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Original poster

boyfriend not working

98 replies

metrogirl · 19/02/2011 13:36

We are both 25 with no kids. I have a low paid job but he hasn't worked since leaving uni. He won't even sign on and lives on his parents' handouts. We love each other and are planning to move in together but he won't talk to me about how he will pay his share of the rent after his savings have run out. Has anyone had any experience of this. My boyfriend says he can't get a job because of the unemployment situation but my dps just say he's workshy. Am I living in cloud cookoo land?

OP posts:
ICanPluck · 19/02/2011 13:46

You are. Bin him. He needs to get a grip and grow up. There are jobs out there, unfortunately just because he has a degree it does not mean he will land himself a cushy graduate job - if he has to stack shelves on the night shift in Asda, then that's what he has to do.

Where is his pride? His motivation? Self respect? To still be relying on The Bank of Mummy & Daddy at 25 is rather pathetic in my books.

You'll be making a huge mistake to move in with him. I wouldn't even be wasting my time being in a relationship with him, imagine if children came into the equation?

FakePlasticTrees · 19/02/2011 13:47

Yes, you are living in cloud cookoo land.

If you move in with him, he will go from living off his parents to living off you. if he isn't even claiming benefits, I'm assuming his parents are funding him - even if they aren't giving him cash, he will be used to food being in the fridge, electricity bills being dealt with by others etc.

If he wants to live with you, he has to prove he has a regular monthly income. How many jobs has he applied for this month or is he waiting for something that's perfect for him? I'd get the local paper, circle every job he is able to apply for (including min wage roles) and ask him if he's not working, why isn't he applying for them all? Is he doing voluntary work to get something on his CV? How many recruitment agencies has he signed up with?

I'd dump him and if he grows up, then think about taking him back and living with him.

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 13:48

If you want to eventually replace his Mum then go for it.

If not bin the waster.

Mushrooms · 19/02/2011 13:48

Avoid avoid avoid. Do not move in with him- if he is happy at this age to live off his parents, then he will happily live off you.

The kinder side of me asks if he might be depressed? That kind of apathy might indicate so. But he needs to at least sign on.

How does he have savings anyway?

Glamour · 19/02/2011 13:53

oooooh gosh ive known his type, stay clear, sound like your typical run of the mill waster

lemonmousse · 19/02/2011 13:54

I was wondering about possible depression too mushrooms.

How well do you know his parents OP? Could you talk to them about him?

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 14:00

I don't know his parents very well. He's not at all assertive and this prevents him from going for lots of jobs. I'm the opposite and couldn't imagine not working. Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind him being a househusband as this is what he'd like to be, but I'm worried about the financial side. We never really talk about him getting a job as he clams up and just says he's always applying for jobs but never gets anywhere. His savings are from gifts from parents and relatives and he sometimes sells things on ebay.

OP posts:
ICanPluck · 19/02/2011 14:02

What did he go to university for then? A hobby? Hmm

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 14:06

I think he just like the subject he studied. He is a lovely person and we are very much in love and I'm hoping he will find a job once we move in together.

OP posts:
dwpanxt · 19/02/2011 14:12

Workshy ,waster , user, lazy, idle, indolent, slothful , shiftless and a Mummys boy to boot.

Of course his ambition is to be a house-husband as this would absolve him from having to get a job ever.

If your own ambition is to keep a grown man in the manner in which he has become accustomed get on with it. But dont ever expect anything more of him. He will only disappoint.

ICanPluck · 19/02/2011 14:13

You'd be a fool to move in with him when he is binging absolutely no money in. What motivation will he have to ever find a job when he has a lovely understanding partner who is mistaking his gentle nature and loveliness for pure laziness? That's all it is. He has gotten so used to having everything he needs handed to him by dear Mummy and Daddy, why would he need to work? And now he has you wanting to do the same as them.

Don't be a mug. Tell him if he loves you, and want a future with you, and to live with you, then he needs to get off his arse and prove it by earning himself some money.

HansieMom · 19/02/2011 14:17

I'm hoping he will find a job once we move in together.

You have that backwards. He needs to get a job first!

superv1xen · 19/02/2011 14:18

oh god i can't stand people like OP's dp Hmm CBA to work yet take handouts off mummy and daddy. ffs.

as other posters have said, there ARE jobs out there, if he was a decent human being he would take a job in a factory/cleaning/mcdonalds.

sorry OP he sounds a waste of space.

Snorbs · 19/02/2011 14:19

"I'm hoping he will find a job once we move in together."

And if he doesn't? I'd do it the other way round: he needs to find a job and stick at it a while before you consider moving in together.

Yes, the job market is tough at the moment. I'm currently unemployed after being made redundant and finding it difficult but I'm old and have childcare responsibilities. Your DP is young, educated and has total flexibility about work hours.

The fact that he isn't even signing on suggests that he's really not that bothered about finding work.

One final question - what does he do all day?

atswimtwolengths · 19/02/2011 14:19

Hold fire for a bit. Let him get a job and manage his life for himself. If you still want him then, maybe move in with him.

If he'd like to be a SAHD just because he doesn't want to go to work, that's not a good enough reason, in my book.

earwicga · 19/02/2011 14:21

'I'm hoping he will find a job once we move in together.'

He won't. Been there, done that. Don't move in together until he's found a job and held it down for quite a while.

alison60 · 19/02/2011 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glamour · 19/02/2011 14:23

seriously lovely, you'll be constantly skint, down on yourself and you'll be feeling trapped if you move in with him, as much as you love him you need to realise this isnt for the best, if he want to live with you that much he'll get a job first wont he? why cant he do that? because your family are right hes workshy and idle! i blame the parents! but to be honest your not going to listen, so if you do move in just keep your head about you and when you end up in a hard situation i hope its easy to dig yourself out of it, and then you can take it as a lesson learnt!

Glamour · 19/02/2011 14:25

''only 25''

thats no excuse, hes 25 not a child alison60 he shoud have a bit more about him at 25 in my opinion!

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 14:26

Alison, love does not pay the bills I'm afraid.

It's because op is young and care free, she should not tie herself to a waster, who at 25 has still not got even a part time job and won't even sign on.

It will only bring resentment and financial hardship to her, he'll bring her down I gt'e it.

earwicga · 19/02/2011 14:27

alison60 - big difference though, your OH WAS working.

geisha · 19/02/2011 14:32

I think you know you are living in cloud cuckoo land OP. Listen to all the good advice on here and if he loves you and if he wants to move in with you he will be making a consistent and concerted effort to find employment.....I would actually go as far as saying that if he loves you so much that he would not want to move in with you whilst he is a liability..... Hard to hear, maybe but better now than when it's too late.

Adversecamber · 19/02/2011 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 14:38

What does he do all day?

Does he still live with his parents?

What sort of job does he think he'd like/want?

Does he look for/apply for jobs?

What do his parents think of his situation, and what is the nature of his relationship with them?

darleneconnor · 19/02/2011 14:38

Gosh, I think the posters on here are being very harsh and presumptive.

We are living in the worst period of youth unemployment EVER.

There are 80 graduaqtes chasing every job and lots of employers offering min wage jobs wont give them to graduates becasue they know think they will leave as soon as something better comes along. (and probably have the fear that the graduate will be after the interviwer's job oonce they get their foot in the door.

If he is doing everything reasonable to find work I dont think you should punish him for being unemployed. The state of the economy isn't his fault. He is probably getting depressed and could do with some compassion and support, not to be made to feel that he is some kind of failure.

What was his degree in? Could he do a postgrad course to improve his career prospects?

Unfortunatly, being part of a relationship means taking the rough with the smooth. If he's a bad boyfriend in other ways, then fine dump him or whatever but otherwise try to find a way to ride through this together, it wont last forever.