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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH lies

44 replies

witch6 · 26/01/2011 23:19

So, today, I went on his lap top to copy some photos from Christmas.
As I opened the photos file- I find a bunch of photos of very old woman in her underwear and then photos of him in suit and then with trousers down....
2 years ago, I found an email that was a photo of his d"£" to the same woman. At that time he blamed it on his friend who was staying with us as his wife had left him.

So I'm waiting for him to come home from work to discuss further.
We have a beautiful 3 month old son. But, he has been lying to me for 2 years. Its the same woman. Today on phone confrontation- "she keeps pestering me". WTF!!!
I feel many many things- he was basically a cocaine addict when I met him and has turned his life around or so I thought...
What to do- kick him to kingdom come?? But we have a baby... I know if we split, I won't want him to have any unsupervised contact as I'm pretty sure he will degenerate into a using mess again.....
I don't really have any RL people to talk to as they all will be a lot "told you so" and quite rightly...
Will have to go back to work early to pay the lone parent bills.
My parents (and his) will be devastated..
Will I ever trust him again??

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 23:32

God I feel sick just reading this, how the hell must you feel?

Are you saying that 2 years ago he denied it was his penis? And you couldn't tell?

I don't think you can trust a cocaine addict at the best of times, even if he is currently clean. I think the addiction makes lying a part of life. Surely you couldn't stay with him after this, does this 'perversion' not sicken you too much? And the disloyalty, with such a young baby.

God, I'm no help, sorry, out of my depth here.

griphook · 26/01/2011 23:34

really sorry this has happened to you. To be honest if he has done this before and is still doing it two years on, I don't think it will stop. I think you have to leave him and soon. Often family and friends will surprise you with how supportive they can be, and you should try to give them the chance to support you. you are not responsilble for someone taking drugs. you can not stop them or start them taking drugs it is their choice, it is just a way to control you and manipulate you, through fear that they will take drugs if you do xyz iyswim and if he starts taking agin then he doesn't deserve to have his DC in his life good luck

dittany · 26/01/2011 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

readywithwellies · 26/01/2011 23:39

He has had all day to think up excuses.

He has already lied, he will lie again. He will try to self-preserve.

I don't know what to say, I have been through similar. He decided to leave so the decision was taken from me but I am so glad he did.

I am not going to tell you to leave, that is up to you, you need some distance and time to think before making such a huge decision.

GypsyMoth · 26/01/2011 23:39

can i just say that being a lone parent with all the bills/childcare issues/work/disappointed parents,is far,far preferable than living like that!!

my ex was similiar,amongst other things,but life is so,so,so much better without him

you could insist on supervised contact as well(if it went to court you might have to convince them about addiction)

Original poster
witch6 · 26/01/2011 23:41

perfumedlife- I did think it was his. He was quite convincing in his story.Not having seen his friends, I couldn't 100% say otherwise.
Am pretty broken...

griphook- yes, thats what I think. Too many second chances....

But it is very hard. Literally just booked long haul trip to friends wedding next month.........

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 26/01/2011 23:44

Witch - don't worry about things like the wedding, people will understand. Don't make any decisions based on these type of circumstances - they are unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
witch6 · 26/01/2011 23:46

Also, so seriously p"£$d off that this woman is soo old and haggered. She finished her A levels before I started school!!!!!!
When I spoke to my sister briefly- she made Ashley Cole/Wayne Rooney comparison.
Not that I'm a footballer's wife type but am well kept mid thirties, 3 kgs off pre pregnancy weight at 3 months...

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 26/01/2011 23:51

It is the lack of honesty and failure of trust that would bother me more than what she looks like tbh.

Original poster
witch6 · 26/01/2011 23:53

Yeah of course, but is icing iyswim...
Am too angry/hurt/broken/sad/embarrassed to be rational

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 26/01/2011 23:56

It is OK, my exh went off with a woman who looks like a guinea pig. Seriously. I do understand where you are coming from.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 23:56

When you say 'very old' do you mean late 50s?

readywithwellies · 26/01/2011 23:57

In your irrational state have you hacked his emails or screened his computer for more evidence??

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:01

Do you think he is having an affair or do you think it is possible she is just weird?
Or she satisfies some fetish?

Original poster
witch6 · 27/01/2011 00:01

looked at history and it seems like as well as facebook, there one was one skype encounter.
I totally want to smash his face in (metaphorical), but also am soo F"£$ed off with her and the whole sisterhood thing. No-one does that do they unless really bad people.
He has pictures of me and the baby all over his facebook account.
God, I read about facebook being incited in soo many divorces. Until this morning, I thought we were a really happy family........

OP posts:
Original poster
witch6 · 27/01/2011 00:02

excuse bad grammar- am very angry

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 27/01/2011 00:05

snort

Sorry Blush

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:05

Sod the grammar.

I am really sorry for what you are going through.

Don't believe his lies, if he confesses all then maybe you have a chance, otherwise I would say you have no option but to end the relationship. Personally I couldn't stay.

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:07

CalamityKate - I find it hilarious too. I am so glad he has gone, have a much nicer life now with my new dp (who has no animal type characteristics unlike exh)

Original poster
witch6 · 27/01/2011 00:09

And the underwear was cheap tat- very flammable nylon!!!!!
Gutted for our son.
Very sorry for you readywiththewellies!! Guinea pig is a type of vermin and very cheaply replaced....
Hope she got her just deserts

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:14

I like guinea pigs in general. But no, she has not got her just deserts. But no doubt he will dump her for a chinchilla in a few years.

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:15
Original poster
witch6 · 27/01/2011 00:15

LOL!!
At least I can still laugh in the face of extreme shiteness......
Wish me luck for the showdown
x

OP posts:
robberbutton · 27/01/2011 00:16

Love the guinea pig thing! (I mean, of course not, awful you had to go through that, but - HA!) My H's OW was older as well, 6 years or so. Saw a pic of her on his phone and was like "oh. Really?" They are stupid bastards. Very Angry for you OP. :(

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:18

Well, I can't make him be faithful but at least I can make you laugh Grin

Good luck for the showdown. Try not to shout, stay calm, take in as much as you can. Ask as many questions as you can think of because he may close down after tonight and this may help you get closure if things go tits up.