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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is behaving weirdly - just don't get it?

78 replies

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 14:36

Been going through a very rough patch with dp of 17 years and the other day he announced that our relationship has run it's course, said he did not love me or my son and thinks we should spilt up. This was said after yet another drinking session. Our relationship is pretty crap, sex life nonexistent; the arguments have been terrible etc etc. The weird thing is he is now behaving as nothing has been said,he has bought presents flowers etc but the atmosphere is awful. I can barely bear to look @ him to talk to him @ the moment. Just can't to seem to fathom out my feeling

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:45

hec...maybe spero didn't notice our comments ?

because I don't recognise my own post in hers, tbh

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:47

so you would rather have a crap relationship, than no relationship ?

I am sorry, but in this day and age, that does sound pathetic

did the concept of a woman as an individual in her own right bypass your consciousness completely ?

Spero · 02/02/2011 16:47

Yes Hecate you are saying that, but you are also saying things like 45! piffle! that's not old, you've got half your life ahead of you.

Not true actually if you look at acturial tables. Not many of us live to 90 and I'd imagine the last ten years are pretty shit anyhow.

Sorry to hijack with my own personal rant, but I do think it has a wider relevance.

I don't think I have ever been able to have an honest conversation with my friends about how sad I am about the turn my life has taken - ok, this may just say I have crap friends, but I think their reactions are fairly standard.

I get all this gushing - o you are so pretty! you won't be alone for very long.

Er two and half years and counting??

I would just prefer some more realistic appraisal of what it is like out there for the single 40 something woman - not so we slash our wrists but that we can get the courage to march forward with the true information and take that chance regardless.

Sorry op if you don't find this helpful. I think on all the rest we are all agreeing - even if you were 90, don't waste another minute on a man who doesn't love you and cherish you, at least 80% of the time.

Spero · 02/02/2011 16:49

Anyfucker, I feel you have willfully misread my posts in order in criticise me.

I think I actually put in SHOUTY CAPS that I don't think a crap relationship is better than being alone.

And I managed to read your comments just fine. See above, I think we agree on the essentials.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:50

spero...your friends are just spouting cliches, because they don't know what else to say

I don't see anybody doing that on this thread

I would honestly rather be on my own than settle for someone who thinks I am a bit crap

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:52

spero...where am I criticising you ???

Spero · 02/02/2011 16:54

Dear Anyfucker

Have you actually read anything I've posted? or have just a few lines here and there leapt up and bopped you on the head?

Sigh. Not that the op is remotely interested by now but I feel I must defend myself.

I don't believe any relationship is better than none. I applaud strong, independent women who go it alone, having done it myself now for two sodding years.

What I object to is telling the op or anyone in this situation that there are no negatives to being over 4o and suddenly single.

You can tie crap up in a ribbon, it is still crap. I would rather make decisions based on fullest information that is all.

Spero · 02/02/2011 16:55

Sorry, AF, in my obviously paranoid and self obssessed state, I may have taken comments directed at the op as directed at me.

In which case, permit me a moment to wipe egg off my face. If you weren't criticising me, then groovey.

If you were, see above.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:57

I was addressing the OP's post when I said "do you think a crap relationship is better than no relationship" spero

I think you must have x-posted with her, and thought my reply was to you

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:58

ah, you go it, spero

x-posted with me and you now

< waits for 5 minutes before posting again >

anyone fancy a cuppa ?

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 16:59

got it

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 16:59

Spero you are in fact realistic imo, I have a friend who is beautiful, successful in her career and a really nice person and she is in exactly the same position as you. I take on board what you say about being cherished, I have been with my DP for 17 years and we have had our ups and downs. I need to have an honest non drinking converstation with him, I have a feeling he maybe in self distruct mode and depressed @ the moment If he really does not love me anymore then your well your right he has to go. I going to speak to him when he gets home.

OP posts:

Spero · 02/02/2011 17:00

Ah. As you were. Shuffles.

Ok, op ignore misplaced hijack.

Yes, get a grip. I won't call you pathetic, because I get how you are feeling. But seriously, do you want to look back on your life and think that you put up with this, when there was a chance you could have had something so much better??

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 17:03

and "better" may or may not include needing a man to validate yourself

Spero · 02/02/2011 17:09

Yes, you do not need a man to be happy or to find validation

(but is it just me, or is it only the happily partnered who come out with this??)

but it would be bloody nice to have sex every now and again with someone reasonable attractive who laughed at my jokes and occasionally put the bins out. The quality of my life would go up, validation be damned.

Op, talk to him. Fix it if you can. 17 years is a lot of history. But don't waste too much time on it. If you do get out, give yourself time to grieve and then start living your life, in whatever shape or form it comes to you. I hope you get something sorted. But I think regrets are horrible, and frankly you will have more to regret if you stay with someone unpleasant than if you leave.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 17:17

Thanks Spero. I have been a sinlge parent and know how it feels, I really don't want to be there again ( and I was a lot younger). I may sound like a wimp but I am financially indepedant and everyone thinks I am such a strong person, but hey there you go. Not looking forward to this conversation but know it has to happen.

OP posts:

Spero · 02/02/2011 17:20

best of luck. Hope it goes well. But if you've got the money to make it alone, you are already well ahead of the game.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 17:22

spero...I can see why you would think only happily-partnered would come out with this

but remember happily-partnered people know how it should be, and if happy in their own selves and with self-esteem intact, should accept nothing less if their own relationship were to go bad

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 17:25

good luck, OL

45 is not too old to sort your life out

lifeshock · 02/02/2011 17:27

sorry to add my little voice of doom
It sounds a lot like my husband did just before Christmas, said he didn't love me anymore (totally out of the blue, we seemed really happy) he had no interest in the children or home life and left. He came back the next morning and said he didn't mean it and he loved me. the next few weeks were fine with him apologising, sending me flowers, little notes. Then a couple of weeks ago he did it again, told me he didn't love me and left just like that. He has been gone three weeks and seen his children twice for 10 minutes
My point is everybody is different but you don't normally say those things without something very deeply being wrong. Force him to talk about it and don't bury your head in the sand like I did.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 17:29

Thank you AF, you know I wish I had your confidence, you speak very wisely but I know there are a lot of us out there that do accept 2nd best and rightly or wrongly I wonder whether 2nd best is better than nothing at all. I think Spero has a good point and also what I have seen and experienced in RL

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 17:37

tbh, OL, spero is in a better position to give you realistic advice than I am

I just hate to see women settling for poor treatment by men, because they are afraid of being on their own

I would be more afraid of being made a mug of

some people would say that is silly, and you shouldn't let your pride rule your life

but I have been mistreated by men in my life (starting with my father, and downhill from there)...and I say "never again"

I truly would rather be on my own, with dc and good friends

and if anoher man came along who was worthy of me, then that is a bonus

of course, I am not currently experiencing this scenario, so I can only give you my opinion, such as it is

but I do think there is more to come from your husband...you don't have the whole story yet, I am afraid

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 17:38

lifeshock, I am really sorry

is there another woman involved in your situation ?

I would bet my house there is

Spero · 02/02/2011 17:38

Ah, Op, I think you are making a very crucial error there. Accepting a bad relationship is NOT 'second best', it is way, way, way down the list of ways to live your life.

And I do agree, you can't categorise life without a man as 'nothing' - that is simply wrong.

I think life can be really great with a loving supportive partner - or I imagine it would be, never sadly having had the pleasure.

BUT that doesn't mean that the next best option is to partner up with someone who seems to actively dislike you. I can talk with some authority about this.

Sad as I sometimes am, I was much sadder with ex. At least this way there is a chance I may get to experience a grown up loving decent relationship with a man. And if I dont, I will still have had a good life and been happy for much of it.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 02/02/2011 17:45

Lifeshock, that sounds so sad you poor thing. You are right though no point in berying my head in the sand, though he has not left yet, maybe he out looking @ flats now!!!!!

OP posts:

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