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Original poster

boyfriend not working

98 replies

metrogirl · 19/02/2011 13:36

We are both 25 with no kids. I have a low paid job but he hasn't worked since leaving uni. He won't even sign on and lives on his parents' handouts. We love each other and are planning to move in together but he won't talk to me about how he will pay his share of the rent after his savings have run out. Has anyone had any experience of this. My boyfriend says he can't get a job because of the unemployment situation but my dps just say he's workshy. Am I living in cloud cookoo land?

OP posts:
Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:47

Squeakytoy you are making feel afraid but maybe i need some straight talking.

OP posts:
Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 15:48

I'm going out now but will let you all know how I get on. All your messages are very helpful even though I don't really like what I'm hearing.

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/02/2011 15:49

Whya re his parents bailing him out ? That won't help him set himself up at all. Hwo do you feel when you go out or get gifts knowing it isn't his money he is spending ? Presumably he has had 4 years or so to find a job, however mundane. Don't move in together - he'll just sponge off you instead. He needs to demonstrate some commitment to contributing financially to your joint future first.

"I'm going to encourage him to do some voluntary work but I don't want to upset him"- why should this upset him ?

"His parents give him money for helping around the house." Then surely he has acquired skills he could use for the beenift of others Hmm

earwicga · 19/02/2011 15:51

You're already looking at flats with him? This thread is a waste of time.

dwpanxt · 19/02/2011 15:53

He can sign for income based JSA.He will get help to target specific employment areas at first which broadens into more general areas as time goes on.

He can even make the claim on the phone 0800 055 66 88 or on the web

He has to attend every two weeks to sign and also possibly random times within those weeks for work-seeking related interviews. He will have to show every action he has taken to look for work when he signs each fortnight. If he doesnt do enough his claim will be sanctioned ( no benefit paid).

I can understand him not wanting to claim in the short term but surely he cant keep this up for much longer.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/02/2011 15:55

Mm, my DS2 (a very gentle, unassuming soul) was unemployed for ages after leaving uni, and he did sign on, though if you haven't paid NI it's a pittance. He's had a couple of temporary jobs since, and always paid me some keep even when he wasn't working. He moved in with a friend for a while and always paid his share of rent. It's not so much an employment thing (times ARE hard) but an attitude thing. As for the idea of paying him to help around the house, it's... not going to happen, let's put it like that. Nobody pays me to help around the house I live in, do they?

No, I'd wait till the guy has grown up a bit before talking about moving in.

gettingeasier · 19/02/2011 15:56

My 11yo DD asks for money for helping around the house and I tell her no way you are part of the household and so help out !!!

TBH if you are questioning this you dont need us to tell you ..

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:58

I am just giving you the worst case scenario.

I would hate for anyone to get tied financially to a loser, and end up in a lot of debt because of false promises.

He could very well get his finger out of his arse and shape up, but until you have a talk with him, AND SEE some action, you wont know. Dont just fall for his assurances and promises. Wait on getting a flat until he is working and can pay his full share on the deposit and the rent, and the bills, and every other part of finance that living together involves.

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2011 16:10

Work-shy, sponging manchild.

Suspect you will learn the hard way.

FakePlasticTrees · 19/02/2011 16:31

What's his degree in?

I'd be pushing the voluntary work, he needs something on his CV. Also additional qualifications. And he needs to sign on. Apart from anything else, a 25 year old shouldn't be getting pocket money from his mum and dad for doing the dishes. Really, that's what 13 year olds do.

He won't grow up until he's forced too - and if you move in with him and keep him, he will never be forced too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2011 16:43

metrogirl

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think at all that living with him will pull his socks up in any way, shape or form.

You can do better than he. Someone like your man who allows his parents to sub him out will only see a potential girlfriend as someone who will carry on where Mummy has left off. And this poor sap will also continue to sub him.

loscann · 19/02/2011 17:42

Do NOT move in with this guy.

You wil be kissing goodbye to thousands of pounds.

He is taking the piss out of his parents, don't think for a moment he won't do likewise to you.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 18:19

Love him all you want, and be with him all you want. But DO NOT move in with him.

One of the conditions of agreeing to live together should be him demonstrating that he can contribute to your joint household expenses.

Tell him you want to be together, but he must find a job and stick at it for at least 6 months before you'll seriously contemplate getting a place with him.

In the short term, he may not be able to find a job in his industry, but a motivated and determined person surely could find something - even if it is only until something better comes along.

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/02/2011 18:44

"I don't want to alienate my dps but I can't give up on him."

He's given up on himself, your parents have given up all hope of him ever snapping to it, his own parents are subbing him, you know you will be paying his bills.

If you want something to cost you money, lie around the house all day just looking cute, FGS get a Cat or something.

This bloke could bankrupt you, and I'll be willing to bet he'll just shrug and look sad when the bailiffs come knocking and your money will have gone up in smoke, your name and reputation and it'll cloud your relationship with your parents.

You are 25, it takes time to learn to look past cute and realise that cute doesn't heat the house, pay the bills and have a great time together.

please don't be a mug.

darleneconnor · 19/02/2011 18:59

How much does he have in savings?

If he has a lot then that would make him ineligible for income based JSA.

I wonder how this thread would be if the gender roles were reversed? Hmm

If you did move in together with you being the working partner and him being at home would he be happy in this domestic role?

eg would he do 90% of chores, shopping, DIY, running errands, household admin/finances, having your dinner on the table for when you get in from work? Grin

If you can get by on one salary then as long as he's pulling his way in non-economic ways then I think it's fine.

Making money is not all men are good for.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2011 19:06

Darlene misses the point which is this. Someone like this womna's bf who won't sign on and lives on parental handouts is NOT a good bet as a life partner. He will not contribute; he has been enabled by his parents for too long.

If you want this to go to its logical conclusion you only have to see my 47 year old unemployed BIL who lives on JSA and parental handouts and is enabled by them to the nth degree. He has no life to speak of either.

madonnawhore · 19/02/2011 19:08

Don't move in with him!!

Of course he's supportive of you getting better and better jobs - he has a vested interest in you succeeding so that he can continue to sponge off you.

You might be all gooey eyed and in love with this 'helpless puppy' right now but I promise you, if you move in with him, after 6 months of coming home from work every evening to find him sitting on his arse and having done fuck all all day, having to do the shopping yourself, cook for him, expend energy trying to motivate him to look for work, etc... pretty soon you will be feeling huge simmering resentment and any love you feel for him now will be eroded by your inability to respect someone like him.

Why are you flat hunting? Who's going to pay the deposit? Will you split the rent? How much does he have in savings? Can't be that much if it's just pocket money from parents and money from tat he's sold on ebay.

He sounds like a loser to be completely honest and it sounds like you feel a bit sorry for him and your relationship isn't one of equals, which doesn't bode well I'm afraid.

Onlyaphase · 19/02/2011 19:19

And I wonder if you will be able to rent a flat together if he isn't earning. Letting agencies/landlords run reference checks before you can rent a flat and check with employers that you actually earn the money to pay the rent. Not sure how this would work if your partner didn't have a job.

As a rough idea, have you worked out the running costs for a flat - rent, council tax, water, gas, electricity, TV licence, insurance, food, entertainment etc - and asked him how his half will be funded? It might be a good starting point for a discussion

As an aside, I bet his parents will be delighted when he moves out. I know a couple of men who were exactly the same in their 20s, and one set of parents actually moved and downsized to help motivate their sponging son to sort his life out. The other set of parents bought their son a flat in an attempt to motivate him too.

waterrat · 19/02/2011 19:58

There is a major set of problems here. Firstly that you can't discuss finances with him - and that's your responsibility as much as his. It's absolutely ridiculous to consider a future with someone - let alone get involved with them financially ie by moving in together if you can't talk about money.

I don't mean this unkindly but it's very immature on your part to say you don't want to talk about it for fear of scaring him away. You are thinking of a future with him and you both need to talk honestly all the time - not just as a big dramatic thing - but day in day out - about cash flow , savings, holidays, joint payments.

It's tedious but me and my boyfriend talk incessantly about money - because living together means joint bills and life is bloody expensive!

I wouldn't move in with a friend who didn't have a job - let alone a partner.

But in the end that's up to you - what is absolutely vitals though is that you talk all this through before moving in together. And you also have to make clear to him that his job hunting is your business - you need to know what jobs he is looking for if you are in a relationship together.

Mumi · 19/02/2011 20:25

Been there, done that too, which is why I'll be blunt.

Don't even move in with him when he has a job as he'll find it easier to leave it if you're responsible for the rent too. He may grow up one day but it should be in his own time, not yours.

You shouldn't worry about upsetting him or giving up on you as he clearly has no qualms about doing it to you.

Of course your DF calls him a sponger. If you had a DD with a boyfriend like this, you'd call him that too.

crystalglasses · 19/02/2011 21:09

My dp have had a go at me about it all this evening Sad.

Original poster
metrogirl · 19/02/2011 21:12

Why?

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 19/02/2011 21:16

My dd1 is in a simlar situation but the difference is that she's a student and so wants to live with him on her student loan and bar work.

FakePlasticTrees · 19/02/2011 21:24

Have been thinking about this thread and it struck me, you're living with your parents as well, right? Is your decision to move in with him more about wanting to move on from being at home with your parents into a more grown up lifestyle than the one you had as a teenager?

Realistically you can't move into a flat with him unless you can cover the rent solely off your wage as he doens't have a regular income, and after 4 years of not getting round to finding a job, that's not something you can assume will suddenly happen. That being the case, why don't you either find a place on your own or a flat share. After 6 months review if in the meantime he's found a job.

He seems happy with the teenage lifestyle, that's not going to change quickly - so don't keep your life on hold waiting for him to grow up, get on with your life, stop being so available to him and let him see if he wants a grown up relationship with you, he has to be a grown up.

caramelwaffle · 19/02/2011 22:41

"When poverty walks in the door - love jumps out the window"

So says caramelfucius.

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