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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP had sex with me when I was asleep, am struggling

95 replies

Forsakesgoodness · 18/02/2011 10:08

Dp spent a night last week trying to have sex with me while I was asleep. He wanted it before bed, and then said that I was too tired to make it fun so gave up. He then spent every hour throughout the night trying to have sex with me. I kept waking up and asking him not to, but he didn't stop, but I don't think he finished. I tried to talk about it to him the next day but he simply said he was waiting for me to wake up and enjoy it!

Since then he has been trying each night before I fall asleep, and then complaining that I am not awake enough. This isn't the first time we have had problems around me being too tired, and I don't want to have sex with him now, I feel invaded and awful. I feel like he's just going to take it anyway, and that the only thing that comes of not doing it straight away is him complaining about the quality. He is generally a good man in all other respects, I can't leave financially or emotionally, and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
dignified · 18/02/2011 11:29

Ive experienced the same , and sadly it became almost normal. If i objected he would do it anyway or would shout and bang doors to wake up the dcs. Along with that was the usual verbal / emotional and financial abuse that i imagine your also suffering.

Along with womens aid theres several books that might help you ,( living with the dominater , why does he do that) I really do recommend them , you will think these books have been written about your husband , all abusers follow the same script and employ the same tactics.

Lastly , do not think this is about sex , or lack of sex , it really isnt. If you had sex with him 3 times a day hed probably still do it. This sort of sexual abuse is about belittling you and dominating you. Theres a chapter about it in living with the dominater.

SagaciousCloud · 18/02/2011 11:32

Personally, if my H tried to do this to me I'd be calling it attempted rape. So I'd be a) talking to the Police and b) locking him out of the house right now.

OneMoreChap · 18/02/2011 11:36

I'm a bloke.

Sometimes I think there can be a bit of a chorus of "leave him, he's a bastard" etc. on her.

Couple of things

He is just a usual, irritating man

Check, I'm one of them.

will refuse to tell me when he is coming home from work

Nope, wouldn't do that, that's a lack of respect.

lets me go to exercise class,

and you need his permission why?

Dp spent a night last week trying to have sex with me while I was asleep. ... I kept waking up and asking him not to, but he didn't stop,

I have concerns about asking permission and so on; this is clear refusal of consent.

It's rape.

DW and I have had sleepy sex both ways; consent was very clear. This isn't it.

Take the good advice you are being offered.

You told him no; he carried on. That's crystal clear rape.

Personally, I don't see it is necessarily directly a threat to your daughter; but why on earth would you want your daughter to live n the same house as someone who treats any woman like that?

Ephiny · 18/02/2011 11:41

That's really awful, it is absolutely not normal behaviour and he is not a 'good man'. He is abusing you. He doesn't get a medal for sometimes taking your child to school, or 'letting' you leave the house to get some exercise.

Please try to get whatever help you need. As a very first step I would not be sharing a bed with him again, ever. Have your phone next to you when you sleep, and inform him that if he tries to rape you again you will be calling the police. He'll probably tell you you're being silly/ridiculous/hysterical/crazy. You're not.

I would also be concerned about your DDs safety especially as she gets older. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but sadly these things do happen.

goingwiththeflow · 18/02/2011 11:46

I agree with OneMoreChap .. nothing more to say except I hope you are okay and sometimes when you are in the middle of asituation it seems 'normal' because it becomes your normality if you get me?..

VinegarTits · 18/02/2011 11:52

this is not normal, he is a cunt of the highest order, please leave him

doggiesayswoof · 18/02/2011 11:53

Ephiny's post is good, except for the bit about telling him you will phone the police if he tries to rape you again.

Calling him out on it could be dangerous. Stuffing's advice about staying quiet and acting normal while planning to leave is spot on.

Will you let us know how the call to Women's Aid goes, OP?

medicalmayhem · 18/02/2011 12:06

haven't read all the advice given so maybe repeating things here, but my ex used to do this to me every now and then and i like you didn't know what to do or who to turn to, it seemed my ex had a sense of entitlement almost, after all i was his wife i was in the marital bed so why not, it represented his whole attitude towards our marriage, and to me, this is not normal as i have found out now that we are separated and i have talked to other people, but at the time he used to try to make me feel silly about it, as if i was being a drama queen, sorry in a rush work soon, just wanted to say really that your not alone and on here you will receive some good advice, take care x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/02/2011 12:19

Phone Women's Aid before anyone. Then get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Your partner is a rapist.

I also completely agree with PerfectStorm that when she gets older, your DD will be at risk, especially since she is not his biological daughter.

Relate are not just for couples in crisis however. They would actually refuse to see you as a couple because of the abuse, but they will see you on your own and validate your feelings of invasion and lack of safety. However, they will be particularly helpful after you have left.

Counsellors from WA or Rape Crisis would be more relevant right now, but the benefit of WA is that they offer practical help to women who feel that they "cannot" leave, because of finances. They will show you that you can and that you must leave.

Ripeberry · 18/02/2011 12:26

I'd be worried for your DD as well Sad.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 18/02/2011 12:36

I can't really add anything to what has already been said, except to say that as a Women's Aid worker I can tell you categorically that no-one who works there will think you are being ridiculous, or that your situation is trivial.

What you are experiencing is domestic abuse. Your husband is raping you. He is also emotionally abusing you and controlling you. These things are extremely serious and I promise you will be taken seriously.

I hope that reassures you a bit.

Can I also reassure you that anything you tell Women's Aid will be in absolute confidence, and that the service we provide is completely non-judgemental. No-one will tell you what to do. We will simply provide the support that you need and that you ask for.

What is happening to you IS NOT your fault. It is your basic right to be safe in your own home.

I really do wish you all the very very best.

Ormirian · 18/02/2011 12:41

Vile! How any grown adult who supposedly loves you could do this and still keep your respect I don't know Angry

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 18/02/2011 14:23

How are you feeling now? Did you ring them?

Thinking of you. :)

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2011 16:33

Apart from any of the other issues, which I think the posters here have covered pretty comprehensively, consistently depriving someone of sleep is a well-known form of torture: look here. If he woke you up every hour just to ask if you felt ok, that would still be unacceptable. It leaves you staggering around all woolly in the head because you don't get a decent night's uninterrupted sleep. We forgive babies for keeping us awake because they don't have a choice, but an adult is being totally thoughtless at best and abusive at worst. It's difficult to dismiss the suspicion that he prefers you bewildered and knackered for some foul purpose.

Anushka11 · 18/02/2011 16:42

Hi- that happened to me, as well, along with numerous other things, I also did not call it rape at the time (other stuff was worse, so minimized this). Got together with new DP almost 2 yrs after breakup. It took me MONTH to be able to sleep in the same bed as DP (would lie awake all night) and when I started sleeping I woke with panic attacks. And I KNOW DP would never do this.
Don't let him do that again. Ever. It's about control, and the effect is insiduous.

Niceguy2 · 18/02/2011 17:11

Another bloke here and i agree with onemorechap. Sometimes there is a quick chorus advising a woman to leave a bloke for some insensitive thing.

This is not one of those occasions. This is a clear case of controlling behaviour and rape.

It's sometimes hard to see the situation clearly when you are inside it but once you step back, it becomes crystal clear.

Good luck

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/02/2011 18:33

This guy horrifies me, and my 'h' is hideous, abusive and utterly bonkers tbh. I am well shot of him, but he pales into insignificance compared to the bloke you are suffering with.

Please get help? please call WA.

Ephiny · 18/02/2011 18:37

Sorry, I thought calling him out on the fact that it is rape and a potential police matter might shock him into leaving you alone for the short-term at least...but I can see that depending on what he's like it could go badly wrong.

I hope you were able to talk to WA, they will have the knowledge and experience to advise the best and safest course of action for you.

DanSnowBoss · 18/02/2011 18:41

OneMoreChap makes the whole point very clear to me. He is speaking from a mans perspective after all.

Dh & I also have sleepy sex - completely consensual. If I say no, he stops and vice versa.

Sorry you are in this situation :(

MrsDollFace · 18/02/2011 18:43

Ah feck, forgot name change. I amn DanSnowBoss

notpythagoras · 18/02/2011 18:54

I am not for a moment disagreeing with anyone on this thread (sorry, I have namechanged a lot because I am always the odd one out and get flamed on a regular basis) but want to ask something. Is it really that unusual for a DH to not stay in proper touch with his wife and tell her what time he will be home? My DH is ALWAYS like that..in fact he often phones telling me he is about to come home and then doesn't show up for another 3 hours as he just got an important call, or whatever. I don't think it is malicious, just thoughtless as it does make planning an evening or cooking horrendously difficult, and it also reflects a very tough job. I don't mean to hijack, but wanted to clarify that bit.

I hope it all works out for you.

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 19:04

Notpythagoras: Some people are either vague or work in the sort of jobs where you can get lumbered with extra tasks at short notice. Fair enough to clarify, but presumably your H doesn't use his complex time schedule and important job to justify raping you in your sleep.

kerala · 18/02/2011 19:13

How difficult is it to sodding text though? DH has a very stressful demanding unpredictable client based job. If something happens it takes him 10 seconds to text "delayed back 10ish" or somesuch.

imogengladheart · 18/02/2011 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 18/02/2011 19:25

I hope all the direct advice here hasnt scared you off op,it always feels terrible the first time you tell people ehat is happening to you.Can you tell a real life friend or relative or even gp?That makes you less vulnerable and more powerfull.Think about what is happening to you and re read your post and imagine your sister or daughter telling you the same thing.What would you tell them.The problem is that the more you are abused (and you are being abused)the less you think of yourself and the less you expect for yourself. Please at least phone womens aid even anonomously or speak to a friend.Good luck.