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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Its Wrong But Feels So Right

122 replies

ItsWrongButFeelsSoRight · 31/01/2011 00:00

I have name changed for this and it will probably be worded wrong Sad

I have been with DP for 5 yrs.
When we got together we were both married but already seperated.
My divorce was finalised the same year just 2 months after we got together.
He moved into my home pretty quick although after a few days I made it clear it was too soon for me so he moved back out. We moved bak in together after he was taken ill and a hospital stay. I fell pregnant the same year.

Fast forward to us being together 4 years which takes us to last year he proposed to me and I accepted, now maybe stupidly I went and bought the "perfect" wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, along with other items.

I even went as far as booking a date at the church. Then just before Christmas he dropped the bomb shell that he has not done anything with the divorce.

I have been taking time out for myself for a few months and over the last 4/5 weeks have become close to someone. Nothing has happened - well we have kissed a few times. He listens to me, and vice versa. He is 2yrs older than DP BUT so much younger iyswim?

Now I know even kissing him is wrong - in my heart of hearts I know DP doesn't want to marry me otherwise he would have carried on with the divorce which I made the initial payment for when he was skint.

Ii have started to make friends where I am going out of a weekend BUT I am also seeing how little DP is actually with me. Yes he works but even when he has a day off he spends his time on his hobby or vegging on the chair all day.

Last night I went out somewhere different to my usual place and my "friend" was there - working. He had told me he would give me a lift home and I spent the entire evening laughing and talking just generally having a good time. He offered me drinks which I refused but did buy my own and a couple for him.

He did bring me home - at 4am after we had been for a very late night coffee in an all night coffee shop.

Today we have been texting and talking - just general chit chat.
Now kiss aside there is nothing going to happen - I just am enjoying having someone to talk to.

I have sat down with DP many times and tried to talk, have listened etc , i have emailed him, text him and even written him letters to explain how I feel about things. But he ignores it all.

He won't come to any family thing unless he has caused a row before hand during which he gets DS1 laughing at me which infuriates me.

Its almost as if he is staying as he has nowhere else to go.

I am rambling I know but am trying to get all of this out in one go and everything is blanding in together.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:50

I have asked for my last post to be reported

my sincere apologies x

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:50

sorry, to be removed

QuintessentialShadows · 31/01/2011 16:54

Sorry to hear this tles. blimey, he has been leading you on. Only your name on the rental agreement, and he refuse to let you have visitors for your birthday. Sad
I am sad for you. You do know what you have to do, dont you?

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 16:57

what I was trying to ask in my cack-handed way, was can you afford the rental on your own

without any help from him at all ?

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 17:53

AF, I have just moved into a council flat. so yes I an afford it.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 17:56

ok...we got there in the end

tell him to move out

he has nothing to offer you

you turn down his suggestion to lead separate lives in your house

you are done bankrolling him, and paying off his debts

you will listen to no more softsoaping and empty promises

he goes

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 17:57

and then you stay away from all men until you get your head together

Xales · 31/01/2011 18:11

Ask him to move out. If you don't want to end the relationship he can get his divorce and prove to you that he really wants to be with you and not just sponge off you!!!

He has lied to you. He has lied about money meaning you are spending money you and the children need/can use on his selfish arse.

He may not have told you he divorced but he in my opinion lied by omission. What a nasty nasty person to allow you to arrange a wedding when there was no chance of it happening!

Get him out. Get everything for the wedding cancelled so you don't lose any more money. If you are lucky you may get some back? Sell/ebay dresses etc. Let everyone know the wedding is off (for now) and why so they know what sort of person he is.

If he does get divorced (not holding my breath) then make him pay for the whole wedding in his name with no financial connection to you. If he lies/doesn't pay then you know he hasn't changed and it doesn't happen!!!

Stay away from the new man. You need to get your head sorted from your current mess not just mess it more with the first bit of attention. If it is meant to be he will be happy to wait if you explain.

Good luck!

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 19:06

I am feeling muh better, still confused and upset but nowhere near as much as I was.

He is desperatly trying to backtrack on what he said now, by saying he didn't mean it.

Thing is I will never believe he didn't mean it so there is - for me- no way forward with him.

hairyfairylights · 31/01/2011 19:11

Speaking from experience , go with your guts. Don't marry him ... It's a lot harder to get out of than it is to get out of!

Xales · 31/01/2011 19:12

He is only backtracking because you have pulled him up on it as any (sensible) person should.

If you had rolled over like a door mat he would have just carried on and on............

FortunateHamster · 31/01/2011 20:11

Please chuck him out. So much easier said than done, I know, but he is using you and lazy/a liar.

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 20:16

Well I have told everyone the wedding is off and why - now I feel even more like crap tbh.

I am considering a shower and a bottle of wine.

Xales · 31/01/2011 20:35

Well done on telling people especially why!

So many people seem ashamed to admit that their partner/ex partner is shite and they made a mistake and cover it up which lets them off without having to face up to their actions and the hurt they cause. Not that some of them ever do /-:

Have a shower and maybe (a glass of) wine and some chocolate or icecream?

Of course you are feeling crap that is totally understandable! Have a think about why you are feeling crap. You have been betrayed hurt and let down by the person you trusted and wanted to spend the rest of your life with!

QuintessentialShadows · 31/01/2011 20:42

Chuck him. Ask him to come back when he has his decree nisi. Until then. Bye Bye Bye

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 21:21

he is only backing down because you called his bluff

what a weasel he is

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 21:26

Well my week has been well and truely planned lol

I love my friends!!!

Tomorrow got some oming for drinks for my b'day
Wednesday @ sisters
Thursday more people coming for dinner
Friday he can babysit as I am going out
Saturday I have family coming and am going to drag my young cousin out on the town
Sunday I will recover lol.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 21:30

stay away from dickhead blokes, fgs

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 21:31

so...is he leaving then

Xales · 31/01/2011 21:33

Ditto Anyfucker

Have a fab week and leave them men alone!

FakePlasticTrees · 31/01/2011 21:35

He let you go wedding dress shopping knowing he wouldn't actually be able to marry you? How fucking cruel!!?!?! It's one thing not getting round to divorcing (dumpable offence) but to let you get excited enough to buy your dress before telling you it wasn't going to happen? That's just mean.

He isn't a nice person. He might be able to fake it when it is needed, but he's a horrible person inside.

Tell him to leave.

The other man -if he's the one for you - will still be interested in 6 months time when you've got your head straight. If you jump into anything now, you will end up making him pay for fuckwit's fuckwittery and your relationship won't last. You are attracted to him as he's treating you well, which seems a novelty as you're not used to it.

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 21:47

AF i have said he an stay until he finds somewhere else but he is sleeping in DS2's room ds2 will be in with me and he has to pay his way until he goes.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 21:57

he should have been paying his way anyway...

and there has been no bedroom action recently too...so no change there then

he will talk you round...or are you using him for babysitting duty so you can go out on the lash

I am sorry to sound mean, but you need to think of yours and dc's future, not just the next few days drinking...

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/01/2011 23:33

AF, I am not going to put him on the street. I have said he can sleep in DS2's bedroom and I will have DS2 in with me...as he already is.

He has a month to find somewhere else but have told him when the month is up he is out whether he has somewhere to go or not.

Trust me this time he won't win me round. Now I know how he feels I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 23:38

ok love, keep posting

you take my plain speaking very well, a lesser person would have stomped off in a defensive huff x

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