I hate the way DH treats DD

[warzone]

DH and I have been together for 19 years. We have a 2.5 year old DD.

For the first year of her life, I was on mat leave, and for the second year I worked very part time. I absolutely loved every minute of it and made the most of the time we had. We did baby massage, swimming classes, play groups, library trips, play dates etc. On days we had nothing planned we still did loads of activities. Our lives were very full and very happy.

Circumstances dictated that I had to resume full time work just after DD's 2nd birthday and DH became a full time SAHD. I would have preferred to continue as a SAHM but I understand my responsibility to bring in an income as necessary and I thought it would be good for DH to have a turn at it anyway.

Six months into our new arrangement, I feel like running away with my DD.

He takes her to no organised activities at all. He has just (in the last 2 weeks) started taking her on a regular play date with another toddler. He hasn't taken her to the library once. He hasn't taken her swimming once. I took him to the play group we used to go to - he said he didn't like the people and would try out another one, but he hasn't. As far as I can tell, he doesn't get her dressed until lunchtime, and she spends a lot of the day playing by herself (although I'm sure he plays with her sometimes) while he is on the computer or playing on his iphone. He puts a film on for her in the afternoons. If they go to the park to feed the ducks, he considers that a busy and fulfilling day. Once I am home, or at weekends and holidays, he just gets on with his own stuff (computer, iphone) and she is my sole responsibility. The 'default' position is me looking after DD and him doing his own thing.

Worse than any of this though, is his temper. He shouts at her (sometimes really loudly - making me jump out of my skin) over every little thing. Every other thing he even says to her is a negative - don't do this or stop doing that. I think he is over critical and has too high expectations of 2 year old behaviour and reasoning powers.

The very worst thing happened the other evening. He was playing with her in that 'rough housing' way that dads do. He was pretending to bite her and she (unsurprisingly) bit him for real on the shoulder a couple of times. He told her not to and when she did it again, he grabbed the back of her hair and pulled her off him by her hair which distressed her. I had very serious words with him about it but he couldn't see that he'd done anything wrong, calling it a "kneejerk reaction" to the pain she was inflicting on him and that he hadn't actually injured her.

His temper with her seems to be getting worse. Today he was shouting at her the moment he came downstairs - I can't remember why - and has shouted at her several times since - yet I've been looking after her all day!

I've asked him to find work so I can give up my job to look after her again. I don't think he does a good enough job and I'm beginning to be very wary of his temper with her. (I haven't said this so directly to him.)

By the way, she often now shouts back at him. She's copying his behaviour. And then he tells her off for shouting.

Our relationship is also far from wonderful (hence me wanting to run away), but this post is far too long already, and I'm more worried about DD than me.

There must be a way to place DD in a nursery or sharing a childminder
If family income is tight as OP says can she get any help/benefit?
He is not working, is he getting jsa?
OP have you spoken with CAB adviser there must be a way. Even if it leaves you penniless at the end of the month it will be worthy, you have to break this circle.
(Would you get more financial help if he was not living with you? sad but...whatever it takes....)
Your DD needs a break. He needs a break.
Than he must get a job really, even a p/t job
He also should see somebody to speak about his past issues, better late then ever. Tell him that DD needs a decent dad, you say he loves her he must pull himself together for both of you, really!

People do say being a SAHP is a hard job, your dh has drinking issues, likely to be suffering from depression and clearly isn't suited to being a SAHP. I also agree about finding dd some kind of daycare (worth investigating where you stand with tax credits or whether your employer operates a childcare voucher scheme to offset costs)

Look at it this way, if a CM treated your dd like this you'd be removing them sharpish - wherever you put her is going to be better for her welfare & also your peace of mind. It will also then throw DP's non-employment into sharp relief and may force the issue that either he gets help/a job or you decide whether he adds to your lives/you want to continue supporting him.

I do think your DH needs to get out of the house and do something constructive with your DD. Stay and play type groups can be very hard if you aren't a people person. Sometimes things like tumbletots or music groups are easier because they have a specific purpose and you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. Or I see quite a few Dads at softplay. Mostly they are just reading the papers or playing on their laptops - but at least the children are out doing something interesting and your DH might meet some other Dads in a similar situation.

It must be very hard for you looking in and seeing that things aren't right. I would think the only way to tackle this is to have a proper talk with your DH. He isn't going to do things in the same way you would, but from what you have said things are not good at all for anyone. But I sort of get the impression that his childcare skills are only a small part of the problem.

People asking whether she can put her DD in childcare while he job searches are missing the point. If a parent is out of work then there is (rightly) no help towards childcare costs for under 3s. Even one day a week will cost a minimum of £35+ a week, and most single income families cannot find £150 a month from nowhere if the budget is already stretched.

I didn't shout 'leave him' just pointed out that if she was planning to leave him for other issues then she should get her house in order first. The sad reality is also that her DD's welfare is paramount and if it takes kicking him out in order to get TC help with childcare costs - she wouldn't be the first woman to have done so.

Gawd knows how long it will take him to find work and putting the DD in nursery is likely to (kind interpretation) make him feel more depressed if he doesn't even have the SAHP label and becomes just unemployed or (less kind interpretation) give him an excuse to give up completely and start drinking all day as the OP is now taking care of every single responsibility including childcare.

AnnieLobeseder - I haven't always been a great SAHM either but am improving (with hard work!) all the time. It was refreshing to read you comments regarding this subject as a lot of other people on here suggest that we should all be perfect parents from the beginning and are quite harsh and think the worst of anyone who makes some mistakes. (in general not just this post). So thanks for posting so honestly.

op,i have no advice. just wanted to apologise to you as further up thread my post came across all wrong and you felt hurt by it. so sorry,didnt mean it the way it came across

can see you're doing your best and looking for a solution. really sorry about making you feel i was judging you!!! feel awful now.

DH found it very difficult to go to organised activities with DD when he was a SAHD. He's not the world's most sociable bloke at the best of times and he found the intense scruity he got as the token male too much to bear. He simply didn't know what to say to them.

He gradually worked out a routine that worked for them. He would often take DD to the park then stop in at a very child friendly pub. That is where he eventually built up a social group of other SAHDs. They would sup a pint, grunt about football (or whatever it is blokes talk about in pubs) while the children ran around making as much mess and noise as they pleassed. Lunchtime in suburban pubs is a quiet time and the pub he went to were sensible enough to realise the children's hour was a draw.

It might be worth looking out for places where SAHDs congregate.

mjloveswineoclock good reasonable non hysterical response.

Thanks for your suggestion slug, but I mentioned up thread that my DH is an alcoholic. I'm not sure that going to the pub in the afternoons is the way forward for him.

Taking her swimming or to the library isn't 'organised activities' is it? No-one expects you to socialise with other parents.

I took her to the library at the weekend. It was the first time she'd been in 6 months. Her little face lit up like a beacon when she saw where we were. It had been so long, she couldn't even remember what it was called. She really enjoyed herself, did some colouring and a craft, and borrowed three books that she has now become obsessed with.

I love doing that with her, and I will take her every weekend now if he won't do it.

I have also started taking her swimming one tea time after work.

I hate to think of her being bored and under-stimulated all day. And hate even more that he loses his temper with her so easily.

I am going to look into the possibility of starting pre-school. It really does depend on cost.

Op one thing you can and should relax about is that 2.5 old really does not need that many scheduled and organised activity... In fact some toddler are over stimulated by parents and the reason for it (often) is not that is good for the child, is that it is ferking boring for the parent to play at home!

HE PULLED HER HAIR! That is bad, would send me straight out the door unless he had a much better reason than a few bites. Maybe there is a deeper reason for his behaviour? I certainly hope it is something fixable.

Is it surprising that the op is negative about her Dh's parenting . . .its awful...He cant take out his anger and frustration on his child. . .whether he gets 'me' time or not. The DD is 2.5 yrs old , not 15.5yrs old and shouting at a toddler a lot at this age is not right.
op : "He shouts at her really loudly. . . . . over every little thing . . "

Not good. . . . . .especially the fact that op's DH is an alcoholic !!!!!!!!!
Pre school asap is the answer.. . . .and DH needs to get a job and let someone more professional take care of the DD . A trained child carer, who doesnt scream and shout at her all day .

Lazy fucking nasty bastard.

You need to explain to him that at the moment, looking after your DD and keeping her entertained and amused and happy is his JOB.

Would he get away with being on the PC/iPhone if he was in "proper" work? I don't think so.

And as for his parenting skills - Arsehole.

Just concentrating on the daytime activities thing . . . organised activities aren't everyone's cup of tea. I think you are focusing on that too much. Going to the park is fine. Did you say he takes her swimming? She could do with mixing with other children at some point during the week too but I don't think he needs to completely fill up every day with activity after activity which it sounds like you used to do and you want him to do as well. Kids also need to spend time at home playing. Doing loads of activities isn't going to make the child any happier, if anything they would be overstimulated. The fact that he doesn't do them doesn't make him a bad parent either.

The shouting . . . does he really shout at her over every little thing as you say he does or is it just more then you would like? There is a big difference.Everyone raises their voice occasionally, it doesn't mean their husbands and wives should leave them!

The hair pulling . . . it's hard to imagine how bad that was without seeing it. It's sounds like lashing out after being hurt rather then a pre-meditated assult and there is a huge difference.

When it's your first child you want to make sure she's getting a range of experiences, but at two, she really doesn't need that them. I found that I was stressing my first child out by doing so much with her. SOme kids like rushing about to various activities; most like nothing better than chilling out at home with mum/dad. And she's two. Now that I've got a second baby I realise it was madness trying to do all that stuff with her. DS (almost 2) comes with me in the morning to walk DD to school, then has bit of a play at home, or we may^ go and meet my friend, and then it's time for his afternoon nap, and we go back to get DD at 2. You'd be surprised how enormous the world is for a tiny child.

I agree with mjloveswine

OP, my DH was similar. He didn't cope well at first being a SAHD. He couldn't cope with the thought of playgroups etc, didn't want to be around 'mummies'. He became shouty and critical and his drinking (when I got home) got worse.

It got better for him when he stopped trying to be a 'mum' and did things with DD that he enjoyed.

He went to garden centres and showed her all the plants. He dug the garden with her and didn't care when she got filthy. He found a gym with a crèche and spent an hour or so there every day. He went to town and did nothing but let her chase pigeons!

They built a rabbit hutch (we still don't have a rabbit). They played in the garden whatever the weather. They went to the wacky warehouse .

If they spent a day indoors I could tell because he was horrible again. He needed to get out, even if it was just for a walk. They went to the supermarket most days and bought the evening tea, DD used to choose the menu (and boy, that was an experience). It got them out and interacting with others, even if it was just the checkout staff.

Personally I think the longer your DH spends inside cooped up with your DD the worse he will get

I agree with mj. It must be horribly frustrating to see your DH doing a job that you'd rather be doing. Especially one that you feel you were so good at and he is so bad at and that affects your DD. But he can't be you. He has to find his own way and own things to do. He definitely needs to get out the house and so stuff, but he may not enjoy the things you do.

Not going to the library for 6 months isn't the end of the world. It is something you and DD enjoy together, so save it as your special place. Your DH has to find the things that he and DD enjoy together. There have been lots of suggestions on this thread. Focussing on him not doing the things you did with her isn't going to help.

But I still think more is going on here that we are missing. Maybe it isn't just his parenting that is causing problems.

I'm going to be blunt and say that by leaving your daughter in the care of an alcoholic all day you are putting her at risk.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is drinking in the day, alcoholics can be very good at hiding it.

Social services would agree and once she starts school if they get any hint of it you will be reported immediately.

I'd be getting your DD into nursery, your Dh into rehab and if he refuses, time to leave. Maybe even separate for a while to see if that is enough to make him address his problems.