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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

24/40 & DH is leaving.

80 replies

deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 08:55

Hi ladies,

Im not sure what advice I am after here, or just some wordy wisdom and advice on men.

Im 24 weeks pregnant, with our first baby. We have been together for 6 years and married for 2. WE were trying to get pregnant for 10 months and in the last 7 months, DH has become distant, cold, unsympathetic and more importantly-really boring!
After this causing me to break down-he admits he doesnt feel the same way about me, admits he has changed and doesnt feel we have a future.

I have now arranged to move home to family, 150miles away and transferred my job.

I feel happier about mine and babies future, around family, friends, and secure that the disruption, occurs now, rather than when baby is older....

but..

Its quite a rash change of feelings..is it likely he regret this, once it is too late??

Also, when he comes to visit, he will be on the sofa, in my flat. How long can we do that for-before it is unfair to me?

Help please!

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 16/02/2011 09:19

Why will he be on the sofa in your flat? If he has chosen to exit your life, then it's up to him to find somewhere to stay when/if he visits his child.

gobbledegoop · 16/02/2011 09:21

My thoughts entirely. He has decided to end the relationship, he can stay in a B & B, don't be a mug.

Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 09:24

I know- that's what everyone is saying to me.

He has told me, that when he pays CS, they will take into account the petrol, he uses to travel to Leeds, to see us and knock that money off. If he has no-where to stay and has to stay in B&Bs, will they knock this off too?

He is a teacher, and plans to come and go, as much as I allow, over the holidays.
I dont want to start being un-reasonable, but I also dont want him still controlling me, by being around in my house all the time. I just cant see another option- if he is to be around the baby.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 16/02/2011 09:24

I'd be very surprised if his 7 months of distance did not coincide with an affair. Sad I don't mean this to be hurtful.
He chose to break up your family. His unborn child is not important enough to him to attempt to salvage this relationship. He is not someone who deserves a kip on your sofa. If he wants to see your child, he can sort out his own place to stay.

sarjose · 16/02/2011 09:25

oh god, I am so sorry, I have just been through similar...all I can say is when he left, I trawled through internet sites,bought books,read problems,all to try and get some sort of answers to why men do this and whether he would come back, it is surprisingly common(apparently),and the fact you were together so long suggests there is a strong chance he will want to come back at some point,whether you will still want him then is another thing. I have had my baby now 4 weeks ago and I can tell you WE ARE OK and so will you be. My ex stayed for a week when Id had the baby,as I had had a c section,I asked him to go back to his after a week,but he kept coming and going as he pleased,this really started to get in the way of my emotionally moving on so I have just put a stop to that too, I think,if you take control of the things you can do,it will give you a better perspective as you may feel that your husband has taken away your future and completely floored you,well thats how I felt anyway..hope this makes sense I can't put into words how I feel for you,wishing you all the very best,congratulations to you,hope things work out the way you want x

gobbledegoop · 16/02/2011 09:28

CSA only take into account other children that he supports, not any living or travelling expenses AFAIK

coppertop · 16/02/2011 09:29

I agree that when he comes to visit he needs to find somewhere else to stay. I also think it doesn't bode well for the future that the baby hasn't even born yet and he's already considering how to reduce the amount he will pay to support his child.

Good luck with the move and the pregnancy. :)

Subway · 16/02/2011 09:31

What a charmer.

He calls time on your marriage right before your first child is born, then starts quibbling about petrol money coming off your CSA if he is forced to visit his own child using his own money Hmm.

Lay down some ground rules - on your terms - NOW.

Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 09:32

Thanks Sarjose,
I have also read it is common. I know baby and I will be fine, and I am really looking forward to our future. I know I will cope, I have a good job and great support in Leeds.
Even if twat face showed some remorse-I dont want to let him in. I cant forgive him for being so selfish and causing, me and bump distress. I just cant get over, how soon he has changed and I cant see the man I married.

I am scared of the future, when he comes to take baby away, on holiday, and to stay with his family etc. I think, in my mind, if I am amicable now, maybe he will be in the future. But everyone is right- how can I move on, when he is on my sofa. Another thought pattern, I have is- baby is due June. Twat face has half term and that Paternity to take. Then a few weeks later- his summer holidays. Should I allow him my sofa, for these periods only. Mainly so he can help me and see the FULL extent of what he has choosen to leave. After this period. Its is B&B's .....Thoughts on this?????

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 16/02/2011 09:33

When he pays CS they WILL NOT take into account the petrol. If he stays in B&B they WILL NOT take this into account either.

He is trying to pull a fast one here.

Suggest you get on the CSA Website and familiarise yourself with the rules etc - better to be forewarned and forearmed.

Sad this is happening to you, but you must make sure you are not left in the lurch.

Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 09:42

We are still living together at the moment. I move in 5 weeks (and counting!)

I am playing it cool at the moment. The minute I leave-it is my rules and there is noting he can do to touch me. I dont want phone contact for, at least a few months- until it appears labor is starting. Ive said he can be there for the birth- but he may not even make it up the motorway. He seems to think, baby will be born on the due date or in half term-when it is convenient for him.

To keep myself stress free- I am just riding this at the moment, but in 5 weeks, things will turn. He even gets upset if I dig at him! Like I am allowed no bitterness! Deep breath.

CS- HE plans to pay my 300 a month when babe is born- 600 when my 4 month matleave runs out anf then 300 again, when I go back to work.
Im scared of going through CSA-IF i end up getting paid less-which is what he thinks? Is the twat being sneaky?????

OP posts:
maltesers · 16/02/2011 09:43

He is talking total rubbish,. . .dont let this lying man pull the wool over your eyes.

Is he seeing someone else? (Just a thought )
AS people have said here, dont let him stay over. He can dam well stay in a hotel or something.

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you now you are pregnant . If there is one time he should stick by you , its when you are with his child.
What is he playing at??

maltesers · 16/02/2011 09:45

Yes, he is a sneaky bastard.
Be cross with him, he deserves nothing it.

Ask him straight if he is seeing someone else.

sarjose · 16/02/2011 09:46

Not sure about the sofa thing,it depends how you really feel about him,apart from the anger,you were together a long time,there was nothing more hurtful for me than my ex giving our son a kiss on his way out and just saying 'see ya' to me,ouch..even though I don't want him back it still hurts,maybe see how you feel when the baby is born,it is your choice though not his so he will have to work around you,even if you change your mind..he did the walking out therefore its you that has to come first.I would advise not making a decision on that yet,give yourself some time,I don't know,just a suggestion.Shame on him for putting you in this situation,I don't think these men have any idea what they're doing!

Truckulente · 16/02/2011 09:55

If I was you I'd get proper legal advice.

CSA is 15% of his take home pay
And he can claim travel expenses.

ScaredOfCows · 16/02/2011 09:55

I would suggest rethinking him being with you in labour. Childbirth is NOT a spectator sport, and labouring women need 100% commitment, love and security from their birth partner for the experience to work well (I'm an ex midwife and mother, so have experience from both points of view).

The only reason that I can see for him to be there is for his own gain, or because you feel that he should be there because partners are. But he's not your partner now, is he? Could you have a female relative, friend, brother even, there instead? Someone who will be there for you, be your advocate and give you the support you will need.

ScaredOfCows · 16/02/2011 09:57

Also, is he entitled to paternity leave if you are separated?

Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 09:59

I have asked him if there is someone else. Ive told him, it would actually make it easier for me to understand, if there was- but he categorically refuses. He has stayed out a few nights on a Friday, and has always slept at his mothers.
I just want to move. Its so hard, working full time, sorting out the move, money to move, bond, rent etc. I cant begin to arrange ante-natel classes yet. He is just carrying on as normal.
In some ways, Im am grateful it has happened now. Being 150 miles away from each other, has its + and -. I think, this is just soaked in his naivety and I would struggle more, with the baby, and stress, if we were together.

You know, the silly things that upset me- is when the baby is older...and when they adore their dad and want to go and stay with dad. How do you swallow, what they have done to you both, the bitterness, heart ache and struggle they caused.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 10:03

My mum, will also be there. I will start my ante-natel classes with her, so she will be my main birthing partner.

You know, there is so much, I dont want to deny him....the birth, the first few months..

But there is also, a horrid reason, why I want him to be there. So it hurts him. So he see's his baby born, then has to go home and stay in his mothers spare room. I want it to hit him, hit him very hard and then he HAS to face what he has done..the guilt.

Am I now being mental?

OP posts:
Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 10:05

Truckulente----so they can take out the travel expense??? Is that correct? So if they come to see baby and stay in a B&B-surely they take this off too? As it is something father is doing to see the baby???

I will speak to csa..just havnt got the head space for it at the moment.

OP posts:
Subway · 16/02/2011 10:09

You are not denying him anything by asking him to behave like a grown up.

Only you can decide if you want him to be at the birth, but you would be totally within your rights to say 'Actually, I'd rather you weren't there, but I will let you know as soon as I feel ready after our baby is born and you can visit us in hospital.'

It isn't really appropriate for him to be kipping on your sofa indefinitely whenever he feels like seeing his child. This won't work long term, so why not start off with an arrangement that will work longer term?

wannabesybil · 16/02/2011 10:18

AFAIK the CSA will not deduct travelling expenses. They go on a flat rate of 15% of his pay, I think net. He is talking rubbish.

Truckulente · 16/02/2011 10:20

From the CSA website.

'What factors might we take account of for non-resident parents?
If you are a non-resident parent, we might look at the amount of child maintenance again if you have special expenses of more than £10 a week, or £15 if your income is £200 or more, for:
Keeping in contact with your children (for example, if the parent with care has moved a long way away).
supporting children who live with you who have disabilities or a long-term illness (if the special expenses are less than £10 or £15 a week, we may still take them into account).
paying back a debt that you took on before you separated from the parent with care, and the debt was for the benefit of the family or a member of the family. Please note that this does not include credit card or store card debts.
paying boarding-school fees for children who you pay child maintenance for (we will take account of only the everyday living costs or ?boarding? part of the fees).
making payments on a mortgage, loan or insurance policy to pay off a mortgage or loan on the home that you and the parent with care used to share. The parent with care and the children must still live in the house and you must have no legal interest in it.'

Original poster
deepbluewave · 16/02/2011 10:31

hmmm, says they 'may' look at it- if we moved a 'long' way away.

It looks like, this is only if his income is low...

He thinks he will be up every wkend, which is a joke. He is far to busy, with work, runing, cyclicng, his band and cant find time now-let alone in the future!
If he does stay on the couch, it will be, while we are waiting for labour and some part of his summer holidays. Thats it.

OP posts:
livinginazoo · 16/02/2011 10:36

You do not need any added stress at the birth, I would seriously rethink that if I were in your position. He donated sperm and abandoned you callously, that in no way entitles him to watch you go through labour. You need to feel safe and comfortable and to think of yourself, not have someone who doesn't care for you sit and sip a cup of tea treating you like a tv documentary. Just my opinion.