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Original poster

Why do people get married

58 replies

blondegirl1979 · 09/02/2011 12:22

I'm fairly new to this site, but I have a genuine question for anyone who was interested enough to read my post, and that is: Why do people get married ?

Almost every post on here results in the op being told/suggested to leave the husband, women (in general) seem to all suspect their husband of something whether founded or unfounded.

So that is my question, I understand marrying for religious beliefs, which doesnt get mentioned to much on here actaully.

I myself (and this is only my opinion) do not see the need for marrage, I spent 10 years with someone and we didnt get married, we had a joint mortgage, which I think shows as much comitment to the relationship as marrage would have.

I'm not looking to start an arguement here, am just after opinions, and wonder if maybe this will help some people to remember why it is they got married in the first place.

Anyway, thanks for your time !

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 09/02/2011 12:28

Journalist??

I do see where you're coming from and I kind of feel the same way. Marriage just seems like a big, old patriarchal institution with indelible ties to religion.

I don't know that I ever want to be part of the institution of 'marriage'. What would be ideal for me is if they made civil partnerships legal for heterosexual couples, so you get all the legal protection, etc without all the old fashioned and unrealistic ideas about romance and ownership and sacrosanctity (is that even a word?).

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 12:33

Marriage means different things to different people.

I got married as it was a romantic comittment to my wife. to say I am yours forever. (if women on here had thier way we would be split cause i am a horrible man - only joking but you know what i mean).

Also it offers legal protection etc.

I was also against marriage but then I found the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 09/02/2011 12:34

I'm not a journalist ! Just that there seems a lot of negativity within marriage which I have noticed since reading the posts, and it got me thinking. Again, this is only my opinion (some people take things very literally on here). Ive always been a bit nosy, and just wondered what other peoples views were thats all. I am aware though, that very few people come on here to tell others how happy they are, which perhaps is a shame.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/02/2011 12:34

I got married because I wanted to be married.

It mattered to me. It still does.

My personal belief system involves marriage before children. I make no judgement about people who feel differently, it is not a competiton or a 'my way is right, your way is wrong' thing. It is an individual choice.

See, you are new, but I have been here long enough to know that you have to be VERY clear when expressing opinion on certain subjects. Grin

Also, being married means, to me, being wanted. Belonging. Being able to say to the world Look! I am worth loving.

Now this is not to say that people who are not married are not worth loving Grin it is because of how I have always felt about myself that to me, the idea of being married was somehow proof that I was loveable.

That was the theory, anyway Grin

expatinscotland · 09/02/2011 12:35

Good for you.

ethelina · 09/02/2011 12:38

I chose to get married because to me its the ultimate commitment to a man I truly love, and who truly loves me.

Although we never set to get married particularly, once we did I was really surprised at how complete we felt as a unit.

I love being married, I love being Mrs,I am extremely proud of my husband and I never want that to change. Its who I am. Smile

Kewcumber · 09/02/2011 12:39

"wonder if maybe this will help some people to remember why it is they got married in the first place" thats very thoughtful of you, given that you don't appear to beleive marriage is important.

I had a joint mortgage with my ex-flatmate. I don't think we felt it required us to be faithful to each other and support each other for life Confused

I can think of loads of reasons why people would want to be married and loads why they would not want to be married anymore. Do you want me to list them or is this only meant to be a marriage guidance thread? (Am not married btw)

JoyceBarnaby · 09/02/2011 12:45

I am married to my DH because I love him and I wanted to make a lifelong commitment to him. I believe he feels the same way about me.

The legal benefits were definitely a bonus to us, but not a primary reason for marriage.

When we got married, many people thought it was because we wanted to have kids straight away. They thought that must be the main reason for wanting to get married. We didn't want to have kids straight away and enjoyed 7 years of married life before DS came along. So many people couldn't understand we just wanted to be married!!

yama · 09/02/2011 12:51

In case one of us dies.

Lots of other fluid reasons but that one never changes. Well, hopefully not for a long, long time.

TobyLerone · 09/02/2011 12:52

The whole 'being married is a way for me to show off the fact that a man wants me' thing makes me very uneasy.

I'm not married. I've been married. I would marry my boyfriend if he asked me, but on the other hand I would be entirely unbothered if he never asked me, just as long as we were together.

slug · 09/02/2011 12:53

For legal reasons. My child and I are in a far better married to her Father than we would be if I wasn't. That and the Home Office insisted.

mozette · 09/02/2011 12:55

Legal Reasons - much cheaper than sorting out wills, parental responsibility etc. We will get wills eventually.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/02/2011 12:56

Is that in response to me, Toby? Apologies if not, but I can't see another post that describes in any way feeling like you need to prove something to the world.

I would like to point out that it is not to 'show off'. What I was actually describing was not 'showing off' but actually complex feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence and desire to be loved. That is an entirely different thing from showing off.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 09/02/2011 12:57

Kewcumber, I was asking out of interest....so I'm not sure the sarcasm was needed, everyone else so far has managed with out it.

OP posts:
Restrainedrabbit · 09/02/2011 12:57

Hmmm well I was widowed ten years ago and it would have been a 100 x more complicated if we had just been living together i.e. 40% inheritance tax and so on. The law does not recognise 'common law' spouses. Doesn't change what I feel for DH2 but it makes us both more secure in the event of some misfortune.

mozette · 09/02/2011 12:57

Toby why do you have to wait until he asks you? If you want to be married to him, ask him!

mousymouse · 09/02/2011 12:57

for legal reasons mainly. we were happy before, together for a long time, but when the first dc came along I wanted the legal security that marriage gives.

yama · 09/02/2011 12:58

That's the way I took what you wrote Hecate - personal to you.

Kewcumber · 09/02/2011 13:00

no sarcasm wasn't needed, but given freely anyway. Feel free to ignore my (serious) ponts as they aren't couched as you would have prefered.

Kendodd · 09/02/2011 13:02

When I got married all of our friends lived together without being married and a lot of people did as us that question. It seemed as if the stigma of being unmarried had almost reversed itself. I would reply that - "DH and I loved each other just a little bit more than you and your partner love each other" Grin

batman47555 · 09/02/2011 13:02

to start taking the peas out of the jar !!!!

nickelbabe · 09/02/2011 13:12

I wanted to marry DH because I love him and wanted to show a commitment to him that was life-long.

I wanted the legal security that comes
i wanted the emotional security
i wanted to be a family with him (and hopefully any children that come along)
i wanted to belong to him, and him to me.

I also wanted to cement my relationship in the eyes of God.
and have someone who would look after me until one of us dies (but I won't be impressed if he dies first Hmm )

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 09/02/2011 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlingLoving · 09/02/2011 13:26

and of course threads on here are about bad marriages. It's not often I start a thread to say, "DH and I are so loved up and he is the best" because that's not what this is for. I come on here when I have a problem or an issue.

I got married because I believe the committment is about more than just him and I - it's a legal, familial, community based thing. And there is no doubt that I feel more committed, more stable and more secure married to him than I did when I wasnt.

youngblowfish · 09/02/2011 13:27

Someone once said: happy love has no story. Perhaps that is the reason why threads in Relationships can be so depressing - if you have a loving, supporting partner and are in a healthy relationship with normal ups and downs, you have little reason to post. Hence the impression that so many marriages/relationships are bad. I still want to believe, despite some bitter second-hand experiences to the contrary, that actually the majority of marriages/partnerships are good and supportive.

I don't profess to know why others get married, I got married because it mattered to me. There are downsides, such as actually having to organise the wedding itself and participate in it, but we wanted to have children and I wanted his surname. In our (still patriarchal) society, marriage offers women and children legal protection. Should something happen to either of us, we have mutual entitlement to our pensions/life insurance/savings, not to mention the house.

For me, marriage was not a romantic commitment and I did not need it to feel loved, as I felt emotionally stable and secure throughout our relationship. However, it made sense for practical reasons and I am happy we have done it.

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