should i trust him

[spagbolmum]

my partner of 15 years started a new job last year and he has become very close to one of his female colleagues. She is in an abusive relationship and confides in him a lot. I noticed our phone bills were becoming really expensive so i checked them online and found out that he's been sending her over 600 texts a month. When i confronted him he said it was someone elses number then owned up that it was this woman. He promised to stop sending as many texts but said he won't be told who he can have as a friend. I've never had an issue with trust but i'm becoming really paranoid and suspicious he takes his phone everywhere with him and has even taken out another contract so i can't check the bills. I don't know whether to confront this woman or not i wouldn't want her husband finding out and turning violent with her but ican't just sit back and watch my relationship die. He says he'll leave if i can;t trust him i feel like i'm the one in the wrong :(

sorry emma, thats not what i meant at all. i've seen pictures of them out at work does etc the ones where the other half isn't invited and she's a lot older than us and definately not what i thoughy his type was. sorry to cause offence

OK Spagbol. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. Please don't feel pressured into giving us a decision, even though we are all screaming 'kick the lying bastard out'. It's all very easy to comment on someone else's life, I know that.

You have already taken back some control by posting here and admitting to the anonymous MN world that there's a problem.

The way I see it is that your DH has given you two options:

1. Accept what he does, even if you find it unreasonable and don't complain
2. Tell him to leave.

You are taking option 1 now, by default, and it is making you very unhappy. However, this infatuation may pass (after some time) , and you can keep your head down and hope to come through it with some self-esteem intact. There are women who do this and only you know if you can be one of them. It's not for anyone on here to judge that either.

Or he may leave you for her.

Option 2 - You tell him to go.

He may come crawling back as soon as he realises you are serious and his fantasy rescuer world falls apart. You can then decided if you want him back.

He leaves, he was waiting for you to do it anyway. He just didn't want to be the bad guy.

Sorry, I wish there was a better option.

thanks belle x big decision to make

600 texts is obscene. He's dedicating too much emotional time to this woman that's for sure. PLUS he even works with her? For how many seconds of the day are they NOT in contact with each other?

well i just asked him to choose, stop texting the other woman or leave me & the kids
his answer..... well i'm not going to ignore a text no matter who its from
choice made i think :(

Get rid.

This is already an affair IMO

WELL DONE SELF RESPECT RESTORED!!! XXX

and anger bubbling over x

What kind of person chooses texting over their wife & children? Pathetic!

Spagbol- my DH had an affair with a work colleague who he helped as she was getting over a relationship breakup (her choice), they started an affair and 6 months later when I found out he left for her, I had no idea apart from he was very stressed but I thought it was work. If your instinct is telling you something, then there is probably something wrong. IMO for what its worth is I would be very suspicious and even more so with the new phone, thats not right.

Good Luck lovely, thinking of you.

Fwiw my mils new fella is 19 years younger so don't think he won't because of the age difference.

You are well rid of this loser.

You have your answer spagbol, and what a choice.

I think this is an affair, and even if not, it's an emotional investment that is over riding the importance of his parter and children.

So angry for you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Still, there is a positive, you are now free to live an honest life, and meet someone who will treat you with total respect. It's priceless, without respect and trust, there is no relationship.

and he made the choice so i don't feel guilty at all, so my afternoon is sorted - he's gone to work i'm gonna pack his bags then pick the kids up from the mil's and try to explain as gently as possible that daddy won't be living with us anymore

So sorry for your situation spagbolmum. It would appear that she is looking for a rescuer, and he is happy to stand in those shoes.

Hopefully, if you put your foot down fully over this, he will be shocked to his senses. That's if you want him to be - your call, not his.

well, i am glad you have an answer and have made a decision. seeing his response, i am now convinced this is an affair.

So sorry Spagbol.

I think you know that no committed, loving partner would put someone else before their spouse and children.

Don't let him pretend he has been reasonable. He hasn't. And he left you no choice but to protect your sanity.

Sadly, I think this is probably already an affair, but it doesn't actually matter (for the reasons above).

Good luck with the kids, we're thinking of you.

thanks belle, just wish i knew how i'm going to tell them without going to pieces in front of them and making it worse. they are 9 & 11

I don't know how you do it either, but I'm sure some ladies on here have had experience and can help.

FWIW, I don't think it matters if you fall apart when you tell them and all end up having a big hug and a cry. I think it would be odd to pretend that you were fine about it - but maybe I'm wrong, you know your kids best.

Have you got a friend/family member that can be there for you? Time to call in reinforcements and put yourself first.

Well done, you're a very strong woman and I'm in awe of you :)

don't feel like one at the minute but thanks to everyone who came to my rescue today :)

gonna make the kids their favourite tea bet you can guess from my name what that is :)

Have you got some rl support?

I think he is full of shit. And has clearly fallen for the damsel in distress thing, oldest line in the book.

What are you going to do re money, the legals etc. Do you work?

i work 30 hrs, but mortgage and other bills come to more than my wage alone i need to work out what i need and ask what he's going to give me. never been thru this so don;t know the legalities

I'm afraid I don't have any advice on the legalities etc (I'm sure someone will be along soon who does) but I just wanted to say well done for not putting up with this. Your two girls are really lucky to have a mum like you.

thanks shirty x :)