a cuddle, says everything's ok and makes me go and sit down and relax while he locates me some chocolate!

I trust him 100% and he's always the first person I want to talk to if I'm upset or worried about anything. I do have some really good female friends and family, but he is definitely my best friend as well as my husband.

I know that I am very lucky. I have been in bad relationships in the past and sadly see them around me with people I know.

And PS I still fancy him a lot and he does me. It's not that we're always 'at it', with 3 DC you can't be, but I think having that 'spark' there definitely helps you through the more difficult times.

I would hate to have a perfect relationship :) would be a bit boring I think.

Been with partner 5 years and he managed to forget my birthday yesterday , he called me from work at 8am when he remembered and fessed up he hadn't even bought a card. I reassured him it was ok because I know he's been working 50+ hours a week and had been ill dragging himself off to office still at 5 am most mornings.

He felt really bad and threw money at the situation :o so i'm now waiting for gifts to arrive hopefully today.

I have many faults as does he, he's never been very good at remembering events, he also forgets to tell me plans he's made until the last minute all the time and that drives me mad! I like my own company and can be unreasonably grumpy if I feel i've not had any time to myself.

We dont play games with each other, we forgive each other our faults, if we are in the wrong we can both say sorry even if it takes a bit of time to admit it and we love being in each others company. If something out of the ordinary happens it's him I tell first and vice versa.

Perfect is what makes you happy I don't want anyone else I couldn't replace him so I guess that's a happy healthy relationship to me.

Thank you so much to the people who have posted so far. Your stories give me a pang in my chest. I think it's only when you contrast a profoundly unhappy situation with happy ones that it really becomes apparent how messed up it is. Perspective is everything, I suppose :(
Anyway, thank you and keep 'em coming.

I feel totally accepted and loved for who I am. He calls me on my shit and sometimes we argue, but fundamentally, I know he really likes me. He respects me. He finds me attractive even when I'm not. He works hard, he's responsible, he's a great dad. He's kind. He reacts well if I call him on his shit, as long as I do it politely and respectfully rather than shoutily.

Being with him feels as free and relaxed and comfortable as being alone, only better.

I was with a shit for years before DH. Alone for a few years after that, and after the grief wore off that was so much better than being in the wrong relationship. Being alone was fine. If DH ever left I'd be gutted, but I'd also be okay. And if he ever turned into an arsehole, I'd leave myself.

Life is so short. Think how fast the past 5 years have gone, and the next 5 will go much much faster, because time speeds up as you age. One day, you'll turn round and realise you're old - and will you really think years spent with someone who makes you feel like crap was a good use of this short, infinitely possible, terrifyingly finite life? You will be dead and gone, and you will have spent years letting someone make you feel bad. It's heartbreaking so many people do. I was one. I'll never get those 6 years back - but I sure as hell won't be repeating them.

I met the love of my life last year, aged 42, after a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage and a long term physically abusive (not often, but still...) relationship. I think I know myself better and trust my judgement better than I did previously. Now I'm a single parent of two I have to be more self-aware as well as a better judge of character.

I never thought that I'd meet anyone as special. I wasn't even looking for 'the one'. Yes, I was on a dating site, but the aim was to get out more, meet new people and go to new places - anything else was a bonus! However, after two weeks of exchanging messages, texts and emails and one telephone conversation, we met in person. I wasn't swept off my feet immediately, and it was three dates before I was sure how I felt, felt that I could trust him and was willing to take the plunge. After the first date, I emailed my friend to update her and told her that whoever he ended up with would be lucky to have him. Well as it turned out, I'm the lucky one...although he would tell you that he's the lucky one. I would never have said that about either of my ex-partners, which is quite telling in itself.

Cheerful Me, I didn't know what was normal either. Sometimes I think that being in a loving relationship with someone who respects, adores and values me isn't normal either, but then I'm still getting used to it. I know now though that it is the only type of relationship that is good enough.

lilac, your line: "Sometimes I think that being in a loving relationship with someone who respects, adores and values me isn't normal either" has hit the nail on the head. I'm putting up with crap because I don't even know what's acceptable anymore. Being unhappy feels normal, putting up with shoddy treatment feels normal. I'm scared I just don't know how to get to the point where I feel I'm deserving of something more than that, and I can't bloody afford a counsellor. If a lovely bloke came into my life when I was single I'd probably have just looked through him straight to the messed up, difficult, unavailable man over his shoulder...

Gah. I was in a pretty decent relationship once, my first love. We were together for a few years, but I was young, and selfish and crap at communicating. My bloke was really quite nice but I didn't treat him as well as I would now. (And it was still long distance for most of it, as so many of my relationships have been) Since then I seem to have picked eejits who behave terribly. I'm so frightened I can't get out of the cycle now and the longer it goes on, the older I get, the more used I get to this as the norm. The longer something goes on for, the harder it gets to believe that anything else is possible. I'm only fricking 27 years old but I feel like a failure at relationships...

It's very painful but also good to be reminded of what 'good' is like. I do remember, so that's something I suppose :) It's just very distant and overlaid by a lot of rubbish since.

Having had an abusive relationship in the past, I think the difference for me is that my DH makes my life better, not worse. He wants the best for me. Doesn't want to control or restrict me. Has the same values as me. If there was a decision to be made - I know that he would make the same decision as me. Sort of working as a team. We fill each others' gaps. No tasks belong to either of us. What needs doing gets done by whoever can manage it. He's not miserable for the sake of it or to manipulate or control. Just generally happy.

I remember my previous relationship as constant arguing and crying. Sometimes missing work because of it. Feeling I couldn't be myself.

cheerful, i'm only 28 so theres plenty of time :) plus have a child who adores dp.

to be fair I did give him a very very hard time at the start - cos well - men treat you like crap, then leave right? why let someone get close enough to hurt ya cos end of the day they'll just leave you being vulnerable, so I tried to do it first with DP. He basically sat me down and said no, i'm not letting you do this, we talked, he was kind and patient and let me draw my own conclusions.

He's also the one who's taught me that sex doesn't = love, and to use my body as such (like with XH) isn't the right mentality, so he actually said no quite a few times and just cuddled, I got upset very upset, but it actually makes sense - intimacy means so much more. You'll find the right one, but sometimes it's best to work on ourselves to change our own perspective.

CheerfulMe I would absolutely echo what eons says - the right person makes your life better, not worse. And they bring out the best in you, not the worst.

In the past when I was in a bad relationship, I was a moody, miserable and argumentative old cow. But guess what - I'm not anymore. Being with someone who treats you badly can drag you down to their level over time.

You may not be able to afford counselling but doctors can refer people to counsellors for all sorts of reasons - would it be worth talking to your doc to see if there's anyone who could help? A friend of mine was referred a few years ago after coming out of a bad relationship and suffering from stress issues as a result. She had ten sessions with a counsellor on the NHS and it did her the world of good.

There's things you can do yourself to help focus yourself in the right direction too. It may sound like nothing, but years ago I wrote a list of what I wanted in a man and what I definitely didn't want; the important things (to me) like being reliable and honest for example. Once you have it down on paper it makes it more real and you can't help but mentally look through your 'check list' when you meet anyone new. It definitely helps you focus on what you really want, which is a start.

I have a new partner after an almost 10 year abusive marriage,

what makes it great

kindness - from him to me as well as the other way round.
Consideration - I know he is thinking of my feelings/needs/wishes all the time. I know this because of his actions.
he's very very sexy! (OK i know that may not last!! )
he never raises his voice to me or the kids
we can disagree, and agree to differ
he is not controlling or manipulative
I respect him enormously, and I feel respected
I LIKE him so much. I didnt LIKE my exH.
Hes fun, we can be serious, but we have a laugh
He is generous, with his time & skills as well as money/gifts.
He is emotionally open and honest.

Im pretty lucky (but I have been through a lot of shit to get here)

:)

Together for almost 7 years, married in 2008 and 2nd child on the way. We are very happy and I think what makes it work is that we both see our relationship and family as an investment and we know we have to work hard to make it pay off.

Our relationship histories couldn't be more different. I had strings of awful relationships, affairs with married men, always jumped in with both feet and ended up alone and regretful. DH had never had a girlfriend at all! But the position was that when we met the timing was completely right. We both wanted a happy and fulfilling LTR and were prepared to be honest, communicate with each other and discuss the future and how it would work for us. Also we were given excellent advice by the vicar who married us and we still stick to a lot of it (never go to bed on an argument! It's a cliche but it helps) and have really good marriage 'role models' in our circle of friends and family.

I should say that we are different people but have enough shared interests to always have something to talk about. Ultimately, though, what has made us truly happy is becoming a family. It's a deeper happiness than when it was just the two of us and although we are more quarrelsome than before, we have a tighter bond and we know the bickering will always be resolved.

OP, I really hope your relationship will improve - can you get some time alone with your DP to talk things through? It can sometimes seem darkest before the dawn. x

I can only hope we wi