Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Becoming resentful about sex- can this be saved?

87 replies

saveable · 27/01/2011 09:37

:( Sorry for the namechange.
I've been with my dp about 6 months, he is wonderful, we have spent a few days out with my dc and they get on very well too. The problem is our sex life, and it's getting me down as I feel that with everything else so great I am letting this become an issue. I was single for 3 years before meeting him and didn't really miss sex tbh, but now I'm with him I want it. We waited 4 months to actually sleep together, but it turns out he has erectile dysfunction. Things are far far better than the firts few times when he just couldn't maintain an erection, but not spectacular. We have been open and honest with each other about this, he has been to the doctor who has ruled out anything physical. He hasn't been with many women, and is relatively inexperienced so I think it's nerves more than anything. I am trying to hard not to show that this is upsetting for me, as I know I have to show support or it will never improve. I don't want him to feel self conscious. What a doormat I sound Blush
The first few times when we got nowhere he was very attentive, but now I just feel it's all about him. I spend so much time trying to get him up that me and my needs don't really get a look in. I feel bloody awful this morning. I woke up twice in the night because he was having a wank next to me, pretty damn vigorously by the way it shook me awake. Now I don't know if he was asleep? We had had sex before going to sleep, he definately came, I didn't. I know I need to bring this up because tbh it is making me not want to sleep with him at all. It hurts that he would do that with me right next to him, but also that he woke me up iyswim?
I hope I don't sound petty. I just dom't know how to approach this without being selfish :(

OP posts:
Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:22

SOme good suggestions, thanks everyone. I may impose an actual sex ban, we can do everything but maybe? I may just ask him if he was awake as well. It has made me more cross than it should have done really, mostly because I'm now bloody exhausted

OP posts:
malinkey · 27/01/2011 10:25

It would make me cross too!

JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 10:29

if you are going to try it a bit longer dont have him sleeping at yours hey!
what you dont see it doesnt hurt Smile

BatMan Smile

KikiJane · 27/01/2011 10:30

The sex ban thing is something they advise in sex counselling sessions, IIRC. There are books you can buy on this topic, although I can't recommend a good one, never having been through this myself. I would suggest buying one, hiding it from him and reading it in private. It might help.

Or websites. There must be websites about this stuff.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 27/01/2011 10:41

Golly. I have to say that I am quite shocked....by peoples reactions.

Do you love him?

I had problems having sex...really they were emotional and it was only my DHs patience and love that helpe me over them..male problems with performance don't seem to be taken seriously do they?

He may need councelling...even when I had a hard time having sex I still masturbated...not while in bed with hm I admit...but it didnt mean I didn't love my partner.

Do people really throw away a relationship so fast? Over sex?

He has problems obviously...but if this is emnough to dump himover then I cannot see why yu would persue ANY reltionship really..they are about upporting onanother and having patience.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 10:44

Well said WimpleOfTheBallet

WimpleOfTheBallet · 27/01/2011 10:48

The weight issue is an important one...my problems stemmed from my own weight problem.. was anorexic for years...it sounds like body cnfidence could be affecting him.
You get in a place where you think you're hideous...even when you are "over"the problem.

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:48

Thank you wimple, that is a great response. I don't want to throw it away over htis one thing. Yes, I'm cross about it, but mroe because it's hurt my feelings and I'm cross that I didn't say anything about it this monring. I've asked him to come over later and we'll talk about it then. Hopefully it won't embarass him and he can see why I'm upset about it. If he's not apologetic then I guess I'll have my answer

OP posts:
Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 10:49

Well wimple, I'm an ex anorexic myself so i too can understand completely. I feel a bit better now knowing he's coming over later

OP posts:
lifeinlimbo · 27/01/2011 10:51

If he loses it and can't continue, get him to carry on with his finger. or tongue Grin. Other option is for you to finish before he starts, then it doesnt matter how long he lasts.
Have fun x

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 10:53

hope your chat sorts its out
was he under the impression once a night was enough for you? you definately know once isn't enough for him, tell him to wake you next time!!!!!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 27/01/2011 10:54

He may not be apologetic though Saveable because he could have deep seated shame issues over his body...he may be defensive or angry or dismssive.

I don't think these would indicate his true feelings though...I think it kind of depends on how much you want to invest in him...it has taken DH and I 7 years to get to a point where our sex life is great.

Is he fabulous in any other aspects?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 11:00

Yes wimple, he's a great man. I really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and really, we can talk very openly with each other, which is why I'm cross at myself for not bringing this up with him. Hopefully we can laugh about it later. I think shame may come into it tbh, I know i felt the same way abou tmy body for a long time and I still have hangups related to that too.

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 11:00

BatMan >>was he under the impression once a night was enough for you?

ah ah obviously it wasnt near enough for her was it? Smile

WimpleOfTheBallet · 27/01/2011 11:03

Then if you ask me its worth working on....it's rare to find someone like that...and there's often some "Issue" with a partner..who is perfect in other ways.

Once it's out in the open it should be easier....

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 11:06

Thank you so much wimple. I agree, I haven't met anyone like him and I do feel very lucky. If we have to work on something, then really, there could be worse things to have to overcome.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:12

tell you what, when he comes tonight, dont mention the wanking just pass him a blindfold and some rope and tell him to tie your hands above your head and put the blind fold on you. then tell him to have fun.

Then see how turned on he gets wink wink

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 11:16

Spocy what are you suggesting???
maybe afterwards saveable should tell him, he will bound up before you go to sleep to stop his hands wandering between his legs!

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 11:17

Yeah that'll help Hmm

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 11:25

MrSpoc are you implying that he might be just so used to wanking and porn that unless he has that kind of scenario available he is not to get it up?

(sorry OP hope I dont make you sick-er)

Longtalljosie · 27/01/2011 11:34

Has he thought about Viagra? It wouldn't be a permanent thing but it might break the cycle.

I imagine, if he was making no effort to be discreet, he was doing it in his sleep so don't assume he knows what you're talking about!

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 11:37

Well he was worried so he just called me. He was mortified, he was definately doing it in his sleep. I feel awful now as he feels it's his fault, even though I believe he was not conscious of it at all. He's adamant that he has to make sure it doesn't happen again. Blimey, what a confusing day :( I am pleased it wasn't a conscious thing, but I now feel awful for him as he thinks he's really upset me. I tried explaining that as he wasn't awake it wasn't an issue.
As far as the viagra goes, I would be all for that. His GP is the one he's had from childhood and feels very comfortable with him. I have enormous respect for the fact that when we had discussed his problems he agreed to go to the GP> BUt the information the GP provided him with is more geared towards peopel with a physical problem, whereas both he and the GP think his is more a mental one.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 11:38

OK, when you have the talk, what you need to watch out for is willingness on his side to make some effort. If it all becomes a matter of you being endlessly patient and putting no pressure on him and doing everything he wants while he just... flops about then resentment will grow. If he's willing to try stuff and listen to you (oh and do things that give you pleasure) then he's worth persevering with. If he just expects you to wait, or to do all the work in fixing him, then it's better to dump and move on, because a selfish, passive partner is no good in the long run.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:47

JustForThisOne - it may have come across wrong.

What i was trying to say was, remember when you first started having sexual encounters, how you would spend ages exploring each others bodies before you actually had sex months later.

So if you got tied up, put a blindold on, then you get the excitment of no knowing what he will do and may be he will be more relaxed and get excited exploring. Does that make sense?

I was not trying to let my seedy world of hard core porn come out and infect you all sorry.

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 11:48

Saveable,

How old is your dp?

I wouldnt be bothered if my dp was having a wank next to me while he was asleep. Sometimes we do stuff half asleep and then laugh about it the next day because we can't remeber properly what happened or who initiated it!

I would be bothered if he did it next to me when awake though, unless he woke. Nothing wrong with having a wank as well as sex I think. It is a problem if it is instead of though.

I think If I were you and I really liked it I would carry on trying to help him so long as he put effort in too. And so long as he was willing to please me. If after a few more months there is no change then I'd end it Im afraid. Things will only get worse the older he gets and you will end up with a crap or non existent sex life.

To be this would be a massive deal as sex and intimacy should always play a big part. I wouldn't mind an inexperienced bloke who was keenGrin, but and inexperienced one with hang ups, well that is a different story.

Swipe left for the next trending thread