24/40 & DH is leaving.

[deepbluewave]

Hi ladies,

Im not sure what advice I am after here, or just some wordy wisdom and advice on men.

Im 24 weeks pregnant, with our first baby. We have been together for 6 years and married for 2. WE were trying to get pregnant for 10 months and in the last 7 months, DH has become distant, cold, unsympathetic and more importantly-really boring!
After this causing me to break down-he admits he doesnt feel the same way about me, admits he has changed and doesnt feel we have a future.

I have now arranged to move home to family, 150miles away and transferred my job.

I feel happier about mine and babies future, around family, friends, and secure that the disruption, occurs now, rather than when baby is older....

but..

Its quite a rash change of feelings..is it likely he regret this, once it is too late??

Also, when he comes to visit, he will be on the sofa, in my flat. How long can we do that for-before it is unfair to me?

Help please!

Staying on your couch, eh? Does he intend to be fed and looked after by you as well?

antlerqueen- he probably expects the odd bonk-knowing him!

dont fear ladies. This will not happen!

TBH, there will not be any point in him even being there on a Friday night- as baby will be in bed, by the time he arrives!
Plus, I wont be fair on me and other family that want to see baby, that he is there every wkend.

Why are you even contemplating what this will cost him in terms of his time???

This is time that he should want to give up. He should be desperate to see his child, bond and build a relationship.

In terms of a financial commitment I don't think the CSA will automatically deduct his travel costs although I believe they can in some circumstances but I do think you need to toughen up and take a more robust stance with him: He has an obligation to support your child. He can either be a man or (again seee earlier comments about contemp and fuckwit) the choice is his.

I really don't see how it will be easier for you to have your ex husband who has dumped you while pregnant around in the last days of pregnancy, during labour and in the early days of the baby being at home.

You will need support then, and not from someone who has previous as unreliable and with whom there are unresolved emotional ties.

As strong, and determined, and clear headed as you sound, having your ex husband around acting like your husband around the time your baby is born will be confusing torture. The fact that you want it to hurt him shows that this is not a logical, but an emotional decision.

Ask your mother to move in for a bit to help you out in the early days.

And keep your boundaries really clear - he is now your EX. He is the baby's father, but he is no longer anything to you.

That means it is his look out where he stays, how much money and time he spends, what he misses out on.

Don't concern yourself with that.

My friends husband left her while she was pregnant, he moved out but would turn up at her house any time and let himself in. He wondered into the bathroom when she was showering one day and didn't see the problem with it!! Allowing your ex to use your house as a 'home' in any way blurs the lines and can leave him feeling he still has marital rights!!

Giving birth is such a personal thing and eventhough I am happily married DH has been totally involved before and since while I was actually in labour I wanted noone around at all. I was entirely on my own until 40 mins before DD arrived (DH and DD1 were in the house but out of my way) It may be that you do want him there with you at the time but you won't know this now and you might change your mind and he has to know this and accept it.

The last thing you need just after having a baby is people around you who make you unhappy. If you are going to breastfeed you need hours and hours of time just you and baby. Men rarely bond with babies in the first few months, chemically the baby is draw to you and only when they become a bit more independent do men really bond so don't worry about the long term effects on his bond concentrate on yours.

Good luck with it all hope you get your new life underway soon :)

xxx

The CSA can allow for travel expenses but it's a trivial amount in practise. Someone paying (say) £50 in petrol to travel to see their child may get £5-10 knocked off the maintenance they're supposed to be paying. B&B costs will be completely ignored.

If you can get transferred with work at the flick of an email, why don't you do that and stay with friends or family for the next 5 weeks??

I think that right now you are still in a bit of shock and your hormones are running a little high. You are used to him being the love of your life, your husband - the reality is that your feelings towards him will change quite dramatically and so many of us know how things change, thing you haven't yet had to go through - but sometimes you just have to live it/see it for yourself.

Save this thread and read it again when you have moved, when he's been tight with money, when he's let you down, when he's hinting for sex, demanding his parental rights.... and maybe you will see that what we are saying isn't so harsh... maybe you will prove us wrong ...

In the meantime, think about moving sooner and look after yourself :) x

I'm sorry you are going throu this right now.

Dont bother thinking too far ahead as things will change.

From your post its clear you are still in love with him and that is making you be nice to him and its painful for me to read so it must be even worse for you. Give yourself abreak and stop thinking about how he is going to see his child - that is his responsability not yours.

You will get financial help in your own right, what he gives you is on top of that.

He give up the right to see you give birth when he wanted out of the relationship - why give him that right when he is giving you nothing? The first few months should be all about you and your baby.

As your mum to help you as she will really be more help that "Twat face".

The sad fact of life is that this is your child and you will be making every decision on your own for the rest of the childs life. It is up to the Father to make arrangments to see and bond with his child.

I think you will see things differently when you have some space to think.

You and your baby will have a great future and in time your ex will just become another person - not all that important but related to your child (along with his mum and dad).

Good luck

What's he planning to do in a couple of year's time when you have a new boyfriend? Will he still be sleeping on your couch?

I shouldn't read these threads as I'm a mother who doesn't live with her child. I made the decision to end the relationship when DD was 6 months old and now we're 70 odd miles apart.

I would never dream of kipping on exP's sofa, arguing the odds on child support or turning up as and when I pleased.

It's well over 2 years later and exP and I work hard to be parents together (with help from new P's!) It wasn't easy but we kept focussed on DD. No courts, no CSA.

I could go into details but don't want to hijack! I wish you luck OP, it is possible to reach an amicable arrangement but you both need to be on the same page.

150 miles is not far enough to be considered necessary to stay overnight by CSA - he could do it as a day trip.

If it's that much of a problem to him to travel and he's really committed to his child then he could apply for a new teaching job nearer to you, could he not?

As others have said, once you have moved you will feel very differently and when your baby is born you will be able to give your X very little thought.

You sound like you haven't quite adjusted to him being X, understandably as you are still living together, but once you are not, believe me you will feel very very differently and these issues will resolve themselves then - you will know what you want and it won't involve him. It's much easier once you are out of the relationship properly. (for me it was like a switch flicking almost literally overnight)

Put yourself and baby first, this man deserves none of your consideration at all IMHO.

Thank you everyone.
I think its really interesting, that everyone says I still love him. I suppose I do. Although I have done all the right things to 'move on' physically, the rest is yet to come.
I hope, as soon as I am out, I will see things more clearly.
We had a talk last night- he seems to be so understanding, but this worriers me, that he is not realistically thinking it all through. I told we need to set up the boundaries, for my sake alone. So I can move on. He says he will do what I need him to do and he knows he cant come and go, into my house.
I sat crying last night and did some shouting, at how much he has hurt me and how he seems so uneffected. All he says, is this is for the best in the long term.

I explained, I feel I am being left to do everything, pack up and leave, bring up the baby and then take care of his relationship with the child.

You know, everyone has made me see. That is not my problem. I need to set the boundaries, stick to my guns. For my sake alone. Ive told him it isnt exceptable for him to stay and he cant rely on me that way. He said-he will sort it and stay in a tent. But, that is his way of putting it back on me. He knows I will feel bad if he is in a tent.

Your right, 150 miles is not that far. He can drive up for the day. He could stay over night at my parents, or his friends.

I know if he is there alot, he will dictate my life again, I let him in. If a friend wants to come round- I will think of him first etc. There needs to be a large separation, that will occur when I move. NO talking, texting etc.

I cant move sooner. Mainly, as I wont leave my pets with him. It may seem silly to some, but they hate him too.

You are doing well!! I'm really pleased that you are seeing some of the points we're making, it will make it easier in the long run - honest :)

I'm also really pleased you have put him straight on a few things.

You can see what he's doing with 'TheTentIssue' (well done!!) so don't buy into it - he has other options - he can fuck off use those. In time you will be even more resolved to his problems not being yours!

He says he knows this & that, he says he will support you, he appears understanding - yep - see how that actuall pans out!!

It's best for the long term

Either he has another woman or he's gay. No man suddenly decides, overnight, to go from trying to get pregnant/getting a positive to divorcing without a compelling reason. It may take a long time to see what the reason was, but one day you will.

He has let you down in a very bad way and you don't trust him to look after your pets - I really hope that you never (not even in the hormonal-just-had-a-baby stage) even think about taking him back.

I really wish you'd leave now and stay at your parents/friends - there must be someone who could have your pets or a cattery/kennels? It's not ideal when you love them, I know, but it's not so bad as you still living with him.

Chippin- he has done this to me before. Before we were married. He did the classic, out all wkend, rude, insensitive. Had a little break down, when he could not get a job.
I kicked him out, and moved on, started to see other people.
About 4 months later, guess who called, who had made a mistake and who wiggled back in.
WE built on it, got married and forgot our past.

I highly suspect this is happening again. I suspect that the same phone call will one day come. I cant tell you how much hate this boils up inside me. That this man, can do this to me, at 5 months pregnant, and not see how his future will pan out. I have to say, I am a big believer in a 2nd chance- but he had that 2 years ago. How can I have a future, with someone who does this to me now. Of all times. Who watches it destroy me, distress the baby, turns my life up side down and then expects to walk back in again, when it suits him. I see him very clearly now and I know, he doesnt even know himself.
Makes me so mad, just writing this.
He said last night, he has been feeling this way about me for about a year. Why were we tryng for a baby then? Why did he go out every month, but a test and wake me every Saturday morning, in excitement, to take the test.
He is having a quiet break down.

It is really hard when you love them and want 'the good bits', when all you want them to do is 'grow up' and stop running away :(

Sadly you can't make them do that. Something isn't right for him within himself/your relationship and you can't change that. He's had his second chance, he's bailed on you when you are pregnant - you don't get another chance after that!! (I hope!).

Been there, done that with the 'it hasn't been right for ages' - err so ummm possibly would have been a good idea to have mentioned it when we were trying to make a baby FGS. No matter how much you love this baby, it would have been much simpler to have not been pregnant and just been free to get on with your life as he is. TWAT.

Breakdown - then he can get professional help, you need to detach detach detach.... (I know it's hard! x)

He is delusional. All he cares about is his job, and his 'teacher of the week' accolades.
Which makes me sick, as he puts all his time and energy into others peoples children, while neglecting the one he will have.

The fact it has happened so soon, over such a short space of time, makes me highly suspicious, he doesnt have a real clue what he is doing. He wont even talk to his own family (who are all on my side)

I was having a bad day yesterday. 99% of the time, Im strong and fine.
I actually see the little bean as a blessing.
Something lovely to come out of 6 years hard work and it has been the little bean, that has made me see sense and step up.
TWAT.
Thanks again. NO couch for him.

I don't know what's happening to your ex except I do believe he is confused. Do you have other reasons to suspect an affair?

I also think your ex is having a problem relating to the pg - which is common - for some men as they can't imagine what bond they will have with the baby until it is born. My DH is great but he never 'got' that I was pregnant until the baby was actually born.Up until then it was a 'bump'. Then it became real and he's a great dad. I don't think he's really understood the impact of what life will be like post move. It really won't be easy for him..you will not have to 'inflict' any suffering on him, it will be there. Travelling 150miles isn't that achieveable in a day - especially if he plans to spend quality time with a bbay. He can stay in a tent for how many months of the year??? What happening when the child grows up, he/she is also in the tent in the rain?? I actually think you are sensible thinking about the finances, if he literally can't afford to pay CSA and travel costs then one will have to go..I assume you knwo what he earns so use the online calculator to get the figure. You don't have to worry about his finances when you split but the AFFECT of his finances will impact you and the child i.e if he stops being involved in the child's life. I would really encourage you to find solutions that work in the long interests of the baby - not the adults.You will get back on your feet so how you feel now won't last forever.

I know he's behaved badly to you and you need some support to get over this - but being hurtful to him doesn't move you forward. Your instinct was to put the child's interest's first - that's always the best approach and I applaud you for trying to do that (despite very, very difficult circumstances)

I moved country with 3 kids in tow after a break up its hard when you are on your own and feel as if you have to do everything yourself, but you will get through it and you will get it all sorted, especially as you have family around you. Just take each thing a step at a time, when you reach a hurdle (which you will) then kick cry stomp your feet then sit down and calmly think it through, you really will get there eventually,, good luck x

No- the 'tent' issue (seems very ridiculous) was an 'off the wall' solution for this year only, when twat has his 6 weeks summer holidays off work (teacher)
Baby is due in June.
Once his holidays arrive,he will want to be in Leeds, with us and I dont think it fair, I put him up.
There was always going to come a point, when something else needed to be planned. Im just looking at the first few months, co-in-siding, with him having time off.

He then plans to have DC with him on holidays, but this may not be for some years, until DC is 100% happy with this.

Does that make sense??

God knows! I actually have no bloody idea how this will work!

But as he is not too concerned, why am I racking my brain!

I think, he thinks, oh, it will be fine. Emma, is a softy and in a few months, she will be strong enough and happy enough to let me in!

TWAT!

CAKE! NOW!!

Smum - he's confused - fine... he can be as confused as he likes in his own place, sorting out his own life. He has put her through enough already - she really doesn't need you guilt tripping her into taking on more of it!

Your DH might not have 'got' the pregnancy, but he did he tell you (for the second time) that your relationship was over? I suspect not.

He wants out - he can deal with where to stay & he can sort out his relationship with his child - he is the one who needs to put the effort into that, not sunshine - she has enough in her own life to be getting on with.

150 miles each way is perfectly do able in a day OR he can move closer. I used to do it once a week to visit the inlaws - not on motorways either (no motorways where we lived).

The CSA will sort out what he needs to pay her - what he can and can't afford after that is his problem - not hers. He is a teacher - I am sure he can afford a tank of petrol to see his child once a fortnight. If not, he might have to get a lodger/flatmate/other job.

There is a big difference between putting the child first and sorting out the ex's life for them - a big difference.

x posts

Foot down!!

LARGE slice of your favourite cake coming your way :)

I cant think for him. I have raised my concerns 'for' him.

Your right though- I know I dont have to 'inflict' hurt on him. His turn will come.

My god..why is he so blind?

Cake passed your way with hot choclate with cream and marshmellows xx

I think he is attention seeking - all the fouce is on the baby and not him and from now on he will always come second. Its all about him so he cant see the hurt he is causing you as he cant see that far ahead.

You will meet someone new maybe have more children and you will have a happy family that his child will be part of. This is when it will hit him what he has lost. And what he will think about when he is in bed alone at his mum's house. He will never have the things you will have.