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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i trust him

90 replies

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 11:49

my partner of 15 years started a new job last year and he has become very close to one of his female colleagues. She is in an abusive relationship and confides in him a lot. I noticed our phone bills were becoming really expensive so i checked them online and found out that he's been sending her over 600 texts a month. When i confronted him he said it was someone elses number then owned up that it was this woman. He promised to stop sending as many texts but said he won't be told who he can have as a friend. I've never had an issue with trust but i'm becoming really paranoid and suspicious he takes his phone everywhere with him and has even taken out another contract so i can't check the bills. I don't know whether to confront this woman or not i wouldn't want her husband finding out and turning violent with her but ican't just sit back and watch my relationship die. He says he'll leave if i can;t trust him i feel like i'm the one in the wrong :(

OP posts:

countingto10 · 22/02/2011 18:43

Don't forget that this is also a life lesson for your DDs about how not to be treated by a man and how to deal with it if you are. You are a very good role model . Indeed would your DH like one of your DDs to be treated by a man the way he has treated you ?

SueWhite · 22/02/2011 19:23

I think if you have 2 children you get 20% of his earnings through child maintenance. As you are not married I don't think you can get any more than that, but may be wrong...

QueeferSutherland · 22/02/2011 22:03

Please stay strong.

As counting says, you are doing your DDs a masive favour.

He wants you to kick him out so he can shag her without the guilt.

DO NOT believe him when he gives you the "well, you didn't want me..." line.

HE has fucked up.

It is already an affair.

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 22:14

it would be easier if i hated him but i don't, he's always been there for me & the kids he's my rock

i keep having moments of strength and the rest of the time i'm a wreck.

if i do give in and agree to him staying only for this to happen again in a months time i'll feel like a complete and utter twat (sorry for the language)

OP posts:

YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 22:21

What Queefer said

Doha · 22/02/2011 22:21

Has he gone yet ??

Where is he going to stay and what is his reaction to you turfing him out.

Of course you can't hate him yet.. Your world has been shattered and it is only natural for you to feel devastated. The anger will come.

In the meantime be kind to yourself and look after your DC's who will be hurt and confused right now

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 22:30

no not yet he's going to be at work for the next 24hrs so i won't see him till tomorrow nite.

He's arranged to stay with one of our friends who has a spare room, i don't know if he'll be leaving for good or if we'll be able to work all this out.

i would prefer to work it out cos i don't want to throw away 15 years on some text messages, but i want him to want to be with me

i'm so close to getting in touch with the ow and making her realise what they are doing to me and my family

OP posts:

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 22:32

he was in floods of tears and kept saying he was sorry which just made me want to hug him

OP posts:

Doha · 22/02/2011 22:38

No l don't think contacting the OW is a good idea.

This has to be worked out between you and your DP.

SueWhite · 22/02/2011 23:22

Give it time, he will want back in.

He will realise he doesn't want to bin something so important over a load of texts to someone else who isnt even that fit

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 23:40

If you buckle now, you will lose all your bargaining power.

he's crying cos he got caught. he's crying cos he thought you were under the thumb, and have proved your strength more than matches his.

YOU are not throwing away anything. HE DID ALL THAT.

This is not just 'some text messages' this is at the very least an emotional affair, and quite possibly a physical one.

Get angry, stay angry and keep strong.

Sunflower38 · 22/02/2011 23:46

He didnt think you had the balls to not accept his behaviour. Stay strong so he knows you mean it now. Cave now and he'll think you will accept that kind of treatment.

Crying eh, the guy should be on his knees begging for forgiveness...

lisapenn · 23/02/2011 10:17

I don't think you are paranoid at all. I think that even if nothing happened yet, it could be just a matter of time.
This is an article about emotional affair signs that could be helpful to you:
ezinearticles.com/?Emotional-Affair-Signs---Is-Your-Husband-Having-An-Emotional-Affair?&id=5727607

Always trust your instincts and hang in there...there's a solution for eveyrthing...

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/02/2011 12:13

SPAGBOL: "i don't know if he'll be leaving for good or if we'll be able to work all this out"

You do know that this decision about leaving for good, is actually YOUR call to make don't you. He doesn't have that power over you anymore.

You are not going to sit there wondering if he's going to come back to you, you are the one to tell HIM when he's sorted his act out enough to be accepted back in the house.

waterrat · 23/02/2011 16:49

spagbol, when he was in tears, did he explain any more about this? Ie. why he was prepared to allow a friendship to spoil his marriage. He needs to show you the texts and talk through things - it really does sound very very unacceptable and I think you need to stay strong and remember that. It's not reasonable - and as someone said, if he was really helping her he wouldn't be hiding anything from you. He has lied - therefore he has to prove himself, it's not up to you to trust him.

I would recommend calling this woman - remember, she hasn't done any of the betraying here, so I wouldnt start off on that foot.

He might be absolutely lying to you - in fact, im sorry to say, he probably is. So you should call her and jsut say , look I want to know whats going on. Its him that has split your family, not her.

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