If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

lol. this is the foulest-tempered thread i have seen in a long time on MN. i meant that if the OP can't be arsed with it any more, having flounced and de-flounced in the space of 12 hours, and it's going round in circles and just upsetting people (as it clearly is) then it might be time to leave it go.

no reeling she wasnt hounded out she left in a huff, flouncing its called I believe .

you think i said that in bad temper?

and it isn't upsetting me. if anyone is upset they are free to leave and post no more but i don't see why those who are gaining something from the discusiion should leave.

i;m sure it will fizzle out when people have had enough Aitch. We always have the report a post button if any of us out of line.

This place has gone too far the other way now. I won't be posting about DV again. I used to think people didn't get it if they haven't lived it, now women who have been abused themselves are claiming other abused women are wrong. I don't want any part of it.

you've not gained a thing from this discussion, ilove, your opinion hasn't shifted an inch because you are RIGHT and everyone who disagrees with you is WRONG. good to see the 'free to leave' line coming in, though, it's good advice. i will retire and leave you in peace to your self-congratulation.

"now women who have been abused themselves are claiming other abused women are wrong."

spikey it is ok for two people that share a common ground to still disagree. there is nothing wrong with that you know. jsut because they have both experienced DV, doesn't mean they should agree.

Aitch i think I'll trust my own personal knowledge of myself to ascertain whether i have gained anything from this thread or not.

Whilst society continues to give out mixed messages, saying that it is sometimes justified to hit your partner, some sections of society will find justification for domestic violence.

Society, the abused, and abusers need to know that it is never ok.

People who have recognised that they have been an abuser, and genuinely take steps to make sure it does not happen again should be vilified in the way that those who persist in abusing deserve.

yes i think thats the point entirely thistle.

Ooops!

People who have recognised that they have been an abuser, and genuinely take steps to make that it does not happen again should NOT be vilified in the way that those who persist in abusing deserve.

yes i wondered if that was what you really meant

actually Boo, if the last 20 pages of your comments are to be believed I would have thought you would agree to the first msg by Thistlew the one without the NOT

really? you haven't been reading them right then.

and just to be pedantic. i didn't actually say i agreed with either version of thistle's comment did i? but dont let the facts get in the way of you having a dig.

I get that all violence within a relationship is wrong - no-one's disputing this.

What I object to on this thread is the repeated stance that DV is non-gendered, that it's productive to keep saying it's exactly the same thing when a woman hits a man in a relationship as when a man hits a woman. There are all sorts of power imbalances within most hetero relationships that mean it isn't the same, it just isn't. I'd love to find some facts and figures on this. I get that the thread has moved on from the original OP, but in essence we're not talking about female abusers (who obviously do exist) but women who have been subject to EA and DV themselves and have been worn down. I can't believe the focus is on how these women should be behaving - ok it's wrong to hit back, but if you're depressed, weakened, manipulated and abused, how useful is it to be told by members of this forum that it was wrong to hit back? Thinking of Spikey here.

I think if \Spikey had posted ' was I wrong to hit back' she'd ahve very differnet answers tbh: more well yes but understandable

She did not; she aprticipated in a debate on the subject in general

I'm still glad I hit him. Even if it was just a slap. I just won't ever think I was wrong. So what if he didn't hit me first, it was a verbal assault.Because I didn't do what he wanted. It shouldn't be the abused justifying their actions, but the abuser. Most abusers would rub their hands in glee reading this thread, they really would.

God are you STILL on this?
Can you not just stop seeking absolute principles and have faith in your own judgement to assess each individual case?
Or is it easier to see everything in black and white terms?
What about the case of the woman who is tried for murder because she has hit back after years of abuse (way to go Little Mo)?
Do your absolute principles apply there?

She was equally wrong, though it was understandable

picjgo if you haven't already seen my comments i will reiterate. unless the woman (being tried for murder) did so in self defense then yes i think she was wrong to murder. but i agree with spikey in her tongue and cheek way , that it is totally understandable that she reacted as she did.