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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP had sex with me when I was asleep, am struggling

95 replies

Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:08

Dp spent a night last week trying to have sex with me while I was asleep. He wanted it before bed, and then said that I was too tired to make it fun so gave up. He then spent every hour throughout the night trying to have sex with me. I kept waking up and asking him not to, but he didn't stop, but I don't think he finished. I tried to talk about it to him the next day but he simply said he was waiting for me to wake up and enjoy it!

Since then he has been trying each night before I fall asleep, and then complaining that I am not awake enough. This isn't the first time we have had problems around me being too tired, and I don't want to have sex with him now, I feel invaded and awful. I feel like he's just going to take it anyway, and that the only thing that comes of not doing it straight away is him complaining about the quality. He is generally a good man in all other respects, I can't leave financially or emotionally, and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
stiflersmom · 18/02/2011 10:14

He is NOT a good man, he is raping you!

I don't know what to advise - I wouldn't be with him and I certainly wouldn't let him touch me again. I might even call the police, though I don't know how much use they would be.

I'm sure others will have better advice. But I think you need to face the fact that by "taking it anyway" he is raping you. Sad

Scorps · 18/02/2011 10:18

Just to get this clear, you asked him to stop whilst he was inside of you and he carried on anyway? This is entirely unacceptable, even if you are too tired before bed, it's not an excuse. Could you ring Women's Aid? They are very good and it won't show on your bill.

perfectstorm · 18/02/2011 10:19

Well, I would start by explaining to him that when you are asleep, you can't consent to sex, and that he is therefore committing rape - legally, as well as morally. He could and would go to prison for if you reported this to the police, and he didn't lie about what he'd done. You've not been able to rape your wife for almost 20 years now, so he has no defence at all.

If that information does not give him the clue that what he is doing is terrible, wrong and appalling, then he is not a good man at all. I would definitely rather leave someone who regularly raped me, whatever the concerns of being single financially or emotionally. Sex is not something you take from another person. It's supposed to be a loving form of communication, within a marriage, and a mutually agreed and enjoyable form of recreation even on a casual basis.

Does he really treat you well? Other than forcing you to have sex by initiating it when you're unconscious? Because that speaks of such a total, fundamental lack of respect that I can't imagine how he can treat you as a beloved equal elsewhere.

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 10:20

Call Women's Aid 08082000247.
They will listen, support you and offer advice. There is no way you should have to live with a persistent rapist, which is what this man is. He's not a 'good man' at all. His thinking is fundamentally wrong in that he feels that as you are only a 'woman' he is entitled to have sex on you just because he wants to.
If this had been a one-off incident it might have been possible to get it through to him that being constantly pestered and pressured for sex is a massive turn off for a woman and that maybe if he did his share of domestic work and childcare you would be less tired. (I know he doesn;t do his fair share round the house, because men who think they are entitled to fuck away on their partner's bodies whenever they feel the urge, also think that domestic shitwork is women's work and therefore do none of it).
But this nightly attempted rape means things have gone too far. So sorry you are having to deal with this.
he is a shit.

Prolesworth · 18/02/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stiflersmom · 18/02/2011 10:21

the more I think about this the more angry I am for you

Put it this way - would you WANT to have sex with somebody who wasn't willing? Isn't sex a shared, loving experience between two people for mutual enjoyment?

What does it say about his attitude to you that he is happy to use your body as a wank aid?

AngrySad

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 18/02/2011 10:24

I have to agree with the others. Ring Women's Aid for some confidential advice.

Are you OK?

Original poster
Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:26

It's stirred up a whole whirlwind of emotions in my head, and I don't know what to think about him. He takes dd to school, lets me go to exercise class, but can be very controlling, i.e. will refuse to tell me when he is coming home from work (can be any time between 5pm and 11pm) so I don't know when to cook, can't invite people over without it being a little awkward etc, and can't tell people if I can come and see them unless I take dd too, which is fine but she needs to be in bed by 7, and they don't get home until after that. He is just a usual, irritating man!

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 18/02/2011 10:29

I fail to see how he is a good man in other respects. As the other said this is RAPE. If you say no it means no! Nevermind the financial reasons for staying what about the emotional way he has made you feel by 'just taking it'. Just think how he has made you feel already, is that the sign of a loving man. I really hope you see sense and leave, it could become more violent.

1234ThumbWar · 18/02/2011 10:29

This isn't a partner attempting to persuade you, which we have probably experienced this is way beyond that. No good man would want to force you and wouldn't be able to get turned on if he did.

Please ring womens aid.

mousymouse · 18/02/2011 10:30

"He is just a usual, irritating man!"

No, he isn't. He is a twat!

flowery · 18/02/2011 10:30

He 'lets' you go to exercise class? He rapes you while you are asleep?

He doesn't sound like a 'usual, irritating man' to me. I don't know any men like that.

Original poster
Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:31

I am going to have a talk with him tonight, and will ring Women's Aid for advice. I am very glad it doesn't show on the bill!! They won't think I am being ridiculous will they? I know it is serious but at the same time I feel silly if that makes sense? I should be able to control my personal life! Dd is away for the weekend, so if it gets terribly awkward it can all be cleared away before she gets back. I feel like this huge hornet's nest is stirring and it's making me so nervous.

OP posts:
PorkChopSter · 18/02/2011 10:31

No, that's not normal, not is it simply irritating

He "lets" you go to exercise class? Do you usually have to ask permission to leave the house? But he doesn't have to have you consent to have sex with you. No, not normal and beyond irritating.

xkittyx · 18/02/2011 10:32

How you have described him - the control - is not a usual man at all. It's very disturbing actually.
And that's leaving aside the fact that he has started raping you.

stiflersmom · 18/02/2011 10:33

of course you feel nervous Sad anyone would

but NO, they will not think you are being silly. And it is not a failure on your part, you haven't failed to control your personal life. You are being abused by a controlling man who thinks your body is there for his convenience. He is using you as a toilet.

Please do call them. And take their advice and support.

atswimtwolengths · 18/02/2011 10:33

He doesn't sound anything LIKE a "usual, irritating man"!

Normal men don't rape their wives.

Normal men don't "allow" their wives to go to exercise classes - the wife goes anyway.

Normal men tell their wives when they're coming home, so that their wives know how to spend their own evenings.

Stac2011 · 18/02/2011 10:34

that isn't the behaviour of an irratating man op, he is controling you, my dp doesnt do any of that to me. That is a total lack of respect

Original poster
Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:35

Ok, am going to go and put a jumper on and ring Women's Aid. I need to totally get my head straight before I pick dd up. She is so contented (her Dad never lived with us, and dp came into our lives 4 years ago), I don't want to screw up her life again, I feel like I am betraying her security Sad

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 18/02/2011 10:35

Please ring them now, before you have any kind of conversation with him. I'm not sure that engaging him in conversation is necessarily the right thing to do.

None of the other things you mention seem normal to me, and are certainly more than irritating. Irritating is leaving the loo seat up, or finishing the cornflakes and putting the empty box back.

Ring them, and let us know how you get on. We'll stay here for you. :)

mousymouse · 18/02/2011 10:36

sorry, replace "twat" with "bullying abuser"

nickytwotimes · 18/02/2011 10:36

not 'usual' at all.

bloody awful.

please seek advice from WA.

most 'usual' men are not like this. most people want a wide awake, excited, enthusiastic, consenting, happy partner sexually and generally.

Scorps · 18/02/2011 10:36

They are very very kind, I have rung them before, they are very good.

stiflersmom · 18/02/2011 10:36

and another thing - this feeling "silly" is a result of the way he treats you. He has conditioned you to believe that you are not worthy of full human adult status - that doing something to you is not as "serious" as doing something to him, for example. How would you feel if somebody you care about was being treated like this? Your daughter?

Men like this are VERY good at eroding women's self-esteem and making them feel worthless. It is not a reflection on you. You just need support and help to get yourself out of this.

ShirleyKnot · 18/02/2011 10:37

You won't screw up your daughters life by leaving a persistent rapist.