I hate the way DH treats DD

[warzone]

DH and I have been together for 19 years. We have a 2.5 year old DD.

For the first year of her life, I was on mat leave, and for the second year I worked very part time. I absolutely loved every minute of it and made the most of the time we had. We did baby massage, swimming classes, play groups, library trips, play dates etc. On days we had nothing planned we still did loads of activities. Our lives were very full and very happy.

Circumstances dictated that I had to resume full time work just after DD's 2nd birthday and DH became a full time SAHD. I would have preferred to continue as a SAHM but I understand my responsibility to bring in an income as necessary and I thought it would be good for DH to have a turn at it anyway.

Six months into our new arrangement, I feel like running away with my DD.

He takes her to no organised activities at all. He has just (in the last 2 weeks) started taking her on a regular play date with another toddler. He hasn't taken her to the library once. He hasn't taken her swimming once. I took him to the play group we used to go to - he said he didn't like the people and would try out another one, but he hasn't. As far as I can tell, he doesn't get her dressed until lunchtime, and she spends a lot of the day playing by herself (although I'm sure he plays with her sometimes) while he is on the computer or playing on his iphone. He puts a film on for her in the afternoons. If they go to the park to feed the ducks, he considers that a busy and fulfilling day. Once I am home, or at weekends and holidays, he just gets on with his own stuff (computer, iphone) and she is my sole responsibility. The 'default' position is me looking after DD and him doing his own thing.

Worse than any of this though, is his temper. He shouts at her (sometimes really loudly - making me jump out of my skin) over every little thing. Every other thing he even says to her is a negative - don't do this or stop doing that. I think he is over critical and has too high expectations of 2 year old behaviour and reasoning powers.

The very worst thing happened the other evening. He was playing with her in that 'rough housing' way that dads do. He was pretending to bite her and she (unsurprisingly) bit him for real on the shoulder a couple of times. He told her not to and when she did it again, he grabbed the back of her hair and pulled her off him by her hair which distressed her. I had very serious words with him about it but he couldn't see that he'd done anything wrong, calling it a "kneejerk reaction" to the pain she was inflicting on him and that he hadn't actually injured her.

His temper with her seems to be getting worse. Today he was shouting at her the moment he came downstairs - I can't remember why - and has shouted at her several times since - yet I've been looking after her all day!

I've asked him to find work so I can give up my job to look after her again. I don't think he does a good enough job and I'm beginning to be very wary of his temper with her. (I haven't said this so directly to him.)

By the way, she often now shouts back at him. She's copying his behaviour. And then he tells her off for shouting.

Our relationship is also far from wonderful (hence me wanting to run away), but this post is far too long already, and I'm more worried about DD than me.

ILoveTiffany - He has been a SAHD for 6 months. I didn't expect him to be into a routine of activities straight away so I didn't give him a hard time about it. I have kept mentioning things he can take her to, and I have tried to give him time to get bored himself and do something more interesting with his days.

The shouty behaviour has been building up over very slowly over that time, and much more so in the last month.

I have had no reason to suspect he might physically abuse her until last week. (hair pulling incident and his utter refusal to admit he was wrong).

And here I am now asking you lot for advice.

So thanks for your judgement of me. I find that really helpful right now.

Can you afford to put her in nursery, even if it's only part time? It could give your DD some stimulation (if DH really does nothing with her) and your DH time to re-evaluate what he's doing).

Putting the DD in paid childcare is easier said than done. Nursery will be about £200 a week and with the other parent not working there will be no tax credit help. If she wants this to change then the H has to get f/t work or move out, sadly.

As regards toddler behaviour - of course all 2yos are horrible at times. My DS can shout and smack and kick at times but - he shouts if DH and I are shouting, he learnt kicking from the tv, and he only bites when around my DN who is a horrific biter. Toddlers do learn the behaviour they see in their parents and others around them.

Firstly relax on the hitting front - my DS3 was a hitter and a biter at 2 and 3, and has never even had the tiniest of smacks. He grew out of it - but it certainly wasn't copied behaviour. Some kids just hit.

But that said, and as I posted yesterday, not setting to life as a SAHP is no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour. SAHP doesn't suit loads of people and yes, it might make them feel low and unhappy but they bloody don't take that out on their children on a regular basis. They're adults, they cope, they resolve to change things.

Atilla speaks a lot of sense.

I actually can't afford to put her in childcare at all. Not even part time. Money is extremely tight.

warzone - ignore the judgemental posts - until you've walked a mile in my shoes etc.

You - and he - needs proper help. Be that Relate together, separate grief counselling for him or both. Maybe your dh even needs antidepressants (though they're not great with alcohol).

You need to talk to him (though you know that). Maybe focusing on how he's finding being a SAHD and how he'd like things to be rather than criticising his behaviour (although I'm not denying that it's out of order).

good luck.

I echo it may be how he was brought up.

My DH who is lovely with the kids, used to sometimes be quite harsh on them.

Raising his voice a lot, zero patience, and also smacking for minor things. We had a big argument (discussion about it) and he changed his approach a lot. He was not actually aware he was acting harshly, which I was a bit about.

Then one day when we were visiting PIL, FIL said he'd look after DS1 for a bit, and before we even left the house we heard PIL shout and drag DS1 (then 3) by one arm to his room.

Both DH and I were and did NOT leave after all.

It was a real eye opener, I saw how PIL must have been with DH, and I was also glad to see DH was shocked as well, as he had by then understood it is not necessary to be like that.

What is your PIL like?

Toddlers are hard work, and need a lot of stimulation. You really need to talk.

He won't want help though and unless he truly wants to address his issues properly nothing will change for him. It is also not the OPs job to find help for him. She has already enabled him more than enough to date!.

Warzone - you are not responsible for him ultimately. Only your own self and that of your DD.

Where is the money that you earn actually going; do you have a budget drawn up?.

Who is buying the alcohol as well?. If he is drinking in the evening as well this is when you get to spend the most time with him. Not much of a life for you is it?. For all you know too he is going out with your DD daily solely to buy alcohol.

You write that you know you need to change things. Make a start today and get support for your own self. WA is a good place to start.

Could you not afford childcare if dh gets a job?

His parents are no longer alive.

I know he feels his mother wasn't very interested in him. I think her primary relationship was with alcohol.

He was close to his father but does remember being terrified to see him chasing his older brother around the house in anger. I know his dad shouted at him sometimes too. I don't think he was hit - although he was probably smacked occasionally (we all were in the 70s weren't we?).

warzone Sorry for you - this is a really tough situation. Should imagine you'll get plenty of pretty absolute posts. And there are arguably some fairly black and white issues here:

• People do disagree about whether physical punishment is right for kids, but by far the most common consensus is that it is outdated, counterproductive and wrong. This is all by the by because you - the child's mother - have made it clear that it is unacceptable and therefore it should not be happening under any circumstances. (Incidentally, if he spent the whole evening justifying the hair-pulling incident, thenm it sounds to me like he does feel remorse for it. People who are comfortable with their actions don't spend ages trying to justify them. Oh, and knee-jerk reactions do happen. Doesn't make them right, but better parents than him will have done it on occasion.)

• Ditto with the shouting.

As far as I can see, everything else is a grey area.

• I would agree with a couple of people above who argue that an alcoholic (who isn't in recovery) shouldn't be responsible for children. Regardless that he doesn't drink in the day, his addiction will affect the care he gives his daughter. Bearing in mind that it is likely that he uses alcohol to control mood, self-medicate etc, there's a reasonable chance that his temper when he'd looking after DD is caused by the absence of alcohol.

• Many kids go through a 'punchy' or 'bitey' stage. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are learning it from their parents, though this is obviously the case at times, but it is important that the parents respond to this consistently and firmly. If you are concerned about your DD's welfare from a physical perspective then this needs to be addressed immediately and firmly with your DH. You need to have a think about how you will respond if this doesn't go well before you speak to DH. I hate over-reacting on these things, but this is potentially serious. Get some RL help.

• The activities thing doesn't need to be that big a deal. A bigger concern would be if he was inflicting the symptoms of his condition at the moment - lack of motivation, laziness etc. - on your DD. Does he look upon his responsibilities as a job? It might help if he did.

Strikes me that the immediate concern is the wellbeing of your DD, and you need RL support and a blunt, honest appraisal of the situation to work out where you go from here. Suggest you don't bother worrying about things like custody, childcare etc etc at this stage. Focus solely on her wellbeing. Things might not be as bad as they seem right now. On the other hand, you may need to take action.

Secondary concern is your relationship with DH. If you want it to work, then you'll both have to work at it. Are you both able to do that? He would have to address the drinking - a relationship will struggle if one party of secondary importance to a bottle.

Good luck.

Yes, we could afford childcare if DH had a job, but some posters have suggested that I put her into a nursery now. And the likelihood of him getting a job is quite low right now.

How about your local pre-school? Our local one only has the free places from age 3, but takes children from 2.5 for a very reasonable rate - much cheaper than a private nursery. Even it it's only 2.5-3 hours a couple of days a week, it would be a good start and your DH could use the time to get some exercise, or even better, look for a job!

He needs some serious educating on how to bring up his DD. Going to playgroups and other parent/child activities would show him how to behave with little one. He obviously hasnt a clue how to behave with your DD.
He needs to learn:
patience
child psychology (big time !!!!!)
understanding
tolerance

He is not good for his DD at the moment, and if things dont change, one way or another you will have a monster child and a bigger monster teenager and a sad marriage.

He needs to grow up and realise he has to be a good example to his daughter. Someone who is kind patient, loving and giving. Firm, fair, honest, tolerant and a good role model.

This is all easier said than done, and i wish you all the luck in the world. If it works it will take time. I hope for your sake and your DD's that he agrees to marriage concelling and maybe child mediation too. Best wishes.

Annie that's a good suggestion. I will look into it.

Hi warzone

I won't go there with whether or not he is willing to learn to do better, only you can work that out.

My DP is a SAHD and also wouldn't try playgroups etc because he felt embarrassed being surrounded by mums. He didn't like being ignored but if they came and talked to him he was terrified! He would much prefer to talk to grans and other dads.

If he could find a "dad friend", they could do stuff together. (He only needs one.) Not sure if you know friends of friends, any other SAHDS anywhere? Going to toddler groups, Tumble Tots etc will show him how other toddlers behave, which could help him with patience and understanding his own DD. He needs to understand what behaviour is just down to her age, what she's quite good at, and what is naughty and he needs to stop.(and how to stop it..)

could ask your local childrens centre for advice.They may well be able to offer parenting courses, dads only sessions etc.
don't forget pre-school.... that is my lifesaver... 2 mornings a week. They take little ones from 2 years old

X-post - Annie has a great suggestion, if he finds just one place she can go, he might meet a dad friend there.

My first thought is that he's depressed.
The hair-pulling was out of order but from the way you've described it the situation has been building up for some time and this incident was a culmination.

The SAHD/SAHM role is undervalued and it does come easier to some than others. YOu are obviously perfectly suited for the role.
I found it hard, the way the days blend in to one another. When I read your OP though, I thought, "at least I'm not in a position where my DH can hold up himself as a perfect example of how well he fulfilled the role" IYSWIM." I wonder if that has added to the strain. YOu, as the breadwinber, must respect his work, and that means not telling him he should be doing XYZ, just like you did. People's personalities are different- there is no right or wrong way to SAH (as long as the kids are not watching TV all day and eating junk)

Ultimately, he'll probably be a lot happier in work, and then he'll be able to appreciate your DD more. The hair-pulling is dead wrong and he has to admit that, and realise he's out of his depth somewhat.

i do think he has to be responsible for saying to the OP - hey i cant handle this very well, i am finding it difficult, what could be the answer?

you could hold out til she gets a place at local nursery as a 3 year old (have you applied already? find yout when you need to apply!) and see what happens then when he doesnt have her the whole day.

or you could take some action now
so you not spending the next six months wanting to run away

• address the drinking
• speak to al anon about this
• find out about local parenting courses -suggest you both go together on some kind of positive parenting course - you could sell it as "we both could learn something to deal with her hitting behaviours"

dont worry about residence etc if it comes to court - he may well fight for it and argue he been SAHD - or he may not...you dont know... i have residence and i am full time emplyed my exP was SAHD but that didnt hold sway because of various incidents etc on record.

keep a log/diary/record.

are your registered at same GP?
go speak to GP, giving your concerns about your H, they may or may not act but at elast they will have that info next time he goes in for something, or make an appt for him to ask for help with his depresion/alcoholism and go with him to the appt..

As usual, some posters start bellowing "Leave the bastard!"

If the OP had said she were a desperate SAHM, with her dh looking disapproving all the time as he could do it so much better, then those same posters would still roar "What an unsupportive bastard!"

As others have said, the lack of activities is no big deal. Ii never went to anything. Hate 'em with a passion. You wouldn't have liked it if your dh, when he was at work, had said "You do too many activities" so you can't complain that he does too few.

Basically it appears he is depressed, bored and frustrated at looking after a two-year-old. Just like thousands of women on these boards. No difference. Some toddlers are easy, some are challenging, all have their moments when you want to walk out of the door and scream "Leave me in peace for just five measly minutes!"

As someone else said - enrol her in play school asap.

And re your dh, can you have some you and him time? Perhaps try to repair your relationship before chucking it all in.

I also know lots of mums who make no secret of the fact the thought of their evening glass of wine gets them through the day. Mine can't cook the dinner unless she's poured a glass (although tbf she's got six kids )

Can you take some holiday? Stay at home, give your DH a break and get him out finding a job....he obviosuly is not cut out to be a SAHP.

I agree with Sakura and gramercy, you seem to have taken to the role as a sahm as a natural and have set a very high standard. It must be very daunting for your DH to even get close to that, especially as you seem to be coming from completely different parenting backgrounds.

You need to talk and listen to eachother and come up with a comprise/solution that works for both of you.

I also think pre-school would be a great idea, or if not that then maybe one day a week with a CM. My DS did a school day (8.30-3.30) with a CM one day a week starting when he was about 2.5 and it was a bit of a sanity saver for me as a SAHM. If I'm honest I think it is harder dealing with a 2.5-school age child day in day out than it is with a baby. They can be so challenging, really setting themselves against you. You can sell it as being for her benefit rather than thinking he'd not coping.

He's not making it easier for himself by not getting out doing things, partly because keeping a small child busy reduces the chances for battles to arise, and partly because it gives more adult human contact which must be really lacking in his life right now.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, I do think he should at least recognise that pulling her hair was wrong. Even if it was just one of those instant reaction thing he should recognise that it wasn't a good thing to do and be able to hug and apologise to her for it. Just maybe with a bit of a break in the week, and a bit of routine, he might find things easier and be able to turn things around.

I think what worries me most is that he needs to acknowledge that things aren't good the way they are and I suspect that will be very difficult for him.