I told him I was going to see a solicitor

[MoreTeaVicar]

because I feel like he just doesn't care about me. It doesn't matter how many times I have spoken to him and poured out my heart, he just doesn't 'hear me' or perhaps he genuinely 'doesn't want to hear me'. We have hardly spoken all weekend and we have a friend staying with us. Now DH is telling me I have made him feel unwelcome and made his life miserable. How can that be, both DH and friend have virtually ignored me anyway and if DH was so bothered about anything he would have made a concentrated effort to include me and jolly up the atmosphere. As far as I am concerned the only atmosphere has been that me and Dh are not talking but that takes two people not just me. They have all gone out to cinema now along with my 2 DC. I feel too sad to have gone, and I also saw said film myself this week and when DH said are you coming I said no, you don't care if I do or not, he basically confirmed it and thats when I said I would see a solicitor this week. I nastily said I would take him for half his 'empire' too, churlish I know but I am in so much pain. He continually tells me 'you will never be happy', all I want is his love and affection and I would be fine but we live as brother and sister. He always turns things wrong so that I am the one who has a problem. He tells me he is just getting on with his life! He doesn't take me out, we don't have sex and he shows no affection whatsoever. I am sitting here with my heart breaking, I really do not want to go so why does he just ignore me.

Point taken Buda. I think what would happen is that either, a. DH would continue to live here and be even colder to me or, b. end the marriage. He has too much pride, he always has to be the victor.

WWIFN, leave my thread alone then, there is no need to threaten to 'sorely embarass me', nor am I leading new posters up the garden path. Nobody has to read my posts let alone answer them unless they want to. I have not been rude or negative to you so I would appreciate the same courtesy in response.

So, let him "win"

That means you win too

A win/win situation

Dont see it as winning AnyFucker, its just me bowing down, yet again.

No, MTV

You win when he ends the marriage

You don't want to end your marriage though do you ?

You want him to change into a person he is never going to be

So you stay and play Mrs Stepford Wife, whilst dying inside

Very sad to read, especially when it is plain to see that if you really wanted to get out, you could. I am referring to previous threads of yours in that last sentence, so if you would prefer I leave the thread too, just say the word

There is only so many ways you can keep asking the same question. Perhaps you get some comfort from posters who don't know your posting history, I don't know

but it's not actually helping you is it ?

No AnyFucker, I dont suppose to keep posting does help other than it is a place to come to to vent. Sorry to amyone who is sick of my woes, sadly, to me, they are real and for the moment unsurmountable. I just need a hug and to be told its ok, i will be ok, IYSWIM. I too will bow out, I feel no better than I did when I started this thread.

That is because you don't take any advice on board, love

How can we tell you it's ok ?

it's no ok

unil you accept that, you are not going to feel any better

wanting it badly enough, isn't going to make it happen, particularly since you are living with someone who is heavily invested in keeping the status quo and seems happy to use any means possible, to the detriment of your mental health

how can we pat you on the head and tell you it is fine to "just have a little vent" then send you on your merry way ?

it would be wrong to do that

My biggest wish for you is that you get "sick enough of your woes" to actually do something about it

your husband knows you are just playing at it

I expect he just laughed at your threats to see a solicior ?

Yes, on all counts. I dont mean for anyone to tell me its ok. I do come on here to vent, I have no place else to go, I come here because I am so alone. I know you are all trying to help.

We can't help you

You have to help yourself

It is very hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And you don't want to be helped. You want someone to wave a magic wand and turn your husband into a nice man who loves you. But we can't do that. Nobody can.

I remember some of your previous threads too but not in any great detail. What I do recall is that you have an answer for everything to do with your DH and and excuse for his behaviour. Therefore you are enabling him to treat you like this.

I suggest you get yourself some counselling. Not marriage counselling. Counselling for YOU. Then maybe you will figure out why you let him carry on this way and how you can change your mindset.

Damn, just re-read my previous post and find I left a double negative in. What I meant to say was that if he has a personality disorder he is unlikely to be able to change (or, likely to be unable to). That is in fact the definition of a personality disorder as opposed to an undesirable personality trait.

If he doesn't have one then he is choosing to act like this, which makes him not very nice.

the thing is, you can't be perfect. You are an adult, and adults are not perfect people.

Yes, probably your guest would be embarrassed if you asked them to go and stay in a hotel, and would think there was something wrong in your marriage. So you have a situation you dislike immensely in your house, and you will hold it against your dh, because you don't want to be seen as not having a good relationship and not being a perfect hostess.

I spent ages hoping that my XH would have an affair so that he would leave me and I could be the perfect victim. In fact, he loved me in his own way. I had to leave him and hurt him more deeply than i have ever hurt anyone. However, it was the right decision and the adult decision, and I have to live with the consequences, some good and some very bad, as adults do.

IMO you need therapy, with somebody extremely experienced and good. I think there is quite a potential for you to end up with a therapist who is completely wrong for you, and you will just stick it out because you don't want to end that relationship either, but I don't know how to guide you further on the therapeutic side. Maybe post a new thread about finding a therapist who will help you do some effective work?

reffering to your thread title.

then do it op.

RECOGNISE you can't change him.
RECOGNISE he doesn't wish to treat you kindly.

he does not have any faith in you as a strong human being. he is NOT the person he was, back then or whenever you thought he was a nice person.

I know it's scary, but just do it. Get angry, you DO have a right to be angry.

TBH I think you are locked in a particularly unhealthy dynamic in that some part of you is revelling in your martyr status. You like being poor little Patient Griselda whos H is so meeeeeean that strangers have to sympathise with you.
There are, unfortunately, one or two cultural myths that do feed this very sad and stupid mindset - that if you suffer and accept for long enough, you will be rewarded by the frog turning into the prince or whatever.
It's all bullshit, OP. Your H is not a very nice man and will never be a nicer one. Your only reward will be freedom when you get yourself out of that marriage, but the only person who can help you get out of it is you.

hmm, what sgb says is interesting. It may cut a little op, what she said there, but you can look at it as you have become entrenched in a role. A role that has become you, or you have become a role. Slowly and surely iyswim.

We all take on roles, to cope or whatever. Yet yours has become you so much you can 'feel' whats right can't you op, but can't see it through.

You need a positive 'next step'

GO TO A SOLICITOR. like you said.

How are you feeling today?

Thank you Buda, I am feeling more positive today. DH and I had a chat yesterday before said gusest arrived and cleared the air somewhat. When he does talk, not too often, its easier for me to see for the wood for trees. DH is being fine, not because guest is here but because he thinks I over react and take too literally what he says when he is not being malicious. He reminded me that he is not the lovey dovey sort of man I have always wanted and that he does want me as his wife and he does lots of other things to show his life (to be fair he does). Unfortunately for me when I get upset I get very OTT with it and then things are not in perspective. I have said on various other threads that DH has many qualities but his sarcasm is his biggest failing and I must learn to deal with it, I am not perfect and we do have a lot of good in our lives. I will be focusing on the positives from now on, they far outweigh the negatives in my life.

You can not change him, you can only change you.

You have manoeuvred yourself into a nice little spot between victim-hood and martyrdom, which gives you permission to do nothing. You say you are weak and fragile so find ways to be stronger, counselling is a very good place to start.

I don't know why he is an arse but I know why he continues to be, because you let him.

The only victims in this mess are your children because they don't have a choice, you do. You can fool yourself that you are protecting them but you aren't. By putting up with this you are teaching your children that this is OK, that its OK to be treated and to treat people like this.

He is responsible for treating you and your children badly but you are responsible for letting him. Putting up with this and staying is your choice.

No amount of us telling you that this situation is unacceptable will sway you, you have to find your own bottom.

I and the posters above me are not being unsympathetic, many of us have been in similar situations and totally understand the loneliness and the powerlessness of being treated appallingly. However, many of us have the benefit of hindsight, knowing that the real change happened when we took charge.

I think you know deep down that he won't change and the only way this situation will change, is if you change it.

P.S
The power in the ultimatums and threat lies in the probability of the follow through, it is a pointless weapon if he knows you -can't- won't follow through. Stop issuing them, because they only make you look more weak.

XH always used to have a nice little chat when he sensed I was getting to snapping point. For years I felt we were getting somewhere, turning a corner, at last he's seen the light etc. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that I was wilfully blinded by my own idiotic optimism for over 20 years.

Well fair enough then. No drama at the moment and no rush to leave or see solicitors etc.

But. I would still consider the counsellor. For YOU. Maybe you do over-react. Maybe you don't. But you sound to me like some counselling would really help you see the wood for the trees more clearly.

FWIW I am in a sexless marriage with a man who is not lovey-dovey either. But I feel loved. He puts me and our family unit first in lots of ways. Chose us over furthering his career for instance. Has to go out socially for work and travel for work but it is always the bare minimum as he wants to be with us. He hugs me. We talk. And we laugh. A lot. So although there is a huge issue in my marriage I know from seeing lots of others that I am loved.

I feel that we get a snapshot of things in your marriage and they lead us to judge your DH and you. A counsellor would be more able to see what is going on with YOU and help YOU figure things out for yourself about YOU and that would then lead on you sorting things out one way or another with your DH.

Otherwise we will all be here again in a few months.

Oh - you remind me a bit of my mother in some ways. She had this idea of what marriage to my father would be like. Straight out of a Mills and Boon romance. Funnily enough life is not like that. She was never satisfied with their marriage. And yet to others it was always clear that he loved her more than she thought and more than she loved him to be honest. They are now in their 70s and she has dementia. He is her rock and her carer. She is noticeably edgy if he is out.

OP you seem to be doing that classic thing of saying one thing when you mean another.

For example, when asked if you want to go to the cinema you reply "No - because you don't really mind if I go anyway". What did you really mean? I suspect you meant, I'd like to go but I need to know it's important to you that I'm there because I'm feeling a bit insecure and I feel I need reassurance that I am important in your life".

It's sort of the same psychology as a child who throws a tantrum because they really want attention.

Perhaps you need to try harder to say what you really mean rather than hope for secret signals / minds to be read.

See you in a couple of weeks, with another name change, but the same problems

Read what Annie wrote...that is you