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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and his eating disorder. Don't know if I can do it all again.

101 replies

WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 07:26

Just over two years ago my DH reached 29 and a half stone. He was given a gastric bypass operation on the NHS and by last october, he weighed 13.5stone. His eating issues were never addressed though, he was given appointments for councellors etc but he never went. As far as he was conserned, he'd lost the weight and that was all there was to it. So gradually he started eating more. Not so noticable at first, just the odd packet of crisps/chocolate bar here and there but then the suppers started coming back on an evening. Just a few biscuits at first but this progressed to meat pies/take-aways etc. He was weighed last week and the scales said 14st 6lbs. That means he's put on a stone since last Oct. Now when he was 13.5 stone he'd always say "my alarm bells will start ringing if I go over 14stone again, if that ever happens, I'll know I need to diet". Yesterday he said "My alarm bells are 15stone. If ever I go over 15 stone, I'll know to diet". This is such a repeat of history I'm terrified. I can guarantee in 6 months time he'll be saying "my alarm bells are 16 stone ... "

An example of his current eating - 2 days ago he had his tea (stir fry) with mini spring rolls, then he ate a bowl of cornflakes afterwards. Then a cereal bar. A bit later he ate 6 mini spring rolls. A packet of crisps. THEN he cooked himself a pizza. This was all from 5pm upto 9pm. He says there is no problem, he's just able to eat "normally" now but he seems to forget that HIS normal is NOT normal. I can't go through it all again. If he starts to balloon again I'm not sure I can promise to support him again. I've told him this. He translates it to "so you're saying if I'm fat you won't love me, some wife you are".

OP posts:
MommyMayhem · 02/02/2011 13:29

Oh dear. I really feel for you. And him.

What do you think would happen if you issued an ultimatum like:

"I don't want to hang around and watch you eat yourself to death. Get help - now - or I'm leaving".

I'm not suggesting you do this, just wondering what you think might happen if you did?

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 13:32

I honestly think he would be happy that he could eat whatever he wanted whenever he wanted without me there to police him. We don't seem to be that close anymore tbh, ever since all this started up again. I think he's feeling ashamed and maybe he'd like me out of the picture so he could carry on and not have to feel guilty. Thats the impression I get sometimes.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2011 13:33

YOU need support, OP, never mind about your husband. Can you speak to somebody at Overeaters Anonymous to get some help/advice for you? Would your GP be able to help at all?

I'm wondering if your husband's GP could try to stop your husband from going down this self-destructive route before it's too late? As you say, they won't do the surgery twice but without your husband's commitment to counselling, what is his prognosis going to be?

cestlavie · 02/02/2011 13:36

Agree with LWTW.

If this was alcohol, you'd be speaking to people who know how to help deal with this sort of problem/ addiction. Ideally so they can begin to help your DH but certainly to provider some support to you - you absolutely are not alone in having a partner who is addicted to something damaging and who refuses to acknowledge this/ do anything about it.

Perhaps a good step would be to speak to Overeaters Anonymous to see what they suggest?

donnie · 02/02/2011 13:37

I feel very sad for you OP. This is the inherent problem with gastric bands: they do nothing to remove the cause, which is overeating, they just offer a short term solution for the symptom, which is being massively overweight. I suspect at the back of your dp's head, buried very deep is the thought that if he ends up gigantic again the Doctors will offer him another miracle and make it all go away. It absolves him of all responsibility.

I think you need to offer some very, very tough love, and harsh truths. I think you need to lay it on the line and tell him he is eating himself into an early grave and you cannot cope. Start by printing off this thread. Keep a detailed daily record of every single thing he eats and make him read it. Do not allow him to bury his head ion the sand.

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 13:39

WCFU< that's unbearably sad but when it comes down to it, it's his choice - and it is hurtful for you to think he might choose this over you.

But you can't change that - only he can.

You can remove yourself from the situation and let him choose.

ziggiz · 02/02/2011 13:42

WHO BUYS THE FOOD REALLY IS NOT A HELPFUL QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It really has nothing to do with who buy the food and I haven't got time to explain why I say that but those who have written that earlier made my blood boil as someone once said... until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes...

Sorry OP I am no help but just wanted to stop such unhelpful comments.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 13:42

Do you have children OP?

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 13:47

yes we have children. DH went through a phase of over-feeding them too and even now if he makes their packed lunches he fills them with crap. Yesterday for instance they had a huge pastie, a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar and a bottle of cordial. I was mortified when I found out but I feel like I'm in a constant battle. Trying to keep the kids healthy (seemingly impossible in this house as DH flls the cupboards with crap) and watching him eat his way to the grave.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/02/2011 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 13:49

He still gives them huge portions if he makes the dinner. I have to monitor the plates before they leave the kitchen and then he calls me hitler. I don't have a clue what DH eats during the day, he tells me but I don't believe him. For example: "I had chicken and salad for lunch". Yeah right, more like burger and chips with a side plate of crisps. I am going to start writing down everything he eats, tally up the calories and present it to him at the end of the week.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/02/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MommyMayhem · 02/02/2011 13:52

Does he work?

lyra41 · 02/02/2011 13:56

Hi

I don#t have time to read the whole thread, but Overeaters Anonymous is a good organisation to help your dh address his relationship with food. If you look at their website, you can find a meeting near you. it is www.oa.org

the problem may be getting him to acknowledge he needs help.

Good luck.

warthog · 02/02/2011 13:56

there are major health issues associated with obesity.

can you get him to the gp?

MidnightsChild · 02/02/2011 13:56

WCFU, I agree with much of what has been said here and I wish you the very best.

One thing I wanted to comment on was your DH saying he only eats when he's hungry because he almost certainly doesn't feel hunger like a person with a healthy relationship to food. I've had weight problems and yo-yo dieted for years. The one time I felt it was within my power to change was when I noticed the full feeling ... by which I mean noticing the full signal whilst eating and before being over-full or feeling sick. In other words, I noticed that I felt full before all the food on my plate was gone and could then make a decision to either eat past it, or stop. That has transformed my relationship with food.

Years ago, a counsellor said she believed I pushed my negative emotions down my throat with food. It was a powerful image ... but until I honestly participated in counselling, faced my fears and learned to accept myself, it was something I couldn't stop doing. I do hope you are able to persuade your DH to overcome his fears of what he might have to face when he attends counselling.

TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2011 13:57

If you want to stay with him, you have to insist on three rules:

YOU do the shopping and
YOU feed the children
HE gets professional help and sticks with it

What he buys for himself and eats elsewhere is not in your control, but the way he is eating in front of your children and the way he overfeeds them with junk is giving THEM life long health and food problems. You wouldn't let an anorexic under feed your children, it would just be an absolute no...this is no different.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2011 13:58

WCFU... He's overfeeding your children? :(

Blimey you really need some help and support. Children can be really affected by things like this and it's possible that they could have disordered eating also unless your husband gets help - or leaves. It might kickstart him into taking care of himself or it might not - but at least he won't be taking you and your children down with him.

I'm trying really hard not to project, but I wish that my Mum had asked my Dad to leave years before she actually did. She tried everything to get him to sort himself out to, to no avail. It would have saved her and us years of heartbreak and stress.

Does your husband work? Have friends? Is there anybody that he respects that you could ask to talk to him?

I don't think it's a question of him not loving you, he hates himself to my way of thinking. He has no control over food and that must make him feel 'weak'. To consciously therefore make the decision to 'eat and eat', in his own messed up head, he's 'taking control'.

I agree with the poster who's taken issue with those saying it's your responsibility - it isn't.

You can't do this on your own... get some expert help. It's not your job to 'fix him', it's his and he'll never do that whilst you're his backstop.

loscann · 02/02/2011 14:02

WCFU - I'm not sure tallying up his calories will make much difference. I think it'll just cement the parent-child dynamic he's foisting upon you, and result in more (undeserved) "hitler" comments.

Change has to come from him. He has to want it. You can't fix an addiction for him.

So the question is can you live with it if he won't fix himself? Would separating help him realise he needs to help himself?

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 14:03

Does he understand that he's modelling this behaviour to them as normal? Can he understand that he is going to hand them eating problems on a plate (so to speak)?

I think I would have to leave him in your position.

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 14:05

No, don't count his calories - again that's going to make it worse - you'd be allowing him to 'blame' you, call you Hitler, etc etc - thus neatly removing the responsibility from him.

i agree on the three rules. You have to keep your cildren safe from this - don't get into an argument, just do the children's food.

Don't let him - and if he insists, leave him.

It's the only way and he is being very aggressive in a passive way - calling you names and insisting on shopping/overfeeding the kids is really wrong.

Let him treat himself as he wishes, but not your kids. The more you step back from counting his calories and taking charge of what HE eats, the more he will realise he'll die unless he changes.

He will never change if you carry on x

QuintessentialShadows · 02/02/2011 14:06

Can you write a letter to the gp and outline the concerns? Ask if the GP can call him in for a "post op review" and find out more about his eating habits, and help him get control over the situation?

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 14:07

Sorry, x posts with Loscann.

OA will tell you all this stuff, I hope, if you contact them - they are probably the experts.

They are seriously your best chance for advice on how to behave around him not to make him worse. You can't make him better but you can avoid making it worse iyswim.

Original poster
WorriedConcernedFedUp · 02/02/2011 14:09

He's worked full time since last October. He has no friends though. Never goes out anywhere, no hobbies other than sitting playing on his stupid phone games. Sometimes I really, really struggle to see what I'm doing here at all Sad he's so nasty sometimes too which I think is all related to his own disgust for himself. We went to York for the afternoon last weekend. Pulling into the park and ride a car full of women stopped in front of us and they all started piling out, rather than waiting until it was parked up properly. This blocked up the road and yes it was stupid and annoying. But DH TOTALLY over-reacted. Sat there ffing and blinding eg. "for fcks sake, stupid lazy fcking bastards, fucking selfish twats, what a stupid fcking thing to fcking do, f*cking pathetic fat cows..." he did this loudly. I was so embarrassed I literally sank into my seat and covered my face with my hand. I didn't even dare make eye contact with them. He's always going on about "fat, disgusting people" too which is obviously just a reflection on his own image but his horrible attitude wears me down. I know its all related to his eating disorder but I really struggle sometimes to remember why it's my problem and I know that sounds awful and selfish but sometimes I just want to throw divorce papers at him and go out and find a normal bloke.

OP posts:
clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 14:09

are you overweight OP?

I only ask because if you are he might think oh she is one to talk

if you arent he might think oh she doesnt know how hard it is

I think tbh you have to let him get on with it, you cant change him same as you couldnt stop him drinking unless he wants to change