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Original poster

Becoming resentful about sex- can this be saved?

87 replies

saveable · 27/01/2011 09:37

:( Sorry for the namechange.
I've been with my dp about 6 months, he is wonderful, we have spent a few days out with my dc and they get on very well too. The problem is our sex life, and it's getting me down as I feel that with everything else so great I am letting this become an issue. I was single for 3 years before meeting him and didn't really miss sex tbh, but now I'm with him I want it. We waited 4 months to actually sleep together, but it turns out he has erectile dysfunction. Things are far far better than the firts few times when he just couldn't maintain an erection, but not spectacular. We have been open and honest with each other about this, he has been to the doctor who has ruled out anything physical. He hasn't been with many women, and is relatively inexperienced so I think it's nerves more than anything. I am trying to hard not to show that this is upsetting for me, as I know I have to show support or it will never improve. I don't want him to feel self conscious. What a doormat I sound Blush
The first few times when we got nowhere he was very attentive, but now I just feel it's all about him. I spend so much time trying to get him up that me and my needs don't really get a look in. I feel bloody awful this morning. I woke up twice in the night because he was having a wank next to me, pretty damn vigorously by the way it shook me awake. Now I don't know if he was asleep? We had had sex before going to sleep, he definately came, I didn't. I know I need to bring this up because tbh it is making me not want to sleep with him at all. It hurts that he would do that with me right next to him, but also that he woke me up iyswim?
I hope I don't sound petty. I just dom't know how to approach this without being selfish :(

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:49

Viagra will not be a good solution, you have to get hard first for it to work and also its frustrating when you cant climax for ages. this may have the opporsite effect on his confidence.

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 11:49

Sorry I meant unless he woke ME!

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 11:54

Oh and always make sure that you keep on talking. It may be a bit embarrasing in a newish relationship talking about sex and what you like, being open. It is best to start as you mean to go on though. It will get easier and easier. It is much better to be like this than be too embarrassed to say something and then find out years down the line that one of you wasn't happy with something or wanted more of something.

JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 11:58

MrSpoc said >>
So if you got tied up, put a blindold on, then you get the excitment of no knowing what he will do and may be he will be more relaxed and get excited exploring. Does that make sense?

yeah yeah I understand is what you meant do not to worry
Still... if your theorema is right surely he is the one who need to be blindfold and tided up

TheProvincialLady · 27/01/2011 12:01

The man might have erectile dysfunction but he still has hands/a mouth etc, non? There is no excuse for him coming and then leaving you unsatisfied.

I don't believe he was furiously wanking in his sleep, sorry.

JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 12:06

what TOL said

still...OP is giving him a chance which is only fair

JustForThisOne · 27/01/2011 12:07

what TtheProvLady said

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 12:14

He's 28. I do believe he was asleep, purely from his reaction. It wasn't an 'oh shit I was caught' moment, it was a genuinely quite baffled and hurt one. I really hope i haven't compounded the problem. He's coming over later anyway, I just need to make my needs more well known I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 12:15

And not hurt for him I should add, he felt awful and hurt that he had made me feel the way I did.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 12:16

Oh saveable he is very young! Think he can be helped then!lol. Do think he needs to put in a huge effort with you though. Even more so as you have only been together a few months. Like someone else said, he has hands and a tongue that work doesn't he?Smile

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 12:22

and you could get some toys he could use on you when the real thing is not willing

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 12:38

Toys yes, also a good idea but these should be used as well as not instead of the real thing. He still needs to keep workinng on his problem and get it resolved, especially as he is so young so it must be psychological.

OP even if he does make an effort with you and you like him a lot I still think you need to make sure that he sorts out the ED. You need to look at the long term picture if you want to stay with him. How will you sex life be in 6 yrs, not 6 mths?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 12:41

I completely get what you're saying carmen, but I really don't know what I can be doing that I'm not already iyswim? He seemed to have just accepted his ED as the way he is before I came along, when tbh if I were a young guy I would do all I could to have got it sorted before now. All I can do is reassure him it isn't a problem and be patient and understanding, which is just what i am doing. Which is why last night took me so off guard and seemed so disrespectful to me iyswim? Of course I can help him with this, but I can't actually make it better. The power to do that lies with him surely? I'm happy to tackle this int he shortterm. But I cannot have a long term relationship with him if this gets no better :(

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 12:47

saveable it is just down to nearves. you just need to be a little patient. once he is relaxed and he realises that he can please you with his hands and mouth then the rest will come naturally.

carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 12:48

Absolutely, saveable. I agree about the long term future if he won't help himself. If he has resigned himself to thats the way things are at 28 yrs old, then things will get worse.

He needs professional help as it's obviously psychological, alongside your support and continuing to be intimate with him.

newnamethistime · 27/01/2011 12:49

I have only read the OP and a few of the first posts, so apologies if the thread has moved on etc.

I used to be an avid reader of Dan Savage's 'Savage love' sex-advice column (can be accessed online). He frequently discussed the dangers of 'vigourous' masturbation. In a nutshell, his view was that if a man wanks using lots of pressure/force (think death-grip) that it can become difficult for him to maintain an erection while with the softer contours of a woman etc etc. His prescription was to re-train the man's penis, by using less grip while masturbating.i.e the man would make a big effort and learn to masturbate without the death-grip action. Eventually, the man would be able to sustain an erection and ejaculate without so much force.
Could this be useful or am I way off the mark?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 12:54

Do you think he does need professional help then? I'm an old pro at therapy Wink and I know it's helped me enormously. But his doctor didn't suggest it, and tbh wouldn't it be pretty hard to get on the NHS? I know that for my very serious issues I still had to wait nearly a year for regular counselling. Would the suggestion that he needs it not just confirm in his mind that there is a problem? It seems an awful viscious circle

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 13:00

I don't know, saveable. I don't know enough about about ED to advise. Think if it was my dp I would do a bit of sensible searching on the internet and see what treatment/suggestions are.

How has sex been with prev girlfriends?

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 13:08

The same, though he says he had put it down to condoms being an issue as he didn't get on with them, and certainly the first few times we tried the condoms were an issue. But we both went to get tested together, bth are fine, and I trust my contraception (coil) so we've ditched them and there has been some improvement.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 27/01/2011 13:19

Then yes, if it has been an on going thing with all of his sexual relationships then he does need some professional help.

He defo needs to go back to his GP. it's not acceptable for a young man to be like this.

Bonzai · 27/01/2011 13:24

I beg you to go back to the doctor (or try a different one) and ask for Cialis.

I could have written your post six months ago ? my DP?s problem is/was also psychological but his GP prescribed the drug and it has been an enormous help. He started with half pills and very quickly progressed to quarter pills. I think he went back twice after the first prescription but since September has barely needed to use them.

The ED recurred recently but a quarter pill ?jump-started? him again. Just knowing that he has them as a crutch has tremendously increased his confidence.

Original poster
saveable · 27/01/2011 13:34

Bonzai, that's great and I'm happy for you. But I'm not sure medication is really the way to go. If there is a deep issue there, medication is merely going to mask it, not deal with it. But I don't know, I'm not a medical professional. How old is your dp? was he offered any counselling?

OP posts:
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 27/01/2011 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

batman47555 · 27/01/2011 13:49

not to my knowledge
i much prefer to be wide awake (alone) and fully aware or what i am doing
whoopps!! tissues matron

clevercloggs · 27/01/2011 13:50

I would suggest that this problem is psychological rather than physical - there is no threat of rejection or performing badly when masturbating so he has no problems in that area because there is no pressure to do well.