DH and his eating disorder. Don't know if I can do it all again.

[WorriedConcernedFedUp]

Just over two years ago my DH reached 29 and a half stone. He was given a gastric bypass operation on the NHS and by last october, he weighed 13.5stone. His eating issues were never addressed though, he was given appointments for councellors etc but he never went. As far as he was conserned, he'd lost the weight and that was all there was to it. So gradually he started eating more. Not so noticable at first, just the odd packet of crisps/chocolate bar here and there but then the suppers started coming back on an evening. Just a few biscuits at first but this progressed to meat pies/take-aways etc. He was weighed last week and the scales said 14st 6lbs. That means he's put on a stone since last Oct. Now when he was 13.5 stone he'd always say "my alarm bells will start ringing if I go over 14stone again, if that ever happens, I'll know I need to diet". Yesterday he said "My alarm bells are 15stone. If ever I go over 15 stone, I'll know to diet". This is such a repeat of history I'm terrified. I can guarantee in 6 months time he'll be saying "my alarm bells are 16 stone ... "

An example of his current eating - 2 days ago he had his tea (stir fry) with mini spring rolls, then he ate a bowl of cornflakes afterwards. Then a cereal bar. A bit later he ate 6 mini spring rolls. A packet of crisps. THEN he cooked himself a pizza. This was all from 5pm upto 9pm. He says there is no problem, he's just able to eat "normally" now but he seems to forget that HIS normal is NOT normal. I can't go through it all again. If he starts to balloon again I'm not sure I can promise to support him again. I've told him this. He translates it to "so you're saying if I'm fat you won't love me, some wife you are".

I don't think any of us are blaming her, just asking the question "who does the shopping?". We don't actually know whether the OP or her husband makes the choices, and it is irrelevant unless they live so far from civilisation the Tesco Direct lorry cannot reach them.

I don't buy biscuits or cakes very often but all my DC can whip up a batch for themselves if they want a treat.

Totally agree with you Ingrid, OP needs to give him back total responsibility for his health.

Totally agree with Ingrid. My Dad was like this. I posted on another thread yesterday, he used to pinch food off our plates and if my Mum made a big pot of stuff before she went to work he'd scoff the lot. It's a disorder alright and this man needs to take responsibility for getting himself some help.

The OP can be the supportive wife she's always been but she shouldn't take the role of carer, she's his wife.

OP... Is your husband having any follow-up checks on his weight since the surgery? His GP will note the weight gain and perhaps could give your husband a stern warning about not going to the counselling sessions... he's lucky to have them available, counsellors in some parts of the country are booked up for months.

Would you blame her if he was an alcoholic? Perhaps you would.

if she was buying it?

He's risking his health by eating so much. Having had that surgery he's at high risk of all sorts of nasty consequences if he eats too much now, his body literally can't handle it any more.

I really don't know what you do, but my first thought was for OP talk to her own GP, for getting her help in coping if nothing else.

he is a compulsive over eater
there are many self-help groups on each day of the week, he should go along
first step is going to be hard but he may in fact get addicted to the self help group too and will be happy/have to go along. This does seem to happen among people with this type of issue

there are often trigger food and they must be avoided at all time
And sorry, while he will find ways to bing any way, you must NOT keep any junk in your house, no sugar whatsoever, no ready meal whatsoever (keep them frozen so at least they are not easily accessible)
you should have always something healthy to munch on, carrots, celery, low fat cheese (if cheese is not the trigger which often is) frozen yogurt, rice/mais cakes, oat cakes

cook every meal without too much salt, avoid carbs choose rise over pasta etc etc, protein and greens instead

you must know what healthy eating is, so just stick too it. It is hard work but you would not keep alcohol in the house of an recovering alcholist and here is exactly the same

and (mommyMayhem)implying that if she doesn't, she wants him to die

I felt that I needed to address this as obviously that is not what I meant at all. The OP obviously cares very much for her DH which is why she is on here asking for advice.

The OP has not said whether it is her or him who do the shopping, however if it is her, then I think the accusation of enabling (made by some of the posters here) is justified. Anyone with any knowledge of addiction would agree.

Spring rolls, cornflakes, pastie, cereal bar, stir fry...pizza...these are the things listed, given there was ice cream and chocolate as well, but what normal family doesn't have these in the house, ever?

MommyMayhem, I'm glad you have clarified - your original post stated clearly that you would do what it was you suggested OP ought to do 'because I love my husband and don't want him to die', which came across as implying that if the OP didn't act in the way you suggested, she didn't love him and didn't mind if he died.

You can't not buy food because someone in your house is addicted to it. It doesn't matter what it is - he would overdose on bread if that's all he has access to.

sorry I disagree, even as a temporary measure, trigger food must stay out
junk is bad for anybody anyway
I was a co over 20 yrs ago, and even if it worked out well for me at the time, it did take ages and the potential to binge never goes away, ever!

I feel for you, WCFU :(

As others have said, he's just as addicted and just as self-abandoning as an alcoholic, a gambler or a drug addict. The same tragic rules apply: You can't control it; You can't cure it; You didn't cause it. Equally, he won't take responsibility for his own problem until he reaches his 'rock bottom'. Whether or not you can wait to find out where his bottom line is, you're facing a very tough set of choices.

If you were to try forcing a crisis - by leaving him or by staging an intervention - how's that likely to work out?

IB, with the exception of the stir fry, no, I don't think the other things should be in the house of somebody with an eating disorder. The easier they are to access, the more likely he is to eat them. The mini spring rolls for instance are full of fat. Ditto pizza and packet of crisps. I think the OP should ban them.

JFTO, there were lots of eating-disordered people in rehab with me. They have a far more complex problem that the other addicts, as you can't cut food out of your life. EDs have to do what alcoholics deem impossible - learn to manage their substance use on a daily basis.

Like an alcoholic, an overeater will find ways to get his hands on his 'substance' if anybody tries to control their access! He has to learn to do it for himself (or not.)

this is it - you are putting the entire emphasis on the spouse and their potential to try and 'limit' or 'control' access to the substance.

That's missing the point.
This chap will obtain his fix whatever she does. and is she supposed to deny herself or her children (if she has children) 'normal' foods just to try and control the husband's addiction - which won't work in any case?

Grace is spot on. If OP takes responsibility for controlling her DH's intake it will hinder his taking the responsibility for himself and thus his recovery - in short it would be counterproductive. He will put her into the role he himself should be taking - the 'parent' or the 'adult' - while remaining in the victim or child role himself.

In fact he's already doing that.

I do see your point IB, but I just think he would stand a much better chance of controlling his behaviour if he wasn't surrounded by temptation.

Thanks for all the replies, I have been at work but back now to answer questions. Ok, DH does the shopping. He insists. He's a very stubborn man and even in the past where I've not even discussed it with him, I've just gone out and done the shopping myself (leaving all the unhealthy stodge out) he'll simply get his coat on as soon as I get home and go back out to "buy the rest". At one point, he was eating 3 packets of crisps a day so I talked to him and as far as I knew, he'd agreed with me that we needed to "ban" crisps from the house. I thought this was going well until I realised there was a constant supply of doritoes hidden in the car. I buy salad and fruit, he refuses to touch it. The gastric bypass stopped him from eating large amounts of food at first. When he first came out of hospital he could only manage tiny baby sized portions but they gradually increased over time. His stomach began to stretch (like they said it would) and although he still can't eat massive meals, he's found a way around it in that he still eats tons of crap but he spreads it out over a few hours. His stomach can cope with that.
I honestly cannot control what he eats. Lets liken it to alcoholism again - I stop allowing alcohol in the house - he'll only go to the pub/shop etc and buy it himself.

Yes, that's true - of course it is - but it isn't the answer. It's just a side issue tbh - most of us can be surrounded by food of all types and not feel compelled to consume it.

He needs some help, but the sort of help that works on him, not his environment, because the environment can't always be controlled (unless he is kept in solitary with access only to lettuce)

It can help to reduce temptation but it won't cure him or solve the deeper problem.

x posts, that was to MM - sorry, will read your post now OP.

A week ago he bought a selection box home, someone had given him it (reduced item, they wanted rid). It had 6 chocolate bars in it. He said to me "which ones do you want?" I said "I'll have the whisper and the flake". He scoffed the lot within 2 days but the flake remained in thr fridge. 2 days later its still there. He's saying "are you going to eat that?" and I keep saying "yes, when I feel like it". He says "its been there two days, I'll have it if you don't want it ....?" I say "I'm having it, just leave it alone." He thinks I'm doing it on purpose to wind him up. He can't grasp the concept that a chocolate bar can remain for two days without being eaten.

Don't be silly, Mommymayhem, he's a grown man, not a fat five year old.

You canot fill a house with only fruit and vegetasbles just in case someone wants to self harm (which is what overeating to this extent is) - it would be like making someone use a plastic fork in case they want to cut themselves.

This man needs to take some responsibility for his OWN diet, and for what he puts in his OWN mouth. getting someone else to do it for him just gives him an enemy to rebel against, and an excuse to behave like a spoilt brat.

WCFU has outlined the issue poignantly.

You are in a really difficult position, OP - do you see it as an irredeemable situation for your relationship, or would you like to try and continue the marriage - reliant of course on his accessing proper help in a committed way?

I know he won't though Ingrid. He just denies there is a problem, says he only eats when he's hungry (although he's hungry all the time until he feels physically sick from eating so much). He would never, ever go and get professional help. I just don't know what to do anymore, it can't go on. He admitted last week that he's gone back up a dress size in jeans from last year and I've noticed another old blast from the past arising = refusal to step on the scales. Burrying his head in the sand, ignorence is bliss.

Thanks for updating us, WCFU. May I ask, does he have a gastric band? If so, is there any way you can convince him to have it tightened? Also, is there any way you could convince him to go to Overeaters Anonymous? There are a few meetings just in my tiny little country, so I am sure there are loads in the UK.

I do understand that only he can do it, that is why I think you need to show him a bit of tough love to help get him motivated.

Hi MM, no he had the actual bypass. As far as I know the stomach is actually cut into two, the intestines attached to the tiny stomach that has been created, hence the name bypass, because it all bypasses the main stomach. Problem with it however is that the tiny stomach will soon grow again if it's over filled and I think this is what is happening. These past couple of weeks have been terrible, he's just been eating non-stop. I think his stomach has stretched enough now to allow this and it will only get worse. There's no way in hell they'll do it again for him. Half of me thinks "sod it, just leave him to it, show him you're not prepared to stick around and watch it again" but I know full well if I leave him he WILL eat himself to death. The only reason he isn't buying take-aways every night now is because I'd a) know about it and b) kick off to high heaven.

I went away for two weeks at the end of Dec and apparantly he had take-away almost every other night.

I am not sure if your relationship can really be sustainable if he won't seek help...his problem must NOT be allowed to become your problem, aside from the fact it will hurt you anyway if someone you love makes themselves seriously ill.

He has to be left to get on with it, in a sense.

I don't know what to suggest; only you can decide if your marriage - as it stands, not as it could be, and this is an important difference - is worth hanging on to.

Perhaps if you did tell him you were leaving he might see that as good enough reason to sort himself out. But if you don't, and just carry on putting up with it, he absolutely won't sort himself out.

I don't think he believes he will actually lose you. Last time you went, he knew you were coming back - he was almost punishing you for going.

If he doesn't know you'll come back he might step up and take responsibility.

You can't be the only thing keeping him alive - and it's not working anyway. He's doing it anyway, and you haven't left him (yet).