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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told him I was going to see a solicitor

98 replies

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 15:09

because I feel like he just doesn't care about me. It doesn't matter how many times I have spoken to him and poured out my heart, he just doesn't 'hear me' or perhaps he genuinely 'doesn't want to hear me'. We have hardly spoken all weekend and we have a friend staying with us. Now DH is telling me I have made him feel unwelcome and made his life miserable. How can that be, both DH and friend have virtually ignored me anyway and if DH was so bothered about anything he would have made a concentrated effort to include me and jolly up the atmosphere. As far as I am concerned the only atmosphere has been that me and Dh are not talking but that takes two people not just me. They have all gone out to cinema now along with my 2 DC. I feel too sad to have gone, and I also saw said film myself this week and when DH said are you coming I said no, you don't care if I do or not, he basically confirmed it and thats when I said I would see a solicitor this week. I nastily said I would take him for half his 'empire' too, churlish I know but I am in so much pain. He continually tells me 'you will never be happy', all I want is his love and affection and I would be fine but we live as brother and sister. He always turns things wrong so that I am the one who has a problem. He tells me he is just getting on with his life! He doesn't take me out, we don't have sex and he shows no affection whatsoever. I am sitting here with my heart breaking, I really do not want to go so why does he just ignore me.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 16:12

Do you mind if I play devils advocate here.

Right, so they have gone to the cinema, and you were invited but you said no. Did you go to the cinema by yourself?

Reading your posts, you sound like you are expecting him to put all the effort in. I could be wrong, but that is the message that comes out of your post.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 16:43

bubblewrapped, that is so not the case. I put in plenty of effort. I had already seen the film this week with a friend, and everyone was saying do you really want to see it again, why don't you go and see something else etc etc. If my DH was telling me he was unhappy I would be doing my utmost to try and fix things, he on the other hand just quotes 'you will never be happy' and if I don't like it then why do I stay and put up with it , so its not quite like I am expecting him to do everything is it.

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bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 16:48

Ok then.. it does sound like he isnt putting much effort in.

How long have you been together? Has he always been so emotionally cold?

My own husband used to be very detached and not very affectionate. When I tried to sort it out his reaction was pretty much the same, (he did drink a fair bit back then which I think affected his moods). I felt pretty much like you do I think.

It took me walking out, and him realising I had no intentions of coming back for him to change. I left him for 4 months. He went to counselling as the problems were very deep and related to him losing his brother in a car crash many years before. The counselling worked, he made and effort, and 7 years later, we are better than ever.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 16:56

really happy for you bubblewrapped but in the back of my mind I cant help thinking he would rather let me go and keep his pride in tact. We have been married over 23yrs and he has been cold for the last 7, which incidentally follows when I had pnd and two young children and he was not having a sex life with me. Now he doesn't want one with me

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 17:14

So long as he isnt having one with anyone else, then there can be plenty of underlying reasons that he just doesnt feel able to explain.

Men often dont deal well with depression, and see it as a sign of their own weakness. He could be pushing you away because he thinks you dont want him.

I think you have 3 choices. One would be for both of you to agree that you do want the relationship to work and that you will both do something towards making it work.

Two would be for you to leave, but that is unfair on you when it is your home too and also that is disruptive on the kids.

Three, carry on as it is, but shut yourself off emotionally from him, and live your own life.

Or, tell him, if he isnt happy, then he should go.

I do feel for you, it must be very heartbreaking and he is being unfair, but if there is an underlying problem that he is trying to hide, then if he can face that, and do something to sort it out, there is every chance of you getting it back on track I would say.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 17:25

Thats the problem, he never says what he wants. Unless I try and have a talk, he just lives his own life and when I do ask I get little in return except 'i am getting on with my life'. Its like he has shut me out but continues to live here and provide for us. He will not open his heart and therefore I guess and hurt myself.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 17:31

Hmmmm... is it possible, that when you had PND, you told him to "get on with his life"... I am not defending him, just wondering if in his daft head he has taken that to heart, and is unable to see that you were ill at that time and didnt mean it?

The reason I say that is my husband sounds oh so freakily similar to yours in this way. I cant exactly remember what I said, but he not only misheard it, but took it to heart totally, and was very cold to me for months.. I never knew why, and no amount of me asking him would get me an explanation. He would just say "you know". I genuinely didnt know. After we got back together, and after he had the counselling (he had a nervous breakdown after I left.. and he fully admits that he drove me to leave him too).. he opened up and told me what I had "said". The counselling made him realise that bottling things up was the worst thing to do.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 17:44

Oh dear, what it takes sometimes for people to see whats really important. Not a great experience for either of you. My DH also keeps it all bottled up, he never shares his feelings. He is also a very revengeful person and if someone upsets him he will guarantee to 'pay them back'. I guess thats what he is doing to me but 7 years???? It seems to have become a habit, I am kept at arms length permanently. He would not go for counselling, I do believe he will let me go. It is heartbreaking, we have the most wonderful children and want and need for nothing (except each other!)

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bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 17:54

We had no children, so my situation was a lot easier to walk away from.

For what its worth, I bet he wouldnt just let you go, but he probably thinks you wouldnt do it. Mine didnt think I would. I think the shock of that jolted him out of his world of self pity.

Do you have a relative who you could go to stay with, so that you could gauge his reaction if you left him?

I do believe that people can live happily in a marriage without sex, or with very little sex, but the vital thing is love and companionship, and respect for each others feelings. It doesnt sound like your husband is doing his fair share of the bargain at all.

Dont threaten him with a solicitor (he may think that all you are bothered about is making sure you are financially secure), (again some men can have a much more materialistic way of looking at things rather than emotional), even though I can understand the frustration.

StuffingGoldBrass · 06/02/2011 18:10

What does he think he's 'paying you back' for? Were you particularly horrible when you had PND, and were you and he not given much support in terms of helping you recover?

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 20:37

he wouldn't acknowledge I even had pnd, i virtually raised my 2 DC alone, there is no family around. No I was not horrible to him, I just did have sex as often as he wanted. Came back from cinema earlier and totally ignored me. I made dinner, everyone ate, me and the friend chatted on and off and now they have gone to the pub, DH didn't tell me where he was going and didn't say bye either. My son asked him where he was going. I am obviously going to get the silent treatment now unless I try and talk and then he will throw it all in my face and take no blame himself.

Bubblewrap, I'm glad your DH came to his senses, I have no belief that my DH would if I walked out and no I have nowhere to go. My heart, again, is shattered. I keep going because deep down in the depths of my heart I cannot believe that he doesn't care. I am a FOOL

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StuffingGoldBrass · 06/02/2011 21:13

DO you think he has decided to punish you for seven years because you were less interested in sex than previously, due to your PND? That's fairly unpleasant behaviour. Though I am rather sorry for both of you if you have lived in this kind of cold war state for seven years without either trying to fix the problem or one of you saying, 'Sod it, I've had enough, let's negotiate a split'.
Or is it that things have been grumpy but bearable for most of that time and the situation has recently deteriorated? If it's the latter, can you pinpoint when and have you any idea what triggered it?

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 21:25

I cant pinpoint anything specific other than I take so much neglect for so long and then talk to him again and say what I am feeling. Like I feel neglected, you don't have time for me, etc and thats when he says, 'go then if you are not happy', which in turn makes me feel even more unhappy and craving his attention. He thinks I am selfish in as much as I am always thinking 'of me', well of course I am because I am always hurting whilst he goes about his daily life apparantly quite happy. He promised he would not touch me again a few years ago, he has pretty much kept to that except for a handful of occasions and on each of those I did not refuse him.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/02/2011 21:28

OP, are you the frequent name changer whose H earns a fortune and disengaged from your relationship years ago - and is parsimonious about buying things for the house?

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 21:33

yes

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/02/2011 21:37

Well, for once in your life, carry out your threat and do go and see a solicitor. I'm amazed this is still going on, after all those threads and getting the same advice each time.

StuffingGoldBrass · 06/02/2011 21:41

Oh right. Sorry OP but you really haveto shit or get off the pot here.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 21:44

I still love him

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/02/2011 21:46

But he doesn't love you and he's unspeakably cruel to your daughter.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 21:56

He said he was so hurt by her thats why he ignored her, he couldn't talk to her, he has not ever been mean to the DC before. I still love him because I KNOW, underneath his hard exterior, he is a very good man, he just can't be emotional and that in turn hurts me because I want, need, his emotional love, support etc. I am not making excuses for him though perhaps it sounds like it. He genuinely believes he is very good to me and I am never happy. I just want to be treated like a wife, to be held, to be loved, to have an intimate relationship. What makes a person BELIEVE that their partner no longer loves them or wants to be with them??? I am having a very hard job believing it because he doesn't said it. Does this make sense. I know I have come on here time and time again and I do so when I am at my lowest point. So sorry WWIFN if you have heard it all before and have no sympathy for me, I am not here looking for sympathy but just to get it off my chest and maybe, just maybe, get some sort of advice from someone , something I have not thought of before.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/02/2011 22:02

I'm going to be really blunt with you. Having followed your threads and posted on them countless times (and only then when I recognise your story because you name change so often) I think you are failing your daughter.

On your other threads going back a long time, you have admitted that your H prefers his son to his daughter and that he has a problem with females, having been abandoned by one.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 22:04

WWIFN that is so unfair, I have NEVER said dh prefers his son, not ever. I have said he spends more time with him, a. because he is younger, b. he does boy stuff with him, c.my dd is at school 6 days a week. He loves them both the same. I am not failing her on that score at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 22:06

he was not deliberately abandoned by a female either. If you met DH in real life you would like him, me too for that matter.

OP posts:

Tortington · 06/02/2011 22:10

at the moment you have adopted a child 'ego' stamping your feet demanding that daddy gives you attention.

this is automatically putting him into the role of 'parent'

when you both need to just be adults.

i think this can only be achieved with help - you need to go to counselling.

Original poster

MoreTeaVicar · 06/02/2011 22:14

do you think so custardo? we tried relate 7 years ago but he gave up after a couple os sessions, he didnt want anyone else telling him what he should or should not do. I have seen a few counsllors along the way by myself. They tend to all say the same thing 'he is controlling', of course this is based on my side of the story only. I can put up with a lot of crap, yes I know that no-one should, but I could, would and have but I still need affection which I am not getting. I am not being like a demanding child, I am continually trying to get our marriage into a happy place

OP posts:

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