On verge of nervous breakdown with P and his mother.....

[vergeofbreakdown]

Hello, I have namechanged from my usual more silly name as I fear this may get a bit recognisable.

I'm at the end of my tether with the issues in my relationship (2 young DC) and the way I feel my MIL compounds them.

I guess this is a sort of cry for help. I have been leaning on a very good friend from work, but I cannot just keep burdening her. Looking for opinions on what I can do as she is remaining pretty sympathetic but impartial. Although she is "my" friend she has met P a few times so obviously doesn't want to say anything really bad against him.

Basically my P is (mostly) a good man and 95% of the time reliable and does help with housework etc. We have some problems where he thinks I'm too confrontational and our sex life is strained as I have body-issues not related to him but they make me really shy and almost scared of sex. He drinks a couple of cans of lager a few times a week after DC in bed which I have no problem with (I drink on weekends) , but if he goes out with mates he sometimes doesn't know when to stop and ignores responsibilities the next day which is a huge problem for me. Maybe happens once every 2 months, but still not good enough.

Last night he was going to watch something on his mates Sky after he finished work at 11pm and stay the night there as he was taking the car. MIL had DCs overnight. He was to sober up by morning and collect DC's at teatime. However he phoned his mum in morning to ask her to bring them down on train (she doesn't drive, and he has our car) as he was still drinking (at 8am!!!!). She just does it like a total doormat . It is the same with everything. He just relies on her to pick up the pieces with his own responsibilities and she just lies down and takes it. It drives me insane. He drives me insane.

But every time we set down boundaries as a family of 4 she will undermine me.
For example, P works long hours with the firm paperwork etc and I also work. We were never seeing each other because of his long hours and I felt like he was missing his DC growing up. So eventually after much heated discussions we agreed he would take at least 1 day off a week to be with us. When we were visiting his mother, she asked why he wasn't doing any overtime and he told her what we had agreed. She said "Nonsense! Men who work never see their families - that's life" Then she turned to me and said "Do you want him to be a house-husband or something? I'll bet your dad was working when you were young, don't talk nonsense!"

I was

She makes comments about how she things childminders are unsafe for children and wrong IN FRONT OF MY DD WHO ATTENDS AN AFTERSCHOOL CM!!!

She looks after the youngest when me+P are working then if I don;t like a descion she has made unilaterally (with or without P) she tells me that I should be a SAHM then if I want to have have all the say in my child's life!

She calls me when she can't get P on the phone and she is hysterical if my phone is off for a couple of hours. Saying things like "I just want to speak to my son" . When I ask "are you ok?" or "what is the problem?" she will say something like "It's a private and personal matter between me and my son" - Well why the f are you phoning me then?!

She seems to think I'm some money-grabbing bitch who is trying to use her son when actually he is the one who is not taking his responsibilities seriously at times!

I bit my tongue for so long as she looks after the DC a lot and seems to adore them. But recently I can't take any more. Today I told her she is enabling him by taking on his responsibilities for him and that it's not good for anyone, least of all him. All I got back were replies from him and her that I was to apologise for "abusing" her!

She was meant to be bringing my DC back at 6pm. Waited til 7.15 then phoned her. She then announced she is just going to put them to bed there as she is worried about P as he called from callbox to say he "fell asleep on bus and his phone got stolen" (what a load of utter bollocks i replied and asked why nobody had bothered to contact me after my work finished at 5.30), then got the reply "Stop calling my son a liar, listen you to me lady don't contact me again bad mouthing my son" and now she won't tell me where he is.

This doesn't happen often with P but this is really making me lose respect for him totally and I think I want us to split because of it. Although he won't ever talk about it because his mother reassures him that "you don't need to answer to anyone son"

It happens with her all the time though. She said to me last week that all I care about is money and children should come first!

I try to be strong but I'm just getting swamped by it all. The whole situation is making me physically ill. Sweats, shakes, feeling dizzy/faint, sick a lot etc. If I stand up to him, we can usually work through issues if I make it clear I won't tolerate such-and-such and he will change it (ie-the no days off thing) but if I stand up to her I just get dogs abuse from both of them telling me to stop "bullying" her.

I'm so confused and just don't know what to do. I feel almost like I'm not allowed a say in my own children's lives sometimes.

Sorry about extreme length of post. Helped to get it all out !

I wish I had something practical to say to you. That's just awful. So sorry to read what a rough time you're having.

It reads as if there's some serious dysfunction in his and your family.

I'm sure someone with better advice will be along soon.

is there a cultural thing going on here?

i ask becuase i can only think that cultural issues would enable someone to be so spiteful as your mil and as accepting of this shit as you are.

your dp has an immediate family - and shes not it, he needs to get his shit straight.

also you need counselling about your body issues

and you shouldnt ask this woman to childmind for you if you expect her to keep her gob shut.

caller id on phone and dont answer it when it's her.

I can't see this ending well, and I'm sorry. He's reliant on her, and she on him, to unhealthy degrees - and I can't see that changing. You need to work out if you can cope with how things are, and it doesn't sound like you are coping.

To start with, sort out childcare - yes, it's expensive but if you can possibly afford it then you'll be regaining a degree of control. Just be fair about it - she obviously loves her GC, and it's an important relationship to maintain. But on your terms.

You can't go on being undermined by this and you need P on your side. Does he realise the gravity of the situation and that your relationship is at serious risk?

What do you want everyone to say?

Your P's mother is what? Toxic

Your DP is what? Selfish

Well they are.

Your DP relinquished his responsibilities

His mother fails to see his flaws

What are you going to do?

Where is DP now?

He is your problem, she is the least of them.

It's very simple, your partner is an idiot, immature and irresponsible. Yes, he was created this way by her, but you married what is supposedly an adult. If he was more of a man, he would tell her to butt out. Hard to do that though, and then use her for childcare.

Out of interest, if she had the kids lastnight, why where you and he not together for a night out? Why would he stay out at a pals, kids at grans, and you all alone? Seems odd.

The whole set up seems odd to me.

Also, I wouldn't want my DC being looked after by her with that archaic attitude

Sounds like a nightmare- she is enabling his utter fecklessness, and he is enabling her control issues. Your post makes you sound as if you've merely been the person providing the children she wants. Neither of them seem to place any value on your role in the family (and it's not just your MIL at fault here; your partner is equally culpable. More so, because his first loyalty should be to his children and to you, not his mother.)

I think you need to take MIL out of the child care equation; it gives her far too much power over you and it isn't going to get any better. Childcare professionals are trained and inspected- I'd imagine that children are harmed far less frequently within professional childcare settings than within family settings. And what the hell gives her the right to tell you that you can't have your children back because they are staying at hers!?

to regain control of your DC's lives (and your own) you need to stop using this woman for childcare. Hard, no doubt, and expensive, but necessary.

Custardo

Nope, no cultural issues, we are all the same culture or religion etc although I think she does have mental health issues. I don't know if this could be the case and I may be totally off the mark saying this (I have never mentioned it to anyone) but her own mum had dementia and I recognise a few early traits in her

Bibbidee I have no idea where he is now - and she refused to tell me if indeed she knows.

I have some guy calling and texting me from his phone saying "i found your husband/boyfriend's phone"

Perfumedlife I was working late last night and early this morning and did not want to watch sports on tv. We do have nights out together but always centres around what HE wants to do

So, hang on, she's got your children in her house tonight?
Well, that's the first thing you have to change. Any sort of childcare would be preferable to her having this amount of control over your lives.

Neither of them seem to place any value on your role in the family (and it's not just your MIL at fault here; your partner is equally culpable. More so, because his first loyalty should be to his children and to you, not his mother - this is completely exactly how I feel.

I could relatively easily get childcare for DS. DD already in school and afterschool.

The fallout from them if I did that would be unbearable though. P would undoubtedly never speak to me again. He won't hear a bad word said about her and she won't hear a bad word said about him. He is a selfish twat (at times) and she has got serious issues (at most times). I feel like I'm going insane with them.

I can't ascertain what is coming from her and what is coming from him

Clam Yeah he can drive and I can't so they both regularly just decide that she will keep youngest overnight with just a quick text to me. But tonight I didn't even get contacted by either of them until I phoned her!

She has 2 phones and even though his was lost, he knows my phone number and could use call box. He managed to call her fgs! It's like they think I don't exist!

nor on making those kind of decisions without first contacting you, their mother.

It might be a lttle late now but I would take a taxi and go and collect my children.

Take control, phone womens aid. no one need know but I think you need to talk to someone in rl about this situation who can offer not only emotional support but also practical support.

You sound overwhelmed, please phone them and help yourself.

Duna We are already at a pretty serious breaking-point in our relationship because of my resentment and lack of respect for him (for obvious reasons - his irresponsibility and selfish traits) even when he does nice things such as make us dinner, hug, or clean whole flat. I feel that in the past he was more loyal to me but now we don't get on he has transferred his loyalties back to his mother and they can both be pretty nasty to me.

Also the sex thing (which is entirely my issue) is wearing us down. He was understanding for years and is actually a considerate lover but I have some serious issues with it as I always feel very mixed up after it (always have done since I was 16) and really shy about my body, always freezing and stopping when we do it. It has become a huge issue between us where both of us avoid it because the the reaction and almost shame of my body it provokes in me. I sometimes blame him [embarrassed] for not finding me attractive (which he does) etc cause I'm so defensive. And then when he does initiate I always feel like he's only after one thing, like all men are like that - don't think he knows whether he is coming or going with that.

The periodic selfishness is a huge issue for me but I feel his mother reassures him "it's just what guys do" and even rewards him for it.

Verge, you are being completely sidelined as a parent and in your relationship here. What kind of partnership is it where the man and his mother make the parenting decisions for your children? I bet he wouldn't like it if you put a stop to his mother looking after the children, because he wouldn't be able to abdicate all responsibility for them anymore.

I really don't understand how you've put up with all this crap so far. I wouldn't be able to cope with that behaviour from either of them, and - absolutely above all else - I would not stand for not knowing where my children were, nor for being told that I couldn't bring them home.

I don't know about Women's Aid though, as I don't know that he is abusive. Selfish twat, disrespectful yes, but abusive? Don't know

I am overwhelmed. I know I could get on ok without them/him but I would have to totally go it alone with just a few friends for loose support, no close family.

I would feel very sad if we split without giving us a best try though, although I don't know if either of us are willing to put in enough effort to sort our respective differences and we are both too defensive and shut off from each other. And I really hate his mother for how she thinks it's ok to speak to me like that and condone his bad behaviour, and him for doing those things and allowing her to speak to me like that.

Inertia You are so right with everything you have said. He really takes the fact his mother is a 24hr a day available babysitter for granted, and she does it for him without a word. If I were to ask her to keep them as I was too hungover (I wouldn't do) she would do it but then get angry at me and make sly comments about my mothering abilities. She seems to think that men should be absolved of responsibility for children just because they are men and he seems to think the same.

I just don't know where to go with this. I feel so confused and angry.

I guess if I said I was coming to get them she wouldn't have stopped me but she had already put them to bed and P has the carseat for DS. She would make a big fuss about it though.

The other week she told P that keeping young kids up to go to a family party past the bedtime (even if only occasionally) was tantamount to child abuse (?) . And that only bad mothers put their children into nurseries when they are under 2 as they cannot tell the parents if anything untoward is going on, and why would you want to palm your child off to a stranger to be looked after.

She is deranged I swear.

I couldn't cope with someone else deciding where my children were going to sleep. :(

It sounds like he really needs to learn that you are his family and his first priority, over and above his mother.

jujusdad- i am new to this site and just wanted to say how wonderful it is to see a man posting on a relationships thread with such obvious compassion and sincerity. I hope the OP takes some comfort from your words- don't sell yourself short, I'm sure that mothers can benefit from the wisdom that dads have to offer.

But you are taking abuse from both of them, verbal and emotional.
Please ring womens aid, you don't need to give a name to start with just get it all out one to one and see where you go from there.

You can't go on like this how old are the dcs can I ask because they will soon be 'asked' by them to join in with the abuse of you too you know then it'll be really sad and bad.

Do you want that?

well, your post got my heart beating fast OP! and i've heard a LOT of stories of domestic abuse, but never heard a story quite like this. you're not just getting it from one but from them both - you are being bullied and controlled by both of them, as a team. I find it quite sinister and I am not surprised you are suffering physical symptoms - even I am and I couldn't be further removed! It is a very alarming situation and I would definitely call womens aid to talk it through with them. I hope you got your children in a taxi. they are YOUR children, not hers. she is not their parent and is not in a position (either morally or legally) to be making decisions about them. she sounds a nightmare - tbh I think the dementia idea is a bit of a red herring.

while we're here, I think the sex problem is also a red herring re a separate issue, and I wonder if the guilt about that makes you think you owe him something and you put up with outrageous stuff bcs of the guilt. (i'm not even writing sense I feel so unsettled by your story.)
I wondered too if this was a cultural thing. definitely make moves to get control of your family (re dc) back from this witch. I'm not at all surprised he is such an idiot (sorry) with a mother like that.