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Original poster

DH and his eating disorder. Don't know if I can do it all again.

101 replies

WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 07:26

Just over two years ago my DH reached 29 and a half stone. He was given a gastric bypass operation on the NHS and by last october, he weighed 13.5stone. His eating issues were never addressed though, he was given appointments for councellors etc but he never went. As far as he was conserned, he'd lost the weight and that was all there was to it. So gradually he started eating more. Not so noticable at first, just the odd packet of crisps/chocolate bar here and there but then the suppers started coming back on an evening. Just a few biscuits at first but this progressed to meat pies/take-aways etc. He was weighed last week and the scales said 14st 6lbs. That means he's put on a stone since last Oct. Now when he was 13.5 stone he'd always say "my alarm bells will start ringing if I go over 14stone again, if that ever happens, I'll know I need to diet". Yesterday he said "My alarm bells are 15stone. If ever I go over 15 stone, I'll know to diet". This is such a repeat of history I'm terrified. I can guarantee in 6 months time he'll be saying "my alarm bells are 16 stone ... "

An example of his current eating - 2 days ago he had his tea (stir fry) with mini spring rolls, then he ate a bowl of cornflakes afterwards. Then a cereal bar. A bit later he ate 6 mini spring rolls. A packet of crisps. THEN he cooked himself a pizza. This was all from 5pm upto 9pm. He says there is no problem, he's just able to eat "normally" now but he seems to forget that HIS normal is NOT normal. I can't go through it all again. If he starts to balloon again I'm not sure I can promise to support him again. I've told him this. He translates it to "so you're saying if I'm fat you won't love me, some wife you are".

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 07:30

Last night he had a stir fry concoction with madras jar sauce and onion rings. Straight afterwards he had a chocolate ice-cream cornet, then a cereal bar. Later he had a bowl of cornflakes. Hlaf a box of chocolates and then he cooked himself a pastie with a load of brown sauce. Again this was in the space between 5pm - 9pm.

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 02/02/2011 07:34

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Lulumaam · 02/02/2011 07:36

i think without addressing the over eating, you can have the surgery, the diet plans, whatever else, but without tackling hte root cause/self destructiveness/addiction , he'll put the weigh back on.

it is hard to support someone who won't help themselves as you can see them self destruct in front of your eyes

i appreciate your dilemma

he's eating way too much obviously but yiu can't stop him any more you can stop an alcoholic from drinking
now is the time for him to take steps, having gained one stone, when he;s gained 5 back it's going to be even harder

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 07:40

Oh gosh this is a hard one.

He really needs that counselling - and if he won't get it, you can't do it again - you're right.

It isn't about him being fat and you not loving him, that's just daft and he knows it - he's using it to manipulate you into enabling him.

I don't know if I'm right but I see it as a similar situation to alcoholism - he has to want to stop, you didn't cause him to do it, you can't control whether he does it or not and the only thing you can do is step away, not enable him, and not dicuss it with him until he shows he wants to change.

The problem isn't so much the weight as the dependancy and the emotional blackmail etc etc that goes with it.

how would you feel about leaving him - is that something you would want to do, with some support, or would you prefer to stay and see if he does sort himself out?

I'd struggle to stay with someone who tried to manipulate me anyway, but only you can decide if it's worth it.

I'm sorry, I don't know much about staying with someone who has an addiction or similar but I believe there are people on here who have stayed with an alcoholic or addicted partner - there is a correct way to manage it though, and I don't know what it is.

Hopefully someone will help you out with the right knowledge - meanwhile I'm so sorry you are going through this.

FreudianSlippery · 02/02/2011 07:49

Oh dear that sounds very stressful.

You need to point out that of course you love him despite his size. Your feelings are not to do with size are they - and anyway you were with him at his biggest FFS!

Maybe tell him it's about his health, and not wanting to watch him get unwell again, it'd be the same if he were an alcoholic.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 02/02/2011 08:16

So who does the shopping? How come all this crap is lying aroud the house ready to be eaten?

Someone told me once to think of the shopping trolley as one giant meal and make sure it contained a balanced mix of carbs protein and fat with lots of fruit and veg. Ice cream, pasties and boxes of chocolates are not items you would choose as part of a healthy diet.

But the real issue isnt the supply it is the psychological urge to binge. Does he have a job? Is he useful and busy? What is he passionate about in life?

I think you need to step back, stop enabling him and make him see that he needs to take control or you will lose respect for him. That is not unsupportive it is ultimately the only way to help him.

Good luck

bigTillyMint · 02/02/2011 08:23

WCFU, Shock at how much extra he is eating. It is an addiction - like alcoholism for him.

NoNames has a point - if you do the shopping, could you avoid buying all the snacky stuff?

But ultimately he has to accept responsibility for his problem.

milkjetmum · 02/02/2011 09:18

I agree that he really needs to do some counselling. My hubbys weight has always gone up and down with stress/depression and we managed to tie it to these things:

  • when he was growing up 'treats' or good food in the house was rare, and when they were around you had to eat them fast before anyone else did. This let to compulsive eating of entire packs of biscuits for example.
  • using food as a 'reward' e.g. i've had a really stressful day so i'll buy myself crisps/cake/coke etc and it will make me feel better (for 5 mins...) but I'll eat it fast and alone as I feel ashamed about this
  • self-identity being tied up in being 'a big, funny bloke'

But for me and my hubby the most serious warning sign was secret eating - I would find wrappers etc hidden behind the sofa, which to me indicated a serious problem.

But as others have said it needs to come from your hubby to want to change. If any of the above ring a bell for your hubby you might find that they are suddenly less powerful when discussed, but he will also need to find a new way for him to let his stress/worries out. For my hubby it was a new gadget-loaded bicycle to enjoy and get some fresh air and time alone.

Hope that helps - there are also lots of good books out there on overeating - we read these at the same time as hubby doing counselling:

Eating Less

Breaking Free from Emotional Eating

The Overweight Patient

MommyMayhem · 02/02/2011 09:21

So who does the shopping? How come all this crap is lying aroud the house ready to be eaten?

Exactly.

clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 09:26

So who does the shopping? How come all this crap is lying aroud the house ready to be eaten?

i was just going to ask that too

swallowedAfly · 02/02/2011 09:31

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ShirleyKnot · 02/02/2011 09:33

Does the gastric surgery not stop you from physically being able to eat this sort of volume of food?

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but it sounds awful for you.

Acanthus · 02/02/2011 09:34

Surely being nearly 30 stone must have had all sorts or practical consequences. Could he even move around? Point to all of these when he says that you don't love him because he is fat, and use them to bully him into counselling. And yes, where does all the crap food come from? Alcoholics don't have drink in the house, do they, not when they are trying to stay dry.

MommyMayhem · 02/02/2011 09:41

I would take charge and throw all the unhealthy food away. I would buy lots of good, nourishing food, lean meat, fish, pasta, fruit & veg, nuts, crispbreads and things like that, and if he took it upon himself to go out and buy crisps and pasties and other crap, I would just throw it out. And keep doing so.

That is what I would do if it was my DH, because I love him and don't want him to die.

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 09:43

Who buys the food in your house?

holyShmoley · 02/02/2011 09:56

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holyShmoley · 02/02/2011 09:57

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javotte · 02/02/2011 10:09

I am a binge eater. It is MY responsibility. I honestly believe there is nothing my husband can do to help me.

Myleetlepony · 02/02/2011 10:11

Buying the food isn't the issue. Whoever does the shopping, if he wants more food he will get it. I don't think the people who keep banging on about "who does the shopping" understand the implications of an eating disorder like this. Op, if you sit him down and talk about this seriously, do you think there is any chance of getting him to go and talk to a professional with you>

javotte · 02/02/2011 10:13

But DH once told me "I'll love you whatever your size, but I can't watch you harm yourself with food and say nothing".

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 10:16

Mommymayhem if he wants food he will get it no matter how much healthy stuff the OP puts in the cupboards. People with disorders like this go to great lengths to get junk food.

You're being naive.

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 10:17

javotte - maybe your DH cannot help you, but someone else can. There is a lot of insight into eating disorders, including a lot of useful books.

TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2011 10:18

A fifteen stone limit contract will do nothing to help. His eating is seriously out of control - he is not going to be able to hit that weight and then snap out of it. He needs a referral from his GP to the eating disorders team as a first step.

auntpolly · 02/02/2011 10:30

How long has he been eating like this? Do you think anything triggered the binging? He needs to start the counselling now, but getting him to make an appointment and go is going to be the real hurdle. Does he still have the details or could his GP refer him again?

I had fantastic counselling on the NHS for an eating disorder (anorexic and bulimic throughout my teens), I was extremely resistant to it at first but I'm recovered now and that would not have happened without the NHS counsellor and my mum dragging me there, although I hated her for it at the time, poor mum.

But you're not his mum and you can't drag him there. Are you able to talk to him about it without him getting defensive or angry? Do you think he's actually aware of how much he is eating?

I agree that having the food in the house isn't the issue, if he wants to binge he will do it.

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 10:38

Astounded at the many posts blaming the wife of this man.

Would you blame her if he was an alcoholic? Perhaps you would. It's NOTHING to do with her and repeating all this nonsense about how she can 'control' it - and (mommyMayhem)implying that if she doesn't, she wants him to die - is really seriously out of order and totally unhelpful.

It is the same as with alcohol - you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

He has a relationship with food above and beyond that with any human being and he needs to want to stop it or he never will.

All the OP can do is protect herself from being hurt by this addiction in whatever way she is able.

He will buy food secretly if she stops buying it.
He will find a way to eat.

And with alcoholism, you can avoid alcohol - with an eating disorder you cannot avoid food.

Food is necessary which makes this kind of issue extremely hard to moderate.

Counselling is the first step but she can't make him go. He has to decide that for himslef. However she can insist that he follows it through before she will continue their relationship.