24/40 & DH is leaving.

[deepbluewave]

Hi ladies,

Im not sure what advice I am after here, or just some wordy wisdom and advice on men.

Im 24 weeks pregnant, with our first baby. We have been together for 6 years and married for 2. WE were trying to get pregnant for 10 months and in the last 7 months, DH has become distant, cold, unsympathetic and more importantly-really boring!
After this causing me to break down-he admits he doesnt feel the same way about me, admits he has changed and doesnt feel we have a future.

I have now arranged to move home to family, 150miles away and transferred my job.

I feel happier about mine and babies future, around family, friends, and secure that the disruption, occurs now, rather than when baby is older....

but..

Its quite a rash change of feelings..is it likely he regret this, once it is too late??

Also, when he comes to visit, he will be on the sofa, in my flat. How long can we do that for-before it is unfair to me?

Help please!

By the way, you are being way too nice and considerate to him!

1. Contact costs. Where there is a regular contact set-up with one of the children for whom you are paying child support and there is no shared care award it is possible to apply for a variation for contact. Allowable contact costs include travel tickets, fuel, taxi fares/car hire/tolls and fees and the cost of overnight stays where it is unreasonable to expect you to return home.

Suppose they do look at these things....

deepbluewave - my penny's worth...

He is seeing someone else - despite what he says.

He will want you back - I will kick your arse if you take him back! It's not the 'freaking out' that makes me say that, but the way he's talking to you, treating you and giving you the bullshit lines. He's doing that 'teacher' thing with you - don't allow it!!

Obviously as well as hating what he is doing to you, you still love him - loving him is making you do/think things that are for his benefit, not yours.

You will feel differently when you move - so don't make any concrete plans now

You will probably be better off waiting until you are actually almost delivering your baby then get your Mum to text him - by the time he gets there you will be in a better place for him to see the baby - I seriously doubt having him there during the birth will help you and you don't want to make your labour more difficult just to make him see what he's missing out on - he will feel the same having to leave his newborn child.

I doubt you will want him hanging around you/your flat when you are full term. You have your friends & family for support you don't need this feckless prat him.

Your place is your place. Your life is your life. Neither are his to dip in and out of when it suits him. B&B from the get go.

You don't have to allow him to dictate when he will be seeing the baby - he can see the baby on your terms or he can go to court. End of.

150 miles - I doubt they will take money off of his CSA for petrol, it's not a 'long' way away. You don't have to let him stay with you and really it's not a habit you want to get into - also, as I said before - this is going to be your new life, your new flat etc he no longer has a 'share' in that - he wanted out, he's got out - he can't pick and choose the bits of life together that he wants while having a separate life of his own elsewhere - please don't allow him to think he can!

Deepbluewave I doubt they will for 150 miles. However, even if they do - so what? You will end up with slightly less CSA - maybe - but you will have your life, with your baby and if you can't cope financially there will be help for you. This adjustment in CSA is not designed to force you into having him stay at your house.

How does the money stack up with what he's offering you v CSA (15% of his net wage). Frankly, if there's not much in it I would do it through the CSA then he can't use it to manipulate you.

CIATT-

''However, even if they do - so what? You will end up with slightly less CSA - maybe - but you will have your life, with your baby and if you can't cope financially there will be help for you. This adjustment in CSA is not designed to force you into having him stay at your house.''

This is so right. I never thought of it this way... the cost of a stress free life, is priceless.

Once I am back at work, 3 days a week- he states he will give me 300pm. Im not sure what CSA will be..or what it will be after deductions.
I know I am making it easy for him-but only as I want it easy in the long term- but I know, that at some point, a line will have to be drawn...and probably, a contract, drawn up! Im scared of him taking the baby away from me, when its older..but I suppose, that is nothing that I can really avoid.
Im just trying to be amicable. I am quite relieved, in a way I didnt expect- that I will get my life again..even as a single mother. WE need to discuss it again. Though I know now, he is disabled when it comes to future thinking!
I do want him at the birth. He wont stress me, as he can no longer touch me and I can use him for help. Ie- Im breastfeeding, he can clean my house and hang the washing out- clean the rabbit out.! hah.
Then, as time goes on- he can baby sit, when I go out! MEH! The future is bright- the future is all mine!

I suppose- one step at a time.
I need to move- re-asses.

By being on my own again, will help me decide on my birth plan.

Then, as I said, I intend to use him for help, when I struggle.. when I need help with cleaning, when I need a sleep, when I want to go out. We both know-the sofa idea is a very short term solution, until we find our routine.

And Im talking a few months.,..not years.
Ill cross that bridge later.

The thing is, this man has already shown himself to be selfish, inconsiderate and unkind. It's a very bad idea to rely on someone like this to help you. He won;t do it. He won't turn up, and if he does turn up he will not do the housework, he will threaten to walk out and never come back, or withold money from you if he doesn't get his own way.
OK maybe I am misjudging him and he will have a change of heart, but in the meantime, you need to plan to be able to manage without any input from him (apart from financial and get that legally mandated ASAP).

Agree with SGB however, i don't think OP is listening at the moment. Maybe in time she will see him for what he is.

A bit like when dealing with children - you need to set the boundaries as soon as possible. It will be a lot easier for you than trying to change things later when he presumes he can just turn up whenever it suits him and kip on your sofa.

To be penny pinching about child maintenance before the baby is even born is not a great sign. I can't see him getting more reasonable about money as time goes on Don't forget you'll also be entitled to tax credits (check entitledto.com).

Best of luck to you - what a selfish arse he is.

Er, 'OP' is listening, thank you.

Maybe you should know, that this happened about 4 weeks ago. I took no time off work, I took no shit. I found somewhere new to live, I am saving up my own money for rent, bond and move- arranged a 'not so easy transfer' with work and mapped out my future without him.

I made my decision straight away, and have not looked back on that. I also got a new hair cut and wardrobe!

I am financially secure, I have a good, secure job. I am also, looking forward to my future now.

What worries, me, is if twat face, changes his mind. Which really, has no real impact on my future. So I have answered my own question.

I am trying to work out, if I take the money he offers me- or if I plan to loose more with CSA and the money he will use to travel to see us.

There are some things, you must appreciate, that you dont know about the man. He is generally laid, back and if I ask something, he will do it, Despite this, we have stayed friends and amicable. Whether this makes it harder or easier in the future, I dont know- but surely it is better for the baby.

god, someone get me some cake!

OP, he's a selfish, feckless bastard - I think we're all agreed on that. He doesn't deserve you.

But he's also the baby's father. I don't think it's very fair on anyone for you to treat him as your unpaid assistant after the birth and then for babysitting - he needs to bond with the baby too, not just be there for the menial stuff.

If you possibly can, try to separate his relationship with your child from whatever relationship he has with you.

If you are moving near your family, couldn't he stay at your mum's when he comes to visit?

I know she wouldn't want him there either, but it would be much easier for you.

Fudge cake- gratefully received! That hit the spot!

I know, I was only joking when I said I would get him to do my menial tasks. But in reality, he will help me that way, as he would if her were the perfect DH at home!
He has said, he will be there for me, help as much as possible and come and go, as much as I want/dont want him.

I do want him around, when baby is born and if he has 6 weeks holidays he can also be around. Surely this doesnt make me weak. I dont want him back, or want the relationship,,but I do want the first few months to be as easy for me and baby as possible.

yeah, I did say that to him. To stay at my parents!

Poor them though!

Other than that- he said he would stay in a tent, either in the garden or at a camp site!

Deepblue,

I think you need to ignore how you got to this point. It is entirely irrelevant whether you ex had an affair or not. He is the father of your child and seems to want to be involved. If you move a long way away, I think it is fair for you both to share the expenses of him coming to visit. If you can both afford a reasonable B&B for him, that seems a good solution.

On the other hand, I don't think he has any right to be there at the birth. Labour is an intense experience (and that is just from watching!) and you need to be surrounded by those you love and trust absolutely. Labour is about you, not the baby.

Wow - you are remarkably calm!

Is there any way you could move now I assume the reason that you can't is related to work - but perhaps you could get some special leave or even get the dr to sign you off. It would make so much more sense for you to start moving on today.

Your H is a twat - I assume he realises that divorce will entail some sort of financial split/settlement? You really ought to see a solicitor ASAP and get the ball rolling.

Also make it clear that the CSA's 15% is the bare minimum that is applied to feckless, can't be arsed parents. Any parent who can afford more and refuses on the basis that the CSA rate is lower is a fuckwit who doesn't deserve anything but contempt.

And ofr gods sake do not have him stay with you when he visits. He left, his problem. And if he claims that he can't therefore see your child without you facilitating to that extent see comments above re fuckwit and contempt.

Good Luck. I have a feeling you might just be fine

I would try not to worry about what will happen in future too much, I know it's hard but things rarely go as planned anyway, from what you have said you are having a lucky escape,

My boys do love their father, they quite like seeing him from time to time but as he was never there full time it's Mum they miss and kick up a fuss if they have to go visit their Dad for more than a weekend. I really wouldn't worry about how you will feel about childs feelings.

Absolutely no to sleeping on sofa, his choice to leave but your rules for the future!

Thank you Nancy Drew! I know I will be fine.

Work can transfer me, with the filling of a form and an email- but I cant move into my new place, until 19th March.

And then,,, I plan to have a little party!

I think your right too- TS.

IM trying not to 'think' too much about how it will work. In 4 months time, we will be a completely different situation.

5 weeks, of being here-then things will change to my rules.
As I said, once I have moved, I plan that we have no contact...I dont know how he envisions things, but it will all be my way,

A word of advice...do not take anything he says at face value, always check it out. Don't let him stay on the sofa either, he can find a b&b, or the tent he mentioned. Start putting boundaries in place and stick to them.

Yes- I like the idea of him in a tent. Particularly if it is windy and wet!

Mother dearest says the same and I am biding my time.

Not to believe what he says, unless it is writing!

Thing, is though. A weekend, with us- could cost him..

£50 in petrol
£100+ for 2 nights in B&B. Not to mention, the time on his school holidays.

Thats on top of CSA and his rent etc

Am, I being a stupid fook, to worry about that.
As I said, if CSA consider this, the money will then, not filter to child.