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Original poster

Dreading a friend's wedding - complicated - help!

78 replies

dreadingwedding · 14/02/2011 09:38

Sorry - this is a long one but it's quite a complicated story. I have name changed for this.

I am in a very awkward situation and I don't know what to do (if anything) about it. I have been with my DH for nearly 11 years now and we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this year. He has a group of friends who have all known each other for years - most since school. About 7 years ago a girl - I'll call her Julie - appeared in the group who was quite a "tomboy" type who was one of those girls who are friends with blokes more than girls. When I first met her she revealed to me that she was in love with one of DH's friends who had a girlfriend at the time and proceeded to slag his girlfriend off and generally made it clear that being in love with him was the reason she was hanging around the group, hoping for a chance with him. Time passed and the friend in question split up with his girlfriend but still didn?t want to go out with Julie and has since met and married someone else.

DH moved away from the town his other friends lived in but remained friends with rest of his group there, including Julie, and used to see her on nights out every now and then when he was visiting his home town and a few times even stayed at her house.

Julie stayed friends with the group over the years but at a distance because she eventually moved away from where they all lived and only saw them sporadically.

Anyway, DH told me about 18 months ago that on one of the occasions he had stayed at Julie's house, she had made a pass at him, kissed him, but he put a stop to it. This incident had happened when DH and I had been together nearly 5 years and shortly before our wedding, I think. Obviously I was annoyed that he had not told me at the time but even more annoyed at her because it was so disrespectful to me to make a play for my man and then act as if nothing had happened - she even visited us at our house shortly after our first child was born. At the point DH told me this, he hadn't seen Julie for a long time but he had just received an invitation via facebook to go to her birthday night out. I said that I would rather he didn't go and visit her and that he defriended her on facebook and had nothing more to do with her. He agreed to do this.

Since then, she has texted him to ask why he defriended her and why he didn't come to her birthday and he replied that I did not want him to.

He didn't go to her birthday this year either despite her inviting him via other friends. Some mutual friends spoke to DH afterwards saying that she spent all night moaning to them about me stopping DH from being her friend. She called me insecure and said that I must think she's a threat. However, she didn't reveal to the mutual friends that I had a good reason for being angry with her as she doesn?t know that I know she kissed my husband. DH didn?t tell his friends this fact either so they all probably do think I'm being unreasonable and keeping him from being her friend for no good reason.

Now some mutual friends are getting married and I found out this weekend that we are going to be sat at the same table as Julie and her new boyfriend. Julie texted DH out of the blue to say that she was fed up of me being pathetic and seeing her as a threat and that if I so much as gave her a look at the wedding she was going to kick off. I will have my 4 year old DD and will also have a 3 month old DD with me so obviously she won't look too good if she does this. I think DH ignored this text.

So that's the situation I'm in. I'm dreading this wedding now because I don't know what is going to happen. I just want Julie to stay away from us and leave me alone but am aware she must be running me down to all of our mutual friends saying that she hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm just insecure. But no one except Julie, DH and I know that she kissed him and that I have every right to want her to have nothing to do with our family. Even she doesn't know that I know as DH has kept quiet about it and wants to let "sleeping dogs lie" and not "rake it all up again" by mentioning it to her or any of our other friends. I have not said a single bad thing about her to anybody and nobody has asked me why I have a problem with her but they must all be wondering what is going on and why I have frozen her out of our lives.

What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I'm almost tempted to stay away from the wedding completely but I really want to be there for my friends and don?t want her to think she has won. DH says he would rather not go to the wedding than take any action whatsoever e.g. in telling her to back off and that I know she kissed him. But the person getting married is DH's best friend so we really do have to go.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 14/02/2011 09:44

I would make an announcement just after the speeches and explain to all why you are upset with Julie

I think it is down to your DH to put the record straight, if anyone. He is being a bit pathetic if he is happy to let Julie slag you off. He needs to be firm with her and tell her to grow up and not spoil the wedding.

Longtalljosie · 14/02/2011 09:45

Your DH needs to put you first! Let sleeping dogs lie? Bollocks to that. By doing so he's letting you take the blame for something that is not your fault! At very least, he needs to make it clear to Julie you know about the kiss, and arrange to have her moved to another table - by explaining the situation to the bride / groom and asking for them not to say anything. If they do let it out, well, all to the better, frankly. Why should you be the bad guy?

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 14/02/2011 09:46

Hi there I can't offer much practical advice but I am in a similar situation. I won't go into detail but it will involve me being at a wedding at the same time as my violent ex who is a mutual friend of my best friend. I am chief bridesmaid. I have decided to go no matter what he says or does. DH is happy to come with me and DD will be going with us too.

You need to go with your head held high. If you don't go 'Julie' will think she has won and you are making a bigger deal out of it than needs be. Just act normally. Dh doesn't have to keep in constant contact after the wedding. You will all be sitting on the same table. She isn't likely to pounce on your DH with you and your children and her new bf there is she?

I would go, and pretend nothing is wrong. Don't give her the upper hand.

needafootmassage · 14/02/2011 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 09:51

DH needs to get his head out of the sand and acknowledge that this actually has a lot to do with him.

He should reply to her text, preferable by actual phone call, and say he does NOT appreciate threats against you and threats to "kick off" at the wedding and that he, himself, is unhappy about what happened when she made a pass at him. He must NOT blame it all on you.

nje3006 · 14/02/2011 09:53

I agree, it's up to DH to step up and tell her that you know and that's why you don't want anything to do with her. I would also see if she can be moved tables but I understand your reluctance to ask the bride to sort out your stuff!

If DH makes it clear to her that he just wants her to steer clear and that he hopes she will behave with dignity at the wedding, she's going to look pretty bad if she kicks off.

DH needs to stop sticking his head in the sand here...

AnotherMumOnHere · 14/02/2011 10:00

"Your DH needs to put you first! Let sleeping dogs lie? Bollocks to that. By doing so he's letting you take the blame for something that is not your fault! At very least, he needs to make it clear to Julie you know about the kiss, and arrange to have her moved to another table - by explaining the situation to the bride / groom and asking for them not to say anything. If they do let it out, well, all to the better, frankly. Why should you be the bad guy?"

Totally agree LTJ.

Original poster

dreadingwedding · 14/02/2011 10:05

Thanks for all your replies! I'm glad none of you have told me I'm being insecure/unreasonable as DH keeps telling me I should forget the incident as it was years ago now and we should just be 'friends'with Julie again.

I don't think she'll really 'kick off' at the wedding. I think she's just throwing her weight around now as she probably feels she has everyone on her side (due to no one having the facts).

DH has agreed to ask the bride & groom for us to be seated as far away from her as possible even if we cannot be put on a different table. But he is dead against telling them why which is driving me mad!

It just makes me feel so bad that everyone must think I'm a paranoid insecure clingy wife type when I'm really not! I'm dying for someone to ask me about it but as we live quite a long way away from DH's friends there really isn't an opportunity.

I think I'm dreading the wedding itself because I'm really not confrontational and hate any kind of awkward situations. But you are all right, I just need to keep my head held high and get through that one day pretending nothing is wrong and ignoring her as much as possible. I doubt we'll ever have to see her again after that (apart from maybe christenings in the future).

I'll try to persuade DH to take some action before the day itself but I can't see him doing it. He loves having his head in the sand when it comes to things like this!

OP posts:

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 10:10

Well you'll have to try to get him to agree that if she does kick off (she may get drunk and be spoiling for a fight) that it is up to him to sort it out. Preferably not in the public gaze.

Original poster

dreadingwedding · 14/02/2011 10:20

Will do. I really hope she doesn't act out at the wedding because that would be such an awful thing to do on someone else's big day. I think by 'kick off' she just meant have a go at me, not trying to attack me as she doesn't really seem to be the fighting type IYSWIM.

I just wish DH would grow some balls when it comes to things like this. He hates to cause a fuss about anything and as he thinks I should just forget about it all and let bygones be bygones he probably doesn't see why he should wade in and get himself involved in any drama. But I know if she really does act badly at the wedding he'll stick up for me. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

But when it comes to all of his friends thinking I'm a paranoid loon, he's quite happy for that to continue!

OP posts:

thenightsky · 14/02/2011 10:22

I'd ring the bride and groom and tell them exactly why you want seating far away from 'Julie'.

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 10:23

If they are your friends they will probably realise that you wouldnt just kick up a fuss about her for nothing - no smoke without fire etc.
Don't worry about what other people might be thinking about you. And if it ever comes up in conversation you can just say - yes something did happen in the past that I was unhappy about, but I am not going to rake it all up now.

Longtalljosie · 14/02/2011 10:30

Can he not at least tell Julie you know, so she won't kick off? So that she won't be making a scene?

This isn't acceptable, you know. He should be putting you first, not his friends, and certainly not Julie.

novision · 14/02/2011 10:31

I bet your DH is not the only one she has made a pass at, so they probably all know exactly why. The only danger of not telling people is that they might think there is even more to it.

Your DH has to tell her that you know, because otherwise she will feed off their 'secret' and throw her weight around.

DH needs to say - 'DW knows that you kissed me and naturally was angry about it. Out of respect for her, I have distanced myself from you and would like to maintain that.'

Your DH has to grow some balls and not play the 'this has nothing to do with me, you women sort it out'

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 10:32

He's putting himself first, in the way many men do for an easy life, because he doesn't want "a fuss". They can then label the issue "silly women's stuff" and rise above it.

Original poster

dreadingwedding · 14/02/2011 10:39

Yep - a lot of what you are all saying rings true!

Think I may show DH this thread to see if the weight of MN opinion has any impact on spurring him to action.

It would not surprise me at all to know she had kissed some of the others. In fact I know for a fact she did kiss the original guy she was 'in love' with.

OP posts:

Ingles2 · 14/02/2011 10:42

you're probably not going to want to hear this... but I think the reason your dh has his head in the sand is because he is as much at fault as Julie.
Sorry,.. but she made a pass at him and she kissed him and he put a stop to it doesn't really ring true with me.
He probably responded, albeit mildly, which is why he doesn't want to speak up incase he's caught out.
I don't really understand why you don't speak to her yourself.

nje3006 · 14/02/2011 10:42

Dreadingwedding, it could be that DH is just being an ostrich and not wanting to deal with something. But I guess it's possible that something more happened with her at the time and that's the bit he doesn't want to talk about. He may have put it behind him but he's worried that if he starts bringing it up with her, she may say exactly what went on - and that's the bit he's avoiding.

Maybe, maybe not. Just a thought. Not trying to make you feel worse, just wondering whether his strong aversion to this could be caused by something else...

Longtalljosie · 14/02/2011 10:44

Yes, do show him the thread.

dreading's DH - who's the most important person in your life? Well, stop letting your friends slag her off then. Which they're likely to do if they don't know all the facts.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 14/02/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

dreadingwedding · 14/02/2011 10:47

Ingles2 and nje3006 - eek, I hadn't thought of that!

OP posts:

nje3006 · 14/02/2011 10:48

sorry x post with ingles - but same thought...

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 10:49

Well even if it's the case, it's well and truly in the past.
Sounds like it needs a proper talk though. DOn't let him just shrug it all off - you don't want to be dreading a wedding because of some miserable cow.

PorkChopSter · 14/02/2011 10:55

Was there more than a one-sided kiss and that's why your DH is not pushing back more? He needs to tell her to bog off. If he can...

senua · 14/02/2011 10:58

"Julie texted DH out of the blue to say that she was fed up of me being pathetic and seeing her as a threat and that if I so much as gave her a look at the wedding she was going to kick off."

Why? People drop friends, move on etc all the time. Why is she going to 'kick off'? It seems rather a disproportionate reaction. You can't force people to be friends with you.

I think that if she has tried it on with two of the group then she has probably made a move on others. Time to start sounding out others WAGS before the big day? Pre-emptive strike and all that (but don't ruin the happy couple's day, obv).

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