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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Becoming resentful about sex- can this be saved?

87 replies

saveable · 27/01/2011 09:37

:( Sorry for the namechange.
I've been with my dp about 6 months, he is wonderful, we have spent a few days out with my dc and they get on very well too. The problem is our sex life, and it's getting me down as I feel that with everything else so great I am letting this become an issue. I was single for 3 years before meeting him and didn't really miss sex tbh, but now I'm with him I want it. We waited 4 months to actually sleep together, but it turns out he has erectile dysfunction. Things are far far better than the firts few times when he just couldn't maintain an erection, but not spectacular. We have been open and honest with each other about this, he has been to the doctor who has ruled out anything physical. He hasn't been with many women, and is relatively inexperienced so I think it's nerves more than anything. I am trying to hard not to show that this is upsetting for me, as I know I have to show support or it will never improve. I don't want him to feel self conscious. What a doormat I sound
The first few times when we got nowhere he was very attentive, but now I just feel it's all about him. I spend so much time trying to get him up that me and my needs don't really get a look in. I feel bloody awful this morning. I woke up twice in the night because he was having a wank next to me, pretty damn vigorously by the way it shook me awake. Now I don't know if he was asleep? We had had sex before going to sleep, he definately came, I didn't. I know I need to bring this up because tbh it is making me not want to sleep with him at all. It hurts that he would do that with me right next to him, but also that he woke me up iyswim?
I hope I don't sound petty. I just dom't know how to approach this without being selfish :(

OP posts:

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 13:53

I dont you would be able to do it vigourously whilst asleep without waking yourself up?!

Like I said My dp and I often have some sort of sex whilst hals asleep, not what I would describe as vigorous though. Usually we do wake up at some point though!

If my DP wanted a vigorous wank with us both awake though, then that is fine

Bonzai · 27/01/2011 14:59

saveable He used to have very low self-esteem, and his sex life got off the ground well into his 20s and this was a hangover from that, despite his confidence having greatly increased in recent years. IIRC because psychological ED in youngish men (he is also 28) is reasonably common, many GPs will try drugs first before exploring counselling.

I did wonder if there was another cause that he hadn't mentioned but he is emotionally literate and open, so I genuinely believe there is nothing being 'masked' as such - the drugs just helped him to break the cycle.

Bonzai · 27/01/2011 18:11

Sorry, meant to say that his GP didn't AFAIK suggest counselling before prescribing drugs.

Original poster

saveable · 27/01/2011 19:10

Well he'll be here in half an hour and I feel really odd about it. Mortified on his behalf, and also worried I'll just spend the time apologising

OP posts:

sushiknife · 28/01/2011 01:31

Hope it went okay?

I had a bf like this - sex became such a downer, because he was so anxious all the time (and so was I) - the SECOND he got hard it was all must have sex now now and then inevitably he'd be ashamed of how he'd 'done' - so my needs weren't attended to fully at any point. I am not convinced he enjoyed having sex at all, because any pleasant physical sensation seemed so overwhelmed with his worrying and waiting to lose his erection, it was like a race.

He was very fatalistic about it; "I'm a dud root" (he was australian), wouldn't consider stopping the spliffs which I am sure contributed to the problem. Sex just became a huge glaring issue and I'm not really a minx at the best of times so we ended up sort of cringing to death and it petered out.

I hope things go better for you!

CockularDepravity · 28/01/2011 03:03

No, men do not masturbate vigorously in their sleep. I know you get sleep walkers but I've never heard of a sleep wanker.

Does he wake with morning glory, as most males regularly do?

gobbledegoop · 28/01/2011 09:43

I was wondering about the 'vigorously'! Seems very unlikely.

Original poster

saveable · 28/01/2011 09:59

Well it went ok. Obviously it was all a bit mortifying for us both. He has said he has never done anything like that before, and asked if I was sure that he was doing that. I said I didn't actually turn over and look, but that he was definately going at something. He says he gets very restless legs sometimes . I don't know what to think really. It seems to have made him quite angry that I thought he would do that, that he was the kind of man that would. I said it was nothing to do with the type of man who would do that,I was just surprised to be woken so suddenly. I'm not sure where to go with this now though. He said he'd been feelign very angry after I told him yesterday, but I said quite truthfullyto him that if I hadn't mentioned it I would still be sat here wondering what the hell was going on if I hadn't mentioned it.I think he is quite angry at himself, but also at me for mentioning it :( I can't be with a person who has issues with me being honest, I just can't.
We left on a good note though. It's just more obvious than ever that he has some big issues to sort out. And tbh I don't know if I can commit to helping him do it.

OP posts:

HelenaRose · 28/01/2011 12:27

I empathise, saveable. I was with a guy in his mid-thirties who, when I stayed at his, would lie in bed wanking over porn while I was relegated to sleeping on the sofa downstairs. (He had some bed-sharing issues too...) I didn't have the time or patience to deal with his lack of attraction for me/attention towards me so I cut my losses.

On the other hand, my current partner had erectile problems because of meds and we spent hours having fun. It wasn't about ability; it was about his willingness to make me happy.

madonnawhore · 28/01/2011 12:36

Sorry it didn't go how you hoped Saveable. FWIW his reaction makes me even more sure he's lying about the wanking which speaks volumes about his commitment to being honest and working this out with you.

He really has no reason to be angry with you for mentioning it. It's very unfair of him to be trying to displace the blame.

Original poster

saveable · 28/01/2011 16:11

Yes madonna, I so want to believe him but, well, I'm just not sure I do. Fair enough I didn't actually see it, but seriously that would have to have been a hell of a restless leg
I don't like that he was angry. I think he does have some anger and frustration issues already (not violent before anyone starts) and I know he already feels cross with himself in relation to the ED so this can't help.
It's all just left a sour taste. I've had one brief message today when usually there would be many more. I think I'm going to have to find a way to end it kindly. I cannot be putting up with this :(

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 28/01/2011 22:20

Sorry it hasn't worked out well saveable, but I always think it is better to find out what kind of a man you are dealing with ASAP and this one has shown his cards hasn't he? Don't spend tooooo much time fretting over how to end it kindly - it doesn't seem like he spends much time giving your feelings any consideration whatsoever.

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