If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

I'm not saying it's better am I. I'm saying on a societal level male and female violence are not the same, even though they may be when abused men and women share their stories.

This is going too far the other way now. Saying an abused woman who lashes out is the same as an abuser is so low and wrong I can't believe what I'm hearing TBH!! In fact, I'd be shocked if the OP meant that

nah spikey, abuse is the same if you're a man or a woman

it doesn't make it ddiffereent on any level becuase more men actually perpetrate these actions

So am I an abuser for lashing out then? Because if so I'm very proud to be called one.

did someone say that an abused woman lashing out was the same as the acts of a perpetual abuser?

They did Custardo, yes

oh dear i missed that...where?

Gender matters in DV, of course it does.

Thank you SGB for being an almost sole voice of reason on here!

GENDER DOES MATTER

Add message | Report | Message poster spikeycow Mon 24-Jan-11 16:07:38
And no I was never an abuser just because I hit back. But if that's what people have to say to appear "right on" then get on with it.
And should abusive women kill to save the lives of themselves and their children? Damn right they should!! When some abusers threaten to harm the children they mean it.

again, not saying that at all. you are looking at it (understandably) from an extreme viewpoint. what is being discussed is whether female violence is as bad as male violence. whether a woman hitting a man because she lost her temper is any better than a man doing the same. some women react to assult with violence. I wouldnt. I would leave and take ds with me, regardless of whether I had money etc, I would find a way. I certainly wouldnt kill (at least I hope not) but thats not the argument here.

Post 14.53

no, noone has said that its the same. you are reading things incorrectly.

14:53:24
if she hits him in anything or than self defense then yes it is as bad. as him hitting her. frustration may have been here reasoning but do you honestly think men that hit women dont also justify it in their heads?

----
eh? am not reading that at all

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Mon 24-Jan-11 14:53:24
if she hits him in anything or than self defense then yes it is as bad. as him hitting her. frustration may have been here reasoning but do you honestly think men that hit women dont also justify it in their heads?

is this the one yoou mean? where boo says " if she hits him in anything o(the)r than self defense then yes it is as bad"

xpost custy.

POST 14.53 I'm not delusional, believe me I'm as educated as almost anyone on here

Yes that's what I meant. I did not hit in self defence, but in rage after being called names for hours. And I'm not sorry at all. If I'm as bad as him so be it

so the one we C&P'd?

Look, I'm reading the post correctly.

Are you telling me then that she didn't mean that I was excusing my actions like an abuser would excuse himself if his wife nagged him? If people are going to insinuate I'm stupid I'm off this thread

as boo (i think) said earlier, many violent men reason that their wives, girlfriends, whatever push them to it with their nagging, going on for hours, calling them names... what you are describing is a poisonous relationship, and its best for both of you that you are no longer in it.

Societally I agree- male to female violence is probably (given report levels0) more of a problem

but

societally is very different to individually.

If someone is hitting you and you have to hit them to get them off you- sad but necessary, absolutely: slightly different but my eldest son punched his way out of being stoned a year or so ago and I do not have a problem (disablist attack).

BUT if one hits a person from rage then that is iherently wrong regardless of your gender. yes generally (NOT always- I am far stronger than my DH) a man can cause more harm but morally it's as bad.

I don;t see why that is hard to get? I might have 3 yaers of degree level ethics behind me but I feel pretty sure I could have worded that before then easily enough.

It was an abusive relationship, where he was the abuser.

14:53:24
if she hits him in anything or than self defense...

ANYTHING OTHER THAN - i think being the operative words.

look, i realise you are personally invested and no-one is calling you stupid or unintelligent, we simply don't agree over the meaning of the words.

its ok to disagree to have reasoned debate no?

It's not inherently wrong if an abuse victim snaps. That's totally excusable and understandable. I will never accept I was in the wrong. He deserved a lot worse, as he would have got if he ranted at a man for hours. You are all wrong

"BUT if one hits a person from rage then that is iherently wrong regardless of your gender. yes generally (NOT always- I am far stronger than my DH) a man can cause more harm but morally it's as bad."

erm....i think we agree. well on everything except the meaning behind the post of 14.53

gosh darn it - i mixed peachy up with spikey...maybe we still don't agree spikey?