Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP had sex with me when I was asleep, am struggling

95 replies

Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:08

Dp spent a night last week trying to have sex with me while I was asleep. He wanted it before bed, and then said that I was too tired to make it fun so gave up. He then spent every hour throughout the night trying to have sex with me. I kept waking up and asking him not to, but he didn't stop, but I don't think he finished. I tried to talk about it to him the next day but he simply said he was waiting for me to wake up and enjoy it!

Since then he has been trying each night before I fall asleep, and then complaining that I am not awake enough. This isn't the first time we have had problems around me being too tired, and I don't want to have sex with him now, I feel invaded and awful. I feel like he's just going to take it anyway, and that the only thing that comes of not doing it straight away is him complaining about the quality. He is generally a good man in all other respects, I can't leave financially or emotionally, and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 18/02/2011 10:37

Let me tell you about my husband.

Sometimes, he doesn't load the dishwasher when it needs doing. Sometimes, he can be a bit irritable when he's not had enough sleep and grumbles a bit. Sometimes, he doesn't look after ds as well as I'd like - he dozes off while ds watches a DVD, for example.

Other than that? Well, he accepts our child is just that: our child, and is brilliant with him and shares responsibility for him. He cooks and cleans a fair amount, given his working hours. He appreciates what I do and is loving and affectionate and understanding that I'm often tired. He settles ds at night more than me, because he's firmer than me. And we had sex maybe 5 times, the first year of ds' life, because I was knackered and stressed and not really interested. So DH wanked a lot more, because funnily enough he didn't want sex with someone who didn't want it, too. Which is probably why we now have a very good sex life again - because nothing is more of a turnoff, as you say, than knowing your pleasure, let alone consent, is an irrelevance.

That is a normal, irritating man. What you are describing is a controlling, abusing, terrifying bully. Women's Aid can help you - and can stop your daughter growing up thinking repeated rape is what a "normal, irritating man" does, too.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 18/02/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Voddy · 18/02/2011 10:38

Oh god, this is an awful thing to read. I am so sorry that you are living like this. You must get yourself and daughter away from him. Please be careful, he sounds horrific actually.

barbieisaskinnybitch · 18/02/2011 10:38

You need to find the strength to deal with this for dds sake

ChocolateMoose · 18/02/2011 10:38

Well done for ringing WA. Yes, it's rape, and the way you say 'he lets me go to exercise class' like that's some kind of special favour, and he won't tell you when he's coming home from work... sounds like he is messing with your mind and making you think his controlling behaviour is normal. It's not.

DrNortherner · 18/02/2011 10:38

Staying with a guy who thinks it's oK to rape you could screw her life up even more.....

Think about it.

Alarm bells are ringing for me here.

KristinaM · 18/02/2011 10:39

I agree, not remotely normal
Please call women aid and get some unbiased advice

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 10:39

THIS IS NOT A NORMAL MAN! Fucking hell what kind of horrorshow has the rest of your life been, to make you think that a bullying rapist who lies to you and keeps you on the hop all the time is 'normal'?
This disgusting individual is a danger to you and quite possible a danger to your DD or will be in future if you don't get rid of him. Men with this much of a sense of entitlement WRT women often damage their DDS horribly.

northangerabbey · 18/02/2011 10:40

He sounds awful. How can he possibly think that this behaviour is OK?

Do you have any sort of life outside the house, work, hobbies,friends, etc or does he try to keep you just for himself?

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 10:43

Don't 'talk' to him. You will be endagering yourself and possible DD if you do. Scumbags like him often become very dangerous when they percieve that you have seen through them. He might attack you.
WA will support you through the process of getting rid of him; it might be a matter of pretending to be compliant and content for a few days while you make your plans to leave.

iscream · 18/02/2011 10:43

" He is just a usual, irritating man!"
No he certainly is not. You do not need his permission to go to exercise class, what do you mean, he "let" you go? He is not your father or your owner.

Regarding him not telling you when he'll be home, I would live life as if I were single, not date anyone, but if he is not around, and you want guests, you'd invite them. His presence is not required you know, and if he misses out, his loss, but you will have companionship.

Cook dinner at a the same time every night, say 6 pm, for example. If he is there great, if not, hope he can use a microwave. is not fair to your daughter to not have dinner at a regular time.

Plus, he is sexually assaulting and maybe raping you.

If I were you, I'd arrange counseling for you both, if he won't go, go alone. Then you will be better equipped and more confident in decing how to handle this.

ConstanceFelicity · 18/02/2011 10:45

Leave. Leave. Leave.

He raped you. There is nothing usual about that.

The not telling you when he's home thing is enough to tell you what he thinks of you... D'you think he'd make you this insecure if he was thinking about your feelings?

It would do far more damage to your dd by staying in this relationship than you will getting out.

I'm sorry :(

Original poster
Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:48

Thank you all so much for your replies. Perfectstorm, that is the life I want. It is ridiculous, our lives look amazing to those outside it. Dd is happy, although has been less so recently as I have been too distracted to connect with her properly. We seem to be a fabulous, up and coming family with all we could want (bar money, that is tight, but not excessively so). It makes me worry about other mum's in the playground, as some must be going through the same thing.

I do have friends outside the house, but they are joint friends, i.e. friends of us as a couple, so we see them together unless he doesn't come home from work.

Thank you all again, I am so glad I posted about this, you have given me some strength to at least take the first step, and hopefully more.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 18/02/2011 10:49

Do NOT suggest counselling with him - please. He is a wife-rapist and a controller and they tend not to be the best candidates for Relate. SolidGold is right - challenging him may lead to other, additional forms of violence than rape.

Women's Aid, Women's Aid, Women's Aid.

I hate to raise this, but a man whose sexual boundaries are so nonexistent that he regularly rapes his wife is far less likely to regard a stepdaughter as off-limits when she's a bit older. Abusive control freaks are far more likely to be child abusers, too. Ask Women's Aid - they will confirm the link.

Get out. Please.

grumpykat25 · 18/02/2011 10:49

Hope you're ok, op. IT's hard when somebody has eroded your sense of self so much that you can't see the wood for the trees, but if you can get yourself and your dd away from this toxic man you will look back and feel proud of your strength.

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation Sad

stiflersmom · 18/02/2011 10:49

keep us posted sweetheart, we're all here to support you xx

grumpykat25 · 18/02/2011 10:50

Agree with perfectstorm.
Please leave him.

fenner · 18/02/2011 10:51

I agree with the others, and would add that you're not doing DD any favours by staying with a man who is capable of this behaviour. If your safety is at risk, so might be hers.

perfectstorm · 18/02/2011 10:51

Forsakegoodness there ARE lovely men out there. I had an ex who wasn't anything like as bad as yours, but was pretty shitty. It was hell, and so was life with him. But it is OVER and my life now is good, and I'm married to my best friend. He really is. He treats me as his best friend because that's what I am. You CAN have that - but not while you're married to this man.

GypsyMoth · 18/02/2011 11:04

Don't try and normalise this op by telling yourself other women in the schoo playground must be going through it too!!'n

I phoned alot of agencies yesterday, and Womens aid was certainly the most helpful and most caring.... I rang for someone else, but got a great deal of useful advice and info.

AbsDuCroissant · 18/02/2011 11:12

This isn't normal, and legally speaking is rape.

PaperView · 18/02/2011 11:16

Give Womens Aid a ring for advice.

They can probably advise if you want to move on from this as a couple as well as if you want to leave.

Rhadegunde · 18/02/2011 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

popcrackle · 18/02/2011 11:24

Please get support to get yourself and your DD out of this situation.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 18/02/2011 11:26

Forsakesgoodness The best thing you can do for your dd and yourself is to leave this bullying, abusive rapist.

I agree with pp's, call Women's Aid.