DH nearly left me last night

[justsosad]

Where to begin...

DH is a good man. We have been together for 14 years, married for nearly 5 and I love him. We have 2 small children, the youngest is only 2 months old.

We have had major financial trouble for the past few months which has put a massive strain on our relationship. I do all our accounting and so I have this on my mind constantly. DH feels like a failure because he works hard and we still can't afford to pay for our outgoings. I am self employed and started doing the odd bit of work a month after DC2 was born to try and help make ends meet. We are both exhausted as both DCs wake through the night.

DH has dealt with his feelings by going to the pub every evening to try to forget about things. This makes me cross as he is spending money we can't afford and it has caused lots of arguments, but he says he needs somewhere to go after work to relax and get away from it all.

I try to be a good wife, but I'm rubbish at keeping the house tidy (which he hates) and I guess I do remind him every day of what bills we need to pay, but I can't get them out of my head. I make dinner every evening, but at least twice a week he doesn't turn up for it as he's stayed at the pub longer than he should which then results in an argument.

Another thing which causes arguments is DH smoking. He doesn't smoke in the house or anywhere near the children, but I am completely paranoid about cot death as DH lost a child with his first wife due to cot death. This is obviously very painful for him, but instead of confronting it he chooses to ignore it and won't read the cot death leaflets we have been given. He therefore won't acknowledge that smoking can be a contributor. The reason that I am mentioning this is that this was what triggered the row we had last night. He stepped outside to have a cigarette and I could smell smoke in the house so I asked him to close the door. He then pointed to the smoke and said it was going outside. I tried to say that if I could smell smoke there were particles of the chemicals in the air which was dangerous for DC2. He then got angry and we had a row. I said (and probably shouldn't have) that if anything happened to DC2 it would be his fault. I really wish I hadn't said that now as I know it was unfair. I am just so paranoid about it.

Anyway, this argument escalated and he said that he did not feel comfortable in his own home cause he couldn't do what he liked in it and that I was trying to change him. The only thing I can think of was smoking. To cut a long story short I accused him of saying things and he accused me. I felt that he twisted everything I said to mean something slightly different (something he does a lot). He then said he had enough and we would be better off without him. He got angry and hit the wall. Then he said that if he was angry enough to hit the wall, cause he was so angry with me that he had wanted to hit me and hit the wall instead, that it was time for him to leave and then he started to pack his stuff. By this point I was hysterical and I begged him to stay. I promised him I would try to be a better wife. He then reluctantly agreed to stay, but said that he wasn't sure how much more he could put up with.

I feel so so sad and miserable. The truth is that although I love him very very much, I am completely exhausted by everything in my life at the moment and feel completely empty. If it wasn't for our DCs I probably would've let him go as I don't know if I have the energy for all this anymore. I just can't bear to think about our DCs without their father in their life everyday. DC1 asks for him every day first thing in the morning. They have a fantastic relationship and adore each other. It breaks my heart to think that I could be a cause of breaking up that.

I don't really know what to do I am just so so sad. I don't really know why I'm posting on here, it just feels better to write it all down I guess. I'm just so so unhappy and I still love him. I don't want him to go. :(

I thikn the best thing that could happen under the circumstances is that he leaves you

you and the DCs deserve far better

nothing wrong with going to the pub now and again to let of steam and relax, or the odd ciggie BUT bills & children have to take priority.

when do you get to go out and let of steam and relax and spend a few quid?

he is getting violent, abusive verbally and financially and you are busy running around bowing to his ever whim and begging him to stay

he holds all the power right now, there is no balance and equality..

i hope he leaves you to be honest

if he wanted to do as he pleased, then getting married and having children should not have been on his agenda

why did his first marriage break up?

he wants to come and go as he pleased, drink and smoke and do what he wants and have ypou at home as some down troddne maid servant to service his needs and make him feel like the big man

He runs away from problems. He wont deal with the death of his child and now he runs to the pub rather than sort out financial problems. Next time he wants to run away from you, let him. You can't sort out the problems on your own, unless you really are on your own. He needs to man up and grow up.

JustSoSad - I didn't mean to mislead you, I haven't been in the same position as you, I just said a similar thing to you and pleaded with my partner (now long ago ex) not to leave and promised to change etc. It was many years ago now and it embarrasses me to admit it, as it will you one day. I didn't have kids, he wasn't going to the pub every night but he was smoking - although the rows had nothing to do with that. I was insecure because he'd cheated on me, I accused him of doing it again and all hell let lose - I took the blame and promised him I'd change he said what your DH said (pretty much OK I'll stay, but I don't know how much more I can take) - when I look at it now I think 'what the fuck was I thinking??' but at the time I was young, I loved him and I really, really wanted it to work. I don't think he was cheating on me that time - but he did again later - I still didn't kick his arse to the kerb like I should have... it took another year or two...big sigh.

Your situation is so much worse than you can see right now. He is the one who is pissing your money away at the pub, he is the one smoking, he is the one disengaging from your relationship, he is the one getting angry & violent - you are the one looking after the kids, you are the one making the money stretch as far as possible, you are the one worrying about the bills - YET somehow he has you beliving all of this mess is your fault?!

As others have said - it's a slippery slope. You only have to talk to people on the relationship board to see the parallels and how it all starts.

I bet a few months ago you would have said he wouldn't hit a wall in anger, he'd never ever say he wanted to hit me.....

It creeps up on you, little by little.

Your DC deserve better than to be living like this. You love him, but hopefully you love your kids enough to get them out of this siutation.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak makes an excellent point, things change so gradually that you don't even notice. A lot of women who find themselves in abusive relationships did not go into it knowing that their partner was going to hit, beat, bully, or berate them. Things turned so slowly that they didn't know what was going on until they found themselves full pelt into it and struggling to get out. That's why you need to recognise that you have just been given a very big warning of things that may be to come.

The more I've read the more I think you need to get yourself out of this. Even temporary separation - would that work?

You wouldn't be the cause of your dc not having their father living with them every day, your husband would. He is drinking money you can't afford and smoking money away that you can't afford, and after the sad death of his other child I can not understand this at all, but you need to think if you can carry on like this indefinitely.

he sounds like a knob. your all such a bloody burden, he has to go to the pub.

fuck that shit,

and what the fuck...promise to be a better wifey? put an apron on and hoover a bit more and things will be ok? to stop asking him to be a grown up and take car of his family instead of going to the pub like a twat.

and begging....oh he's got you where he wants you now hasn't he? now he can be a 24 hour cunt and know your too shitscared to do anything about it

yeah great dad that, fucking up the finances of the family so he can go to the pub - yeah great dad going to pub every night and spending the kids money

I think you need to realise your own worth here OP. I have been there with the begging etc and I am actually ashamed I acted like that.

What do you have to lose by giving him an ultimatum re going to the pub every night whilst you are all having financial problems? It is clear he should not be doing this at all, yet he is getting angry at you for stopping him doing what he likes without regard for his family. He is in the wrong here and stressed so trying to lay it on you, which is unfair in the extreme.

I think you are saying you are not willing to leave him OP (?) but if he really is a good man who wants his family he will respond to you clearly setting out why going to the pub is unacceptable when under so much financial pressure and an ultimatum that if he does not stop this immediately you will leave him (and for god's sake mean it). If he doesn't then you will then know that he does not value you like you had thought and the desicion to leave will then be clear to you on that alone.

Good Luck. I know the feeling

Sounds like an habitual drinker who uses booze to cope.

He must realise that you cannot afford this, its so expensive.

I could not contemplate doing housework when mine were 2 months old. I was too exhausted.

What
The
Fuck

£300 a month would feed a family of four.

He sounds like a prize prick.

Can you really not cope without him? He sounds pathetic and childish

His coping mechanisms make things worse. What are your coping mechanisms?

Giving up smoking is very difficult and not the most worrying problem.

What worries me is

1. you begging him for you to stay together and saying you will try harder. You are not "allowed" to "complain".

1. You doing bits of work just a month after giving birth (I did that as well).

1. Him twisting things you say and everything becoming your fault. When it is not your fault.

1. Signs of violence (thumping the wall)

1. Even if he never hits you, the way he talks to you is abusive and damaging.

1. Him complaining about tidyness. Especially just two months after having a baby, but even in general, why is that your fault, not his?. It seems that for abusive men, a need for control, is partly shown in hating untidyness, not wanting children to change the level of tidyness, what he spends and does in his social life etc.

The only good thing is he was going to leave, rather than him telling you to leave.

It often takes time and thought to decide you would be better off without him and only you can do that, no one can decide for you.(But when I ended my marriage, my only regret was, previously begging for us to stay together, trying to be a better wife, do what he wanted, instead of seperating much sooner).

You are at a very vulnerable time so soon after having a baby, and he does not care or recognise that.

Sorry but your DH has all the attitudes of a classic abuser, even if he hasn't (yet) started to physically abuse you. You say he is a Good Man. He exhibits all the characteristics of a Bad Man and you have constructed a narrative that says he's good so you can't see what's bad about what he's doing.

He's absenting himself from you, his home and his responsibilities, when he should be with you, doing his fair share. He needs somewhere to go after work to relax? what about you? When do you get time to relax? Oh, you don't do you, because your needs aren't as important as his, because all you're doing is looking after a 2 month old baby and a toddler and as everyone knows, that's a big skive and you should be looking after him as well when he gets home, not expecting him to behave like an adult.

Why are you making dinner every evening? You're looking after a 2 month old baby, that is far more time consuming and hard work than working in a job, why isn't he coming home and looking after you, as a normal loving husband would?

He doesn't think your needs matter. That's the bottom line on this. And when you try and challenge that attitude, he threatens to leave you and he threatens violence (because that's what bashing the wall is - it's a threat).

I don't think the smoking and the drinking matter, in the sense that they are simply symptoms of what's wrong here - the cause, is that he doesn't respect you because you're only his wife. Like I say, he has all the entitled attitudes of a classic abuser. I recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" if you don't believe me.

And also it sounds to me like he's convinced you that you don't deserve any respect or consideration either - you're just there to service him.

Really, this is horrible. No wonder you are miserable.

unfortunately, OP seems to have disappeared to lick her wounds

If he stopped smoking and drinking today, he would still have the same attitudes that make him an abuser.

I hope the OP comes back. Maybe seeing to the children? Or licking her wounds? Or servicing the man in some way? In some ways it might be a relief when he is out at the pub.

I second reading the Lundy Bancroft book.

I think you are trying to carry the burdens of the world on your shoulders and taking the blame when you (completely understandably) can't do it all. Not only are you trying to shoulder all the responsibility for your own family, it sounds as though you are also taking on the issues surrounding the loss of your husband's child- and that's something you can't do for him. I think he was probably very upset about the comment you made- you've realised that, and tried to make amends, but it's possible that he harbours feelings of guilt wrt the smoking. You said what you said out of concern for your baby, but it sounds as though he perhaps needs professional help to deal with his feelings about his very tragic loss. A lifetime of post-work drinks is not going to help with those issues.

You are doing all you can. Expecting a tidy house when you have a newborn and a toddler in utterly unrealistic. Even getting dinner on the table every day is a major task. You might have a better chance of keeping up with the house if you had more help with the children, but both of you have placed the responsibility for the house entirely on you. At the moment, your full-time job is caring for 2 small children. They cannot safely entertain themselves while you do housework; that's why a bit of teamwork is needed.

Perhaps he needs to see for himself what the financial implications are of his smoking and drinking- don't just tell him, work together through the bank statements and bills. Set aside a time to do this, maybe at the weekend when he hasn't been drinking. It might also be worth finding out exactly what you are entitled to if he does leave, and what he will be required to pay in terms of maintenance, extra living costs etc. I hope it doesn't come to that, clearly you want to save your marriage, but he is (or should be ) an equal partner in this. You shouldn't have to beg him to stay, and you shouldn't have to change- marriage is a partnership, you cannot do it all alone.

Yes, why is the responsibility for maintaining the relationship, your's and your's alone OP?

Why is your DH not responsible for keeping you happy and working on his part of the relationship?

A good man doesn't fritter away 70 quid per week when the family finances are shit.

You'd be better off without this waste of space.

I haven't disappeared, I'm here and reading the responses. I've just been silent cause it's difficult to read stuff that you don't necessarily want to hear about someone you love and I don't really know how to respond to what you all say because I love him and don't want him to leave. I want my marriage to work and I don't want to raise my DC on my own. I still don't believe that DH would ever actually hit me, but I do understand what you all say about a slippery slope, so I will be aware of that. I really appreciate people taking the time to respond though and am trying to take on board all that you say. Thank you.

Thank you especially Inertia for your understanding response and suggestions. x

Things have been a lot better since the other night and DH seems to be making a real effort. I think he feels bad about what happened, we haven't mentioned it since though.

Thank you all again, its nice to have people to talk to about this as I could never talk to anyone in RL. xx

Please remember you can always put your thoughts on here, even if the responses are difficult to read

x

Thank you AnyFucker xx

justsosad - but why haven't you mentioned it since? I appreciate that it must be difficult, but I think that you have to find a way to talk about what's happening.

You are so concerned about the bills/your finances, and it's not fair that this pressure is on your shoulders. You have to tell him about your worries/fears - you are suppose to be sharing these things as a married couple.

The power balance is all wrong in your relationship in that it all lies with him at the moment instead of being equally distributed. And whilst you still beg him to stay, promise you'll be a better wife, you are never relating to him on an equal basis.

Please try and find a way to start to talk to him.

justsosad, the issue isn't that he might hit you one day; he might, he might not. The point is, he is already abusing you and you can't see it, because it's emotional abuse, which of course is much harder to spot than physical abuse.

A 2 month old baby and a man who goes to the pub and threatens to leave when you call him on it? And then you have to walk on eggshells all week so as not to - what? Upset him again? "Make" him slam out to the pub?

This behaviour pattern is abusive. Please read Lundy Bancroft, your DH is using classic techniques, it really helps to name the behaviour because then you're not flummoxed by it when it happens, you recognise it for what it is.

If you can't afford to buy the book, borrow it from the library. If they haven't got it they should be able to request it from another library.