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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

boyfriend not working

98 replies

metrogirl · 19/02/2011 13:36

We are both 25 with no kids. I have a low paid job but he hasn't worked since leaving uni. He won't even sign on and lives on his parents' handouts. We love each other and are planning to move in together but he won't talk to me about how he will pay his share of the rent after his savings have run out. Has anyone had any experience of this. My boyfriend says he can't get a job because of the unemployment situation but my dps just say he's workshy. Am I living in cloud cookoo land?

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 19/02/2011 14:40

Also, if he's been at uni he wont have made the NI contributions to be able to sign on.

geisha · 19/02/2011 14:46

What is more worrying is that he refuses to talk to you about it. I married my dh who also refused to tell me about his finances. I soon found out afterwards why.... it wasn't pretty. I would not have married him at that time if I kneew what I was marrying into but I would have stayed living with him and supported him to sort himself out.

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 14:51

Oh dear. I love him so much but I know in my heart that I'll end up supporting him financially. He's living at home and stays over with me at my dps' house a few nights a week but I know that they're biting their tongues and starting to feel resentful that they are also supporting him by giving him meals. I don't want to alienate my dps but I can't give up on him.

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HattiFattner · 19/02/2011 14:53

sorry, dont buy the "its so hard to find a job" line.

Supermarkets need shelf stackers, drivers, till assistants, home shoppers. security companies need security guards. there are jobs everywhere, if you look for them. Even if he sets himself up as a professional babysitter/dog walker/home helper/gardener.

Social care assistants are paid a pittance, but there is a massive shortage of them.

The voluntary sector is desperate for helpers, and this at least is something for his CV.

Ditto Schools - he could offer to help kids with reading, or playground support - just for a chance to get a foot in the door.

He could look into doing hard physical graft - I used to work as a carpet cleaner, it was really strenuous work, paid bugger all, but at least I was earning.

even if he opts for 3 or 4 part time jobs, he would be better off than doing nothing.

Dont buy the line that he cannot find work. He doesnt want to. You cannot live on love alone.

AT your age, your money should be going towards clothes and drinks with your mates and fun stuff -lord knows wen babies arrive, your money goes elsewhere! You should not settle for having a grown up dependant, no matter much you love him.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 14:57

Also, think if you are both living at home atm it is the perfect opportunity to be saving hard for a deposit on a house/flat.

Think about what sort of life you want to live, and whether or not it is achievable with this chap.....based on what you know now.

Has he ever worked/earned?

earwicga · 19/02/2011 14:58

Hatti - it does depend on where you live. Jobs as shelf stackers are like gold-dust round here. Schools don't particularly need people who aren't interested in children or volunteering.

geisha · 19/02/2011 15:00

You don't have to give him up, but just don't move in with him! You have already said that you KNOW you will be supporting him financially. Do you want a DP or a DC? Second everything that Hatti says - if he really really really and genuinely can't get any kind of job then he could surely get some voluntary work to tide him over, prove that he is willing and add to his CV. You might also be doing him a favour, it might be the kick up the bum he needs. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:01

He isnt depressed.. he is bone idle and happily sponging off everyone because he has no responsibilities.

Not a quality I would want for my 25yr old boyfriend if I was that age again.

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:01

He's done a few days temping in the last year. I'm going to encourage him to do some voluntary work but I don't want to upset him. I think his parents give him a hard time about not working as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:03

My df calls him a sponger, which is really hurtful. I feel like I'm caught between my dp and my boyfriend

OP posts:
Earlybird · 19/02/2011 15:04

What does he do all day?

TBH, his behaviour sounds reasonable for someone 18, not 25.

alison60 · 19/02/2011 15:04

Blimey, its lucky you lot weren't around to advise me when I met him.

OP asked if anyone had experience of a similar situation. Well, I do. That's why I posted.

I think it's easy on the Internet to get very judgemental about people's weaknesses, when IRL you can see the whole person, weaknesses, strengths, and all.

And 25 is still pretty young.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:04

oh come on love, his parents are enabling him!!!

Its not a case of upsetting him.. he isnt a child!

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:05

His parents give him money for helping around the house.

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squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:07

25 is NOT young.. many people that age are in supervisory or managerial positions, have mortgages or rent, run cars, have children and are behaving like adults.

There IS work if you look for it and are prepared to do anything. Bar work, shop work, agency temping. But you have to be prepared to lower your expectations because it is a hard job market, and people cant sit around waiting for the job that suits them to arrive.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 15:08

Does either father (yours or his) work at a place where your boyfriend could help out temporarily?

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:24

No. My dd wouldn't do it and his dd can't.

The thing is that Im a very hard worker and I've always done paid work or voluntary work so I don't normally approve of people who don't make any effort at all to find work. I can't understand why I'm setting aside my principles for him, but I am, because I'm worried I'll drive him away if I bring the subject up.

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squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:27

You wont drive him very far... lol... he hasnt got anywhere to go, and I doubt he would summons up the energy to do much about it.

You have every right to bring the subject up if the pair of you are planning a future together. If he isnt willing to make any efforts, he really is not the right person for you.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 15:33

Interesting that you are afraid of driving him away - shouldn't he be the worried one?

And of course he doesn't want to talk about it, because anything he says to explain/defend himself sounds pitiful, lazy and weak.

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:36

But I'm in a fairly dead end job and he is very supportive in encouraging me all the time to apply for better jobs. I don't know if i would have stuck at my job without his encouragement.

OP posts:
pinkstinks · 19/02/2011 15:39

o wow I feel your pain!
Been with DP for 5 years now and he was made redundant last year, he has now applied to uni and got in, but i am just finishing my final year of uni. I want to get a flat with him when I move back to hometown (where he is now) but he has not found a job, has no savings etc. I have told him I will not be moving in with him if he uses money ffrom his parents without at least contributing half!

Wordweaver · 19/02/2011 15:40

I agree with squeaky - you have every right to being the subject up.

And if merely doing that is enough to drive him away, I'm afraid it doesn't say very much for the strength of his investment in the relationship.

What was his degree in? If as you say he did it because he loved the subject, it must surely be something that he is still passionate about. Could it lend itself to self-employment?

You talk about 'setting aside your principles' essentially because you are in love with him. But for how long do you think you will be able to set aside those principles without bitterness or resentment creeping in? Do you think you would still be willing to set them aside when you are saving for a wedding? When you get pregnant? When you can't afford a holiday?

Those times can be tough - they challenge and test your relationship.

People on this board are always saying that you should listen when someone tells you who they are. He is telling you who he is right now, and you seem to be choosing to believe that he will turn into someone else when you move in together.

I question whether that is realistic. I also question whether it is fair on him.

Opinions about his attitude aside, he is showing you and telling you who he is. If you decide to go ahead and move in with him, I think you need to be clear in your own mind whether you are expecting him to ever change, and if so, when.

Wordweaver · 19/02/2011 15:41

bring not being

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:43

aww Metrogirl... course he wants you to apply for a better job.. you will have more money then, so even less need for him to contribute...

I am sorry love, to sound so cynical, but I have watched my stepdaughter go through a very similar relationship, and she got pregnant... she is still with the bf, but they no longer live together... he went back to mummy and daddy because it meant he didnt have to do any work and support her and her child... so now the social do it Hmm

Before my sd was with this layabout, she had a decent job, and she met him.. she paid for his car upkeep, petrol, nights out, clothes.... while he blamed the lack of jobs and the current climate... she got pregnant, and he loves his kid.. but he isnt willing to knuckle down and be the one responsible for putting a roof over this childs head, or feeding it.

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:44

He is the most loving, kind boyfriend I've ever had and I know you are all making sense. I'm going to try to talk to him later today. We are flat hunting now so it's a good time to ask him how we are going to share expenses when his saving run out.

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