I hate the way DH treats DD

[warzone]

DH and I have been together for 19 years. We have a 2.5 year old DD.

For the first year of her life, I was on mat leave, and for the second year I worked very part time. I absolutely loved every minute of it and made the most of the time we had. We did baby massage, swimming classes, play groups, library trips, play dates etc. On days we had nothing planned we still did loads of activities. Our lives were very full and very happy.

Circumstances dictated that I had to resume full time work just after DD's 2nd birthday and DH became a full time SAHD. I would have preferred to continue as a SAHM but I understand my responsibility to bring in an income as necessary and I thought it would be good for DH to have a turn at it anyway.

Six months into our new arrangement, I feel like running away with my DD.

He takes her to no organised activities at all. He has just (in the last 2 weeks) started taking her on a regular play date with another toddler. He hasn't taken her to the library once. He hasn't taken her swimming once. I took him to the play group we used to go to - he said he didn't like the people and would try out another one, but he hasn't. As far as I can tell, he doesn't get her dressed until lunchtime, and she spends a lot of the day playing by herself (although I'm sure he plays with her sometimes) while he is on the computer or playing on his iphone. He puts a film on for her in the afternoons. If they go to the park to feed the ducks, he considers that a busy and fulfilling day. Once I am home, or at weekends and holidays, he just gets on with his own stuff (computer, iphone) and she is my sole responsibility. The 'default' position is me looking after DD and him doing his own thing.

Worse than any of this though, is his temper. He shouts at her (sometimes really loudly - making me jump out of my skin) over every little thing. Every other thing he even says to her is a negative - don't do this or stop doing that. I think he is over critical and has too high expectations of 2 year old behaviour and reasoning powers.

The very worst thing happened the other evening. He was playing with her in that 'rough housing' way that dads do. He was pretending to bite her and she (unsurprisingly) bit him for real on the shoulder a couple of times. He told her not to and when she did it again, he grabbed the back of her hair and pulled her off him by her hair which distressed her. I had very serious words with him about it but he couldn't see that he'd done anything wrong, calling it a "kneejerk reaction" to the pain she was inflicting on him and that he hadn't actually injured her.

His temper with her seems to be getting worse. Today he was shouting at her the moment he came downstairs - I can't remember why - and has shouted at her several times since - yet I've been looking after her all day!

I've asked him to find work so I can give up my job to look after her again. I don't think he does a good enough job and I'm beginning to be very wary of his temper with her. (I haven't said this so directly to him.)

By the way, she often now shouts back at him. She's copying his behaviour. And then he tells her off for shouting.

Our relationship is also far from wonderful (hence me wanting to run away), but this post is far too long already, and I'm more worried about DD than me.

He pulled her hair

I would be removing her and you from that situation

You are working so are solvent - get some advice asap

Awwwww.......

To be fair, not everyone is onto doing the kiddy activities like the library and tots group....my dh wouldn't do those things either, but he works full time while I'm at home so it's not a problem for us. Some people hate those activities - and they are allowed to.

For me it's more about his shoputing and pulling the wee mite's hair. I have a little daughter, just about two and admittedly that makes me very to read.

I'm not surprised you're upset; I would be too. I wasn't worried when reading about the lack of activities - so long as she's happy, I don't see that as so important - but the shouting and aggression sounds worrying.

Most worrying of all, perhaps, is that you're not discussing this with him. Is that right? How bad is your relationship with him right now?

I don't know what to suggest other to consider leaving or kick him out now he is becoming violent with her. He may be wary of taking her out due to feeling emasculated but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. Take care xx

I do think it is harder for dads to get involved with the toddler activities than for women. I met only two or three SAHD's who were really involved and enjoying it. However, I am really worried about what you have said about the shouting and his reaction to the biting. Seriously he sounds crap and I would not leave my dd in that situation.

He sounds like he's behaving appallingly and letting your daughter down badly. I think you are right to be concerned and to consider leaving him if he can't sort it out. He sounds like someone who may need the routine of work and not be cut out for stay at home parenthood, maybe. Could he be depressed? (not that this would be an excuse for his crapness, mind). Have you told him that you are on the verge of leaving?

You'd sack/report a CM for less.

Was he a different dad when at work?

:(
My DH stays at home 4 days wth DS and is very much like yours, he doesn't engage with him til at least 11am (cbeebies is on) and will not take him out at all in this cold weather (he's from a hot country and is allergic to british winter ) and it annoys me, but I trust him to be loving and kind with him, and I can't micro-manage their time together. Your H is not being loving and kind though, he pulled her hair? :( and she will be learning this nasty behaviour back from him. If I were you I would give him the choice of getting well paid employment in order for you to go p/t and afford childcare, or asking him to move out so that you can get tax credits to help with childcare. I have a friend who had to get her exP to leave for this exact reason - she couldn't trust him to look after the DCs properly and he wouldn't or couldn't find proper work. In the end, her DCs were more important than the relationship.

He sounds awful. Shouting at a bored 2 year old, pulling her hair - there's just no excuse, I don't care whether or not he's taken to the SAHD route. Many people don't suit staying at home - but they don't become violent bullies.

In your shoes I would get rid, pronto. Look at directgov to see what you'd be entitled to so you know what your options are.

I wouldn't leave my children with anyone who thought it was acceptable to pull a child by her hair, no matter what she'd done or how much pain he was in.

He sounds like he hasn't a clue about how to model good behaviour, and she's obviously following his example as any child would.

I don't know what more to say to you - he's not someone who should be left in charge of a child.

Don't run away with her, however much you want to. He's her primary carer at the moment, so if he forced the issue, the court would probably decide that she should live with him as that is the status quo at the moment.

Is it possible that he's depressed? Does he get much actual time to himself? Apart from the time that he just takes by playing with his phone etc. (I know what it's like, it's infuriating!) Do you do many things together as a family?

Would it be possible for you to go part-time, your DH to go back to work and DD to be looked after by another family member or childminder?

Don't do anything rash, perhaps look into part-time jobs, benefits, rentals, and start a secret bank account so that if you decide you really do have to split up, you're sorted.

He doesn't know how concerned I am.

I feel like I am constantly criticising him as it is ("don't shout at her", "she's too little to understand" etc) and not backing him up; but he is a very supportive to me if I am telling her off. He always backs me up. Conversely I always back her up.

So he knows, in general, that I think he is too harsh. And I was very forthright about my opinion of the hair pulling incident.

But no, I haven't sat him down for a serious talk over the whole issue. He doesn't know that I'm considering leaving.

If I leave, won't he get custody because he is the main carer?

yes he would.

though it doesn't sound like he would want custody to me, frankly.

What Hassled said. Even if you don't leave right now it is good to gather as much information as you can and know your options. The more info you have the more power you will feel.

And welldone for putting your dd first.

Just from your description, I wonder if you dh is depressed? Irritability, lack of patience, 'not seeing the point' in things, negativity are all indicators.

I know you didn't want to go back to paid work full-time - did he want to be a SAHD? Is this arrangement time or circumstance limited (eg when he gets a job that pays enough) or is it indefinite.

You knew him 16/17 years before you had dd - is this in anyway 'normal' for him? What you do think is bothering him - is it not working or other things too.

His behaviour is clearly out of order - and I can imagine how worrying it is for you - but it sounds like symptoms of something much deeper.

Oh dear :(

Sounds horrible. I hope you can swap again and maybe that'd help him be happier and a better dad again.

Some people just aren't cut out for being a SAHP, and it's better just to admit it and sort it out.

He might if he took you to court. Would he want to be the main carer? That's a risk. I think you need to explore the him working f/t and you working p/t option first if it's feasible, then if you still want to leave after a period of time then you will be the main carer. Sneaky but if you think he'd try to get you to leave the house and dd then you might have to play the long game.

I'm 99% sure my DH wouldn't try that if we split, but just to be safe I've worked out how many hours I spend with him and although I work f/t and he works p/t I pip him by a couple, plus I do all mornings and bedtimes. I do that for me because I want to be involved in as much of DS's routines as possible (f/t working mum guilt) but it also gives me a sense of security in case the worst happened.

Um if I saw dd's dad do that to her I don't know if I could control myself from launching myself at him, a tiny little two year old? Absolutely disgusting.

It's a deal breaker for me I am afraid, he would be gone.

Your DH sounds like me when I was a SAHM. I was miserable, hated activities though I would try to drag myself and the DDs out to them a couple of times a week. I shouted at them regularly over stupid little things, and spent all day with them in front of the TV while I Mumsnetted. I was a horrible parent when I stayed at home.

I would suggest he goes out and gets a job. It certainly worked for me. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP.

As for pulling her hair - I once slapped DD1 round the face in a totally instinctive reaction when she crept up behind me and yelled in my ear. I was mortified that I'd done it, but it happened before I even knew what I was doing. If it happens again, perhaps you should worry, but I wouldn't panic over a one-off. Again, it's probably partly due to him being miserable at home.

Have you asked him if he's happy with the current situation?

I was reading the firsst part of the post and thiking "Well at leastthey go to the pond!"...as I m a SAHM and soetimes we do nothing but sit and draw and craft etc.

But the hair pulling was well out of order...if he has always been decent before then it sounds like he can't cope with being a full time Dad...as though he is feeling trapped and cooped up...not that this is ANY xcuse for what he did.

If you want to leave you should become fll time carer first....somehow..th women on here are ar better than I wth legal advce though.

What about family counceling?

I hink Annie gives sound advice...I have slapped my DD's leg once when she was being total monster...not nice...but happened.

tBH I think I would take 2 weeks' annual leave and say to him that i know he doesn't want to be the sort of person that hurts children because he has no self-control, and that he needs to consider whether it would be a better idea to work full time or part time. And then I would use the leave time to find some childcare, because if you are going to split up with him, you will need the job.

How can he think it's OK to be an adult who can't control his impulses around children?

Sorry to hear about this. Must be very diffcult.

I think 2 things need to be addressed:

1. His temper/hairpulling

and

2. His role as SAHD

And I wonder if looking at 2 would help 1. I wonder if there are esteem issues for him. I know we should all be equal etc, but he could be feeling that he is not in his rightful role as breadwinner etc.

Plus there is the practicaility of being a man amongst mainly women. The groups I went to had very few men, and I think the cliques of women tended to keep away. Not sure if it is worry over being friends with a man, or that actually they wanted to chat about sore nipples etc. Are there any SAHD groups around?

I also think - sweeping generalisation coming up - that some men's patience is less than women's when it comes to kids or maybe that is what they want us to think.

Are there temper management things he can do, ie walk away and count to 10 etc?

I am NOT excusing his behaviour but just thinking about my DH and what he'd be like if he was a home. I am trying to be helfpul with some practical ideas, please don't flame me MNs.

Have tried talking to him about any of this?

Could planning - his time during the week and then shared time at the weekends - help? Sometimes if it is written down etc it can be easier to deal with.

I'm very wary of all the people suggesting you start making plans to leave your DH over one incident. I've done a few unpleasant things to my DDs, most of which I recognise as being too reactive and not a good choice on my part, and I regret them. But there's a big difference between occasionally letting your temper get the better of you and being an abusive parent.

Talk to your DH, find out if he likes being at home. Based on your post, leaving him is a major over-reaction!