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Original poster

DH and his eating disorder. Don't know if I can do it all again.

101 replies

WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 07:26

Just over two years ago my DH reached 29 and a half stone. He was given a gastric bypass operation on the NHS and by last october, he weighed 13.5stone. His eating issues were never addressed though, he was given appointments for councellors etc but he never went. As far as he was conserned, he'd lost the weight and that was all there was to it. So gradually he started eating more. Not so noticable at first, just the odd packet of crisps/chocolate bar here and there but then the suppers started coming back on an evening. Just a few biscuits at first but this progressed to meat pies/take-aways etc. He was weighed last week and the scales said 14st 6lbs. That means he's put on a stone since last Oct. Now when he was 13.5 stone he'd always say "my alarm bells will start ringing if I go over 14stone again, if that ever happens, I'll know I need to diet". Yesterday he said "My alarm bells are 15stone. If ever I go over 15 stone, I'll know to diet". This is such a repeat of history I'm terrified. I can guarantee in 6 months time he'll be saying "my alarm bells are 16 stone ... "

An example of his current eating - 2 days ago he had his tea (stir fry) with mini spring rolls, then he ate a bowl of cornflakes afterwards. Then a cereal bar. A bit later he ate 6 mini spring rolls. A packet of crisps. THEN he cooked himself a pizza. This was all from 5pm upto 9pm. He says there is no problem, he's just able to eat "normally" now but he seems to forget that HIS normal is NOT normal. I can't go through it all again. If he starts to balloon again I'm not sure I can promise to support him again. I've told him this. He translates it to "so you're saying if I'm fat you won't love me, some wife you are".

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 14:09

Encouraged by your final sentence there.

He sounds like a total and utter twat.

MidnightsChild · 02/02/2011 14:10

Just noticed the posts about him over-feeding the children ... and calling you hitler when you try to stop him. Having read those, I have to agree with IngridBergmann ... I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Sad

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 14:10

Clevercloggs, whatever the answer that's really immaterial isn't it - all part of his distorted thinking and misdirected blame.

clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 14:12

i know, but whatever she does its not going to be right as far as he is concerned

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 14:12

Exactly.

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 14:13

No I'm not over-weight. My BMI is just 21. I physically cannot eat much, I never have been able to. If I were to drink a full can of coke at best I'd feel sick and bloated for the rest of the day. At worst, I would be physically sick. The flake I had sat in the fridge for two days. I have been known to have greedy days, we all do at some points but I know when to stop.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 02/02/2011 14:19

Did he badmouth all those people in York in front of your kids?

That might be the dealbreaker for me...

warthog · 02/02/2011 14:20

ultimatum time?

Lulumaam · 02/02/2011 14:21

he sounds angry and depressed and is stuck in a rut of harmful behaviour

he can;t see it and you can't make him see it

i really feel for you

is it no dangerous, what he's doing? could his reduced stomach burst>

StuffingGoldBrass · 02/02/2011 14:21

This man is not just an addict, he's an abusive addict - he calls you names and deliberately gives the children too much unhealthy food in order to wind you up. There is nothing you can do to fix him, you now need to prioritize the needs of the children and your own needs by ending the relationship.
After all, what's in it for you? There is so much more to life than watching him eat, worrying about what he eats, and worrying about the damage his disordered eating is doing to the DC because he is too selfish to seek help for his issues.
Let him eat himself to death, if he chooses. It's not your problem and you can take the kids and leave and have a better life without him.

zikes · 02/02/2011 14:30

Have to say I was on the fence, but the issues with the children totally sway me to the side of ultimatums and possibly walking away from him. Your first responsibility is to the dc - and he shows every sign of foisting on his unhealthy relationship with food onto them.

Nope. Unacceptable.

ScarlettWalking · 02/02/2011 14:33

He is abusing the children with food which is very, very serious and your latest posts are also troubling.

Ask yourself what joy you are getting from your marriage and how this is affecting your children and their emotional wellbeing and eating habits.

He is a deluded spoilt brat who was lucky enough to have an operation to help him but he has decided to eat himself into an early grave and play you for a fool and lead his children the same way Sad

Get the hell out, you know this will not end otherwise don't you?

Lulumaam · 02/02/2011 14:35

yes, overfeeding the DCs is grim

did he give them pastie, crisps , chocolate and cordial aswell as a meal?

he has no concept of normal/healthy food/feeding/meals

having a pasty or crisps or choccy in the context of a balanced healthy diet is not a big deal, but it is if it's every day

are they overweight?

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 14:38

It's not about diet, is it? Just re-stating the obvious ... It's about self-loathing, anger, resentment and control. The same as every other addiction and the same as every other abuser :(

WCFU, I feel the one thing you must do immediately, for your own sanity, is STOP trying to control it. It's his issue, leave him to it: food, shopping, tantrums, phone games, the lot. Either he'll figure it out for himself or he won't. But you must stop allowing him to make you the boss of his feelings.

Actually I'd suggest stopping control of the childrens' diet, too. You're not in a normal situation. Ask them if they'd like some fruit to go with their pastie and leave it at that. Remind them they can leave as much on their plate as they like. It's more important, at this stage, they understand they have choices and control of their own diet than to worry about what they're eating. (As an aside, I developed anorexia due to my mother's obsession with a healthy diet! Food should never be used as a tool for control.)

What are you thinking about all this now?

controlpantsandgladrags · 02/02/2011 14:40

I share quite a lot of your DH's eating/character traits I'm ashamed to say. I have always been a compulsive eater and currently weigh around 17 stone Blush

Keeping junk food out of the house will make absolutely no difference. If you come and look in my fridge/cupboards you will find nothing of an unhealthy nature. There are no biscuits/cakes/crisps anywhere, and the fridge is stocked with 0% fat yoghurts and salad leaves. If I want to eat it, I just go out and buy it.

What I have never done though is binged in front of my children, and I never allow them to eat a diet as unhealthy as mine. I am too afraid that they would grow up fat and unhappy like me.

As much as he tells himself he is eating because he is hungry, he isn't. He is eating to fill a void within himself......and until he gets some help he will continue to do so.

My advice is that you set him some ground rules.....you do the shopping and therefore control what he eats in your home and what he feeds your children. He goes to the GP and asks for help. If he doesn't do it, he leaves. No excuses and no arguments.

I also think you should show him this thread.

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 15:04

My eldest son is not overweight but he is starting to show the signs of "Puppy fat", especially around the belly. He's 12 though so not sure if it's his age or what but he does little exercise, he's not a sporty kid and I won't force that on him - it wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't eating so much crap. I used to give him £10 a month to put on a "school credit card" to enable him to buy stuff from the canteen but when I looked at the transaction history on it he was eating bacon sandwiches, pasties, bread rolls, pizzas, milkshakes, suso cans etc etc throughout the day. I said to him "DS, this is a very unhealthy way to live and because of that, I'm withdrawing the £10 a month credit card money." To my suprise he just said "ok" and that was that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 15:05

Forgot to add DS has recently joined the gym so not totally innactive.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:11

I know I'm unfashionable but I don't worry about fat on kids unless it's actually restricting their movement! Especially for a boy at 12, he's about to put on a series of weird growth spurts and it is healthy for him to store up tissue to use for them.

Your posts are starting to sound quite diet-obsessed, which is hardly surprising given what you're living with! The thing is, you'll end up with a whole eating-disordered family if you don't remove the control element from it NOW.

Every study shows that kids naturally choose a reasonably healthy diet if given a free range. You've still got enough time to allow your DC's natural balance to find itself ... leave it until their teens, though, and anxieties around food will be carved into their brains along with puberty :(

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 15:17

If the DS school has pasties,pizzas and milkshakes on offer thoug Grace that's what most choose.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 15:20

It won't kill them. They will get juice, fruit, water, etc, when they need it. Kids aren't stupid - but they can become eating disordered at a surprisingly young age.

OP, do you think DS was okay about the tuck money because he's getting it elsewhere, or because he's personally interested in having a healthier diet?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2011 16:00

I disagree; OP's posts aren't diet-obsessed, not to me anyway. They're those of a sensible mother who is not allowing her DCs to develop painful and life-limiting health problems through bad diet.

OP... have you ever considered one day of the week where your family (including you) can just have fun with food, ie. eat whatever you want (within reason) for that one day? I know of a friend who had very rigid eating habits and she had no golden middleway; it was suggested to her and it's working well for her family. Too must restriction can lead to secretiveness, too lax can lead to obesity. It might be something you could consider but I don't think you were wrong to speak to your DS about his eating habits.

HansieMom · 02/02/2011 16:40

It's too much for you to fix this, and probably too much for him even if he wanted to. He needs professional help but I think he likes food more than being healthy.

It is a shame he wasted the health resources, the surgery could have gone to someone else. Also he has messed up his gastrointestinal system permanently.

There is a site called obesity help dot com. It is very informative. It has one forum for spouses of people who had Weight Loss Surgery.

What are his siblings like? When he was a kid, food supplied to him was controlled--now he can go buy want he wants, order it in, eat anything he wants.

TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2011 17:45

I think that comments about him wasting health resources, being selfish etc are misplaced. He has a mental illness and is exhibiting the signs of it. The fault lies with the people who referred him for an operation without addressing the mental health problem. He is not in control of his eating, he can't pull himself together, act like a man, stop being selfish, feed his children a healthy diet (he has no clue what one is, and thinks that overstuffing them with treat food is going to make them happy, much like a drug addict letting their child have some when they are crying)but etc - it is going to take months/years of therapy and hard work to change this.

The question is, OP do you still love him, do you still like him, do you think his bad temper and behaviour towards you are 'him' or the ED, and are you prepared to see him through this if he is prepared to do it? You are not obliged to. I would leave him if he is unable to seek treatment immediately, for the sake of your children if nothing else. You probabky need therapy too now, TBH.

swallowedAfly · 02/02/2011 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

humanheart · 02/02/2011 18:49

he's an addict. read anything and everything you can about addicts and addiction, replace alcohol/sex/heroin etc with 'food' and you've got it. nothing you do will make any difference. an addict in active addiction has everything s/he needs - the chosen substance is lover, friend, counsellor - hence an inability to maintain intimate relationships (or any relationships!) bcs they have no need.

as others have mentioned, there is an established 12-step group for this - OA (overeaters anonymous) - which addresses in full the life of an overeater (also undereaters ie people with eating disorders), the traits of which are exactly the same as any other addiction. It might help if he gets access to some blurb from OA about his addiction. Putting in his gastric band is like replacing an alcoholic's liver, only the criteria for a new liver seems to be more stringent (?) than for a gastric band (which seems to be nonexistent - only that the patient is morbidly obese). Unless the underlying addiction is addressed then more often than not the operation is more than useless. george best proved that.

people are deeply judgemental about food/eating; much more so than most other addictive substances/practises. I also believe that, while he is in active addiction, it is not a good idea to analyse why or, even, to feel sorry for him: addicts are lethal and the last thing they need is pity. an effective means of protecting yourself if you are in a relationship with an addict is rigid boundaries (zero tolerance). no ifs/buts, no discussions. issue edicts (!) - statements.

I also wonder if I dare mention that your account of your eating habits also sound unusual OP. it is not at all uncommon for addicts to be attracted to one another. I am not saying you are an addict but you seem to be able to tolerate very little food and there could be an underlying issue there for you too. CODA (codependents anonymous) is also a good port of call for anyone who is a relationship with an addict.