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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i trust him

90 replies

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 11:49

my partner of 15 years started a new job last year and he has become very close to one of his female colleagues. She is in an abusive relationship and confides in him a lot. I noticed our phone bills were becoming really expensive so i checked them online and found out that he's been sending her over 600 texts a month. When i confronted him he said it was someone elses number then owned up that it was this woman. He promised to stop sending as many texts but said he won't be told who he can have as a friend. I've never had an issue with trust but i'm becoming really paranoid and suspicious he takes his phone everywhere with him and has even taken out another contract so i can't check the bills. I don't know whether to confront this woman or not i wouldn't want her husband finding out and turning violent with her but ican't just sit back and watch my relationship die. He says he'll leave if i can;t trust him i feel like i'm the one in the wrong :(

OP posts:

laosvher · 22/02/2011 11:52

Only you know whether you can trust him or not.
I'd be suspicious too, fwiw - the lying about who he was texting.
Perhaps suggest he tells her about WA? And are you sure she's in an abusive relationship? Or is this just what he's told you as some sort of excuse for texting her?

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 11:53

i only know what he's told me but i wouldn't want her to suffer because i'm paranoid

OP posts:

eandz · 22/02/2011 11:54

...i wouldn't be able to trust behavior like this.

laosvher · 22/02/2011 11:56

Don't feel like you're the one in the wrong, don't let him make you feel this way.

Squitten · 22/02/2011 11:58

If he's not doing anything wrong then he doesn't have any reason to hide his phone activity from you. It's suspicious

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:00

if he is being secretive i dont blame you for being suspicious. but why would you confront her? she isn't teh one that would eb cheating on you, your partner is. confront him!!

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:01

if i say i can't trust him he's going to leave, i'll be breaking up my family and i can just imagine people saying you kicked him out because he text someone how stupid is that. i'm so confused i feel like i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't

OP posts:

countingto10 · 22/02/2011 12:04

Would he like you to send 600+ texts a month to another man and then for you to get a phone that he had no access to. A man with nothing to hide, hides nothing. Of course it is inappropriate behaviour and don't let him tell you otherwise. It needs tackling, trust your instincts on this one. You need to see the texts to get an idea of the "friendship", if they were that innocent he would have no problem showing you.

laosvher · 22/02/2011 12:04

No, the relationship will be ending because of lack of trust.
That's not stupid at all

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:05

no, you wont be breaking up your family (my ex used to throw that line out too when he was in teh wrong). you're partner is acting secretive and you have a right to ask him why. if he doesn't like that you don't trust him then he needs to look at his behaviour and what is cusing you to be suspicious. do not take the blame for his actions.

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:05

No, you can't trust him. He has already lied to you about who he was texting. Wonder why?

AgeingGrace · 22/02/2011 12:08

That's how he's got control over you.

It's completely reasonable to be angry that he lied about his texts and is now living part of his life in secret.

Stop thinking about this other woman and start thinking about you. IF he leaves, you won't be breaking up your family - he will! Also, it won't be "over some texts", it'll be him choosing his secret life over his family life.

How are you feeling?

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:11

feel so low, feel like i can't talk to any of our friends - all couples who are friends with both of us

OP posts:

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 22/02/2011 12:11

spagbolmum - don't stay because you are worried what others will think. the people you are closest to you will trust your judgement anyway. it's not as if you are not going to hurt over the split is it?

his behaviour sounds decidedly iffy. of course he is going to make it "your fault" for not trusting him but the truth is he is behaving in a way that is not conducive to trust. when you are in a relationship you can't just go around behaving as if you were single and that is what he is doing.

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:12

i'm so sick of putting on the happy face so that noone knows there's something wrong

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:13

Wait a minute, he is telling you that he will leave if you can't trust him? He already knows you can't, because you caught him out lying about whos number he was texting.

Sounds like he wants out, I would give him exactly what he wants.

AgeingGrace · 22/02/2011 12:14

... I hope you're feeling angry, because I'm VERY cross on your behalf!

Basically, he's saying he would rather leave than share his life with you. I don't believe him. I couldn't respect him after that but, whichever way you want to go, I'd say call him on it. Pack him a bag, explain clearly that you're accepting his terms - he gets to keep his secrets and leave - and make sure you've got a friend handy!

I don't think he wants to leave, I just think he's bullying you to save his own face

AgeingGrace · 22/02/2011 12:15

x-post with lots!

Go on, spagbol, phone some friends :)

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:18

thanks everyone x

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 22/02/2011 12:18

No-one needs to receive 20+ texts per day for weeks on end, even in a crisis. If this female colleague really were in an abusive relationship then your H would be putting her at risk with his constant texting. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

LessNarkyPuffin · 22/02/2011 12:20

Over 600 a month? Over 20 per day? Whatever that is it's not normal unless he's 14.

Go phone some friends.

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:24

yep 600 in 1 month i printed the itemised bills when i confronted him, and he still said it wasn't right

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:24

Phone you pals spagbolmum, you shouldn't be feeling the need to keep this all in, he is the one who is treating you badly.

I really would tell him that, as I don't trust him, due to his confirmed lying, I will have a bag packed. Call him on his shitty behaviour, he will have more respect for you if you demand it.
x

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:29

him telling you he will leave if you dont trust him is a threat he will not carry through. he already knows you don't trust him. what he is actually saying is "i will leave if you ask any more questions that i don't want to answer"

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:31

BTW, i still don't think he will leave, i think he is saying this to scare you into dropping it.

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