Dreading a friend's wedding - complicated - help!

[dreadingwedding]

Sorry - this is a long one but it's quite a complicated story. I have name changed for this.

I am in a very awkward situation and I don't know what to do (if anything) about it. I have been with my DH for nearly 11 years now and we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this year. He has a group of friends who have all known each other for years - most since school. About 7 years ago a girl - I'll call her Julie - appeared in the group who was quite a "tomboy" type who was one of those girls who are friends with blokes more than girls. When I first met her she revealed to me that she was in love with one of DH's friends who had a girlfriend at the time and proceeded to slag his girlfriend off and generally made it clear that being in love with him was the reason she was hanging around the group, hoping for a chance with him. Time passed and the friend in question split up with his girlfriend but still didn?t want to go out with Julie and has since met and married someone else.

DH moved away from the town his other friends lived in but remained friends with rest of his group there, including Julie, and used to see her on nights out every now and then when he was visiting his home town and a few times even stayed at her house.

Julie stayed friends with the group over the years but at a distance because she eventually moved away from where they all lived and only saw them sporadically.

Anyway, DH told me about 18 months ago that on one of the occasions he had stayed at Julie's house, she had made a pass at him, kissed him, but he put a stop to it. This incident had happened when DH and I had been together nearly 5 years and shortly before our wedding, I think. Obviously I was annoyed that he had not told me at the time but even more annoyed at her because it was so disrespectful to me to make a play for my man and then act as if nothing had happened - she even visited us at our house shortly after our first child was born. At the point DH told me this, he hadn't seen Julie for a long time but he had just received an invitation via facebook to go to her birthday night out. I said that I would rather he didn't go and visit her and that he defriended her on facebook and had nothing more to do with her. He agreed to do this.

Since then, she has texted him to ask why he defriended her and why he didn't come to her birthday and he replied that I did not want him to.

He didn't go to her birthday this year either despite her inviting him via other friends. Some mutual friends spoke to DH afterwards saying that she spent all night moaning to them about me stopping DH from being her friend. She called me insecure and said that I must think she's a threat. However, she didn't reveal to the mutual friends that I had a good reason for being angry with her as she doesn?t know that I know she kissed my husband. DH didn?t tell his friends this fact either so they all probably do think I'm being unreasonable and keeping him from being her friend for no good reason.

Now some mutual friends are getting married and I found out this weekend that we are going to be sat at the same table as Julie and her new boyfriend. Julie texted DH out of the blue to say that she was fed up of me being pathetic and seeing her as a threat and that if I so much as gave her a look at the wedding she was going to kick off. I will have my 4 year old DD and will also have a 3 month old DD with me so obviously she won't look too good if she does this. I think DH ignored this text.

So that's the situation I'm in. I'm dreading this wedding now because I don't know what is going to happen. I just want Julie to stay away from us and leave me alone but am aware she must be running me down to all of our mutual friends saying that she hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm just insecure. But no one except Julie, DH and I know that she kissed him and that I have every right to want her to have nothing to do with our family. Even she doesn't know that I know as DH has kept quiet about it and wants to let "sleeping dogs lie" and not "rake it all up again" by mentioning it to her or any of our other friends. I have not said a single bad thing about her to anybody and nobody has asked me why I have a problem with her but they must all be wondering what is going on and why I have frozen her out of our lives.

What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I'm almost tempted to stay away from the wedding completely but I really want to be there for my friends and don?t want her to think she has won. DH says he would rather not go to the wedding than take any action whatsoever e.g. in telling her to back off and that I know she kissed him. But the person getting married is DH's best friend so we really do have to go.

Sorry, but I had also thought what Ingles2 and nje have said. I just can't understand the reluctance to tell his friends what she did unless there is more to it that he's trying to keep covered. You really do have to have this out with him properly. If nothing happened then there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't grow a pair and tell the bride and groom exactly why the two of you don't want this Julie (sounds delightful, by the way ) anywhere near you. Forget all this "let sleeping dogs lie", it all needs sorting out, and if there is really nothing more to it than the fact that SHE made a pass at HIM then the cow needs putting in her place. Why is everyone tiptoeing round her?!

well, fwiw - I think you SHOULD let sleeping dogs lie.

Whatever happened was a long time ago, the wedding is just one day.

I would just go to the wedding, hold your head up why and know yourself why you don't want to have anything to do with her and that when it came down to it, your DH has been happy to cut all contact with her.

If she pushes it, just tell her that you simply don't like her very much and neither does your DH anymore. If she contests that, just say that you don't like people that make passes at other people's husbands.

Maybe be prepared for the fact that your DH might have responded to her pass a little bit, so if she does say that, you don't go off at the deep end. You can just say "well he's not with you now, is he?"

Hmmmmmm - when he first told me about the 'incident', I made a point of saying that if there was anything more to it he should tell me there and then and we would deal with it but he insisted that was all that happened.

Maybe he did respond a bit when she kissed him and is worried that she'll say so. I'd rather he just told me, if that was the case. Not sure how I'd feel about it so hope it isn't true...

It doesn't change the fact that we should be able to separate ourselves from this woman if we want to and no matter what fuss she causes, she can't make DH be friends with her. It's not like he's even bothered about not seeing her - it's not like they were ever best mates.

I think maybe she likes the role that she has cast herself in as the woman I see as a 'threat' who through no fault of her own is just too sexy to be allowed to be friends with my DH.

Sorry but it also occurred to me that you might not yet have heard the whole story. I don't understand why - if it's a straight choice between properly defending his wife (by advising friends what's really been going on so she's not thought of as a paranoid killjoy) or "keeping the peace" with a bit of a man eater who he hasn't seen in yonks - that he'd choose the 2nd option. After all, surely he should care more about his wife's feelings than someone who's a distant acquaintance and who allegedly behaved badly. It should be a done deal. The only reason I can think of why he doesn't want to "rake over" things is because there's more to it and he's scared that this woman will shoot her mouth off.

I tell you what though, this Julie character sounds like a piece of work! Really, its a shame you have to worry yourself over what she thinks of you - she actually sounds rather poisonous and obnoxious.

I would also tell the bride and groom quietly why you don't want to be near her. Maybe unknown to you she has made passes to other men in the group?

But I would also want my DH to stick up for me more. Maybe tell him all the stuff coming out here? See how he reacts.

I also rather think that he is hoping you will call off going to the wedding, as he is more guilty than all that.

Sadly, when caught out, people tend to tell the minimum they can get away with. She sounds like a complete asshole and I'm sure he's very embarrassed to have had anything to do with her, but she can't be allowed to continue wielding this power.

You need to take charge and tell your H that you will be going, will be telling the bride and groom in advance, including that she has made threats (preferably by showing them the text she sent to your H so they can see this isn't just something made up by you - or any other nasty correspondence you still have).

But before all that you need to have a good, long, hard talking to your H and remind him that when you see her, it is all likely to come out, so if there is anything else to know then you need to know in advance so you can prepare yourself, as you will not tolerate being told truths by her that he has omitted so far to save his own bacon under the guise of protecting you - tell him that continuing to keep secrets would fatally undermine your trust in him and your marriage, so if there is anything to know he needs to man up and let it out.

Remind him you have a strong marriage and likely as not this was a big mistake that has taught him a lot about how much he values you and how, no matter how great flattery made him feel, the grass is not greener elsewhere - it just looks that way but tastes like crap and gives you serious indigestion for a very long time after, as he has discovered!

TBH if you are still making a huge fuss over one kiss FIVE YEARS ago then maybe you are a bit paranoid and clingy. The more you sulk and whine and refuse to go on group outings because she's there, the more this woman feels like she's 'won'. Your H married you. You;ve barely seen Julie over the years. THe only way to deal with someone like her is by polite, cheerful indifference. So go to the wedding, be civil to her, and stop making such a huge drama out of it all when there's no need.

Your DH should be telling your friends the real reason why you are pissed off with her. Why won't he?

I have to say I agree with the other posters. If my DH was refusing to mention this to anyone or to tell her that you know, I would start getting very suspicious as to why?
I think there may be more to this than he has admitted.

, that's DH's opinion I think SGB.

But to be fair to me I haven't known about it for 5 years. I only found out 18 months ago. So I haven't been sulking and avoiding her for 5 years.

It's not like we see her ever anyway. This wedding is the first time really since I have known about the kiss that we're likely to see her. I haven't avoided any group events because she has moved away also and is never at any group events.

I think it is because the wedding is coming up that she has started going on about the situation to our mutual friends.

Sounds like your DH has been trying have an easy life by making it 'your' fault that he doesn't see her any more. If she genuinely made an unwelcome approach to him then he probably wouldn't want to see more of her in any case. Nonetheless, you're his wife, he has respected your wishes not to contact her so far, and even if he did respond to the kiss a little bit and is afraid of being caught out, it sounds like he's dedicated to you, if a little bit head-in-the-sand about it all.

She sounds like a bit of a drama queen, especially with hitting on attached men in her social situation. She's probably insecure. You shouldn't let her spoil the wedding day (not for you, and certainly not for the bride and groom), so just avoid her if possible. I bet she'll approach you though!

If you can manage it, I would play it very calmly and coldly - don't rise to the bait, just say something alone the lines of how it's a little bit pathetic that she still cares about all of that when she has a new boyfriend, and that you and your husband have decided that it's best to stay away from 'friends' who don't understand boundaries or respect existing relationships. If you can pull off some sort of withering and pitying expression she will look like a bit of dick if she 'kicks off' and you (quite rightly!) will look like the reasonable party.

Seriously, just keep in your mind how pitiful it is that she tried it on with your other half (especially in context of pursuing one, if not more of the blokes in his friendship group) and remember that you have acted very reasonably. To me, it sounds like your DH needs to man up a bit, but I'd recommend refusing to buy into the whole drama, which is clearly what she wants.

what prompted your DH to tell you about the kiss so long after it happened!?

You need to contact her and tell her that you "know what went on between her and DH". That way, if there is more to the story than he has told you, it is possible that she may tell you, thinking you already know. Also, this should stop her from slagging you off to everyone.

Please stop being a martyr. You should not have to take the blame for this.

Exactly what I was wondering DF If DH wants to still be friends with this girl, why did he tell you about the kiss?

TBH, I don't think this situation has been handled in the best way. I totally understand that after what DH has told you, you feel uncomfortable at the idea of him socialising with her especially if you are not there, but there are more subtle ways to avoid her. I think defriending her on fb was unnecessarily dramatic. And I don't think DH should have told her the real reason for not going to her birthday. He could have just fobbed her off with some other excuse.

Julie sounds like a pretty sad, desperate person, and I can't see that she is any real threat to you or your marriage. At the same time DH needs to realise how manipulative she is (does he not object to his friend calling his wife 'pathetic'?) and that if she put him in a compromising situation before, she is well capable of doing it again.

If she does 'kick off' at the wedding she will just make a complete fool of herself. Again, I can completely understand why you don't want to sit at the same table as her, but otherwise you should be able to avoid her and maybe even have a good time? She is beneath your notice.

DuelingFanjo - it just came up when we were discussing her one night. I think he regrets telling me now as he likes a quiet life and probably thinks I'm being awkward now.

I'm not sure contacting her is an option as she was never my friend in the first place so I have never been in touch with her and have only met her a handful of times. I suppose I could find her mobile number from DH's phone and text her but as I have tried to stay aloof so far thought this might be a bit like sinking down to her level.

As I said in the OP I have never made a fuss about her to anyone, have never run her down to DH's friends, have never even spoken about her to them. The only thing I did was try to break contact with her, which I thought was a reasonable response at the time.

The only fuss that has been made so far is by her about me.

I think part of the problem is that DH's friends all really like her so it's not like she's some unstable unwanted hanger-on in the group. They all think she's lots of fun and have known her for years.

I am having second thoughts about mentioning her to the bride as again that would seem like I'm being drawn into it and it's one thing she doesn't want to be worrying about in the run up to her wedding... although I'm sure Julie has already been bending her ear about it.

I think just rising above it is the way to go? But will double check with DH about the exact circs of the 'incident' because I would really not like it if there was something I didn't know that came out later.

If all else fails (although i would be inclined to ask to be seated somewhere else and explain why) just show her how amazingly happy you are with you DH and DD, only proving you don't give a toss.

I think its fairly obvious who the insecure one is, women who make passes specifically at other women's husbands just to validate there attractiveness are pathetic, especially if there given the brush off.

I cannot imagine dh reacting calmly to a text from ANYONE calling me pathetic though. That is out of order on her part and he's within his rights to just text back saying "please don't call my wife pathetic" and leave it at that.

Agree with the others DH needs to sort this out.

And Julie is a cow who you should accidentally spill a drink over

Yep. Am afraid to say that as I read your OP I had the same thought as Ingles. His responses don't ring true - until you put them in the light of him being afraid of the truth coming out. Sorry because I know this is the last thing you want to hear.

Hah, I'm reminded of my friend who was telling me about her male friend's dreadfully insecure, possessive wife. (My apologies to those who've read it before as I know I've recounted it at least once.) There was this incident at a party where a woman asked him to roll a dodgy cigarette for her and the wife went all over the top and demanded they went home immediately. I said well, if someone asked my DH to roll a dodgy fag I'd kick off as well, and why couldn't she roll her own - and then I twigged. The woman was you, wasn't it? I asked. Yes it was. But, I said, you were having an affair with her husband. That's not the point, said my friend. She didn't know that, so she should have trusted him.

One of the original "words fail me" moments.