Its Wrong But Feels So Right

[ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight]

I have name changed for this and it will probably be worded wrong

I have been with DP for 5 yrs.
When we got together we were both married but already seperated.
My divorce was finalised the same year just 2 months after we got together.
He moved into my home pretty quick although after a few days I made it clear it was too soon for me so he moved back out. We moved bak in together after he was taken ill and a hospital stay. I fell pregnant the same year.

Fast forward to us being together 4 years which takes us to last year he proposed to me and I accepted, now maybe stupidly I went and bought the "perfect" wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, along with other items.

I even went as far as booking a date at the church. Then just before Christmas he dropped the bomb shell that he has not done anything with the divorce.

I have been taking time out for myself for a few months and over the last 4/5 weeks have become close to someone. Nothing has happened - well we have kissed a few times. He listens to me, and vice versa. He is 2yrs older than DP BUT so much younger iyswim?

Now I know even kissing him is wrong - in my heart of hearts I know DP doesn't want to marry me otherwise he would have carried on with the divorce which I made the initial payment for when he was skint.

Ii have started to make friends where I am going out of a weekend BUT I am also seeing how little DP is actually with me. Yes he works but even when he has a day off he spends his time on his hobby or vegging on the chair all day.

Last night I went out somewhere different to my usual place and my "friend" was there - working. He had told me he would give me a lift home and I spent the entire evening laughing and talking just generally having a good time. He offered me drinks which I refused but did buy my own and a couple for him.

He did bring me home - at 4am after we had been for a very late night coffee in an all night coffee shop.

Today we have been texting and talking - just general chit chat.
Now kiss aside there is nothing going to happen - I just am enjoying having someone to talk to.

I have sat down with DP many times and tried to talk, have listened etc , i have emailed him, text him and even written him letters to explain how I feel about things. But he ignores it all.

He won't come to any family thing unless he has caused a row before hand during which he gets DS1 laughing at me which infuriates me.

Its almost as if he is staying as he has nowhere else to go.

I am rambling I know but am trying to get all of this out in one go and everything is blanding in together.

tbh i would go with your gutt feeling on this. But i would be warey about leaving the relationship because of someone else. I would leave because it wasnt right and wasnt working. Nothing to say OM will hang about. If you split do it for the right reasons - because it is best for you.

Lair, he isnt the OM he is a friend, I have known him about 6m but in the last 4 weeks or so we have really started talking iyswim.

I knew it would come out wrong!

If I do leave the relationship I will be doing so because I know deep down it is so wrong.

I think right now I am only here because of the children.

You have kissed. You are having an affair, all be it an emotional one (mostly) by the sound of it.

You need to sort out your relationship with DP, for the sake of the children, either way.

your DP looks like someone who likse things done to him, preferably without him lifting a finger...

I would not get inot anything at all now
you have to sort out your life

can you start working
(are kids his kids)

being the guy he is he's not going to change status quo - why should he?

you've learned of him not finalising his divorce, lying to you and then nothing happened

I think that you may soo have to show him the door...

I can't work, so worry about providing for the DC.

DS2 is his DS1 is mine - but ours iyswim? Actually although biologically he is not ds1's father ds1 is his and ds2 mine if that makes any sense.

I have to point out he does look after us in many ways. And -maybe I am wrong - but is understanding of me still wanting to go out as there is such an age difference between us.

My friend knows I am in a relationship and that we shouldn't have kissed and he apologised. It wasn't his fault - it was just one of those things.

I am so confused.

We have not been to bed at the same time in many many months, he goes to bed, and I sit up. then when he is asleep I go to bed.

In many many ways I couldn't want for a better person - but in other ways I want so much more

op - i justed used om because i am tired, my brain doesnt work, i am inflicting pain in the form of physio on myself atm and i could figure out easily what else to call him.

Honestly on his actions alone i would have been shot, but that is easier said then done. Sometimes it helps to have a motivating factor to take a tentative step into the unknown.

If you are only there for the children sometimes it is better if you are not. And i say that as a kid who spent a lot of their childhood wishing their parents would just get a fucking divorce so the fighting would stop. They didnt and they are still fighting Both resent alot of things that have happened. Neither is really happen. They are just of the generation of not believing in divorce. You need to do what makes you happy. the children will quickly grow up (sad but true) and you need to make sure that you are sorted out for you too. iyswim.

*couldnt

I am sat here in tears.
DP is at work until 3am
Friend just text to see if I was ok and say he had really enjoyed last night - if i am honest so did i - probably more than I should have.

I'm not saying you're a bad person, but seeing this man is not going to help the situation, it's going to make you feel worse (which it sounds like it already is).

What if your DP found your phone?

What has your DP done, other than been a bit crap about sorting out his divorce?

My DP has failed to find his decree absolute for about a year now, his XW can't remember the court that issued it, so it's a bit of a needle in a haystack but we're equally as guilty as not making time to actually get married! I don't think that makes him a bad person, just disorganised.

The difference is the church has been booked since august last year and he is not just disorganized he hasn't bothered at all. As for what makes me feel bad it's his lack of action and commitment to me.
I have been waiting patiently but nothing has progressed.

have you spoken to him about it?

He won't talk

Well basically you have to decide how bad the current relationship is, because if you can't work (I sense this is due to a disability rather than due to childcare issues or something), you will be a bit financially screwed if you leave.

If you split your DP would presumably give you maintenance for DS2, but not for you or DS1 as you are not currently married.

Are there reasons why your DP has not pursued his divorce- i.e. his ex wife isn't playing ball etc. Seems odd that neither of them have sought to progress it when it's been 5 years, just out of apathy. I would say that one of them (not necessarily your DP) is holding things up. Maybe he cant afford to go to court and is burying his head in the sand about it?

Bagged, she is in another country, he has been told by the online company that it will only take 20 weeks from when he submits the questionaire and pays the fee's.

I have taken out 3 loans so far for him to pay for it and he has spent the money on other things.

2 lots went on having the clamps removed from the car which totalled just under a thousand pound.

I am paying these back.

they have been seperated for 5 yrs and the divorce would be straight forward.

I have had to do all the leg work, making initial payment, applying for marriage certificate etc

and would he give me maintenane for ds2 hmm I don't know considering I had to force him to see his ds2 and told him to pay his ex for the boy.

I think he would have to give you maintenance for his biological children, although you might have to go through the CSA if he doesn't give it willingly.

If there's nothing stopping him getting divorced then I have to say it sounds as though he's not that keen on marriage to you- the fact that you had to take out loans to pay for it suggests there's a problem.

Whether that means he doesn't see a future in the relationship or whether he just doesn't want to get married is another matter.

Even though he doesn't want to talk about it, I think you have to force the issue. If he absolutely refuses to engage, then I think you've got your answer.

You keep taking out loans for his divorce and he spends it on other things ?

He is sponging off you, love

You are literally paying off his debts for him ?

He won't marry you, and when you have no money left, he will have no further use for you

I am really sorry, but you are being used

You need to really open your eyes

AF, I guess I didnt think of him as sponging off me as he works full time.

He has woken up this morning and started a row. He does it everytime it is someones b'day or other celebration.

I will be back soon need to sort kithen out as have gas man coming.

I so want to reveal who I am but am embarrassed.

Oh for gods sake, get rid of him. He sounds bloody awful, vegging out on his chair, spending your money on clampers, no divorce, no interest in going out. Why are you with him?

This friend is a wake up call that not all men are like your partner. Only you can decide if you want to split with your partner but whta you describe sounds an unhappy situation for you and the kids. Good luck.

I have invited some people up to mine tomorrow as it is my birthday and he has just told me unless I get the place properly sorted then I will not be allowed anyone here......I have the place clean and tidy but still needs some decorating as I only moved in a week or so ago.

He also told me "unless you sort yourself out and do as you are told i won't be getting a divorce"

I know what my problem is, I don't want to be on my own with 2 children.
I was on my own with DS1 for long enough, and I know I would for a while struggle - but I also know in the long run both the children and I would be happier.

What? He told you what he would and wouldn't allow?

Oh for fuck sake, you know what you need to do, you need to tell him to sling his hook, and fast. Why inflict that on your kids and yourself. He sounds bloody hideous.

"Unless you sort yourself out and do as you are told"?

That's it, he's done you a favour, he's given you an out. You can say you have no intention of sorting yourself out as you're perfectly happy how you are, and if he doesn't like it how about taking a long hike. Hold open the door for him ever so politely; help him pack if he doesn't get the hint. I suggest you stop deflecting your attention onto other men until you've got this one out of your life, the sooner the better.

Honestly, I can't believe he strung you along to the extent that you'd bought your wedding dress and all sorts before you found out he wasn't free to marry. Or were you not listening when he said don't book anything just yet?

You know the saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? This man has fooled you three times so far on one issue alone. Are you going to go on letting him make a fool of you any longer?

Annie, he wanted to book it all etc I really thought he had sorted it all out.

But this is just one of many things he hasn't bothered with.

Last year he got a parking ticket and told me for 9 months he had paid it whenever I mentioned it - then one day I woke to find a clamp on the car and it was for the ticket - £500 later he admitted he had not paid it.