Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its Wrong But Feels So Right

122 replies

ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight · 31/01/2011 00:00

I have name changed for this and it will probably be worded wrong Sad

I have been with DP for 5 yrs.
When we got together we were both married but already seperated.
My divorce was finalised the same year just 2 months after we got together.
He moved into my home pretty quick although after a few days I made it clear it was too soon for me so he moved back out. We moved bak in together after he was taken ill and a hospital stay. I fell pregnant the same year.

Fast forward to us being together 4 years which takes us to last year he proposed to me and I accepted, now maybe stupidly I went and bought the "perfect" wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, along with other items.

I even went as far as booking a date at the church. Then just before Christmas he dropped the bomb shell that he has not done anything with the divorce.

I have been taking time out for myself for a few months and over the last 4/5 weeks have become close to someone. Nothing has happened - well we have kissed a few times. He listens to me, and vice versa. He is 2yrs older than DP BUT so much younger iyswim?

Now I know even kissing him is wrong - in my heart of hearts I know DP doesn't want to marry me otherwise he would have carried on with the divorce which I made the initial payment for when he was skint.

Ii have started to make friends where I am going out of a weekend BUT I am also seeing how little DP is actually with me. Yes he works but even when he has a day off he spends his time on his hobby or vegging on the chair all day.

Last night I went out somewhere different to my usual place and my "friend" was there - working. He had told me he would give me a lift home and I spent the entire evening laughing and talking just generally having a good time. He offered me drinks which I refused but did buy my own and a couple for him.

He did bring me home - at 4am after we had been for a very late night coffee in an all night coffee shop.

Today we have been texting and talking - just general chit chat.
Now kiss aside there is nothing going to happen - I just am enjoying having someone to talk to.

I have sat down with DP many times and tried to talk, have listened etc , i have emailed him, text him and even written him letters to explain how I feel about things. But he ignores it all.

He won't come to any family thing unless he has caused a row before hand during which he gets DS1 laughing at me which infuriates me.

Its almost as if he is staying as he has nowhere else to go.

I am rambling I know but am trying to get all of this out in one go and everything is blanding in together.

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 31/01/2011 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/01/2011 11:08

He wanted the wedding booked? Shock

OK, he's more than a sponger, he's a fraudster. He got money from you under false pretences, as well as telling lies that have cost you thousands of pounds. And here you are wasting valuable emotional energy feeling disloyal because you find someone else attractive...

Run away, run away!

Original poster
ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight · 31/01/2011 11:10

I am sat here fighting tears tbh.

He has hurt me, and I promised myself nobody would ever get the chance to hurt me again Sad

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 31/01/2011 11:26

There, I didn't mean to hurt you Sad When you're honest and caring yourself it's hard to realise how some lying turds have no conscience about using other people. We've been a bit robust because it's horrible to see someone nice sleepwalking into a nasty situation. You don't deserve to be hurt.

Mouseface · 31/01/2011 11:28

OP - I think there is more to this than maybe you are saying?

You have gotten yourself into debt for this man, more than once.

You give your DP money under the (his) pretence that he will use it to finance his divorce but he spends it elsewhere.

He controls you with emotional blackmail.

He behaves like a child whenever there is an occasion or event where he won't be the centre of attanetion and then refuses to attend because of a row, that he engineered.

The more you post, the worse it gets.

Why are you with him? What does he give you?

Original poster
ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight · 31/01/2011 11:30

because i love him - but am realising he doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 31/01/2011 11:37

No, he doesn't love you. He's using you.

I'm so glad that you didn't say 'because of the DCs'

You are in an abusive relationship. Maybe not a physically abusive one, but he is emotionally abusing you.

Are you still have a physical relationship with DP?

Are you still 'together'?

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 11:40

Oh love, don't feel foolish for the position you are in

Tell us your real posting name, it will make it feel real, we will not judge you

All the harsh words are about him not you

No, he doesn't love you. He is controlling you, sponging off you and keeping you right where he wants you because you fear being alone

This OM (it is another man) is a symptom of that...can you not be happy just you and the dc ? Another man in the frame will fuck up head up even more

You need to get clear on one thing and one thing only. The man you are currently with is no good for you. Jumping straight into another relationship is no good either...he knows you are taken but is fooling around with you anyway. He is no great catch, either.

Frying pan....fire, my love.

Get this man out of your life. You have been on your own before...you can do it again. Like somneone said, he has told you quite clearly how things will be from now on.

"His way, or you will suffer"

Is this what you want your children to grow up learning...a controlled, unhappy, abused and cowering shell of a woman for a mother is no example of a mother at all.

Original poster
ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight · 31/01/2011 11:44

tles

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 11:45

oh blimey, love Sad

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 11:47

you knew what response you would get, didn't you ?

you know this isn't right

get out of your current relationship and stop flirting with other men

your twat radar is seriously knocked off, don't jump from one bad situation to another

you are a grown woman, and a wonderful mother...show your dc's how it should be done x

perfumedlife · 31/01/2011 11:48

Sorry op, I don't want or mean to hurt you Sad Am so angry on your behalf though. He is just using you so badly, and as for the threats? Speechless. He must think he is really something.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 11:48

whose name is on the rental agreement ?

MommyMayhem · 31/01/2011 11:57

unless you sort yourself out and do as you are told i won't be getting a divorce

Show him the door. Now! You are worth so much more than this. I know other posters have suggested that you steer clear of the OM, I am not so sure. He sounds really quite nice. I would take things very slowly, though.

It is not often that threads on here make me angry, but this has. What an arsehole.

Mouseface · 31/01/2011 12:08

TLES - Sad

Don't be embarrassed. Whether you are a known poster or not, the advice will be the same, I'm sure.

I'm afraid I'm with the 'don't get involved with the OM' too. I think you need time on your own, time to recover and heal before letting anyone into your life.

Your DP is still married. He had no intention of divorcing his wife and marrying you anytime soon did he?

It's all a smoke screen to pacify you. Emotional blackmail at it's worst.

Sorry. I know that's harsh but that's how I see it.

He doesn't love or respect you. He's controlling and using you.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 31/01/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balloonballs · 31/01/2011 12:25

Get him out, as soon as you possibly can, today if possible.

You will manage financially a hell of a lot better without this loser draining you.

There is nothing to be ashamed about by the way, the worst thing you could do for your own self worth though is to let this go on.

I also agree that you need to knock the other budding relationship on the head and just take some time rebuilding yourself and your dc's confidence.

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 15:59

Sorry I didn't reply earlier am sat here in tears.

P is just a friend, yes we kissed but it was just that.

Reality not so good at hiding am i eh?

We have not had a physical relationship for a while.....6-8 months barr the odd quickie iyswim? nothing to write home about tbh.

He does think he is "all that" where as I am meant to be meak and mild and not stand up for myself
Oh and apparently I act like a bloke when I swear and shout at him.

I am ashamed because I promised myself after DS1's father nobody would ever do this to me again.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 31/01/2011 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:26

don't be ashamed, TLES

what would be throwing good effort after bad, is to continue in a relationship with him

what did you say to his "solution" ?

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 16:34

I am angry atm tbh. 5 years down the pan.

He is on the phone atm asking ME what I had decided to do.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:37

answer my question...whose name is on the rental agreement ?

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:38

gawd...how bossy that looks Hmm

whose name is on the rental agreement please ?

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 16:42

just mine

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.