Dreading a friend's wedding - complicated - help!

[dreadingwedding]

Sorry - this is a long one but it's quite a complicated story. I have name changed for this.

I am in a very awkward situation and I don't know what to do (if anything) about it. I have been with my DH for nearly 11 years now and we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this year. He has a group of friends who have all known each other for years - most since school. About 7 years ago a girl - I'll call her Julie - appeared in the group who was quite a "tomboy" type who was one of those girls who are friends with blokes more than girls. When I first met her she revealed to me that she was in love with one of DH's friends who had a girlfriend at the time and proceeded to slag his girlfriend off and generally made it clear that being in love with him was the reason she was hanging around the group, hoping for a chance with him. Time passed and the friend in question split up with his girlfriend but still didn?t want to go out with Julie and has since met and married someone else.

DH moved away from the town his other friends lived in but remained friends with rest of his group there, including Julie, and used to see her on nights out every now and then when he was visiting his home town and a few times even stayed at her house.

Julie stayed friends with the group over the years but at a distance because she eventually moved away from where they all lived and only saw them sporadically.

Anyway, DH told me about 18 months ago that on one of the occasions he had stayed at Julie's house, she had made a pass at him, kissed him, but he put a stop to it. This incident had happened when DH and I had been together nearly 5 years and shortly before our wedding, I think. Obviously I was annoyed that he had not told me at the time but even more annoyed at her because it was so disrespectful to me to make a play for my man and then act as if nothing had happened - she even visited us at our house shortly after our first child was born. At the point DH told me this, he hadn't seen Julie for a long time but he had just received an invitation via facebook to go to her birthday night out. I said that I would rather he didn't go and visit her and that he defriended her on facebook and had nothing more to do with her. He agreed to do this.

Since then, she has texted him to ask why he defriended her and why he didn't come to her birthday and he replied that I did not want him to.

He didn't go to her birthday this year either despite her inviting him via other friends. Some mutual friends spoke to DH afterwards saying that she spent all night moaning to them about me stopping DH from being her friend. She called me insecure and said that I must think she's a threat. However, she didn't reveal to the mutual friends that I had a good reason for being angry with her as she doesn?t know that I know she kissed my husband. DH didn?t tell his friends this fact either so they all probably do think I'm being unreasonable and keeping him from being her friend for no good reason.

Now some mutual friends are getting married and I found out this weekend that we are going to be sat at the same table as Julie and her new boyfriend. Julie texted DH out of the blue to say that she was fed up of me being pathetic and seeing her as a threat and that if I so much as gave her a look at the wedding she was going to kick off. I will have my 4 year old DD and will also have a 3 month old DD with me so obviously she won't look too good if she does this. I think DH ignored this text.

So that's the situation I'm in. I'm dreading this wedding now because I don't know what is going to happen. I just want Julie to stay away from us and leave me alone but am aware she must be running me down to all of our mutual friends saying that she hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm just insecure. But no one except Julie, DH and I know that she kissed him and that I have every right to want her to have nothing to do with our family. Even she doesn't know that I know as DH has kept quiet about it and wants to let "sleeping dogs lie" and not "rake it all up again" by mentioning it to her or any of our other friends. I have not said a single bad thing about her to anybody and nobody has asked me why I have a problem with her but they must all be wondering what is going on and why I have frozen her out of our lives.

What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I'm almost tempted to stay away from the wedding completely but I really want to be there for my friends and don?t want her to think she has won. DH says he would rather not go to the wedding than take any action whatsoever e.g. in telling her to back off and that I know she kissed him. But the person getting married is DH's best friend so we really do have to go.

OP... Why does Julie have your DH's mobile number? Hasn't he told her to back off anyway?

I love that story Annie and you can repeat it as often as you like, as it is apposite to so many threads on here.

OP, I agree that your H is not telling you the whole story about that night and I don't think you're over-reacting at all.

I actually think you've got a bigger problem to contend with - a rather spineless H who rather than take responsibility for his actions, lets you and others take the blame for his own misdemeanours.

He's blaming this Julie for coming on to him and then blamed you for ceasing the friendship. It would have been much more appropriate (and perfectly understandable, from Julie's point of view) if he had said "Look I really regret what happened that night and because of it, don't feel it's appropriate to stay friends." Most people would quite understand why it's not approprate to stay friends with someone who has threatened the primary relationship.

That would have also made it his decision and his stance. Instead, he's opted for the "My wife won't let me play with you anymore" tactic. Worse still, he has allowed her to insult you and for others to gain the impression that you are a paranoid control freak.

I think the wedding and Julie are not the problems here, but the symptoms.

To get over the problem of the wedding, your H can do a lot. He can phone Julie in your presence and say that not remaining friends with her was his decision, not your suggestion. He can admit he was weak to suggest otherwise before and didn't want to hurt her.

That he doesn't take kindly to threats of aggression and "kicking off". That if she cannot control her behaviour at a friend's wedding, then maybe she should stay away. As for him, he fully intends to enjoy the event with his lovely wife and family and put any discomfort at her presence, to one side because it's the bride and groom's day after all.

If he's not prepared to do that and take responsibility for a mess that he caused then I think you need to review the real character of the man to whom you are married.

SGB, OP is NOT making a big deal about the kiss.

She is making a big deal of the fact that this silly woman is threatening to kick off about dreading being paranoid and insecure about her when dreading is nothing of the sort.

She is making a big deal of her dh letting her appear to be paranoid and insecure around all their friends when he in fact, did kiss another woman.

I think the least dreading's dh could do would be to fess up to his friends.

At BILS wedding a few years ago, dh's cousin's wife totally over-reacted to the way her dh was leering admiring a much younger female guest's figure. But as we know dh's cousin has form for cheating, we understood exactly why she had behaved that way. dreading should at least be given that level of understanding.

Your DH needs to man up, grow some balls and stick up for you. It is not right to allow his wife to be slagged off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - DH still has the same mobile number he has had for years. So Julie still has it from way back.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - you are right. DH should do something to support me. I don't think he will though.

We discussed it at length yesterday and he was really uncomfortable with speaking to anyone himself about it. The most he would offer is next time we were with his friends he would bring it up and giving me the opportunity to tell them my real problem with her. He even suggested that I message his friends on facebook and tell them the real story myself. But I think all that is such a palava and will make me look like I'm being very petty and making a big deal about it all.

He is trying to get me to solve the problem for him, isn't he? But he has cause it so he should.

*caused it

'I think he regrets telling me now as he likes a quiet life and probably thinks I'm being awkward now.'

He sounds like a wet girl's blouse.

I'd be very suspicious of this.

dreading gosh he's not making it easy for you! I think you're absolutely right that bringing it up out of the blue with his friends (esp on facebook!!!) would not reflect very well on you. Could you perhaps discuss with a trusted man from the group (the other one she tried it on with, maybe?) and just let it sort of spread out from there?

I wouldn't get sucked into it all - it sounds like the situation is upsetting you more than the original action, which is not surprising. Maybe just rise above it, play it cool (and very cool with her if you bump into her). If she tries to get a reaction out of you just say that you and your DH have discussed it and have decided that she obviously doesn't value his friendship enough to respect the boundaries, and his family, so there's no reason for them to be in touch any more.

I just can't get my head around why 'Julie' cares anyway. Seriously though, people like her thrive on drama and I'm sure she feels that all of the attention and discussion validates her sense of worth and importance to the group. Being polite and ever so slightly condescending will wound her a whole load more than an argument or facebook discussion or whatever.

I don't think it's the 5 yo kiss that's the issue here. It's OP's DH's reaction - not taking responsibility for his actions, possibly not telling the truth and preferring to make this OP's problem. He could deal with it v easily as WWIFN says. He's not doing that. That's where the problem is...

I agree nje
I don't know, maybe we're reading too much into this and he is just crap at confrontation but why wouldn't he face up? surely if the story is as he tells it, he's done nothing wrong.
I reckon there's just a little more to it...
Wanting you to confront her is odd... My gut reaction is that why he doesn't implicate himself more than necessary, and if Julie calls him on something, he has you as a get out clause.
Sorry dreading, this really isn't much help. I'd insist he front her before the wedding. There's no way I'd attend with that kind of worry hanging over my head. Why should you? this has nothing to do with you at all and all your weak dh.

dreading he wants you to message his friends on FB and tell them? Oh dear, oh dear, I agree with expat, he is a big girl's blouse!

He needs to grow a pair and defend you, fgs! He was kissed by this Julie whether he reciprocated or not is another matter but why should anyone be pussyfooting around her.

If she did bring it up at the wedding, I would be inclined to say in a clear and dignified voice. "Yes, I am a little wary of you, but give that you kissed my husband a few years ago, I think I am entitled to feel that way, don't you?"

Then watch her go puce!

Oh dear. It sounds very complicated, OP. Since you all have to be at the wedding together, I'd probably suggest that DH contacts her to meet somewhere and then both of you show up. You can have it out with Julie then before the wedding and everybody knows where they are.

Your husband sounds a little bit wet... he should really tackle this head on as it isn't nice for you as his wife.

If she brought it up at the wedding I would be inclined to say "Yes, I am aware you made a pass at my husband, that is why I'm wary of you. And by the way, our friends are having a bet on which attached man you are going to make a pass at next. My money's on the groom"

But then, I have no shame.

OP... If you bring it up at the wedding, you'll run the risk of being thought worse of for 'spoiling it', particularly as it's not a current event.

If you must resolve it - do it beforehand or absolutely promise yourself that you won't do it on the day and ruin the wedding party.

To do it on the day would be inexcusable really.

Wow - thanks everyone for the advice! Didn't expect to get so many replies to my thorny problem.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - you are absolutely right it would be horrible to cause any kind of scene at the wedding. That is something I never intended to do although I was worrying that she might cause one.

However, if she said anything to me I might be tempted to have a cutting remark ready to shut her up.

chipmonkey - yes I know the suggestion to facebook his friends about it was silly. How weird would I look if I did that out of the blue? I think he was just trying to come up with ways for me to stop his friends thinking badly of me without him having to do anything at all!

Overall, I think the gist of what I'm reading is to rise above the situation as much as possible and don't let her impinge on my enjoyment of the day. If any confrontation is to be had, this should happen before the wedding to pre-empt any trouble from her. Try to persuade wet DH to man up and sort the situation out for me because it is of his making and he should be the one to do what he can to smooth it out for me. Also try to find out if there is more to the initial 'incident' that DH is worried will come out.

I just feel very aggrieved and that it is so unfair that she gets to go around complaining about me and that I currently have no way to set the record straight. But if DH does agree to talk to her, hopefully she'll stop that sharpish. I'm just hoping that at some point DH's friends and/or their OH's actually ask me about it because I'll be quite happy to tell them why I don't want us to have anything to do with her.

Dreadingwedding I really think that it would be a good idea to show your DH this thread. I think he needs to see that what he sees as acceptable behaviour, would not be seen as acceptable by other people. Hopefully, it might make him think about the potential upset his actions/lack of action is causing. Actually, I can't believe he is showing such little regard for your feelings. He needs to address his priorities, and quickly!

There could be another strategy in that you sit next to her at the wedding and be her new 'best friend' really friendly and chatty etc to show you have no issues with her? And her boyfriend perhaps(now I am getting mean) If the lack of contact comes up blame your husband?

Dreadingwedding... please explain to your DH exactly that last scenario (someone asking and you explaining what happened), because if it happens in front of Julie, and your DH hasn't been completely true, you risk a very, very uncomfortable situation. Imagine this:

One of your friends: "You know DreadingWedding, I wonder why you have been so unpleasant to Julie all this time"
You: "Well, I am glad you bring it out, actually she had the guts to make a pass and kiss my DH shortly before our wedding, the bitch. Fortunately, he rejected her."
Julie: "Excuse me??? Is that what he has told you? What a bastard. Well, now that we are all here, you may like to hear what REALLY happened. DreadingWedding's DH, why don't you tell your DW about the saucy story with the thong and the rabbit?"

I am not saying in any case that anything else than what your DH told you DID happen. But you better be very, very sure there is nothing else there, because Julie is the last person, and that wedding the last situation, in which you will want to hear any uncomfortable truth.

I have not read all the responses and am sure you've had some fab advice.

My two pence worth is this.

The fucking Julies of this world thrive off being a threat and making other women jealous. If you make it known what she did, there's a chance she'll just deny or say your DH led her on (hence his being so cagey about it). All the time, she'll enjoy your discomforture and herself being centre of attention.

If it was me - and I've been in a similar situation - I would be friendly to her. Don't give her the chance to rile you. And if the issue comes up why DH doesn't stay in touch? Tell everyone he finds her a bit full on and tedious. He was just using you as an excuse not to have to turn up to her birthday, etc, not great, but the most gallant way he could think of not staying in touch with her without hurting her feelings. You went along with it because the friendship really didn't matter to you either way and you too thought it better to spare her feelings.

Take her down a peg or two. Your DH owes you, so he would have to go along with it.

Not read the thread, wholly but as far have not seen anyone suggest it maybe because it was more than that?

If they have apologies. There is no excuse really for him not sticking up for you and making it known why. You two are not at fault, why the huge cover up, why would he expect you to move on and forget it?

Unless it's convienient for him and he's lying and more happened. His story makes him out to be very noble, too noble, dont you think?

I think he is scared of getting caught, hence why he wants you to drop it, sorry.

"Since then, she has texted him to ask why he defriended her and why he didn't come to her birthday and he replied that I did not want him to."

your husband is pathetic. truly pathetic.

Julie is only incidental to this problem. A decent man would not have replied as he did. In fact, he would either not have replied at all, or just replied curtly to say that he no longer wanted any contact with her.

Getting him to "defriend" her on FB was a silly thing to do. All this situation required was quietly dropping her, not making dramatic gestures. But too late for that.

But to know that people are gossiping about you (through his fault) and to refuse to stick up for you is really shit.

To ask you to let bygones be bygones with a woman who is threatening you right now is unspeakable.

Has he no honour? No integrity?

He is the only person who can sort this out.

He doesn't need to drag up the past, all he needs to do is make it clear to all of his friends that you are not paranoid, that he loves and supports you, and that he and Julie are not friends through his choice. Nobody needs to know the whys and wherefores.

But it is very important that you not be forced into a situation of going to a social event with a group of people who think badly of you because he started gossip about you and won't defend your good name.

How can you respect him?

He sounds like a slug.

Meant to add, if anyone mentions the kiss, laugh, roll your eyes and say, "Blimey, she's/you're not still going on about that are you?!" Don't give her or anyone else the power to know this hurt you, even if it did.

Look, there's a chance that you'll learn some uncomfortable info if your DH wasn't completely honest, but that's going to happen whatever you say or react, so that's why I'm suggesting this approach. I am very wary of giving DH's friends and his Julie any reason to think there's disharmony between us, I think they feed off it.

For what it's worth, my DH left me in a somewhat invidious position with regard to our "Julie", and, believe me, we've had chapter and verse on the various goings on, but I do believe his general rubbish behaviour was a result of his non-confrontational personality, not wanting to have a big falling out amongst his friends and not wanting to give me a reason to hate him, even if the latter back-fired a bit, because I did for a while. Only you can say what you think his motivation was for keeping this secret.

reluctant has it spot on, that is without doubt the way to go.

The fucking julies of this world need to be taught a lesson!

Just wanted to add, the other WAGS in the group may be far more aware of Julie than you think.

I have a group of friends where one of the women really has no shame when it come s to trying to get it on with some of the lads (funnily enough I stay well clear)

However if I heard that apparently Jane had told her husband Peter to stay away from (our) Julie I would snort and think "I can guess what has happened there".

You may find that your friends will have a good idea of what has happened without you having to say a word.

BUT your DH really needs to stop the "I can;t see you because my DW told me not to" rubbish. If that is mentioned then I would say, "oh no, it is entirely DH's decision not to see her, she was his friend" and leave it at that