Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being thoughtless?

[FromDespairToWhere]

My work's xmas do was held (as it is every year) one afternoon in the week before christmas, from 12 until 5pm. At 5pm everyone who wants to carry on with the party goes into town for a few more drinks. In previous years DH and I have gone to this together as we both worked at the same place but this year was the first I've been to on my own as he no longer works for the same company.

I hadn't initially wanted to go but then decided that I would a few weeks before. I told DH that I didn't think I would be out late and wouldn't be drinking a lot as I had to look after DS2 the following day and didn't want to do it tired and with a hangover.

On the morning of the party DH asked what time I thought I was going to be home and I said I would be going into town at 5pm but probably only for a few hours and would text him to let him know what I was doing.

I had a much better time at the christmas party than I had anticipated and texted DH at 8.30pm to tell him this and that a few of us were leaving the main group and going to a quiet pub for a few pints. I got home about 11.30pm and everything seemed okay.

Last night though, DH brought this up during an argument saying that I had lied about what time I would be home and also about texting him. He said that he had expected me to either be home or to have texted him by 7pm. I apologised for not texting him earlier and said I had lost track of the time (not a great excuse I know, but it is the truth). He then got quite angry and said that I had still lied about what time I would be home. I explained that I hadn't intended to be later than about 8ish getting home but had changed my mind while out and didn't think this was such a big deal.

He then said that this is typical of me and that I've lied to him since then. He said that when I went to have my hair cut I said I would be 2 hours but was in fact nearly 4 and that sending a text to let him know where I was didn't make this okay.

I went to get my hair cut on Saturday with my mum and left the house at 10.30am saying I would be a couple of hours. After having our hair cut my mum said she was nipping to the supermarket and did I want to come and get a few bits. This took us about an extra 15 minutes and meant I had everything in for DS1's packed lunches for the week. As we were leaving the supermarket at 12.35pm my mum's friend rang and asked if she wanted to go round for a coffee. I've not seen her for a while and get on well with her so said I would come too. I texted DH and told him this. I arrived home just after 2pm and again everything seemed okay.

Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being a bit thoughtless?

To give a bit of further background to this, DH's ExW cheated on him and left him for OM and I don't think he's ever really gotten past this.

He is being very controlling.

I can understand he has issues because his ex cheated on him, but this does not excuse him accusing you of lying.

There is nothing wrong with what you did in either situation and you need to hold onto that. You are not being unreasonable and you mustn't let yourself start being controlled by his attitude.

You have two kids - are they his? If so, you have been together quite some time (if one is at least pre-school age) why is this an issue now or has he always been like this?

He sounds like a controlling twat. Totally irrational, too.

"Lied'- ffs.

He sounds petrified to me!

YANBU, sounds like one of those things you need to sit down and discuss properly. It is a case of managing expectations, he is assuming things but not telling you (ie that you would text by 7) then being hurt/cross when you do not live up to those expectations.

This is a proper chat time otherwise he is going to get more huirt and angry about things that you are totally unaware of! Of course he will also need to realise that is it totally unreasonable to expect plans not to change and that plans changing is not telling lies, it is a fact of life. IMHO he just sounds horribly insecure!

ffs - he will be getting you time machine at the front door to clock in and out next!

So, you were a few hours longer out with your friends A MONTH AGO and he still has the hump about this? He needs to shape up and stop being an idiot - you are a grown woman and can where you bloody well want to for as long as you like and so can he.

The ONLY circumstances where it would be ok for either partner to get cheesed off about this is if the other one is waiting for you to come back so they can go to work, or if you said you be back around 12ish (or whatever) and were still not not home by 4am, by which time anyone would be worried for your safety. But for goodness sake, you went out with a few mates and stayed out until 11.30 - what are you , 13!

He seems to have ishoos with trust and needs to stop being so bloody silly and controlling.

I recognise this behaviour from my H - horrible and controlling.

I also recognise myself in the way you post every last detail of everything because you feel you have to justify yourself. It's the result of being controlled for a while.

It's not you, honestly.

It could be that he is still hyper alert for lies and that's a pity but who can blame him. However, you still need to scream loudly that this will not be tolerated (not scream, literally, but stress it vociferously) and he has to trust you or their is no point to the marriage.

Are you sure he isn't just peeved at being left with the kids and wanted to get out himself?

I am a bit Dutch about timekeeping and so find other people's habit of changing plans/turning up late really annoying. This especially as I work so dont have a lot of spare time to sit around waiting while other people get there arses into gear.

So sorry but for me you are being a bit thoughtless.

Is it that he had the DCs and that he had plans to do stuff/go somewhere after you came home?

stillbobbys, women pull this kind of thing all the time "yes but last year you forgot to get me roses, you got me carnations and this year you have still forgotten" "but darling you have not mentioned roses once in the whole year, I am sorry i forgot" "oh you just don't understand you bar-steward"...

It is stereotypical but it is also real, why is it when I man says nothing about something that has upset him but then lets it out once something else happens it is abusive and controlling yet when a woman does it it is the straw that boroke the camels back?

Seriously op, if this is his only crime then sit down and chat to him about it, at this stage it is not abusive and controlling - but it could be if he is not straightened out and given some ground rules!

But Gnome- harping on about the fact that she stayed out til 11.30 a month ago is a bit strange, don't you think? And the fact that he says that she 'lies' about it

It's the 'lying' word that's the giveaway here. There's a big difference between a last minute unexpected change of plan, and a deliberate intention to mislead. If he can't believe or accept the idea of a last minute change of plan then he's the one who is out of step.

Needs sorting before it gets even more horrible though.

Your post sounds like my life. The only way I can find that I have dealt with this with my DH is to never give an indication of time where I can help it. For example, if I am meeting friends for dinner and expect to be back by about 9, I will say "I don't know what time I'm going to be home, and I don't want it to be a fight if I give you an indication of time and it turns out to be later, so lets just assume I'll definitley be home before midnight, and I'll text you to keep you updated!"

For me, it does seem to help by making a point of "I know it bothers you if my plans change unexpectedly and out of my control, so I won't give you definite plans, which will avoid an argument later. Isn't that helpful of me" sort of thing.

I don't think he's controlling, he just seems like one of those people to whom punctuality and actually doing what you say you are going to do is important.
I'm exactly the same and it makes me furious when people say they are going to be x amount of time and they stretch that out by hours.

If he was doing it to you, how would it make you feel? Unimportant? An afterthought?
I don't blame him for being annoyed at all.
I would be exactly the same.

If this was a woman writing about a man behaving as you did he would be called a selfish tosser by the majority.

Sorry, I think you are being thoughtless. My husband does this, 'I might just nip out for an hour to do some windsurfing...4 hours later he arrives home. I have no problem whatsoever what he wants to do, but I'm entitrled to weekend time-off too, so I would like a roughly accurate time what time I can expect him home. Its only decent manners when you are taking care of the children - who are a joint responsibility. My friend also does this to her husband, which i think is unfair on him. If you are going to be much later than you anticipated, you call and check its okay with the other erson before doing it. Its rude to assume they can jsut continue holding the fort.

Yeah, to say you 'lied' about it seems odd, not lying but a tad thoughtless. Can you agree with him that if you are going to be an hour or so longe rthan you anticipated that you will ring and check everything is okay at home first?

Agree with Mal.

Chipping ? DS2 is his but DS1 is not although they are very close. We?ve been together for just over 5 years and I guess he has always been a bit controlling but it?s either gotten worse or I?m noticing it more now.

He did say the other night that he is scared of losing me and I don?t think the age gap helps this. He?s 8 years older and says he sometimes feels like an old man when he?s with me.

Newname ? you?re right. I do feel I have to justify everything and it?s horrible.

His ExW left him 15 years ago and I knew he was still bitter about it but it?s only now I?ve started posting about it on here that I?m realising he hasn?t dealt with it yet.

Definitely controlling. You are perfectly entitled to change your plans/stay out a little longer than you anticipated. As a pp said, the only time I can see it being a problem is if he has to go out or has plans for a specific time and is waiting for you to come home.

As for you 'lying' that is nonsense, especially with the Christmas meal- you were very clear that you didn't know exactly when you'd be back. Is your DH very punctual and rigid about plans? It may be that he finds it hard to understand a more flexible approach, but it still doesn't make it right for him to complain about something from a month ago.

Another thought- does he often look after the children on his own? Is his annoyance over time issues because he is left with them and is struggling to cope? (Sorry, this is a really bad question to ask about a father but it does sometimes come up in other threads)

I hate the texting bit, it is such a one way communication and says 'I'm late and dont care/dont want to hear how you feel about it'.

I don't see why the age gap makes a difference if you love each other.
I'm 34 and my DH is 49 - I love him and he loves me, and the age gap has nothing to do with it.

I do think he's got issues from his Ex-wife- have you only just started losing track of time or has he mentioned it before?

how long were he and his ex together before she started cheating on him? did she use the excuses that are your perfectly valid reasons?

He needs to go to counselling about his ex-wife issues because they are getting inthe way of your relationship

"If this was a woman writing about a man behaving as you did he would be called a selfish tosser by the majority."

I don't agree with this. If my DH did this for the Christmas party I'd be texting back to say I was very glad he was enjoying himself and to stay out as long as he wanted. With the haircut I might be a bit confused and text to ask what had delayed him, but as long as I hadn't made any other plans it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

If the OP often stays out much longer than she intends to I would agree that she could be a bit more considerate- but she only mentions twice in a month, and only one of those was really unexpected. WRT the Christmas party she said she wasn't sure- 'probably only a few hours'.

Controlling and not ok. Nothing further to add.

Thanks to those who?ve said I?m being thoughtless. It?s nice to have another opinion and to see it from his side. I know I can be thoughtless at times and my timekeeping is not the best.

Gnome ? I hate talking on the phone! It sounds silly but I have a real aversion to it and will always text or email where possible. I think DH is probably like you though as he nearly always rings rather than texts. Time for me to stop texting him and start ringing him more I guess.

How would I feel if he did this to me? Well he has done this to me before and it doesn?t bother me too much. The only time it would bother me is if I had to be somewhere.

DH isn?t the best timekeeper though and if we?re going out as a family it will usually be him running late while me and the DC?s are sat waiting for him.