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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is behaving weirdly - just don't get it?

78 replies

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 14:36

Been going through a very rough patch with dp of 17 years and the other day he announced that our relationship has run it's course, said he did not love me or my son and thinks we should spilt up. This was said after yet another drinking session. Our relationship is pretty crap, sex life nonexistent; the arguments have been terrible etc etc. The weird thing is he is now behaving as nothing has been said,he has bought presents flowers etc but the atmosphere is awful. I can barely bear to look @ him to talk to him @ the moment. Just can't to seem to fathom out my feeling

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 14:40

Perhaps he said when drunk, what he is feeling but lacks the courage to say when sober?

You can pretend he didn't say it, if you like, and just dust round the elephant in the room every day. Or you can tell him that since he wants to split up, you think that he should go sooner rather than later. Or you can see if he wants to work on the relationship.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 14:44

Yes you maybe right but why the presents, guilt?

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 14:46

Given what you've said about your relationship in general and "yet another drinking session", I agree with Hecate. Sounds like he's drinking to numb his unhappiness.

Dust round the invisible elephant if you like, but I think it be more helpful all round if you have The Showdown.

Want to post a bit more about this rough patch? It might help you marshal your thoughts.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 14:52

Yes, probably guilt.

Either for telling you how he feels, or for some other thing that he has not as yet disclosed to you.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 14:56

I would agree except that since I have know him he has always drank heavily, this nothing new. ( he drinks when he is happy and drinks when he is sad. He accused me the other day of being old an boring and that I used to have a sense of humour. I think I have grown up and he has not. I dunno why but am find this really hard to express how I feel. Just feeling really sad right now

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ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 14:57

... or a cack-handed attempt at getting the relationship on track? (Determined optimism here!)

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 14:58

Sorry about the typing, having a bad grammer day

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piprabbit · 02/02/2011 15:00

He says that he doesn't love his son?
That is seriously odd.
Fair enough that a relationship may have difficulties, but that shouldn't really impact feelings for children - should it?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 15:00

So. According to him, you are old and boring and have no sense of humour, he doesn't love you, he doesn't love your son (his son?) he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't make love to you and you are arguing all the time?

Yes?

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:01

Umm, so he's an alcoholic party boy? I'm guessing, but did your realtionship develop on the basis of great nights out and shared hangovers? There's nothing wrong with changing, you know ...

Have you got kids?

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:02

Oh, sorry, I missed about your DS.

Family life may not have been what he expected.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:04

Do you want him to go away or are you hoping he'll become the partner/father you'd like to have? Has your family ever been what you'd wish for?

Sorry for the interrogation, it's just that your posts are quite pithy atm.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 15:07

Piprabbit, I posted about the not loving our son the other day, I have thought about it long and hard about this and think he was saying thsi to make me react ( yes a weird and immature as that sounds)

Itsgrace, yes many a shared hangover, used to called me his soul mate, yes things should change

Hecat, blimey it does sound bad, I think I need to face the music.

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msboogie · 02/02/2011 15:09

If he is an alcoholic (which it sounds like) he might not remember what he said to you. He might remember some bad stuff was said but not what he said. So the flowers etc are to make up for whatever it was. Obviously he meant the stuff he said at the time.

Best off out of it - all three of you, aren't you?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 15:43

ItsGrace, tbh I don't think I have ever been 100% happy but is anyone? ( maybe I am being cynical). I'm not sure he means everthing he says, I think there are alot of issues and not sure if it can change but I have my son to think about, is it worth all the heartache and disruption. I am honestly thinking @ 45 I am too old to start again. Oh dear, what a mess

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ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:48

It sounds as though you've living with plenty of heartache and disruption anyway :( 45 is definitely not too late to start again!

Would it be a better idea to have The Showdown? If you insist on it, will you be able to find out where you're both at? Or will he just be half-cut and evasive?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 16:04

I read such sad posts on here about people being alone, such saddnest. I have friends that just can't see to find a decent bloke and are single parents. God do I want to go through all that pain or just let things drift on :0(

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Spero · 02/02/2011 16:18

I won't lie to you, I find being a single parent sometimes very hard, it is difficult to see what look like very happy couples and feel full of envy and regret. I am also under no illusions about how easy it is to 'start again' after 40.

BUT it is also miserable in toxic relationships with a man who doesn't love you anymore.

At least if you make the break there is hope that life will get better and you are spending the only life you have with someone who treats you like that.

I think it would be worse to look back on your life and think that is what you chose.

As ever, in these situations I think you have three options:
Accept it
Change it
Leave it

Personally, I think the first is a non starter.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 16:19

45? you're only 45?

Honey, people of 45 are settling down for the first time and having their first child

You have half your life left ahead of you.

Don't settle for a miserable existance with a man who says himself that he doesn't love you.

Even if you were single, I don't see how you would be any more alone.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:24

I am 45

If anyone ever told me I was too old to pick my own life up and start again, I would laugh in their face

you have another good 30+ years in you

stay in his half-life if you want, but never use the excuse it is "too late" to do something about it

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:25

this half-life

and his

you can do better, regardless of whether you live alone or find another relationship

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 16:26

I think I have lost all my confidence, I know if I was advising someone else I would be saying the same. It's just so hard to know what to do for the best. He left me couple of years ago for a month and I was devastated, I go from thinking that things can work to wanting to smash his face in ( I would not of course) I wish I could get him to agree to counselling, maybe this would help us both.

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Spero · 02/02/2011 16:31

While I applaud the gutsy gung ho sentiments of the older ladies posting here, I don't think you do the op any favours by sugar coating the pill.

The next person who tells me that as a single mother of 40 I must just have my pick of blokes and why aren't I out there shagging, I shall quite possibly punch them on the nose.

Yes, yes a thousands times yes to positive thinking and a positive attitude, but I prefer to have it tempered with some realism thanks.

Of course lovely things can happen. But you have to brace yourself for what you do if they don't. My point is, even if I am alone for the rest of my life and never have sex again unless I pay for it, IT IS STILL BETTER than being with some arse who didn't love me and who wasn't afraid to let me know almost every bloody day.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 16:42

Is that not what we are saying?

"you can do better, regardless of whether you live alone or find another relationship"

"Even if you were single, I don't see how you would be any more alone."

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 16:45

Sorry I hate being 45, age has never bothered me before really but all of a sudden it seems an issue. If I can't sort out this situation with dp, then I don't think I have any choice but to ask him to leave. But as Spero has said how on earth do you go about finding a decent bloke, I actually do not want to be on own, call it pathetic but it is true.

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