For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

It's also interesting that there is much negativity aimed at the person who has lots of casual relationships and no interest in a committed one, if that person is over 30 (not just Cabbagerose and not just this thread, there have been threads in the past about people who are 'players' and how they 'should grow out of it.')
If a person refuses commitment and likes a lot of different sexual partners but treats all sexual partners with kindness and courtesy WTF is wrong with that? If you know that you enjoy commitment-free sex and want to live free of the obligations of a long-term relationship, it's surely better to be honest about that than 'settle' with a partner who will put up with you straying, or indeed grab and commit to the nearest available partner and then have a succession of affairs.

Quite, SGB

Haven't read whole thread but people who say they don't feel jealous just say it to make themselves feel better. On the whole, they know their partners are never going to be faithful anyway so better to dress betrayal up as 'open relationship'.

Respect and loyalty are qualities to be admired IMO.

"people who say they don't feel jealous just say it to make themselves feel better. On the whole, they know their partners are never going to be faithful anyway so better to dress betrayal up as 'open relationship'."

Oh, wow. SGB, do you want to take this one?

Also, are respect and loyalty are solely qualities experienced by people in monogamous relationships now? I show respect and loyalty to my boss (not always deserved), to my children, to my friends...

I'm getting a bit tired really of all the posts lately that imply those people who have what may loosely be called "alternative" relationships, are somehow more intelligent, thoughtful,more "evolved" and on a higher plain that the mere mortals who aspire to a 1;1 long term commitment.

The point about being able to have other kinds of relationships and "treat all sexual partners with kindness and courtesy" sounds fine- but it doesn't address what I imagine is a real issue at times- that some of those partners will end up wanting more- or less- than you do- and they will end up hurt. Just the same as if you were in a 1:1 relationship.

I have heard this from men in particular- ( not aimed at me). they tell a woman they want it to be casual, and the woman agrees, but deep down that is not what she wants and it all ends in tears eventually.

I am sure SGB with all your experience, you must have met men who agreed they wanted it casual, but at some point they wanted more- and were disappointed- or jealous that you indeed did have more than them as a sexual partner.

It's easy to be kind etc if everyone is totally honest and upfront and manages never to get emotionally involved- but I wonder how often that really happens?

I have to say- and I am pretty long in the tooth and have lived a bit- that I don't know anyone except SGB who has this lifstyle long term. Not saying it is wrong just never seen it work.

Cabbageroses - yes, sometimes someone wants more than is on offer. That's tough, basically, and they just have to suck it up. But this isn't an open-relationship-specific problem - people who are only interested in monogamy can find themselves in situations where they are 'in love' with someone who doesn;t want to know, or indeed have someone fall in love with them who they do not wish to have a relationship with. As I posted before, no one is entitled to a specific kind of relationship with a specific individual against that individual's wishes.
Mistyop: Don't enter into a battle of wits when you;re completely unarmed, it does you no favours.

Don't talk shit springchicken!! Battle of wits...

Do you realise how patronising you sound?

Maybe, but she has a point. Why don't you read the whole thread and find out what it is?

Find what out? Just read it all. Predictable..I am now fully armed!

Still don't agree with it.

Before I go can I say that most of the tragic females who allow themselves to be used in the name of 'free love' are usually mingers.

They pretend they are too damn trendy to feel that girly emotion - sexual jealousy.

Sorry if that hit a nerve SGB. If all you can get is one cheating bastard after another please don't dress it up as cool and trendy.

My God, mistyop. I cannot see one thing that you have said which proves that you are anything other than a closed-minded person with poor reading comprehension.

Sure, disagree with someone's point of view. That's what discussions are all about, particularly on such divisive subjects as this. But it is perfectly possible to disagree with someone without resorting to thinly-veiled personal insults. It is also perfectly possible to disagree with someone without things being as black and white as them being wrong and you being right. Few things in life are as easily categorised as that, I'm afraid.

Oooh, have you gone, mistyop? What a shame, you plainly have such valuable contributions to make...

Actually my biggest problem has usually been having to do the let-down-gently thing with men who want more commitment. And men suffer from sexual jealousy (and unfortnuaely use it to excuse really nasty unacceptable behaviour) as much if not more than women - women are less inclined on the whole to resort to violence or threats of it to keep a partner 'theirs'.

Have been watching this thread, how predictable that someone like Mistyop should start getting vitriolic and downright offensive. Hope she really has sodded off.

Just my two pence worth. I have always thought of myself as a one-man woman but but am not so sure now (I'm 53, adore sex and seem to be more attractive to men than ever). I simply don't want to focus just on one man anymore, I'd rather have two or three in my life and maybe for different things. I've just met someone I really like but I simply don't want him to be my one and only.

I'm trying to work out why I feel like this because it's against the norm. Is it because I'm protecting myself against getting too attached to just one person? Or do I genuinely have the capacity to be polyamorous? I do know that one-to-one relationships simply haven't worked for me in the past and the thought of being someone's only partner just makes me feel stifled. Is it time to try something new? I do think that the people who have always made non-monogamy work for them (and you know who you are!) are a rare breed and I'm unsure as to whether they're born or made.

And yes, agree SGB, men can be very sexually jealous - the guy I've only just met has already told me he'd hate it if I slept with anyone else. And awful behaviour can result.

Anais, it does sound like you want something more than conventional monogamy. As far as 'born, not made' goes, I think that may be the case. But it sounds like you're going in that direction. You can't know unless you try, and so long as you're open and honest with everyone involved, you're doing nothing wrong.

You're in a bit of a pickle then Anais- if you want to be footloose and free and he doesn't!

I think this simply confirms my previous posts- it is very hard to find something that suits everyone.
I think your position is more understandable- there is plenty of evidence that women over 50 prefer to be alone and simply have men as the occasional sexaul/dinner/holiday partner- and prefer not to wash their pants.

This usually comes though after years of having a 1:1 relationship, with children as part of the picture- so it was never a case of missing out- simply a change of attitude in midlife.

Anais- I was saying only a few days ago to a friend that I would like to have 3-4 men as partners and take a bit from each of them- but in reality I think this rarely work- peoples' emotions get in the way too much- which is why 1:1 is not 100% the best but it seems the best of the alternatives.

Anais: What you want sounds eminently reasonable to me and the current man sounds like a knob if he is telling you after only a few dates that you are 'his property'. It's perfectly OK to want what you want, and if it conflicts with what someone else wants, then it's fine to dump that someone else - certainly in the case of someone you have only just started dating - and move on.
It is more difficult and ethically complicated if you have been in a longterm monogamous relationship and one partner wants to change the rules. That's a matter for long discussion and consideration of what to do next, which may mean experimenting with opening the relationship, the poly-inclined partner deciding that remaining monogamous despite inclinations not to is in fact the better deal for him/her, or deciding to end the relationship as amicably as possible.

Anais, I was going to say something similar to SGB's first point. I have seen a couple of guys who very early on, were unsure about me seeing other people - and to be honest, it just didn't work for either party.

However, for guys for whom this is not a problem, it was been so simple to work out. I have lovely, fun, supportive, sexual friendships - which are just not the 'be all and end all'... and I have never been more content, or impressed with how easy life can be.

Thank you for the responses to my post. Cabbage, that really is the situation I'm in now so am only looking for companionship and trying to work out whether one will do, or several. Can I ask how old you are Snow and what brought you to this lovely stage in your life? (forgive me if this has already been covered).

Of course I owe nothing to this guy SGB as have only just met him, so all I have to do is be clear with him what I'm looking for. Hopefully as two mature people we can work it out amicably.

Anais, It hasn't been covered, it is no problem ...apologies to everyone else as this is probably TMI.

I am 38, and have two children. They are my heart and honestly cannot imagine anyone intruding into their life. I also am very career focused, so in reality this leads me with little inclination to develop a full time relationship, as it just doesn't 'fit' in my mind.

... intially, I thought this was a problem, then suddenly it occured to be that I was completely free to live life just as I wanted, on my terms. This is a very big deal for me as I have been known in the past to be a little co-dependent, nice girl with an inability to say no...

My current adventure appears to cover not only negotiating an interesting personal life - but has also made it much more natural for me to define real boundaries with my platonic friends, at work and with my family. So on that front alone, I know it is good for me.

Worth a read. Unfortunately, as with pretty much all the decent writing on poly/monogamy-free living, it is American in origin and tone.

"An affair, although strictly speaking 'non-monogamous' has absolutely nothing to do with '(ethically) non-monogamous relationships' such as we have been discussing."

Oh for goodness sake - you are reducing human sexuality to a sort of polical correctness that is quite ridiculous.

An affair has quite a lot to do with a discussion about non-monogamy - have you actually read most of the threads on here??

Or - to put it another way - the type of 'politically correct' non-monogamy that I presume you are referring to is no different to an affair, in that it means that you are shagging more than one person, but it is (theoretically at any event) open, rather than secretive.