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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i trust him

90 replies

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 11:49

my partner of 15 years started a new job last year and he has become very close to one of his female colleagues. She is in an abusive relationship and confides in him a lot. I noticed our phone bills were becoming really expensive so i checked them online and found out that he's been sending her over 600 texts a month. When i confronted him he said it was someone elses number then owned up that it was this woman. He promised to stop sending as many texts but said he won't be told who he can have as a friend. I've never had an issue with trust but i'm becoming really paranoid and suspicious he takes his phone everywhere with him and has even taken out another contract so i can't check the bills. I don't know whether to confront this woman or not i wouldn't want her husband finding out and turning violent with her but ican't just sit back and watch my relationship die. He says he'll leave if i can;t trust him i feel like i'm the one in the wrong :(

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:38

I agree Booy

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:42

i agree with you but i don't want to drop it and carry on as if nothings wrong i would rather be without him and unhappy for a little while than with him and unhappy all the time

OP posts:

bairn24 · 22/02/2011 12:44

I don't think this is normal or acceptable behaviour, and the fact that he lied about it when you initially confronted him would make alarm bells ring with me.
There would be 2 main issues I would want to discuss - firstly what do the texts say, what is the nature of them, is he a shoulder to cry on or has it developed into more than a supporting role? Secondly where are you when all this texting is taking place? Is he doing it in the evenings when at home with you? Why's this relationship strayed out of work (even if it is just supporting a friend).
Also, why's he saying he'll leave if you won't drop it? Is this behaviour which you are used to? Or is the first time he's said it now? In both cases I would be concerned, but if it's the latter you need to know why he's being so protective about this "friendship".

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:44

Then tell him he has to go, he has broken your trust by lying to you, and you are taking him up on his threat to leave due to lack of trust.

He is due a taste of life with only his textbuddy for company.

EmmaBGoode · 22/02/2011 12:47

You need to be brave. I would tell him that unless he stops all contact with this woman and provides his phone bills as proof, then you want to end your relationship with him. I think it is very likely that he is either having an affair with this woman, or is about to.

Sorry. This must be very hard for you. As I said, you need to be brave.

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:49

believe me, when you end a relationship like that, you will not be unhappy (i did it in august, i haven't been this happy in years).

in your shoes i would tell him you can't trust him so you are ending it.

mpops · 22/02/2011 12:49

Have you asked him to show you the type of texts he's sending her? I know it's not right to do this sort of thing but if he is serious about wanting to save your relationship, he should be able to do this. I normally wouldn't bat an eyelid if my DH felt he had to look after someone going through a difficult time but 600 texts in a month is mad. I'm not saying there is something going on but he should be able to understand why you are worrying and it's his responsibility to make it right.

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:53

bairn24, he says the texts are just him supporting her when she's having trouble at home. a while ago he had a call from her when i was at home and he went out straight away in the car. i packed his bags straight away but he came back and told me she walked out of home after being hit and she just needed someone to talk to then i felt guilty for doing it.
GOD I'M SUCH A DOORMAT

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Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:55

emma, he works with her nearly every day and the worst thing is they car share

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AgeingGrace · 22/02/2011 12:56

Maybe, but it seems you've had enough! Anyway, you weren't a doormat - you trusted him which is what you do in a relationship. He's kind of pissed all over your trust, hasn't he?

Grrr.

Honestly, tell a few friends. And think of a short, clear speech ...

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 22/02/2011 12:59

spagbolmum - he is pulling a fast one definitely. This could almost have been me about 16/17 years ago! Been there done that with the whole "supporting her when she's having trouble at home." (not so much with all the texting but that was in the days before high mobile phone usage). Supporting her by shagging her, that's what he is doing. The defensiveness, the "if you don't like it I'll leave", the "you can't tell me who to be friends with" - all completely classic signs. Don't fall for it. If he really wanted to leave he would have taken the opportunity to confess when you confronted him and left then. He wants his cake and to eat it. He also wants you to finish it - so he feels vindicated and less to blame.

I would take him up on his offer to leave (be strong!) - and make it crystal clear you know he is a lying cheating bastard no matter what he says and his actions are the cause of the break up!

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 12:59

i think pissed all over my trust might be in the speech, that made me smile for the 1st time in a while

OP posts:

BelleBelicious · 22/02/2011 13:01

So, he sends another woman 600 text a month (secretly) and lies about it. (cheating behaviour)

When you find out and show him proof so that he can no longer lie, he tells you that it's not a problem. (gaslighting behaviour)

He half-heartedly says he won't text so much, but then takes out another phone and so that you can't check. (cheating behaviour)

He tells you if you don't like it, he will leave. (emotionally abusive behaviour - don't complain about what I do or I'll leave and it will be all your fault)

Right.

You are probably in shock right now, which is why you aren't fuming. But everyone on MN is fuming for you .

What do you think about it? Honestly? Is this acceptable to you? Would you expect a friend to stay in a relationship like this?

What do you want to do?

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 13:01

He had no need to walk to the car when she called about being hit. You are his partner, he could have sat in front of you and took the call, or even in the bedroom if there was too much noise.

He is an idiot if he thinks he is being atall reasonable. Or that you are being unreasonable.

Show him you demand respect.

EmmaBGoode · 22/02/2011 13:02

Get the contact details for Women's Aid and ask him to suggest she calls them. Beyond that, I would have to say that I would ask him to leave. You mentioned being a doormat, I didn't want to say that but you know it's true if you continue to put up with this.

What is your practical situation? Do you own your property? Do you have children?

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 13:03

Well said Belle.

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 13:06

you're right i'm in shock at the moment i need to be angry i know its not acceptable and if it was happening to someone else i'd be telling them to get rid! i think it's easier to be on the outside of a situation like this but i'm not and i have to deal with it i just don't know how to deal with it yet

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BelleBelicious · 22/02/2011 13:09

Thanks Perfumed. I probably shouldn't read messages like this, as they just get me so

joanne34 · 22/02/2011 13:10

20 texts a day ? is that all out of work time and including the weekends ?

My dp texts a female colleague, but it's about once or twice a day, re fag break. Never ever in the evenings or weekends only when they are at work, as they are not allowed to use emails for personal use.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2011 13:11

If he was really worried about a woman at work he would surely have no problems at all seeking his wife's support. He might be interested in a female perspective, for example discussing about why a woman would stay in an abusive relationship. He would almost certainly encourage her to call the police after she had been hit. By the sound of it, this does not follow any such pattern. The delicate whiff of bullshit pervades the air.

As has been said before, it's funny how men swing into rescue mode for attractive women in a way they would not for a little old lady with a whiskery chin.

countingto10 · 22/02/2011 13:15

How is his behaviour apart from the texting, is he picking rows out of nothing eg ? I'm sure if WWIFN was here, she would be asking a few very pertinent questions. I know when my DH started his affair, the bad behaviour at home started, picking rows, him being extremely stressed etc. And I know I felt extremely unsettled (for the want of a better word) and not knowing why. DH had a secret mobile to conduct his affair

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 13:16

i would understand if she was attractive but shes not, i'm no oil painting i'm a mum of 2 who eats far to much chocolate with a a few spare tyres!, she's at least 10 years older than my husband so i don't think he's shaggin her or i hope not. but for my husband and best friend to be that close to another woman kills me

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EmmaBGoode · 22/02/2011 13:20

Just because she's 10 years older than him doesn't mean they're not shagging. I am 10 years older than my DH and he shags me.

[Desperately trying not to take offence at spagbolmum's comment]

Original poster

spagbolmum · 22/02/2011 13:20

countingto10, his behaviour hasn't really changed that much, he's always worked too many hours. he works shifts so when i'm off he's at work and vice versa so we don't see each other as much as we'd like.i can just tell when he's lying or trying to fob me off with another excuse

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countingto10 · 22/02/2011 13:21

It's got nothing to do with what they look like, it's to do with your DP having his ego stroked, him being made to feel important and needed by her etc. My DH visably cringes when I remind him of OW, scrapping the bottom of the barrel doesn't come close but it was to do with his self destruction phase and him thinking that was all he deserved IYSWIM.

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