I told him I was going to see a solicitor

[MoreTeaVicar]

because I feel like he just doesn't care about me. It doesn't matter how many times I have spoken to him and poured out my heart, he just doesn't 'hear me' or perhaps he genuinely 'doesn't want to hear me'. We have hardly spoken all weekend and we have a friend staying with us. Now DH is telling me I have made him feel unwelcome and made his life miserable. How can that be, both DH and friend have virtually ignored me anyway and if DH was so bothered about anything he would have made a concentrated effort to include me and jolly up the atmosphere. As far as I am concerned the only atmosphere has been that me and Dh are not talking but that takes two people not just me. They have all gone out to cinema now along with my 2 DC. I feel too sad to have gone, and I also saw said film myself this week and when DH said are you coming I said no, you don't care if I do or not, he basically confirmed it and thats when I said I would see a solicitor this week. I nastily said I would take him for half his 'empire' too, churlish I know but I am in so much pain. He continually tells me 'you will never be happy', all I want is his love and affection and I would be fine but we live as brother and sister. He always turns things wrong so that I am the one who has a problem. He tells me he is just getting on with his life! He doesn't take me out, we don't have sex and he shows no affection whatsoever. I am sitting here with my heart breaking, I really do not want to go so why does he just ignore me.

MTV i was rather taken with whoever said 'shit or get off the pot'

You have been doing this a long long time

Please look at your life - I am guessing you are 40ish? Is this what you want for the next 20 - 30 years? I am guessing not because you do a LOT of complaining about it. You are in charge of your own destiny. If you are not going to leave him then get some CBT and try changing YOURSELF that way because your husband is not going to change. I worry your lifestyle is too comfortable and this is what holds you together.

Clichés adorn this post i am afraid but 'this is not a rehearsal'
Act - one way or the other - before it's too late

So, today you can

A) Make the conscious choice of being unhappy for the rest of your life

B) Try and make a change for the better

Choose wisely.

MoldyWarp - I am mid 50s, he is a few years younger and yes, we have a very comfortable life.

Antlerqueen - I am not sitting back on my heels, I am seriously contemplating my future and although I have been here all this time doing pretty much the same, I know I have to continue thinking about our relationship.. Surely I will KNOW when the time is right to leave? At least that is what I am banking on because once I leave there will be no going back. Sometimes I think I have far too much to give up as DH has many, many qualities and other times I feel more than a little sad when I realise how other men treat their wives, its all so confusing. There are some absolute horrors out there and aside from DH controlling and sarcastic behaviour he is a good person. He just happens to make me feel like shit , see how damm screwed up I am, I still keep defending him. Its like I have unconditional love for him like you would a naughty child. Here comes the brigade to give me a bollocking again no doubt!

I am too sensitive for my own good so his words can hurt even though as he claims they are not meant to. Yes counselling is an option and I have been there a few times before, however, until I personally find the strength to change my circumstances, no amount of counselling is going to change it for me. All that has come of previous seession is that I should leave and I am well aware of that at times and then at other times for periods of time, all is ok again.

MTV - it's a vicious cycle of events. You talk and hope things will improve, things get better for a short while then everything goes back to how it was and it all starts again. I lived with a man who would promise to try and change and would make an effort for a few days then revert to type. He didn't understand why I wanted to leave him as in his eyes it was my behaviour that was unreasonable in expecting him to change his when we had kids. But I wasn't prepared to waste another 15 years being miserable.

I left a year ago and couldn't be happier. My kids couldn't be happier either.

Start planning. See that solicitor. Think about what you want.

I can vouch for therapy in this situation.
Over a year and a half of it to be precise (and counting).
I remember telling my therapist that I knew all the stuff that has made me the way I am. She explained the difference between cognatively knowing something and really internalising something.
I see my therapy actually working now in my everyday life.
I now can stop myself when I am about to react to something in 'the old' way. My therapist has spoken a lot about creating distance and detaching from the thoughts that I used to have.
It does help that H is also having therapy. He also sees concrete differences in the way he now instinctively behaves.
A classic example is me expressing something that he traditionally would have found difficult (i.e. an indirect criticism) - previously he would tell me that I couldn't feel that way for XYZ reasons - now he understands that I have the right to my own feelings. It has made things much easier as we can now deal with the actual issue rather than our usual 'who's to blame' senario.
I'd suggest that you consider therapy for yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to make a decision now re. your H, this is unlikely to change while you do nothing to help yourself.

newnamethistime, thankyou, I'm pleased the therapy is helping you and DH. I wish my DH would see someone but that is out of the question. You are right, I know it is all about changing the way you think and then you respond differently to someone. I will actively seek a therapist although the hard part is finding one who you feel is right for you.

MTV - It's not that hard to find the right therapist, honestly.

So you feel your husband doesn't care for you, he doesn't hear you, you have no sex life, you don't go out together, and he makes you feel like shit?

All your words OP.

And you're raising children in this environment?

You know, I have listened to many friends vent about their upbringings. And I can not recall ever hearing, "I wish my parents had stayed together no matter how miserable they made each other". But I have heard countless times "I wish my mum had left her unhappy marriage as it clouded my childhood and tainted my future relationships."

What do you want your children to be saying in 20 years time?

I know I sound harsh but re-read your own posts. It sounds like a nightmare situation for all of you, and since your husband won't change things and your children can't, it falls to you.

I'm sort of guessing you might not be reading this any more, MTV, now your H has deigned to speak to you. But just in case ...

Your replies here may seem quite ruthless to you but they are correct. I was pleased to see some other people mentioned your being "stuck in a role". This is not a criticism, it's a predicament. Not as easy one to get out of tbh, but it'll be nice if one day you find yourself a damn good therapist and get started. How does this role business happen to people? Well.

Your dad was a grumpy old bastard, who abused you. It's 99% certain, therefore, that he also abused your mother. You didn't tell her about her husband, did you? You shut up and put up, which was very handy for the pervert who was, unfortunately for you, your father. Your mother is lovely but, plainly, she also put up & shut up. You protected her, didn't you? Because she's sweet & hard-working, and you didn't want to burst her bubble of loveliness.

What a dreadful burden for a child, to suffer ongoing abuse in silence. You sacrificed your own rights - your dignity and your honour - to protect that loveliness of your mother's.

And here you are, all grown up, shutting up & putting up. Accustomed as you are to the ways of overbearing, abusive men, you know just how to suffer in subdued agony. And you do it for the loveliness, don't you? it's so important to have the nice house, the new car, for the guests to perceive all the loveliness of your home. While you suffer quietly.

You have been doing this all of your life, Vicar, since your daddy taught you how. It's very sad and it's time you grew up. When you're a woman (instead of the child inside), you'll feel fulfilled. And you'll be able to show your children what real, unfettered joy is like.

'
I wrote this at 3am, just as the server went offline - sorry if it's become out of date.

MTV Just in case you're still reading this thread -

Nobody was put here on this earth to be somebody else's whipping boy......

so his words can hurt even though as he claims they are not meant to

Nothing to do with you being sensitive, at the time he says his harsh words, he is trying to hurt you. It just seems you don't want to believe it! You would rather believe him when he say YOU over react. You would be hearing his words as malicious if they weren't meant to be so. But here he is, having YOU believe that it is YOU with the problem, because YOU interpret his words the wrong way! He's good! Getting you to believe his vile behaviour is your fault!

You are old enough to know that love isn't like in the movies (not all the time, anyway). Your life isn't a movie where the lead man will eventually realise that he is being/has been an arse to you & finally after the hazy flashbacks at all the times he hurt you become your knight in shining armour. It won't happen. It doesn't happen. Men like this usually get worse. There are many many women on here that can, unfortunately, atest to that. He already has you thinking you are at fault because his words hurt you!

I have read one of your previous threads & it was one about your daughter & her relationship with her father. I can't remember it word for word, but it wasn't good & now here you are, making excuses for him. Sending her the message that this is how women are supposed to be treated. So in 20 odd years time, she is going to being playing out this role too!

I feel that you are in love with the fairytale of being in love. You seem to have an unrealistic view of love. You aren't going to see a solicitor because you truly believe he will change into the knight you want him to be, you won't leave because you aren't ready to give up, when he, already clearly has!

I feel for you. All your posts recently have been how YOU are in the wrong as YOU interpret HIS words wrong. He has you believing it is all your fault, for 'being sensitive'.

You wouldn't be hearing his words as malicious

I am still here and I am still reading any replies, I am also still considering my situation. Reading your response ItsGraceAgain, had me in tears, my heart is breaking and you are right, I am still THAT child looking for love and attention. I can't help that I feel I need looking after. I am so afraid and lonely, my confidence is shot to pieces and I suppose that has a lot to do with why I stay instead of leaving.

DH thanked me for looking after his guest and is just being himself. He is not horrible to me as such, he just has a sarcastric streak which he says is in response to things I say to him although I too, like him, do not believe I am being sarcastic - stalemate. I do believe he is controlling though. dh ignored DD for a couple of days because he was so upset he could not talk to her. Wrong I know but has got me thinking maybe he is just as sensitive as me.

Not talking to your DD for two days because he was 'so upset' is not in any way showing he is sensitive MTV :(

Sensitive?

You can't just ignore a child for two days because you're sensitive and upset.

How do you think it made her feel?

You're venting here because he's making you unhappy. Where does your DD get to vent?

Stop letting this man control your family.

"so his words can hurt even though as he claims they are not meant to"

I had a husband once who said things like that..... Notice that I once had a husband.

I eventually got to the point where I wasn't going to be made to feel so worthless by somebody else's fuckwittedness..... Oh, I tried to get him to change, went to Relate, yadda yadda, but in the end, had to leave for my own peace of mind.

You won't be able to change him. You can, on the other hand, make changes to your life and that of your children......

I am so afraid and lonely, my confidence is shot to pieces and I suppose that has a lot to do with why I stay instead of leaving.

I sympathise, MTV.
People here are trying to show you how your H's behaviour undermines your confidence still further - and, sadly, perpetuates the patterns you yourself experienced. It is a vicious circle and extremely difficult to see when you're in the midst of it! You can help yourself, though, and by extension your DCs, by building your own confidence from within yourself. Lots of us here have done it, and it does take guidance from a therapist.

If you're who I think you are, you went to see a psychiatrist a few month back, is that right? Do you feel you could trust him with your backstory, and request a therapy referral? (Or, if that wasn't you, have a look on the BACP website and ring up a few members for a chat.)

It could be the most constructive thing you've ever done :)

Thankyou, I will look at the website and see if I can take it from there. And I really do mean thankyou.

I really hope you get somewhere, Vicar. You deserve some respect - self and from others. Good luck!