Where to begin...
DH is a good man. We have been together for 14 years, married for nearly 5 and I love him. We have 2 small children, the youngest is only 2 months old.
We have had major financial trouble for the past few months which has put a massive strain on our relationship. I do all our accounting and so I have this on my mind constantly. DH feels like a failure because he works hard and we still can't afford to pay for our outgoings. I am self employed and started doing the odd bit of work a month after DC2 was born to try and help make ends meet. We are both exhausted as both DCs wake through the night.
DH has dealt with his feelings by going to the pub every evening to try to forget about things. This makes me cross as he is spending money we can't afford and it has caused lots of arguments, but he says he needs somewhere to go after work to relax and get away from it all.
I try to be a good wife, but I'm rubbish at keeping the house tidy (which he hates) and I guess I do remind him every day of what bills we need to pay, but I can't get them out of my head. I make dinner every evening, but at least twice a week he doesn't turn up for it as he's stayed at the pub longer than he should which then results in an argument.
Another thing which causes arguments is DH smoking. He doesn't smoke in the house or anywhere near the children, but I am completely paranoid about cot death as DH lost a child with his first wife due to cot death. This is obviously very painful for him, but instead of confronting it he chooses to ignore it and won't read the cot death leaflets we have been given. He therefore won't acknowledge that smoking can be a contributor. The reason that I am mentioning this is that this was what triggered the row we had last night. He stepped outside to have a cigarette and I could smell smoke in the house so I asked him to close the door. He then pointed to the smoke and said it was going outside. I tried to say that if I could smell smoke there were particles of the chemicals in the air which was dangerous for DC2. He then got angry and we had a row. I said (and probably shouldn't have) that if anything happened to DC2 it would be his fault. I really wish I hadn't said that now as I know it was unfair. I am just so paranoid about it.
Anyway, this argument escalated and he said that he did not feel comfortable in his own home cause he couldn't do what he liked in it and that I was trying to change him. The only thing I can think of was smoking. To cut a long story short I accused him of saying things and he accused me. I felt that he twisted everything I said to mean something slightly different (something he does a lot). He then said he had enough and we would be better off without him. He got angry and hit the wall. Then he said that if he was angry enough to hit the wall, cause he was so angry with me that he had wanted to hit me and hit the wall instead, that it was time for him to leave and then he started to pack his stuff. By this point I was hysterical and I begged him to stay. I promised him I would try to be a better wife. He then reluctantly agreed to stay, but said that he wasn't sure how much more he could put up with.
I feel so so sad and miserable. The truth is that although I love him very very much, I am completely exhausted by everything in my life at the moment and feel completely empty. If it wasn't for our DCs I probably would've let him go as I don't know if I have the energy for all this anymore. I just can't bear to think about our DCs without their father in their life everyday. DC1 asks for him every day first thing in the morning. They have a fantastic relationship and adore each other. It breaks my heart to think that I could be a cause of breaking up that.
I don't really know what to do I am just so so sad. I don't really know why I'm posting on here, it just feels better to write it all down I guess. I'm just so so unhappy and I still love him. I don't want him to go. :(