Its Wrong But Feels So Right

[ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight]

I have name changed for this and it will probably be worded wrong

I have been with DP for 5 yrs.
When we got together we were both married but already seperated.
My divorce was finalised the same year just 2 months after we got together.
He moved into my home pretty quick although after a few days I made it clear it was too soon for me so he moved back out. We moved bak in together after he was taken ill and a hospital stay. I fell pregnant the same year.

Fast forward to us being together 4 years which takes us to last year he proposed to me and I accepted, now maybe stupidly I went and bought the "perfect" wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, along with other items.

I even went as far as booking a date at the church. Then just before Christmas he dropped the bomb shell that he has not done anything with the divorce.

I have been taking time out for myself for a few months and over the last 4/5 weeks have become close to someone. Nothing has happened - well we have kissed a few times. He listens to me, and vice versa. He is 2yrs older than DP BUT so much younger iyswim?

Now I know even kissing him is wrong - in my heart of hearts I know DP doesn't want to marry me otherwise he would have carried on with the divorce which I made the initial payment for when he was skint.

Ii have started to make friends where I am going out of a weekend BUT I am also seeing how little DP is actually with me. Yes he works but even when he has a day off he spends his time on his hobby or vegging on the chair all day.

Last night I went out somewhere different to my usual place and my "friend" was there - working. He had told me he would give me a lift home and I spent the entire evening laughing and talking just generally having a good time. He offered me drinks which I refused but did buy my own and a couple for him.

He did bring me home - at 4am after we had been for a very late night coffee in an all night coffee shop.

Today we have been texting and talking - just general chit chat.
Now kiss aside there is nothing going to happen - I just am enjoying having someone to talk to.

I have sat down with DP many times and tried to talk, have listened etc , i have emailed him, text him and even written him letters to explain how I feel about things. But he ignores it all.

He won't come to any family thing unless he has caused a row before hand during which he gets DS1 laughing at me which infuriates me.

Its almost as if he is staying as he has nowhere else to go.

I am rambling I know but am trying to get all of this out in one go and everything is blanding in together.

Hmm... children never do want things to change, you know, even when it's desirable or even inevitable. Of course you put your precious child first, as one must. However that doesn't mean you give him everything he wants regardless of whether it's good for him - at least I hope it doesn't!

You said in your OP that STBXP makes DS1 laugh at you in arguments. This unpleasant man is driving a wedge between you and your child. Now he's using that to keep his foot in your door. It's your life and your circumstances, therefore your judgement call, but if I were you I'd start looking at ways in which you can fairly co-parent without having to stay under the same roof. If it's sensitively handled the DCs will get over it and even find some positives in the situation. Don't tell me it's good for young children to have their mummy all frazzled through being shouted at when she should be sleeping, and all that other unnecessary nastiness. I bet however good a parent STBXP is he isn't a better one than you. If you were carted off to the asylum he wouldn't look after the boys as well as you do. (I am not saying that fathers aren't as good as mothers, but that an abusive, unprincipled liar, however fun he may be, is not ever going to be a better parent than an honest, caring one.) So for their sakes you need to look after yourself. And if that means giving the cocklodger his marching orders, that's what's gotta happen.

ps Forgot to say, so glad you had a good evening with the right sort of friends.

I'm somewhat baffled by this thread and people's responses to it. TLES I've seen your posts and threads before and on them, I've queried your own bizarre behaviour in this relationship. I'm specifically referring to your threads about your friends expressing concern about your constant late-night drinking and flirting, leaving your P at home with the DCs, your own admissions that you are secretive with your phone, storing numbers under false names and deleting everything in case your P sees it.

Had you declared your real posting name in your OP, I would have nodded and sighed, because as someone who has followed your denials, I could see where this was heading and that meant infidelity (which kissing another man is, of course).

Then you give us the back story about your P and it tells us that this relationship is toxic, but it seems it is on both sides. I don't see your P as the only one enacting abusive behaviours here and I don't think it will help you resolve your own issues if you don't look at your own behaviour and perhaps how you have been responding to your justifiable concerns about your partner.

It is self evident that this relationship must end and that you are bad for eachother and this must be a horrible environment to raise children. I feel most sorry for them, to be honest.

My advice to you would be to make a clean break and live separately, but to have some solo counselling about your own issues and responses. It might also be worth having a chat with a friend who will be painfully honest with you about how your behaviour has been perceived in recent months and whether it has been obvious that you have been avoidant and in denial about your real grievances.

How come your second child is not his? How do you pay for all his things if you don't work?

I don't store peoples numbers under falsa names.

I have always had nicknames for certain people and they are the names they are stored under.

I go out twice a week and it was long ago established that I don't flirt it was what other people see. I simply laugh n joke with my friends.

He is happy to be home with the children....he has no friends.

I kissed someone, i didn't jump into bed with them and it was something both he and I are in agreeance that it shouldn't have happened and won't again.

The boys are absoloutely fine, we generally
avoid arguing in front of them although on occassion have done.

I am not in denial about anything.

Maybe the reason I started going out was because I felt something was wrong in the relationship.

Noddy, he is his but he is my baby iyswim?

The things I have paid for have been with loans which i pay back out of my child benefit...credit union.

DS1 is mine from a previous relationship
DS2 is ours.

DS1 and DP have a better relationship than DS2 and DP because DS2 is always with me and is my baby.

Why don't you just separate then?It sounds dysfunctional and quite a childish relationship.It is ok to be grown up and admit you both got it wrong You can still be good parents

we are sepeerating fgs i am not putting him on the streets though.

he is staying in your flat, yes ?

indefinitely ?

or until you find another bloke ?

tles...come on, nothing has changed here and you are still letting a man who you don't even really like sponge off you

I said this before upthread...is he just your resident babysitter to enable your partying ?

AF, No he isn't a babysitter.
I have said he can stay until he finds somewhere else which will give me time to prepare DS1 a bit better.

and I really don't want another man in my life.

TLES I remember your threads. It might have been established in your mind that you weren't flirting, but it certainly wasn't in mine and surely the proof is in the pudding here, otherwise how do you come to the point of kissing another man if you weren't flirting with him?

Your secrecy about your phone is much worse than you're making out here, too. You've said it all on other threads.

I don't mean to be harsh because I can see you're in a bad place, but I don't think it's going to help you if you see yourself as a complete victim. It baffles me, for example, that you didn't pursue whether he had obtained his divorce and put your head in the sand about it, until he revealed all at Christmas.

But by that time in any case, you had long since started socialising on your own and with other men, so this clearly isn't the major catalyst you alluded to in your OP.

I expect you're right that you wouldn't have started going out on your own if the relationship had been right, but that was a strange response, don't you think, for an adult in a relationship? There was a myriad of other choices you could have made, to express your dissatisfaction with him and the relationship.

You don't sound like someone who doesn't want a man in their life! If you are separating surely you can do what you like although I haven't heard of your sutuation on here before just going on this thread and AF sounds right he sounds like a babysitter

tles, he won't move out

he will sit tight, waiting until you have calmed down about your non-wedding and then soft-soap you again

make promises he has no intention of keeping, like he did before

all the time the utter nastiness he displays will eat away a you, and damage your children

this is no good, and you will be back with a siliar thread in a couple of months time

if you really do want him out get him out

why the limbo ?

similar thread

it'snot your responsiblity to house this man, who has leeched ££ of you

Agreed. Doesn't he have friends or family he can stay with?

It must be indescribably awful for your DC to be in the middle of this. It would surely be putting them first (rather than him) by requiring him to leave.

Also, I thought from another thread that he had moved out and had his own place. I might be confused, but why can't he go back there?

Shiny, he was living elsewhere. Then when I moved he came with me it was meant to be a fresh start for all of us. But for different reasons.

He cannot go back to where he was as the people he was living with have sold their house and moved out of the country.

His family have not spoken to him in 8 yrs.

And until he saves some money he has not got anywhere to go.

I didn't flirt with my friend we are just that friends who ended up sharing a kiss. But both agreed it was wrong.

as for his divorce, I trusted him when he said he was sorting it out. Just as I did with mine.

Today we have had a long chat and have agreed that the situation is not right and that we have to sort the situation out asap.

it sounds so reasonable...we've talked and agreed it;s not right!! of course it's not right. he's ripped you off, taken your money, threatens to ruin your social life, lies to you and you kissed someone else as your relationship is on the rocks! and your children are stuck in the middle.

can he not get anywhere with any social housing or a B&B or something.. he can't live with you til he's saved! he owes you £££ anyway.. does he work?

"And until he saves some money he has not got anywhere to go."

Well perhaps he should have thought about that before.

It's not your problem. You owe him absolutely nothing. He's an adult. He needs to start acting like one and arrange a place to live.