boyfriend not working

[metrogirl]

We are both 25 with no kids. I have a low paid job but he hasn't worked since leaving uni. He won't even sign on and lives on his parents' handouts. We love each other and are planning to move in together but he won't talk to me about how he will pay his share of the rent after his savings have run out. Has anyone had any experience of this. My boyfriend says he can't get a job because of the unemployment situation but my dps just say he's workshy. Am I living in cloud cookoo land?

He needs to sign on at the very least - as part of this they will require him to apply for jobs and bring proof of his job search every time, they will check on him and can help him out with CV/interviews/further training so its really worth it.

They will also contribute to rent in a shared house, so he will be able to contribute to your shared flat as he should.

I would definitely not move in with him, and stop looking at places until he has signed on.

''I would definitely not move in with him, and stop looking at places until he has signed on.''

Strongly disagree with this strategy. Signing on should not be the criteria for agreeing to move in together. Terrible suggestion, imo.

OP you said yesterday you were reading this and listening even though you didnt like what you were hearing. I hope that is still the case.

At 25yo your bf is not going to become a different kind of person ie go getting or industrious and his parents are doing him such a disservice by aiding the lazy trait in him.

Its true that no matter what a lovely guy he is going out with someone when you both live at home is completely different to being out in the real world and in time you will resent being the one who takes financial responsibilty. Once you have signed on a dotted line with rent agreements etc it will not be easy to go back on and its scary how fast debt can accumulate - basic life is expensive.

In short however hard it sounds lovely though this guy may be taking your relationship to the next level would be a mistake imo

"There are 80 graduaqtes chasing every job"

From what I hear from graduate friends, the number is closer to 200.

But in this case it hardly matters what the ratio of applicants to jobs are since he isn't actually job seeking ! What is his degree in , did he apply himself to it or was it just a few years of doing very little ?

You are making a big mistake moving in with him. But I dont think you want to listen.

But fair dos, you will soon see why. I do wish you the strength and courage to kick him out when that time comes, and that you have not gone too far in to debt by the time that happens. Good Luck.

You know what, I hate the quotes about the number of graduates chasing 'graduate jobs' - I'm a PA, I have a degree, my first PA role wasn't a 'graduate recruitment' job, in fact, most of my friends didn't get jobs with formal graduate recruitment schemes, most got a job which their degree was considered a bonus, then worked their way up/moved around. Now, you will get a lot of PAs who don't have degrees, but over a certain level you won't get the job without a degree.

OP - get on with your life without him, stop waiting for him to grow up.

There are jobs out there. There may not be so many, and they may not pay as much as he'd like, and they may not have the status he thinks he's entitled to. But if he wants to work and hold his head up because he is contributing to your household, he can.
There are always adverts for cleaners and carers. My local paper has had an advert in it for weeks for a carer for a local man in a wheelchair - £10 per hour for being his companion, taking him out and helping him with some of his personal care. I also see adverts for bar work, and early morning unskilled bakers. Adverts for delivery drivers seem to feature quite regularly as well.
Has he no self respect? Well, no, he obviously hasn't or he wouldn't even be considering moving in together and sponging off you.
At 25 if he doesn't get of his arse and get into a work habit it will get more and more difficult for him to do it. He will be a millstone round your neck, and after a few years, or even sooner, you will start to resent that.

If he loved you, and wanted to build a future with you, he would make sure he was equipped to do this.

As it is, he has been happy to do nothing for years, not taken any kind of responsibility for himself, coasted on his parents, and now he wants to sponge of you.

They do say love is blind, and in your case, I think it is particularly true. Who in their right minds would be off flat hunting with a 25 year old grown up man, who has never worked in his life, is going straight from his mums care to another woman who will care for him, lives on money donated to him by relatives. It is insane. They must be so happy you came along to take him off their hands. The moment he moves in with you, YOU will be responsible for him, and they are well rid an adult draining their resources.

Not because you really WILL BE responsible for him, it is just that your sense of duty and care, will force you to take responsibility. Because if you dont, YOU will get into arrears on your council tax, your utility bills, your rent, and you may find yourself homeless, and with a bad credit rating before you know it.

But, you are also a grown up. At 25 you are not young. You are an adult, and you are also living at home, so you have also no clue about adult responsibilities. Because if you had, you would have ran a mile from this man already.

I actually feel really sorry for you. So loved up, immature and naive.

If you cant even have a grown up conversation with him about money, and how he is to PAY for living away from his parents, how can he be ready for this?

In fact, if you cant talk to him about it, I would go to his parents and ask for an allowance for him. Tell them, "look, I am taking your son of your hands. He is not able to work, feed and clothe himself, let alone house himself. I cannot afford this on my low salary on my own, and I cannot be responsible for him. I need a minimum guarantee from you, his mum and dad, that at least RENT will be paid for him every month".

In fact, in this case, I think it is the most sensible thing to do. It will cause a stir, but it will highlight some very important issues.

i find it quite interesting that you see it as lovely and supportive, when he is encouraging you to apply for better jobs. But you think it would upset him if you encourage him to apply for any jobs? Why?

Of course he's encouraging her to apply for better jobs...

how depressing.

this really isn't going to go anywhere and i think you should lay it on the line. either he sorts himself out and grows up or you're over. you can't build a life with this man.

How can you look at possible rentals without any concept of budget btw ? If you must go ahead, don't let him talk you into anythign you would n't be able to afford on your own. When his savings run out you could get left high and dry.

I'd suggest you first sit down with him and his parents to look at a realistic household budget, with their input into how much he costs them in food and bills for example, allow some for going out/entertaining/Sky etc then the bills you would incur (such as utlilities, Council Tax, your travel to work and so on) so he can see in black and white what is left from your current income for rent and that it cannot really work without him getting a job.

If a rental is to be through an agency, they will want to reference and credit score the tenants.

They will say that you ought to be earning a certain number of times a year, what the rental of the property is (forget what it is now)

They will also want to know who is in the property, and carry out the same checks for them.

BECAUSE, say for example OP and BF move in, blazing row, OP leaves, leaving BF. He then is in a property and his name is not on the contract, that would cause nightmares for the landlord/agent etc.

If he has been to Uni, and not worked since, how has he still got savings? Why is he not claiming?

OP - did you have the chat with your boyfriend last night? How did it go?

I know almost all of us are telling you something you don't want to hear, but the fact that almost all of us agree should send a strong message - even if it is a message yo wish was different.

Metrogirl- your boyfriend would like to be a househusband. As you have no children yet, that would entail him taking charge of household affairs - shopping, cleaning, finances, garden, cooking- while you go out to work. Which is up to you two, if that's how you want to split things.

How many of those responsibilities has he taken on in his parents' house whilst they support him financially, out of interest ?

To add to Inertias point.
Most families today cannot afford to have one person at home, and without kids there really is no need for it.

Earlybird - signing on means signing a contract where you search for jobs and apply to a number of jobs per week, as a condition for JSA.

Therefore this absolutely should be a condition for moving in together, and provides a regular, reliable contribution to the household.
The number of people applying for unskilled positions is even more than those applying for graduate jobs by the way. Yes we are heading back into recession, with rising unemployment and the highest level of unemployment of young people for the last 20 years. This is how things are in the real world.

What is the advantage (apart from regular sex with no parents around) for you in moving in with this bloke?
I can't see one.
At 25 he should have had some sort of job by now. Being nice in encouraging you to apply for jobs whilst he idles about doesn't sound promising.

I'd just like to say I know some people like this, and they're not bad people, they just need a kick up the bum.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt they would only make an effort if I kept kicking them though. I hate nagging and suspect women who nag alot get into that pattern early and should have chosen to marry blokes with more motivation if they hate nagging.

metrogirl - what is the latest?

It must be terribly difficult to hear such universally strong advice about the situation, when the advice is to walk away.

Are there any new developments?

What I meant to say is not that the OP should nag, but the parents should increase his rent. It's just I know a few people who seemed to mosey along in their mid-twenties, and by the time they were thirty, they were all hard-working, fully employed decent people.

I spotted a real problem with friends finishing university at 21/22/23, and spending a few years sitting on the couch, and they've turned out ok.

Admittedly, the couple shouldn't be moving in together at this stage though at all