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Original poster

Becoming resentful about sex- can this be saved?

87 replies

saveable · 27/01/2011 09:37

:( Sorry for the namechange.
I've been with my dp about 6 months, he is wonderful, we have spent a few days out with my dc and they get on very well too. The problem is our sex life, and it's getting me down as I feel that with everything else so great I am letting this become an issue. I was single for 3 years before meeting him and didn't really miss sex tbh, but now I'm with him I want it. We waited 4 months to actually sleep together, but it turns out he has erectile dysfunction. Things are far far better than the firts few times when he just couldn't maintain an erection, but not spectacular. We have been open and honest with each other about this, he has been to the doctor who has ruled out anything physical. He hasn't been with many women, and is relatively inexperienced so I think it's nerves more than anything. I am trying to hard not to show that this is upsetting for me, as I know I have to show support or it will never improve. I don't want him to feel self conscious. What a doormat I sound Blush
The first few times when we got nowhere he was very attentive, but now I just feel it's all about him. I spend so much time trying to get him up that me and my needs don't really get a look in. I feel bloody awful this morning. I woke up twice in the night because he was having a wank next to me, pretty damn vigorously by the way it shook me awake. Now I don't know if he was asleep? We had had sex before going to sleep, he definately came, I didn't. I know I need to bring this up because tbh it is making me not want to sleep with him at all. It hurts that he would do that with me right next to him, but also that he woke me up iyswim?
I hope I don't sound petty. I just dom't know how to approach this without being selfish :(

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 27/01/2011 09:39

You don't sound petty. You are entitled to a fulfilling sex life. As you have only been together a short time, and already he isn't bothered about your satisfaction, I would advise you think about finishing things. A rubbish sex life is not something anyone should live with.

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 09:43

i could say this looks doomed from the off
you have only just started sleeping together and he relieves himself!!!!! you should be in the lust period.
maybe get away from the full sex thing, and start mutual wanking, get him to pleasure you, and you do the same in return, maybe then once your both bringing each other off, things will move on to full sex

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 09:46

After only 6 months I would cut your losses and move on TBH. He's got hangups of some sort, you have tried to be patient but it sounds like it's getting worse not better.

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 09:47

This is what I was afraid you'd say. I feel such a bitch :( I know I'm entitled to a good sex life, but I also know it's not his fault he has erectile problems. I woudl feel terrible if I dumped him over this, but I know it's not my problem. I 6do^ like him though, that's the thing. If he was horrible I would have no hesitation getting rid of him. It seems such a selfish thing for me to have a problem with

OP posts:
Limara · 27/01/2011 09:50

wanking, thought he had erectile dysfunction Sad

So it's alright for him to give himself an errection, but he can't get it up with you.

Is this correct?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 09:53

Limara, he can get it up, he just can't last particuarly long and tbh he can't get as hard as either of us would like. He can lose it at the drop of a hat so to speak. I know it's early days as far as that goes though, if we intend to stay together I expect this will get better. But bloody hell, what if it doesn't?? I can't help but put myself in his shoes. How would you like it if someone dumped you because of that?

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 27/01/2011 09:56

Maybe he was wanking coz he's trying to train himself?

malinkey · 27/01/2011 09:56

But it's not just because he can't get it up though - he's not satisfying you, you're putting more effort in and he's not meeting your needs - and then he's meeting his needs even more by wanking in the night. I think he sounds pretty selfish.

IAmReallyFabNow · 27/01/2011 09:56

You are not here to save him. I am no doctor but I am sure there are things that he could do to help himself and if he isn't willing to try then why should you? I know you like him but things are not going to get any better when he is having "vigarous wanks" next to you. Was this after you had had sex and he had come?

Limara · 27/01/2011 09:56

Give him time? He hasn't had many relationships. I can see this is going to cause a LOT of resentment though.....Can you stick it?

madonnawhore · 27/01/2011 09:58

Erectile problems aside, I would be really offended if my partner woke me up by having a vigorous wank next tome as I slept. ESPECIALLY if he had already had an orgasm that night but I hadn't.

It's a bit creepy and rude. Or am I just being prudish? Anyone else's partners masturbate furiously in the middle of the night and it's not a big deal?

KikiJane · 27/01/2011 10:00

If it's not physical then has he thought of counselling?

Also, you do not sound like a doormat. The last thing that will help will be you moaning at him about it and making him feel worse than he does already. And you obviously know this.

It probably will get better with time, and as he comes to know and trust you more. But only you can know whether you're willing to wait, and you couldn't be blamed for not being willing.

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:00

Yes, we had had sex and yes he came. I can give it time, I do like him, but I just need to get the balls to say something without compounding the problem in his head. All the stuff I've read about erectile dysfunction says that as his partner I need to be understanding and just take it slowly, but my god I can see how this can cause massive problems in relationships. I think if I brought this up he'd probably be a bit mortified and apologetic. I should have said something last night, but I didn't want to embarass him and tbh I was so shocked to be jigged awake that I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. Is it ok to say to him today that I woke up and wasn't particuarly happy?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 10:01

Not sure if this is good advice or not but if he is inexperienced then he could get really shy and have perfromance issues that effect him being hard. (on his own he can get hard becuase it is only himself he has to please - does this make sense?)

Why dont you let him explore your body in his own time, show him how to please you with his hands and mouth etc. when he see's that he can please you then all his hang ups will soon dissolve.

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:01

That's the thing though madonna, I don't know that he was awake iyswim. I did turn over nad make some noise so he knew I was awake iyswim, and he went straight back to snoring

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 10:01

has he moved into your home?
have you become to friendly and familiar too soon (with involving kids and stuff )?
humm... what a shame for you after been single for a long time
I would take on the advice from BatMan but if that doesnt work may be suggest to be friends for the time being
What does he says? Has it been like this for sometime? With previous girlfriends? Why did he not say before getting into bed with you this may happen?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:05

No no, he hasn't moved in, he comes over several nights a week and leaves before the dc get up, I'm not going to let anyone become involved with my dc too soon. We've had 2 trips to the park altogether, that's it.
He has had three previous girlfriends of only a few months. I know his confidence has taken a battering in early adulthood becaus ehe used to have a weight problem, and I know how that can affect you. I haver to say the fact he'd never had a long term relationship struck me as surprising as he is otherwise a great person. He didn't warn me of this before we first slept together, and tbh I don't really blame him. It's not just me, he says it's happened with other people too

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 27/01/2011 10:06

Can you not just ask him outright? Say "were you awake while you were masturbating last night cos you were really going for it?".

It's a sensitive issue, but you have to be able to express how you feel too, otherwise resentment will just build up and there will be no benefit to your keeping quiet, it will actually only exacerbate the problem.

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 10:07

hell i've said soemthing right for once!!!
you need to lay some ground rules
ie his sexual pleasure is your job and yours is his
NO self pleasures

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:07

No self pleasures? Well what the hell will that achieve?

OP posts:
batman47555 · 27/01/2011 10:10

more fun together!

gobbledegoop · 27/01/2011 10:11

Get rid of him now or you are setting yourself up for years of heartache. It's not just the fact that he can't or wont satisfy you, it's that already he is showing signs of being a selfish pig! I mean seriously, wanking next to you??? I would be fuming even if things were great in bed, it is disrespectful and rude to not involve you especially after just 6 months!

Move on!

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 10:11

sorry batman47555 but my wife is glad of my self pleasures (saves her a job)

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 10:12

MS i know what you mean, mine prefers not to know!

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 10:15

Honestly, I would go back to basics. No sex just have fun exploring with each other. there is nothing better than your partner showing you how best to please her. then you know you are doing it right for her.