I told him I was going to see a solicitor

[MoreTeaVicar]

because I feel like he just doesn't care about me. It doesn't matter how many times I have spoken to him and poured out my heart, he just doesn't 'hear me' or perhaps he genuinely 'doesn't want to hear me'. We have hardly spoken all weekend and we have a friend staying with us. Now DH is telling me I have made him feel unwelcome and made his life miserable. How can that be, both DH and friend have virtually ignored me anyway and if DH was so bothered about anything he would have made a concentrated effort to include me and jolly up the atmosphere. As far as I am concerned the only atmosphere has been that me and Dh are not talking but that takes two people not just me. They have all gone out to cinema now along with my 2 DC. I feel too sad to have gone, and I also saw said film myself this week and when DH said are you coming I said no, you don't care if I do or not, he basically confirmed it and thats when I said I would see a solicitor this week. I nastily said I would take him for half his 'empire' too, churlish I know but I am in so much pain. He continually tells me 'you will never be happy', all I want is his love and affection and I would be fine but we live as brother and sister. He always turns things wrong so that I am the one who has a problem. He tells me he is just getting on with his life! He doesn't take me out, we don't have sex and he shows no affection whatsoever. I am sitting here with my heart breaking, I really do not want to go so why does he just ignore me.

it seems to me there is a total lack of communication.

ideally it would warrent a sit down conversation in an adult manner with neutral tones - no raised voices where you state what you need from the relatonship and then ask what he expects from the relationship.

a good counsellor with give you techniques. a husband who wants to save the marriage will go to counselling, no matter how inept he perceives it to be

We already had a bit of chat a couple of weeks ago and he told me he was ok, he was getting on with his life. I talk to him calmly because I am desparate for us to work out but he is the one to raise his voice, accuse me of me being in the wrong, never satisfied, never happy and then usually walks away from the conversation. I am assuming that because I am unhappy and tell him then he feels it is a critisism of him and so he gets defensive. I totally understand that but I do not understand why he will not work with me so to speak. I also wonder is he still here because he wants to be or is it just a convenience, He is an intelligent man, I dont thinbk he would waste his life if he didn't want to be here unless of course he is only here for the children which would of course explain why he doesn't appear to care about me being unhappy. Surely I woukld know in my bones if that was the case???? He is telling me to choose a new car at the moment, well until yesterday anyway.

The thing is, he knows that you will bleat and bleat but actually do fuck all about ending the relationship. He is perfectly happy with things as they are, he just tunes out your complaints as background noise.
Your options are, as I said, shit or get off the pot. Either leave him, or accept him the way he is. Because you cannot make someone change when the person doesn't want to change. His life is fine. He doesn't love you, but you 'will do' to cook dinner and raise the children.

Thanks for that, Im going to bed now. I guess he will not speak to me now for the foreseeable. What a f*ing miserable mess. I guess 'I will do'.

I recognised you too

I have no advice for you

it has all been given before

Either you will do something to change your situation, or you won't

he certainly won't

your children certainly can't

who then ?

I am still clinging on to the hope we can get back to happier times. So he has invited a foreign business associate to come stay at our house this week. After ignoring me all weekend and accusing me of creating an atmosphere and it is ALL my fault, he has asked me if I am 'going to continue to behave like this' when he brings said client home tonight. If I am he will apologise to client and they will both check into hotel. I have two choices, ignore DH and let the poor guest feel unwelcome which I would not do, or, put a smile on my face and treat DH nicely too in front of guest. Its hard to pretend something when your insides are feeling something different. I have never been able to put on 'a front'. If anyone can give any tips on this I would so appreciate it. Life is a mess enough, I don't want more misery.

"I am still clinging on to the hope we can get back to happier times"

What happier times exactly?. He's not interested, he just wants to order you about and for you to play nice compliant wifey. He is using emotional blackmail as well to get what he wants (apologise for "your" behaviour or I will check into a hotel nonsense).

You two do not, never have and never will work as a couple because he disengaged from you emotionally years ago. This relationship is fundamentally flawed and your inherent and deep seated denial of this situation stops you seeing it for what this really is. If you truly do not want more misery you must separate.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons.

He is incapable of being the husband you need and want. And no you won't feel that in your bones.

He is happy with the status quo for what ever reason. He has his children, his house, his job and a housekeeper.

He IS controlling.
He is cold.
He is making you miserable. (And by not waking up to the facts you are helping him)
You are both sending crap messages to your children.

The only way anything will change in your marriage is for you to accept that you need to end it. It is destructive for all of you.

He is either incapable or unwilling to change so you need to.

I have to get through the next week with this guest staying. I am in constant tears, what am I going to do? I know DH is being unfair but just right now I am stuck.

Let him do as he suggested and book him and his guest into a hotel.

Absolutely. Let him check into a hotel with his guest and make whatever explanation he wants. It doesn't matter to you.

I've just realised who you are and you aren't stuck. It's time for you to make a choice, but recognise that at the moment you are choosing to stay in this marriage.
Have you ever gone and got legal advice?

Tell him to book them boh into a hotel.

Don't see him this week at all and do some hard, hard thinking about how much better your life could be

I fear this will all fall on deaf ears again though < sigh >

It seems you are quite happy for the houseguest being around, because it means you don't have to face up to things again

I just cant do that. In my world, to do that would just be adding fuel to the fire. I want to resolve unhappy issues not finish my marriage off for good. I need to be able to put a thick skin on and be a good hostess. I know my DH is a pig but underneath it all I do not believe he is rotten.

MTV,

"I just cant do that. In my world, to do that would just be adding fuel to the fire. I want to resolve unhappy issues not finish my marriage off for good. I need to be able to put a thick skin on and be a good hostess. I know my DH is a pig but underneath it all I do not believe he is rotten".

You remind me of a deer caught in the headlights. But what if you are wrong re him actually not being rotten. Have you considered that possibility?.

You cannot resolve an unhappy marriage by yourself. He is unhappy and he actively chooses, yes chooses, to act like that. He is not your responsibility ultimately but you seem very responsible for him.

What did you yourself learn about relationships from your parents when you were growing up?. Of course you don't have to answer that but I am wondering if your parents had the same sort of marriage that you do.

You have not failed if you choose to walk away; he has failed here. You are only failing your own self and by turn your children if you choose to remain within such a destructive atmosphere. They won't thank you for staying with such an individual in the longer term and could even ask you why you put him before them.

AttilaTheMeerkat, I dont feel responsible for his behaviour and yes, of course I have questioned am I right about his feelings, problem is the same answer keeps coming back, I don't know. He wont come right out and say whats in his heart.

I guess I learnt nothing positive about relationships from my upbringing. My parents were chalk and cheese, she married him during to falling pregnant by him during the war. My mother was a lovely person who always worked, father was a miserable git and sexually abused me although I told no-one.

"in my world"

Here we go.

Yep, none of us understand "your world"

You don't want any advice do you ? You just want to let off a bit of steam with some complaining about your husband, then it's back to business as usual for you and him.

I am sorry to read you were sexualy abused by your father. I am sure that explains some of your attitudes, but really you need to find help in processing that and the best way to remove yourself from another abusive siuation.

If you were sexually abused by your father, I am sorry and it might explain a lot.

However, the trouble I'm having is this. When asked questions before about your childhood, you have insisted it was normal and happy. You have also lied on this thread again about your previous threads, because you most certainly have said in an earlier thread that your H was abandoned by his mother. And on the last thread I saw from you, you admitted that you had lied about the secret relationship with your exH and apologised for lying, but some months after you had let me take some flak for pointing out that you were being disingenuous.

I've said to you on loads of other threads that you cannot expect posters to help you unless you are honest and stop lying.

The thing is, he doesn't have to be "rotten". He doesn't have to do something so horrible that you can't possibly stay with him. He just can't give the love you need. I wonder if perhaps he has a personality disorder, to be so intransigent, to refuse to accept you were ill and hold something you said over you for years. That means it's most unlikely to be incurable, but if there was ever a chance to improve he would have to acknowledge that and get help. He's not a getting-help sort of chap, though, is he?

You know what they say: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

WWIFN, I do value your input but I do not welcome you calling me a liar. I do not ever recall metioning my childhood on here before. His mother did not deliberately abandon him, she was refused entry to the uk and could not return when she tried, that is not the same as abandoning your child. I keep coming in here because I am looking for advice/support, just because I am still with DH does not mean I do not consider and take on board the opinions or comments of other posters. Of course I do but it is quite clear, not in the least to me, that I am too fragile and scared to make a break. I am an emotional wreck and I need to get things off my chest. I have no family to hear me out and support me. Please give me a break, sometime your blunt judgements really hurt me when I am at my most vunerable. I know what you say is by and large right but without a rod of steel, I am usually too weak to make changes.

AnnieGetYourGun, I guess there is a lot of truth in what you say, but no, he would never get help, he always considers himself to be right, always.

So, if he considers himself to be right all the time and you think he is wrong all the time, where is the middle ground you hope to meet on?

WWIFN, I have lied once and once only, that was when I had txt contact with an ex. I am not by nature a liar, I hadn't lied up until then and I have not lied since then.

Look I've got neither the time nor the inclination to refute what you say (although I could and it would sorely embarrass you), but your threads speak for themselves. I once suggested that you read them all, under your various name changes, something that well-meaning new posters cannot do, unfortunately. So I'll gladly leave your thread, but I won't stand by and let new posters spend hours helping you, when they are not being told the truth.

MTV - you are banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to change or be nice or tell you what is going on with him. He LIKES to see you like this. He is ENJOYING it. His get out clause is his constant "you will never be happy" comments. He is telling you that he will never change because even if he does you won't be happy. That lets him off the hook.

Or maybe he is right? Maybe you won't ever be happy. Maybe you enjoy the drama? Maybe you have hitched yourself to a cold and unfeeling man as a result of your childhood. Who knows?

The only way you will find out is to change the status quo. He won't. So if you really want things to change YOU need to do it.

So you have admitted that you are too weak to make any changes. Unfortunately if you always do what you always did, you will always get the same result. SOMETHING needs to change.

What exactly do you think would happen if you told him to book him and his guest into a hotel? After all he suggested it.